by T. K. Chapin
“Gail, I’m in a lot of pain. I didn’t get drunk. Just a little bit to help.”
Shaking her head, she pursed her lips for a moment. “Guess some things never change, do they, Clay? Might be physical pain right now, but you’re still using it as an excuse. You seem to forget we were married for over twenty years.”
“You want to judge me?” I laughed. “You left me in a hospital bed when I needed you most. I might have a drink to forget my sorrows, but you’re the ice queen.”
“I couldn’t take care of you anymore, Clay.” She stepped closer and grabbed my hand. Looking me in the eyes, she said, “I spent years pretending to be okay with who you had become. But it wasn’t me. I didn’t want to be the wife who puts her husband back together after he had one too many drinks the night before. That’s not the life I wanted. We were married in a church, we went to church, and we were raising Cindy in a church. I never imagined getting to a place where you got so drunk you drove your motorcycle and crashed. You could’ve killed someone! You could’ve died, Clay!” She shook her head. “That wasn’t what I signed up for.”
Gail wasted no time going straight for my jugular, it seemed. Squinting, I pretended to act like the sun was bothering my eyes as I cupped them for shade. Turning toward the corner Cindy ran around, I said, “Okay. Well. This trip is about Cindy for me. Not us.”
“You’re right. It is.” Gail started for the corner of the house as she continued speaking. “Knock off the drinking, or I’ll just take Cindy back home.”
As I watched Gail round the corner, I thought back to the day in court when custody was set up. Though I wasn’t there, my court appointed lawyer, Ronald McCoy, let me know how it all had gone down. My rights weren’t taken away, but it sure felt like they were. The judge gave Gail primary custody. My allotment of time was as follows: A few weeks in the summer, and we switch major holidays –Thanksgiving, Christmas and the Fourth of July, we go every other one. The whole thing didn’t feel right, but the judge felt I was unfit for primary custody with no job or place of my own and being in the hospital after a motorcycle accident I caused.
Gail used my accident for leverage to execute her vicious plan that I suspect she had been cooking for a while. I was in the hospital for a long stint, and she broke the lease from our condo the moment she heard about the accident. By the time I got out of rehab, another family had already moved into our house.
Walking around the house, I walked to the porch to find Kip out of the cage and perched up on Cindy’s finger. She had a love for nature that was deep and ever present in all she did. Even when she was two and three years of age, she’d play with bugs and worms she’d find out in the yard, always collecting critters in jars and making them her pets. And when they would die, she’d give them a proper funeral in the back yard with dandelions and a sweet song for the service.
“Daddy . . . he’s so pretty!” she said, looking up from beside the cage as she sat crisscrossed. Gail sat in my chair, smiling as she looked down at the bird in Cindy’s hands.
As I came up the steps, Cindy tossed her hair over her shoulder, and I noticed that Cindy’s ears were pierced. “When did you get your ears pierced?” My eyes shifted over to Gail.
“With Allison at the mall last weekend. You like them, Daddy?” She turned her head and lifted her hair out of the way to showcase the ruby red-colored stud.
“They’re pretty, dear.” My eyes again went to Gail.
Gail didn’t look at me. She knew we weren’t going to let her pierce her ears until she was thirteen. That was still six years away for Cindy. It didn’t bother me that she had them pierced early. What did bother me was Gail not calling to discuss it.
The buzzing sound of the oven’s timer could faintly be heard. Looking back to Cindy, I said, “Dinner is done. You should put Kip back in the cage and we’ll go eat.”
“I’m starving,” Cindy replied as she placed Kip back on the twig inside the cage. She latched the door shut and stood up. Coming over to me, she wrapped her arms around my legs and said, “I love you, Daddy. I’m so happy we’re finally here! I don’t ever want to leave!”
Smoothing her hair with my hand, I said, “I love you too, doll.” She wanted me, needed me, and instilled purpose within me by her words. Glancing over at Gail, I could see the pain in her eyes. While she didn’t care much for me, I knew she loved Cindy more than anything else in the world. Knowing how much Cindy loved me, and yet they lived so far away, made her uneasy. I could tell.
After dinner, as I cleaned the plates off the table, my pain suddenly came shooting through my leg again, stopping me in my tracks. Gripping the back of my leg with a hand, I set the plates back down on the table.
Gail leaped up and grabbed my arm to help me balance. I furrowed my eyebrows at her. “What are you doing?”
She released, startled at her own actions. “Sorry. I don’t know. Are you okay?”
The pain subsided, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “This is my life now, Gail. I’m fine.” Picking up the plates, I continued into the kitchen and set them in the sink.
She sat back down at the table and clasped her hands together as she looked to be wrestling some thoughts in her mind. This woman was probably one of the worst people I had ever met, but something was still deep inside of me that cared for her. Why? I wasn’t sure, but I suspected it probably had to do with spending half of my life with her. Regardless, I knew it hurt to see that familiar look of pain on her face. It was the same look she had when she found out about her cousin having breast cancer. The same look when she found out about the neighborhood friend committing suicide.
Back at the table, I gripped the back of the chair. “What’s up?”
She shook her head and stood up. “Nothing. Just my mom.” Gail walked into the living room and I watched as she went and sat down on the couch. At her feet, Cindy was playing at the coffee table with her Littlest Pet Shop. For a moment, I felt normal as I looked at the both of them. It was just like when we lived over off Francis.
The front door swung open and my sister stormed in, slamming the door behind her. Throwing her purse against the wall, she glanced over at Gail and their eyes met. Janice scowled at her, but then softened when her eyes met Cindy’s.
“Come give your auntie a hug!” Janice said, changing her tone dramatically.
Cindy raced over as Janice bent her knees down to greet her. “Jammy!” she said, hugging her tightly around the neck. Jammy was the nickname Cindy gave her after struggling to pronounce Janice.
My sister hugged her for a moment and then stood up, mentioning to Cindy that she had a long day and needed sleep, but she would hang out more tomorrow. Ignoring both Gail and myself, she headed down the hall to her room and shut the door.
“What’s wrong with Jammy?” Cindy asked as she returned to the coffee table.
“She’s just tired,” Gail replied quickly.
Gail looked over at me. “Wow. She hasn’t changed a bit.” Gail shook her head.
There were a lot of things I could have told Gail in that moment, but I withheld. She didn’t understand the emotional turmoil that Janice went through staying up at the hospital or the income she lost by not showing any houses and being by my bedside while I went through all those surgeries. My sister had sacrificed a lot.
“Tomorrow, there’s a farmer’s market up at the boardwalk.” Sitting down on the couch behind Cindy, I continued. “Lots of fun stuff to see. I think you’ll like it.”
Cindy whipped around with wide eyes. “You think they’ll have marshmallow shooters like the one we got from the county fair? Remember? The one with the princesses on it?”
“Yeah, I remember.” Raising an eyebrow, I asked, “What happened to it?”
A sorrowful expression fell across Cindy’s face. Almost certain she was going to erupt in tears, I placed my hand on her shoulder to encourage her to speak. “It broke. Allison did it, though.”
Gail interjected. “You both were using it as a weapon to
hit that tree in the backyard.”
“Nuh uh!” Cindy retorted. “Allison—”
“Hey.” I touched her shoulder again. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll see if they have any tomorrow and pick one up for you.”
Cindy climbed onto the couch and into my arms. I held her close to me, and she laid her head against my chest, causing me to smile. Lifting her head a moment later, she looked at me. “Your heart is going thumpity, thump, thump . . . it sounds cool.”
Gail looked past us at the clock on the wall. “It’s getting late. You need to get to bed.” Turning to me, she raised an eyebrow. “You want to put her to bed?”
“Sure.” Taking Cindy by the hand, I led her to the back bedroom. Janice had worked tirelessly the last week clearing out all the clutter from the room. It was previously stacked up to the ceiling with boxes, but now all that was left were a few boxes stacked in the closet, a bed, and a dresser.
Walking into the room, Cindy released her hand from mine and asked, “Where will you sleep?”
“I sleep on the couch.”
“Why not in here?”
“I haven’t slept in here at all . . .”
“How come?”
I laughed. “Go brush your teeth and let’s get you into bed.” The real answer to her question was one that a seven-year-old didn’t need to know. It was the room in which my father had spent his final days, his final breaths, and his final moments here on earth.
As she brushed her teeth, I went back out to the living room and fetched her bag that I had brought inside earlier. Bringing it into the bedroom, I set it down near the closet and opened it up. There were fingernail polishes, an mp3 player, and a bunch of random stickers. She’s only seven, I thought to myself as I pushed them to the side in search of her teddy bear, CeCe.
Cindy came back into the room and got underneath the covers. Stopping my search, I looked over at her. “Where’s CeCe?”
“I got rid of her,” she replied with a confident tone.
Standing up, I came over to the bed and sat on the edge. “How come? I thought you loved CeCe.”
“Dad. I’m seven years old. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Oh. I didn’t realize you outgrew your favorite teddy bear.”
Catching a glimmer of remorse in her eyes, I touched her shoulder. “Don’t grow up too fast.”
She smiled. “I want to be BIG like you and Mommy.” Her eyes went wide as she jumped around underneath the covers.
I kissed her forehead and said, “Go ahead and pray.”
“Dear God. Thank you for bringing Mommy and me here safely to Daddy’s house. Thank you for the sunshine today. Thank you for the yummy food that Jammy made. Thank you for my Daddy. Thank you for my Mommy. And help them love each other again. Amen!”
My heart shattered into a million pieces. Help them love each other again. Kissing her once more, I stood up to leave.
“Dad . . .”
I stopped from getting up and relaxed back into my seat on the bed. “Yeah, dear?”
“Are you going to pray?”
“Oh. Sure.” Bowing my head, I folded my hands together and prayed. “Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for my little baby girl coming to see me. Thank you for the life you’ve given me and the blessings. Help Cindy to sleep well tonight and protect her dreams. We love you, Jesus, Amen.”
Opening my eyes, I saw Cindy beaming with a smile from ear to ear. “I love you. Get some sleep.”
“Okay! I can’t wait for tomorrow!” She wiggled beneath her covers again.
Placing my hand on the comforter that covered her, I said, “Seriously, Cindy. Relax and get some sleep.”
“Okay.” She rolled over, and I stood up from the bed. Leaving the room, I shut the light off and cracked the door.
“Does she pray about us getting back together every night?” I asked Gail as she was gathering her things to leave to her mother’s house when I came out into the living room.
“Always.”
“Wow . . .” I rubbed the back of my neck.
“For a while, it bothered me, but I realized it was just something that would be natural for her to want. She’s not a baby, Clay. She understands what’s going on, and it affects her a lot.”
I nodded.
Swinging her purse around her shoulder, Gail said, “I’ll be over in the morning to check on you guys. I don’t trust you. No offense.”
“You’re a peach.” The tone echoed the sarcasm as I sat down on the couch.
She narrowed her eyes at me as she came around the couch. “I said no offense. I just can’t have you driving our daughter while intoxicated.”
“You think that little of me?” I shouted at her. “You think I’d drink and drive our daughter?”
Gail looked at me blankly for a moment. “You drove drunk on that motorcycle. I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know what you’re capable of.”
Seeing that look in her eye, I knew what she was talking about. It wasn’t the drinking. It wasn’t even completely the accident. It was the trailer park. I retorted, “I did what I had to do that day.”
“Keep telling yourself that. Maybe it’ll bring Missy back.” Gail turned and headed to the door.
Adrenaline coursed through me as anger overtook my whole body in an instant. Darting from the couch toward the door and Gail, I grabbed my leg as pain shot through it. Fighting through the pain, I made it over in time to push it shut.
Gail dipped her chin.
“Don’t you dare try to talk to me about Missy or anything that happened that day! You don’t understand what it took for me to do what I did!”
Her chin raised and her eyes met mine. “That. Right there. You have darkness in you, Clay. I don’t know what’s going on in that mind of yours, but it has robbed you of the light.” Grabbing the doorknob, she opened the door and left.
CHAPTER 13
The next morning, as I waited for the coffee to brew, I looked at a picture that hung on the fridge in the kitchen. It was of Janice and me with our mother, Loraine, and our father, Ted. The picture was from a family vacation back in the summer of ’84. It was the last time we were all together as a family. Our mother vanished off the face of the earth that fall, leaving our father to care for us. There was no note, no warning. She was just gone. When mom left, Janice took on the role of mother, making sure I always had clean clothes and food to eat. I felt it played a vital role in her taking me in after the accident and failed rehabilitation. We did find our mother the year following Dad’s death, but she had moved on long ago and started a new life. She didn’t want to discuss anything. It was really difficult for Janice to accept, but we got through it.
The coffee finished brewing and I poured a cup, taking it out with me to the porch. The morning air was crisp, clean and refreshing as I took a seat in my chair. Kip was singing a song of some sort as I sat down and took in the new day.
I set my coffee down on the patio table and stretched out my bad leg. Straightening my back, I continued to stretch to help my leg muscles. The pain worsened, like it always did with these stretches Katie showed me. After a few minutes, I let my leg drop to a relaxed position.
A bird chirped as it flew overhead, and I picked my coffee back up. I paused as I brought the mug to my lips. Glancing over at Kip in his cage, I asked, “That a friend of yours?”
He moved about on his twig and flapped his wings. It looked like his damaged wing might have been finally healing up. Setting my coffee down again, I went over and opened the door to the cage. Cupping him in both my hands, I pulled him out and took him down into the grass.
Setting him down, I stood up and stepped back. “Go, Kip.”
He flapped and flew a few feet before petering out and dropping back into the grass. He kept trying, eventually making his way over to the porch and up the steps. On the second step, he moved to the edge and jumped. Flapping furiously to keep himself in the air, he took off. He made it halfway across the yard, but
once again fell.
Hurrying over to him, I scooped him up into my hands and took him back to the porch. “Don’t overdo it, buddy.” Leaping from my hands, he landed on the twig inside the cage.
He was a smart bird and determined to fly. I knew he’d be flying in no time with the drive he had. I sat back down and looked across the field at the barn that sat over on Mr. Kilgore’s land.
“Daddy?” Cindy said with a sweet tone from behind the screen door.
Turning to look at her, I smiled and asked, “Good morning, dear. You want some breakfast?”
She nodded and rubbed an eye with a balled fist. “Can we go to the farmer’s market?”
“It’s a little early, but we’ll be going there around nine, a couple of hours from now.”
“Okay.”
Getting up, I went inside with my coffee and prepared her a full course breakfast—eggs, hash browns, toast and sausage. As I scooped her food onto a plate, I heard Janice’s bedroom door open.
As she walked into the kitchen, she asked, “You can cook breakfast? Why have I been doing it all this time?”
I laughed as I took the plate of food over to Cindy at the table. “Guess you never asked, Sister.”
She nodded her head and then headed over to the cupboard to grab a coffee cup. Janice paused as she reached for a cup and looked back at me. “Wait. I’m mad at you!” She grabbed her cup and slammed the cupboard shut, causing Cindy to jump at the table.
“Hey. You scared, Cindy! Don’t be so loud.”
She didn’t reply, but instead poured a cup of coffee and then headed out the back door.
Placing the skillet and pans in the sink, I ran the water and headed out to the porch to talk with Janice. As I stepped outside, I said, “Why are you so mad at me?”
“Really? Don’t act so naïve.”
Shaking my head, I crossed my arms. “What? This still about Paul playing pool?”
“Don’t pretend like you didn’t know about his side chick down at the pool hall!”