by Tim Collins
I told them about Starbucks, reality TV, Facebook, global warming, McDonald’s, traffic jams, and “Gangnam Style.”
They all agreed they’d rather be staked by Viktor than face that.
FRIDAY, APRIL 4
Nimrod jumped out of his cot today. He waddled down the beach and dived into the sea before anyone could grab him. I have no idea where he got all that energy. You’d think he’d be as tired as the rest of us.
We all had to flail around after him, which was a massive waste of our remaining strength. We all splashed and bobbed around uselessly, looking more like pensioners on a seaside trip than fearsome supernatural creatures. Eventually Mike grabbed his foot, dragged him back to shore, and dumped him back in his cot.
Through the bars I could see Nimrod gurgling with laughter. I’m glad he enjoyed it. The rest of us were wiped out by his antics.
10:00 p.m.
I just watched Cecil give Ezekiel and Abraham a survival lesson. He made up some ridiculous story about how he’d been shipwrecked on a desert island in the eighteenth century and survived by drinking fish blood. He went on about how he used to catch entire shoals at a time with his bare hands and squeeze them into his throat like ripe fruit.
Ezekiel and Abraham waded off into the sea to follow his utterly worthless advice. They collapsed back on the beach twenty minutes later, having managed to catch a single fish between the two of them. Ezekiel stood up, held it over his mouth and crushed it. Gloopy liquid dribbled down. He swallowed it, grabbed his stomach and spewed it right back up again.
“You weren’t doing it right,” said Cecil. “That wasn’t the right sort of fish.”
Let’s all thank our lucky stars we have Cecil to look after us. With survival tips like that, I’m sure we’ll all be perfectly fine.
SATURDAY, APRIL 5
We had a coven meeting this afternoon. We’re all sick of hanging around on the soggy beach, and our energy is draining all the time, so we need to make a decision about whether to stay or go.
“That’s our castle and we need to take it back,” said Mike. “So what if a few of us fall on stakes? If we all fall on the same ones, it might eventually create a bridge of corpses we can clamber over.”
I didn’t think he was selling it very well.
“Viktor’s giving us a chance to go, and we should take it,” said Dad. “If we wait any longer we’ll be too weak to travel back to the mainland, and we certainly won’t have the strength to hunt when we’re there.”
I wanted to argue the case for staying and trying to find a way back into the castle, but I was too weak to speak. I’m sure I suffer more than the others when I haven’t had enough blood. I think it’s because of my sensitivity.
“Let’s put it to the vote,” said Lenora. “Who wants to try to find a way to confront Viktor?”
I put my hand up. So did Mike, Rob, Seth, and Mr. Dashwood.
“And who wants to go?” asked Lenora.
Everyone else put their hands up.
“That decides it, then,” she said.
Hans ran down the beach toward the boats, shouting, “Women and vampires under a hundred first.”
Eddie grabbed his towel and followed him.
I really don’t want to go back to the boring old human world. But I suppose we’ve got to go with the majority. If they sail off without us, we’ll be trapped forever.
SUNDAY, APRIL 6
We haven’t left yet. It turned out there wasn’t enough space in the three fishing boats, so some of us are going to have to swim round to the other side of the island and steal Viktor’s speedboat.
Nobody wants to do this in case it’s protected by more holy water traps. So now they’re all arguing and trying to agree who goes in the fishing boats. I offered to rip up a page of my diary, write everyone’s name on the strips, and draw them out of a coffin. Cecil liked this idea, but Hans refused on the grounds that I’d pick my family members first.
No, I wouldn’t. I’d do the exact opposite in the case of one particular family member, in fact. A splash of holy water might knock some sense into her.
10:00 p.m.
I got bored listening to all the arguments tonight, so I wandered off down the beach.
I spotted Seth coming over the hill.
“Where have you been?” I asked.
“Looking around the barricade,” he said. “I thought there might be some gaps around the other side, but I couldn’t see any.”
“Didn’t you set off any traps?” I asked.
Seth shrugged. “I suppose so.”
I stared at Seth. The lack of blood had obviously slowed my brain down, because it took me ages to remember that modern religious symbols and holy water don’t affect him.
“Brilliant,” I said. I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the others. Cecil was arguing with Hans about Rock Paper Scissors.
“Everyone shut up!” I shouted. “I’ve got a better plan.”
They all turned to me.
“If you’re about to suggest alphabetical order, don’t bother,” said Abraham. “I’ve already tried.”
“It’s not that,” I said. “I’ve worked out a way we can get into the castle. The barricade and the holy water don’t affect Seth. So if we curl ourselves into tight balls, Seth can carry us through the traps, and throw us over the wall and past the stakes.”
“Then what?” asked Cecil.
I was so excited I hadn’t really thought beyond this.
“We storm the castle and take the coven back,” I said.
I was expecting applause, but everyone just stared at me. I wondered if they were too weak to clap.
“It won’t work,” said Cecil. “Even if Seth can get us over the stakes, Viktor’s guards will grab us.” He turned back to Hans. “It’s very simple. Everyone plays best of three against a randomly selected partner . . .”
Mike shoved past them and said, “I’ll come, mate.”
“Me too,” said Rob.
“And me,” said Lenora.
“You can count me in too,” said Mr. Dashwood.
“Great,” I said. “Anyone else?”
There was just the sound of crashing waves. It looks like it’s just the five of us taking on Viktor, Svetlana, and the seven blond vampires. Five against nine isn’t great, but it’s got to be worth a try.
MONDAY, APRIL 7
I was glad Rob volunteered to go first. The lack of blood was really starting to get to me, and I was glad of the extra rest.
Rob crouched into a ball and Seth carried him up the hill. With his vampire strength, it took no more effort than a human carrying a lap dog. I waited on the beach with the others, listening out for distant screaming and splatting.
Seth wandered back a couple of minutes later and said it had been fine. It was okay for him to be relaxed; he wasn’t the one who’d get impaled like a cocktail sausage if it went wrong.
Mike went next, then it was my turn. As soon as we were up the hill, I could hear the traps twanging and holy water splatting on Seth’s bare legs. I can’t believe he can just wade through that stuff. I’d have been in tears.
I kept my eyes closed to make sure none of the holy water splashed into them, and I was quite surprised by how casually Seth lobbed me over the barricade. He didn’t warn me to hold tight or wish me luck. He just chucked me over like he was returning a football to a playground.
I spun round and round in the air and landed on my head. I bet that would have hurt if I could feel pain.
I got to my feet. The last row of stakes was only about a foot away. Maybe Seth wasn’t as good at throwing as he thought.
Rob and Mike were lying flat on the ground a bit farther up the hill. At first I thought they’d been staked, but Rob whispered, “Get down. The guards might see you.”
I ducked down and tried to get my breath back.
I heard traps going off on the other side of the barricade, then Mr. Dashwood came flying over.
Seth had thrown him high, b
ut he peaked too soon. He was hurtling down and it was difficult to tell if he’d clear the stakes or not.
Rob leaped up and ran over to the edge of the trench. He reached forward and caught Mr. Dashwood just before he crashed down onto one of the sharp points.
Mr. Dashwood opened his eyes, looked down, and started to tremble. I can’t believe I found him intimidating just a couple of months ago. He looked like nothing more than a frail, helpless, old human now.
When the traps started going off again, I leaped up and stood next to the stakes. If anyone was going to save Lenora from them, it was me.
Seth threw better this time, and Lenora plummeted well clear of the stakes. I still caught her, though. She likes it when I do courteous things, because she’s from the days before feminism.
I soon wished I hadn’t done it, though. I was so tired I could barely keep up with the others as we made our way to the castle. It’s not the ideal state if you’re about to launch a ferocious attack on a bunch of supernatural psychopaths. Especially ones you couldn’t beat even if you had your full strength.
It was weird to approach the castle again. It looked completely abandoned now, with its dark windows and closed door. Thinking about how Viktor was hogging the massive place for himself made me angry again, so I tried to use the rage to spur myself on.
As we approached the door, I heard something crack in the ground beneath Mr. Dashwood. A plank with a wooden stake nailed to it swung up. He managed to swerve away in time, but his cape got speared.
Rob stepped over and untangled it. The stake was a couple of feet long, and tapered to a pin-sharp point.
“Vamp traps!” hissed Mr. Dashwood. “Even werewolves aren’t barbarous enough to use these anymore.”
Mike prodded the end of it with his finger. “Looks like they’ve been using a stake sharpener, too.”
The gate of the castle flew open and one of Viktor’s guards dashed out.
“We need to split up!” hissed Rob. “Let’s regroup inside.”
I tried to sprint off, but I was so weak I could hardly go faster than a jog. Mr. Dashwood overtook me, which wasn’t a good sign.
I glanced over my shoulder. The guard was hurtling toward me and fumbling with his holster.
I forced myself on. At any time, one of those vamp traps could spring up. But if I stayed still, the guard would catch me.
I tried to think of something good in case it was my last-ever thought. For some reason, all I came up with was an image of me in my old bedroom playing Connect Four against myself. Thanks, memory!
The guard was gaining on me. It didn’t seem fair. He’d been enjoying a constant supply of blood, while I’d had nothing for days. How was I supposed to outpace him?
The comforting stones of the graveyard loomed ahead. At first my only plan was to duck behind one. It wasn’t until I was actually among them that I remembered about the tunnel. This shows how the lack of blood was slowing down my brain. For the first time ever, my sister was only the second stupidest member of our family.
I scrabbled on, bumping into stones and slipping on moss. I grabbed the side of my gravestone and dragged myself round. The trench was still there, and the tarp was in place.
I flung myself down and whipped the material aside. I let myself fall down to the bend at the bottom of the tunnel. An avalanche of mud followed me.
I landed on my shoulder with my legs dangling above as clumps of wet earth thudded down. I hope I never get buried alive and have to spend the rest of eternity like that. It would be so annoying.
I knew I’d used up all my energy. If the guard came after me, I’d be unable to do anything but lie there like a useless old corpse.
2:00 a.m.
As I tried to get my strength back, a thought moved slowly into my mind. Here’s how it went:
“I wish I had some blood . . . They keep blood in the archive room . . . I’m next to the archive room . . . That means . . . That means . . . That means I could go into the archive room and drink some blood!”
Pretty sad, eh? You’d never guess I used to be in the top of my class for everything except science. But that’s what blood deprivation does to the minds of even the most intellectually gifted vampires.
The thought of all that lovely fresh red stuff sent a jolt of energy through my body. I pulled myself along the tunnel with my fingers and squeezed through the hole into the archive room.
I flopped down to the floor and paused to check none of the guards were around. I heard nothing. It was just me, the humans, and the delicious fresh juice of their veins.
I crawled down the central aisle, trailing earth behind me like a dying worm.
The human cows made a huge fuss once again. I suppose I must have looked grim as I struggled toward the barrels. But I needed a drink, and those crybabies were just going to have to deal with it.
I grabbed the nearest barrel and took a sniff to check for garlic. It was lemon flavor. Yum!
I rolled over onto my back and tipped the bottom of the barrel up. Blood splashed over my face and stung my eyes. It ran into my hair, my nostrils, and down my cheeks.
The cows screamed even louder, straining at their straps and rocking their beds back and forth. I could hardly blame them. I must have looked like I’d stuck my face in a lawnmower.
I paused for a moment to wonder about the others. I hoped they were all safe.
Actually, that’s not true. The shameful truth is that I was so distracted by my blood-glugging that I didn’t give a thought to anyone except my big fat self. But the point is, I should have hoped the others were all safe. So let’s just say I did.
3:00 a.m.
As the blood filled my stomach, I found I could think straight again. It became obvious what I had to do. It felt like the sort of thing that should have been a big decision. I should have had a serious talk with Mum and Dad, read a Vampire Council guidebook, and brooded about it in the graveyard for a few days. But I didn’t have time to ponder. I just had to do it.
I got up and made my way over to the woman with red hair. She shrieked and cowered away.
“I just want you to know that we’d be having a really big discussion right now if this wasn’t such an emergency,” I said.
I grabbed the woman’s jaw, lifted her hair back, and sank my fangs into her neck. She thrashed about in a frenzy, but I held her still and kept drinking. Her scream faded to a soft sigh and then to silence as her body fell still.
I unplugged my fangs and dug them into my wrist. Then I held my bleeding wrist up to the holes in her neck. I was worried I wouldn’t know what to do, but it was all very straightforward. I just let my blood flow into the woman’s veins until she started stirring again.
The woman opened her eyes and smiled at me. A pair of sharp fangs were newly visible, extending down from her upper gum.
One down, seven to go.
5:00 a.m.
I did the women first. I thought I’d feel awkward drinking from the men, but I was so used to it by the time I got to them, I didn’t really think about it.
I collapsed back to the floor when I’d finished and poured a barrel of cinnamon blood down my throat. This time they didn’t scream. They just smiled at me with their new fangs protruding.
I’d always imagined I’d have kids one day, but I thought I’d be much more settled. I never imagined I’d have eight, and I certainly didn’t think they’d all be older than me. But we can’t always plan the way our lives will go.
6:00 a.m.
I untied the new vampires and gave them all a few sips of blood. I tried to avoid feeding them their own blood, though I had no idea if it would be harmful.
A woman with long black hair on the end of the row seemed to be the one who’d made the garlic blood, so I dragged her barrel aside. Accidentally feeding garlic to my kids wouldn’t be the best start to my parenting life.
“Listen carefully,” I said when they’d all fed. “You’ve all just been transformed into vampires. That means you’re
all fearsome creatures of the night now. Okay?”
They just grinned at me. The one with the ponytail pricked his finger on one of his fangs and watched it heal.
I didn’t expect them to understand me. It takes a while after transformation to develop into a mature vampire. But I thought I might as well address them in case some of it sank in.
I pointed at the door. “Any minute now, someone’s going to come through that door and I want you to help me attack them. Got that?”
There was no response.
10:00 a.m.
The guard didn’t come for another couple of hours. They obviously hadn’t heard the racket when I transformed everyone.
“Attack!” I yelled, jumping to my feet and pointing at the guard. They just stared at my finger and grinned.
“Go get him!”
The blond vampire undid his holster and pulled out his stake.
“I’ll be very disappointed if you don’t attack!” I said.
The blond vampire grabbed my neck and drew his stake back. Now they sprang into action, leaping from their beds and swarming on him. They stamped on his hands, pulled his hair and slapped him. The one with the ponytail stuck his fingers up the guard’s nose and giggled.
The guard opened his mouth and I grabbed the garlic blood and poured it in. He gurgled and spluttered, but enough of it went down his throat to knock him out.
I lifted him onto one of the beds and fastened the straps.
As I was tying the last one, another of the blond vampires rushed in and we had to do it all over again.
12:00 p.m.
Within a couple of hours, all the blond vampires were unconscious and tied to the beds. I had to wait for the guards to attack me every single time before my kids went for them. They don’t exactly seem like fast learners, but I shouldn’t judge them too soon.
I lifted up the garlic blood barrel and led the children upstairs to the throne room. It took me ages to get them all there, because the one with the ponytail kept blowing out candles on the way. I told him to stop, but this just made him do it more.