***
The boom that shook the castle was barely audible above the noise of the crowd and the musicians. I staggered out, supporting Massha. Her dress was torn and patched with black burns, and her hair was askew. Guido threaded his way ahead of us, making sure that Skeeve was nowhere in sight. We all agreed he shouldn’t be bothered. I was pretty certain we could handle this by ourselves. He spotted Don Bruce and his two associates, boozing it up at one of the tables near the harpist. Don Bruce set down his goblet and kissed his fingers at the musician.
“Beautiful! That boy plays beautifully.” Then he turned, and spotted us. “Aahz! Massha! What has happened to you?”
“The house,” Massha said, playing her part. She let go of me and threw her meaty arms around the Fairy Godfather. “My husband.oh, I can’t say.”
“What happened?” the don demanded.
Massha sobbed into a handkerchief. “We only just got married!”
“Are you saying that my present killed your husband?” Don Bruce demanded, drawing himself up four feet into the air.
“If the Prada pump fits,” I growled, “wear it. The news will be all over the Bazaar in an hour: Don Bruce ices associates at a wedding!”
But I wasn’t watching Don Bruce. I had my eye on his two associates. Surleone’s heavy brows drew down over his stubby nose, but he looked concerned. Don deDondon couldn’t keep the glee off his weaselly face.
“I’m good with casualties,” he said, starting to rise from the bench. “I’d better go and see if I can help.” Suddenly, a blue, scaly face was nose to nose with his. Gleep hissed. “Help?”
The dragon bared his teeth and flicked his tail from side to side. It was all the proof I needed that Don deDondon had his hands on the parchment I’d had Gleep sniff, but I thrust it in front of his skinny nose.
“This your handwriting?” I asked.
“Gimme dat,” said Don Surleone. He looked over the page. “Yeah, dat’s his.”
DeDondon threw up his hands. “No! I have nothing to do with any explosion! Call off your dragon!”
I did, but Guido and Nunzio were there flanking him, hand crossbows drawn but held low against the don’s sides so they wouldn’t disturb the other wedding guests. “You can clean up again, Massha. We have a confession.”
“Confession?” Don Bruce demanded, fluttering madly, as Massha’s bruises faded and her dress and coiffure regained their gaudy glory. “What’s the deal?”
“I don’t know the whole story,” I said, sitting down and grabbing the pitcher of ale from the center of the table. I took a swig. Subterfuge was thirsty work. “But I can guess. New people in any organization tend to be ambitious. They want to get ahead right away. Either they find a niche to fill, or they move on. When you introduced these dons to Massha and Badaxe their names didn’t ring any bells with me. At first. Then you said they were new.
“The present you gave Massha was princely, but it also provided a heck of an opportunity to take you down, and at least a few of us with you. The box containing the house had a sheet of instructions attached to it. How easy would it be to add a booby-trap that Massha would innocently set off when she went to open your present? We trust you; she’d follow the instructions as they were written. Your reputation for doing business in an honorable fashion would be ruined. But your enemy didn’t take into account you have a host of intelligent beings working for you.from a number of species.”
“Gleep!” the dragon interjected. He’d withdrawn to a safe distance, with his head against Nunzio’s knee.
“Something with so easy a trigger mechanism wouldn’t need extra incantations to operate. The additional verbiage aroused our suspicions, enabling us to figure the puzzle out in time to stave off disaster.”
“Then why the costume drama?” Don Bruce asked, snatching the pitcher out of my hand and pouring himself a drink.
I grinned. “To draw out the culprit,” I said. “If you and your associates were innocent you’d be concerned about the loss of life. And Don deDondon here knew about an explosion even though Massha never used the word. He was thinking about it, because he’d rigged one to go off.”
“But it did!” the scrawny don protested. “I felt it.”
“A little subsonic vibration, courtesy of Massha’s magik,” I said, with a bow to her. “Nothing too difficult for a member of M.Y.T.H., Inc., which is why Don Bruce employs us to watch out for his interests in the Bazaar at Deva.”
The Fairy Godfather turned as purple as his suit. He spun in the air to face the cowering don. “You wanted me to lose face in front of my valued associates? Surleone, Guido, Nunzio, please escort our former employee back to the Bazaar. I’ll be along shortly.” The meaty mafioso took deDondon by the arm and flicked a D-hopper out of his pocket. In a twinkling, they were gone.
Don Bruce hovered over to take Massha’s hand. “I offer my sincere apologies if anything that I or my people have done to mar your wedding day in even the slightest way. I’ll send someone with the counterspell to pack the house up again. I hope you and your husband have a long and happy life together. You made a beautiful bride.” In a flutter of violet wings, he was gone, too.
“I’m glad that’s over,” I said, draining the rest of the ale. “Take that silly dragon back to the stables, and let’s keep the party rolling.”
Gleep’s ears drooped.
“Now, Aahz,” Massha said, “you owe him an apology. If it wasn’t for Gleep, the palace would have been blown sky high.”
The dragon rolled huge blue eyes at me. I fought with my inner self, but at last I had to admit she was right.
“I’m sorry, Gleep,” I told him. “You were a hero.”
“Gleep!” the dragon exclaimed happily. His long tongue darted out and slimed my face. I jumped back, swearing.
“And no one tells Skeeve what happened here tonight!” I insisted. “None of it! Not a word!”
“Who, me?” Massha asked, innocently, as Badaxe wandered in out of the shadows, in search of his wife. She sauntered over and attached herself to his arm with a fluid langour that would have been a credit to Tanda. “In a few minutes I’ll be on my honeymoon. Nighty-night, Aahz.”
MYTHING IN DREAMLAND
Robert Asprin & Jody Lynn Nye
The dark green roof of the forest stretched out endlessly in every direction. To most, it would look like an idylic paradise. To me, it was a major problem.
I gazed out over the massed pine trees, wondering what kind of wilderness we’d gotten stuck in. A few bare crests, like the one I was sitting on, protruded above the treeline, but they were miles away. None of it looked familiar, but no reason why it should. There were thousands of dimensions in existence, and I’d only been to a few.
At the very least, it was an embarassement. Here I was, considered publicly to be a hotshot magician, the great Skeeve, utterly lost because I’d tripped and fallen through a magic mirror.
I went through my belt pouch for the D-hopper. I was sure it was there somewhere. I wasn’t alone, of course. Behind me, my partner and teacher Aahz paced up and down impatiently.
“I told you not to touch anything in Bezel’s shop,” the Pervect snarled. When a native of the dimension called Perv snarls, other species blanch. The expression shows off a mouth full of 4-inch razor-honed fangs set in a scaly green face that even dragons considered terrifying. I was used to it, and besides, I was pretty much to blame for his bad mood.
“Who’d have thought anybody could fall through a looking glass?” I tried to defend myself, but my partner wasn’t listening.
“If you had paid attention to a single thing I’ve said over the last however many years it’s been…” Aahz held up a scaly palm in my direction. “No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Garkin at least should have warned you.”
“I know,” I said. “It’s my fault.”
“It’s just basic common sense when it comes to magik. Don’t eat anything that says “Eat me.” Don’t drink anything that says “
Drink me.” And don’t touch Klahdforsaken magik mirrors with barriers around them that say “Don’t touch!..what did you say?” Aahz spun around on his heel.
“I said I know it’s my fault. I was just trying to keep Gleep from eating the frame,” I explained, sheepishly.
“Gleep!” the dragon added brightly, beside me.
“So why didn’t you tie him up before we went in?” Aahz said.
“I did tie him up!” I protested. “You know I did. You saw me knot the leash around a post.” But we could both make an educated guess as to what had happened.
My dragon was not allowed in most reputable places? or what passed for reputable at the Bazaar at Deva, the largest trading area anywhere in the multitude of dimensions. It often happened that unscrupulous Deveel shop proprietors ridded themselves of unwanted merchandise at a profit, by arranging for accidents to occur. Such as having a convenient fire during for which time the owners have an unshakeable alibi. Such as leaving the door ajar while they just run next door to borrow a cup of sugar. Such as loosening the tether on a baby dragon whose reputation for clumsiness was almost as impressive as its masters’ reputation for magical skill and deep pockets. Said dragon would go charging after its beloved owner. Merchandise would start to hit the tent floor as soon as it entered. More goods, not even close to being in range of said rampaging dragon, would shatter into pieces. Outraged shopkeeper would appear demanding reimbursement at rates inflated four or five times the true worth. Unlucky customer would be forced to shell out or risk expulsion (or worse) from the bazaar. All genuine valuables would have been removed from the shop ahead of time, of course.
“Maybe one of Bezel’s rivals let him loose,” I suggested hopefully, not liking my skills at tying knots to be called into question.
“What were you doing looking at that mirror anyhow?”
I felt a little silly admitting the truth, but it had been my curiosity that had gotten us stranded out here. “Massha told me about it. She said this was a really great item. It shows the looker his fondest dream.…Naturally, I wanted to see if it was anything we could use in our business. You know, to scope out our clients, find out what it is they really want…”
“And what did you see?” Aahz asked quickly.
“Only my own dreams,” I said, wondering why Aahz was so touchy. “Daydreams, really. Me, surrounded by our friends, rich, happy, with a beautiful girl…” Although the mirror had been a little sketchy about the actual physical details I remembered vivid impressions of pulchritude and sex appeal.
A slow smile spread over Aahz’s scaly features. “You know those dream girls, partner. They never turn out like you hope they will.”
I frowned. “Yes, but if it’s your own dream, wouldn’t she be exactly what you want? How about yours? What did you see?”
“Nothing,” Aahz said flatly. “I didn’t look.”
“But you did,” I insisted, grabbing onto a fleeting memory of Aahz with an astonished expression on his face. “What did you see?”
“Forget it, apprentice! It was a big fake. Bezel probably had a self-delusion spell put on the mirror to spur someone stupid like you into buying it. When you got home you’d have seen nothing reflected in it but Bezel’s fantasy of a genuine sucker.”
“No, I’m sure the mirror was real,” I said thoughtfully. I knew what I’d daydreamed over the years, but those wishes had been piecemeal, little things now and again. I’d never had such a coherent and complete vision of my fantasies. “Come on, Aahz, what did you see?”
“None of your business!”
But I wasn’t going to be put off that easily.
“C’mon. I told you mine,” I wheedled. Aahz’s wishes were bound to be interesting. He had seen dozens of dimensions, and been around a lot more than I had. “You probably have some sophisticated plan about an empire with you at the top of the heap. in charge. Hundreds of people begging for your services. Wine! Women! Song!”
“Shut up!” Aahz commanded. But by now, my curiosity was an unignorable itch.
“There’s no one around here for miles,” I said, and it was the truth. “Nobody could get up here in hearing range. They’d have to build a bridge to that next peak, and it’s miles away. There’s no one here but us. I’m your best friend, right?”
“I doubt that!”
“Hey!” I exclaimed, hurt.
Aahz relented, looking around. “Sorry. You didn’t deserve that, even if you did make a boneheaded move by touching that mirror. Well, since it’s just us… Yeah, I saw something. That’s why I think it’s a delusion spell. I saw things the way they used to be, me doing magik? big magik? impressing the heck out of thousands? no, millions! I got respect. I miss that.”
I was astonished. “You have respect. We respect you. And people in the Bazaar, they definitely respect you. The Great Aahz! You’re feared in a hundred dimensions. You know that.”
“It’s not like in the old days,” Aahz insisted, his gaze fixed on the distance, and I knew he wasn’t seeing the endless trees. “Time was we’d never have been stuck up here on a bare mountaintop like two cats on a refrigerator…”
I opened my mouth to ask what a refrigerator was, then decided I didn’t want to interrupt the flow. Aahz seldom opened up his private thoughts to me. If he felt like he wanted to unload, I considered it a privilege to listen.
“…I mean, it ain’t nothing showy, but time was I could have just flicked my wrist, and a bridge would’ve appeared, like that!”
He flicked his wrist.
I gawked. A suspension bridge stretched out from the peak on which we were standing all the way to the next mountain. It was made completely out of playing cards, from its high arches down the cables to the spans and pylons that disappeared down into the trees. We stared at each other and gulped.
“That wasn’t there before,” I ventured. But Aahz was no longer looking at the bridge or at me. He was staring at his finger as if it had gone off, which in a sense it had.
“After all these years,” he said softly. “It’s impossible.” He raised his head, feeling around for force lines. I did the same.
The place was full of them. I don’t mean full, I mean FULL. Running through the ground like powerful subterranean rivers, and overhead like highly charged rainbows, lines of force were everywhere. Whatever dimension we’d stepped into was chockablock with magik. Aahz threw back his head and laughed. A pretty little yellow songbird flew overhead, twittering. He pointed a finger at it. The bird, now the size of a mature dragon, emitted a basso profundo chirp. It looked surprised.
It had nothing on me. For years I had thought only my late magik teacher Garkin could have removed the spell that robbed Aahz of his abilities. I didn’t know a dimension existed where the laws of magik as I had learned them didn’t apply. It seems I was wrong.
Aahz took off running toward the bridge.
“Hey, Skeeve, watch this!” he shouted. His hands darted out. Thick, fragrant snow began to fall, melting into a perfumed mist before it touched me. Rainbows darted through the sky. Rivers of jewels sprang up, rolling between hills of gold. I tripped over one and ended up in a pool of rubies.
“Aahz, wait!” I cried, galloping after him as fast as I could. Gleep lolloped along with me, but we couldn’t catch him. As soon as Aahz’s foot hit the bridge, it began to shrink away from the mountainside, carrying him with it. He was so excited he didn’t notice. Once when I hadn’t really been listening he had told me about contract bridge. This must be what he meant. This bridge was contracting before my eyes.
“Aahz! Come back!” I called. There was nothing I could do. Gleep and I would have to jump for it. I grabbed his collar, and we leaped into space.
I was pushing with every lick of magik in my body, but we missed the end of the bridge by a hand’s length. A card peeled itself up off the rear of the span. It was a joker. The motley figure put its thumbs in its ears and stuck out its tongue at me, just before the bridge receded out of sight. I didn’t have time
to be offended by its audacity, since I was too busy falling.
“Gleeeeeeeep!” my dragon wailed, as he thudded onto the steep slope beside me. “Gle ee-ee-eep!”
“Gr-ra-ab so-ome-thi-ing,” I stuttered, as we rolled helplessly down the hill. Where had all those force lines gone? I should have been able to anchor myself to the earth with a bolt of magik. We tumbled a good long way until my pet, showing the resourcefulness I knew was in him, snaked his long neck around a passing tree-stump, and his tail around my leg. We jerked to an abrupt halt. I hung upside down with my head resting on a shallow ledge that overlooked a deep ravine. We’d only just missed falling into it. As soon as I caught my breath, I crawled up the slope to praise Gleep. He shot out his long tongue and affectionately planted a line of slime across my face. I didn’t flinch as I usually did. I figured he deserved to lick me if he wanted to. He’d saved both of us.
I studied my surroundings. If there was a middle to Nowhere, I had unerringly managed to locate it. The remote scraps of blue visible through the forest roof were all that was left of the sky. Once my heart had slowed from its frantic “That’s it, we’re all going to die now” pounding to its normal, “Well, maybe not yet” pace I realized that the ledge we almost fell off was wide enough to walk on. I had no idea where it led, but sitting there wasn’t going to help me find Aahz or the jokers who had carried him off.
“You lost, friend?” a male voice asked.
I jumped up, looking around for its source. I could see nothing but underbrush around me. Out of reflex I threw a disguise spell on me and Gleep, covering my strawberry-blond hair with sleeked-back black and throwing my normally round and innocent-looking blue eyes into slanted, sinister pits. Gleep became a gigantic red dragon, flames licking out from underneath every scale.
“No! I’m just…getting my bearings.”
A clump of trees stood up and turned around. I couldn’t help but stare. On the other side of the mobile copse was the form of a man.
“Well, you sure look lost to me,” said the man, squinting at me in a friendly fashion. He was dressed in a fringed jacket and trousers, with a striped fur cap perched on his head and matching boots on his feet. His skin was as rough as bark, and his small, dark eyes peered at me out of crevices. Hair and eyebrows alike were twiglike thickets. The eyebrows climbed high on his craggy forehead. “Say, that’s pretty good illusion-making, friend! You an artist?”
M.Y.T.H.-Interpretations: The Worlds of Robert Asprin Page 6