Grumpy Fake Boyfriend

by Jackie Lau

  “It was great,” I say.

  “Help yourself to coffee.” She turns toward me. There are dark circles under her eyes—it doesn’t look like she had a great night.

  I grab a cup of coffee and sit across from her. “What’s wrong?”

  “We should have put Jordan and Krista in the guesthouse, not you and Will. I swear, they were having sex all night long. All night, I tell you.”

  I suppress a laugh. “Yeah, Jordan is kind of loud.”

  “I’m well aware of that. When you two came here together, he was loud, too. But at least you weren’t. Unfortunately, Krista sounds like the world’s loudest porn star. I couldn’t sleep until three in the morning, and then at seven, they woke me up again, so I came down here.”

  “That sucks,” I say, relieved I didn’t need to listen to my ex and his new girlfriend go at it all night. I’m not sure I could have handled that.

  Julia closes up the folder she has open in front of her. “I was trying to get some work done, but I wasn’t very effective. Tom would shoot me if he knew I was working. I promised him I’d take the whole weekend off.”

  Julia works more than sixty hours a week at the law firm. From what she’s told me, she’s always been like that. She grew up in poverty with a single mother and a younger brother, and she worked lots of hours in fast food as a teenager to help support her family and save for university, in addition to graduating at the top of her class. She was determined to make a new life for herself.

  Which she has.

  Her early life was quite a contrast to Tom’s. He was born into a well-off family that owns a freaking enormous beach house. He went to an Ivy League school in the States, and his family wanted him to go into law, but he was a rebel and went into finance instead.

  I doubt they were too disappointed.

  Anyway, I think Julia is used to living on little sleep, so it’s surprising that one night of loud sex has affected her so much.

  “Is Tom still asleep?” I ask.

  She nods. “He didn’t wake up when this morning’s sex marathon started. Lucky him.”

  Ridhi walks into the kitchen. “I smell coffee. I could sure use some of that right now.”

  I look at her, confused. “You don’t drink coffee.”

  “I’m making an exception this morning.”

  “Did Jordan and Krista keep you up?” Julia asks.

  “Oh my God, yes,” Ridhi says. “It was awful. The thumping and the squealing and the moaning. Not to mention the loud dirty talk—”

  “‘Yeah, baby, come on my tits. Please, baby,’” Julia says in a high-pitched voice.

  “‘You want another spanking, you dirty girl?’” Ridhi drops her voice to imitate Jordan. “‘You want me to tie you up and spank you until—’”

  “Oh, God,” I say. “Please stop. This is my ex you’re talking about.”

  “You look awful perky this morning,” Ridhi observes. “You sleep well?”

  “Much better than you, apparently.”

  “Switch rooms with Jordan tonight,” Julia says. “I’m begging you, Naomi.”

  “As long as I get new sheets.”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t dream of letting you sleep on...whatever they left behind.”

  I can’t help shuddering.

  Ridhi pours herself some coffee, then adds a generous amount of cream and sugar. “What’s on the agenda for today?”

  “No agenda,” Julia says. “Maybe sleeping on the beach. That sounds fun.”

  “It’s not like you to be without an agenda.”

  “This is true. I’m trying something different for once.”

  Tom emerges a few minutes later, his hair sticking up in all directions. “What do you ladies think of waffles for breakfast?”

  It’s a tradition when we go to the beach house. Tom makes us waffles with fresh whipped cream, maple syrup, and fruit for breakfast one morning.

  “I love you,” Julia says. “Did I tell you that before?”

  He smiles and kisses the top of her head.

  To my surprise, I’m hit with a surge of jealousy. For the first time since Jordan dumped me, I have some desire to have a relationship like my friends do, to have that intimacy.

  I look away and remind myself that relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

  * * *

  Half an hour later, I’m digging into my second waffle when I hear the front door open. My so-called boyfriend walks in, dressed in khaki shorts and a polo shirt.

  Mm. He looks just as delicious as my breakfast.

  He doesn’t smile, but he kisses my cheek before sitting next to me. Tom slides a waffle onto his plate.

  “I’ll decorate it,” I say, then proceed to make a frowning face out of fruit. I add whipped cream for the hair before pouring maple syrup on top. “It looks just like you.”

  “How kind of you,” Will mutters.

  “Do you have any rainbow sprinkles, Tom?”

  Will shoots me a glare. “There are lots in the seat of my car.”

  Good to see he’s his usual charming self. Although sometimes good things do come out of his mouth. Like his kisses. And he admitted—rather reluctantly—that he thought I was pretty.

  Ian arrives shortly after Will. Krista and Jordan don’t make an appearance until ten, and they walk into the kitchen arm in arm. Krista looks radiant, a contrast to Ridhi and Julia.

  “Good morning!” she says. “Did you all have a good night?”

  Everyone mumbles a response except for me. I refuse to let Jordan and Krista think they were the only ones having sex last night.

  “Yes.” I beam. “We had a great night.” I wink at Will. “Didn’t we, darling?”

  He chokes on his waffle. “Oh, yes. The best.”

  He’s not as enthusiastic as I’d hoped. In fact, he sounds as excited about our night as I might sound about a rodent infestation.

  Hmph.

  Well, I’m determined to prove that Will and I are just as in love as Jordan and Krista. That’s what is on my agenda for the day.

  I hope my “boyfriend” will cooperate.

  Chapter 8

  Will

  When I agreed to spend the weekend at a beach house, this wasn’t what I had in mind.

  We are on the lower deck today. It’s partway down the descent to the beach, and it isn’t as shaded. The women are sitting on an outdoor wicker couch, which is covered in pale green cushions. Jordan, Ian, and I are sitting on chairs. Tom is lying on a loveseat with a curved canopy to protect it from the sun. He’s snoring softly, making up for not getting enough sleep last night, I guess.

  Apparently, Krista and Jordan partook in some very loud sexual activities and kept everyone awake. I don’t understand why no one said anything to them. Why didn’t someone knock on their door and ask them to keep it down? Is everyone too polite?

  If I’d had to listen to the cries of my fake girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend, you can be sure I would have done something about it.

  Anyway, now we’re all outside, and the women are looking at pictures of cute animals on their phones and tablets.

  This is not how I imagined passing time at a beach house.

  The current animal of choice is pandas. A few minutes ago, it was teacup puppies. Before that, alpacas. I made the mistake of mentioning that there’s a restaurant in Toronto with alpaca burgers on the menu, and everyone gave me dirty looks. So now I’m keeping my mouth shut.

  “Oh my God,” Ridhi says. “This woman has the best job ever. She gets paid to snuggle baby pandas. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Look at the video.” Ridhi is sitting at the far end of the couch, and she holds her tablet toward the middle. “Clearly I screwed up my career path. I want to be a panda snuggler. Don’t you think I’d be good at that, Ian?”

  He grunts an inarticulate response.

  “Look at this!” Naomi says. “It’s a live feed of young pandas at a zoo. I could watch this all day.”

  “That little one is super cute,�
� Julia says.

  We have amazing technology at our fingertips, and this is what we do with it. Perhaps I should incorporate this into one of my books—people using twenty-ninth century technology to beam enormous images of puppies and alpacas into the next galaxy. Hmm.

  I don’t spend too much time thinking about that, however, because my attention is focused on Naomi, who’s completely enthralled by the pandas. Her enthusiasm is enough to make even a grouch like me smile.

  “Remember the picture of Justin Trudeau cuddling two panda cubs?” Julia asks.

  “No!” Naomi cries. “How did I miss this?”

  “I’ll pull it up.” Julia slides her tablet over to Naomi. “Here.”

  “That man is adorable.”

  Is it normal that I feel a twinge of jealousy when my fake girlfriend gushes over a picture of the prime minister holding two baby pandas?

  It’s how any man would feel in this situation, isn’t it?

  “Will, you have to see this.” Naomi jumps up from the couch and comes over to sit on my lap. She’s holding Julia’s tablet. “Isn’t it cute?”

  “Um, yes,” I say. “Very cute.”

  I’d normally spend Saturday morning reading on my balcony alone, but it’s certainly no hardship to have Naomi curled up in my lap. She rubs her nose against mine, as though she wants to recreate the photo of Maltese puppies that she showed me earlier.

  I feel ridiculous, but I’m not complaining.

  “Hey, you,” she whispers. “Enjoying yourself?”

  “I’m doing alright.”

  I look over at the canopy loveseat, where Tom is passed out. I wish I could sit there with Naomi. Snuggling and looking at cute animal pictures. Just the two of us, all alone.

  I’m highly disturbed by this train of thought.

  “Have you heard of pudus?” I ask Naomi.

  She shakes her head.

  “You’ll love them.” I take the tablet from her and do an image search for pudus. “They’re the world’s smallest deer.”

  “They are so cute.” She grabs the tablet back and looks at the pictures in wonder. Then she finds a two-minute video, which I dutifully watch with her.

  Krista goes over to sit on Jordan’s lap and whispers something in his ear. Perhaps she felt like Naomi and I were outdoing them in the cute-new-couple department, which pleases me. I’m doing a great job at this fake boyfriend thing!

  I wrap my arms around Naomi and rest my chin on her shoulder as she watches another video, and the strange thing is that this feels completely natural, not like an act. Though I hope she doesn’t notice certain parts of me are getting rather...excited.

  “Naomi,” Julia says. “Bring back my tablet so I can look at pictures of baby otters.”

  Naomi jumps off my lap. “You have to see the pudu pictures first. Way cuter than Bambi, especially when they’re surrounded by wildflowers. The baby being fed from a tiny bottle is adorable.”

  Yeah, definitely not how I pictured our first morning at the beach house.

  I close my eyes and enjoy the fresh air. When I hear Naomi’s laughter, I can’t help but smile. God, what’s happening to me? I’m having fun with people I hardly know, though it probably helps that I’m not expected to participate in the conversation.

  I open my eyes and look at Naomi, who is grinning at something on her phone. She looks up and catches my eye, and I breathe in sharply.

  She’s the one who’s so cute, not the baby pudus.

  * * *

  A few hours later, I decide I need a different word to describe her.

  I’m grabbing the bag of Frisbees and balls from my car when Naomi walks out of the guesthouse, ready to go down to the beach.

  My jaw practically hits the ground.

  She’s wearing the little bikini she showed Ridhi last night, and it looks even better on her than it did in my imagination.

  Cute is not the word I would use now.

  Smoking hot. Now that’s more like it.

  She walks toward me, hips swaying.

  Dammit. She’s killing me.

  I want to kiss a trail from her collarbone to the valley between her breasts. Push aside the edge of the bikini top and see if her breasts are lighter in color, not having seen the sun.

  Or maybe they’re not paler. Maybe she tanned on the clothing-optional beach on the Toronto Islands...

  Oh, God. I’m thinking about her tanning naked on the beach. I need to get myself under control. Nothing can happen with this woman.

  “What do you think?” Naomi asks, hand on her hip.

  I hold her gaze, unable to look away, and swallow hard.

  I’m in so much trouble.

  Chapter 9

  Naomi

  “Two hundred and fifty,” Ridhi says. “That’s how many people we invited.”

  “Really?” I say. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “I didn’t have a choice. There are so many relatives and family friends that my mom insisted we invite, even though I hardly know them. Same with Ian’s mom.”

  Ridhi, Julia, and I are lying on the beach under multi-colored umbrellas. Tom and Ian are throwing a football around. Jordan and Krista were making out a moment ago, and now they’re getting all hot and bothered by applying sunscreen on each other.

  And Will? He disappeared into the guesthouse earlier, mumbling something about needing time alone.

  This weekend might be a bit much for him. He’s not the most social person, and these are my friends, not his. I don’t mind, as long as he doesn’t disappear for too long.

  Though I suspect his disappearance has more to do with his shock at seeing me in a bathing suit.

  I try to focus on the conversation.

  “What about you?” I ask Julia. “How many people are invited to your wedding?”

  “One hundred and fifty.”

  “Are you going on a honeymoon?”

  “Ha!” Julia says. “I’m not planning a honeymoon in addition to planning a wedding.”

  “We’re going to India and Hong Kong to see relatives in November,” Ridhi says. “Not exactly a honeymoon if we’re having two more wedding receptions.”

  Ian’s family, like mine, is from Hong Kong, but unlike me, he has lots of family overseas. My relatives are mostly in Canada.

  Listening to Julia and Ridhi talk, I’m glad I don’t have a wedding to plan right now. My life sounds straightforward in comparison. Except I’m faking a relationship, and my ex’s girlfriend is releasing erotic sighs.

  It’s not all simple.

  I glance up and see Will walking down the wooden staircase to the beach. He’s wearing blue swim trunks and no shirt.

  I can’t stop staring. I’ve never seen him without a shirt before, and I want to touch his half-naked body.

  “Hey, baby,” I say. “I need you to help me put on some sunscreen.”

  He frowns. “Didn’t you just put on sunscreen half an hour ago?”

  “I couldn’t reach my back properly.” I pout.

  He looks away from me, out at the water, then lays his towel next to mine and drops his book on top. “Okay. Come here.”

  I kneel before him. The sun is beating down on me, and large hands start rubbing sunscreen into my shoulders, then down my back.

  Damn, that feels good. It’s been a while since someone touched me like this.

  “Why did you disappear?” I ask, speaking quietly so no one can overhear. Ridhi and Julia are focused on their wedding conversation.

  “To get my book,” he says.

  “That took almost half an hour?”

  “I was trying to stay away from you.”

  I play innocent. “Why? You were afraid I was going to pour sprinkles all over you?”

  “The damn bikini,” he growls. “It’s driving me crazy. Don’t pretend you don’t know it.”

  A flash of awareness travels down my spine as he moves his hands up farther and digs his thumbs in. Surely that’s not necessary to get the sunscreen evenly distributed,
but of course I don’t tell him to stop.

  “I’m glad you like it. I...” My voice trails off as he presses his thumb into a particularly tense spot. God, that feels amazing. I start to moan, then figure I shouldn’t because my friends are nearby. But I look over at Jordan and Krista, and her mouth is open as though she’s having an orgasm.

  Since I want everyone to believe we’re just as good of a couple as they are, I moan.

  “Ohhh,” I say. “Just like that. Yes.”

  “Naomi,” Will says. “We’re in public.”

  But then another moan comes from the other end of the beach. It’s Krista, moaning in bliss as Jordan rubs sunscreen on... Actually, his hands are under her bikini top. That probably has nothing to do with sunscreen.

  I start to moan again, determined to be louder than Krista.

  “Stop it,” Will hisses. “It’s not a contest to see who’s the best at faking an orgasm.”

  “I’m not sure she’s faking. Some women do orgasm from nipple play.”

  I didn’t mean to be so bold, but I don’t apologize for it.

  “Are you one of those women?” His voice is low and rough. It caresses my skin, adding to the effect of his large hands on me.

  Oh, my. I get the sense he didn’t want to say that, but he couldn’t help himself.

  “No,” I say. “I require clitoral stimulation to orgasm.”

  He has a PhD. He should appreciate my desire to use the correct scientific terminology.

  Holy hell. I really am doing this with him. And that’s when I decide I want to get Will into bed for real today. The way he touches me now, I know it would be good. My interest in him had waned by the time we arrived in Grand Bend, but now it’s back with a vengeance.

  “Naomi,” he says in a stern school teacher tone.

  I moan again, a little louder. In part because I don’t want Krista to outdo me. In part because his hands feel amazing on my body.

  But mostly, I moan because I want to see what he’ll do if I piss him off even more. Will he snap? Will he kiss me? Will he carry me up to the guesthouse, caveman style?

  I do get quite a reaction out of him, but it’s not what I’d hoped for.

  He picks me up, walks into the water, and throws me into the lake.