Tears of the Broken (Dark Secrets)

by A. M. Hudson

  How can he be so calm?

  My mouth opened, but the roll-call bell cut off my words. I don’t even care that I’m late. My dad will know, and Emily’s probably still waiting for me, but the rest of the world seems so unimportant in comparison to never seeing David again. “Why would you tell me you’re leaving, David? Right before school—” I looked up at him. “Why would you break that kind of news to me…and then hold me so close?” Isn’t there enough cruelty in the world already?

  “Because I…” His fingers balled up into my hair at the nape my neck, “—I don’t want this. I never did. I just…my life is very complicated. Falling in love?” He leaned back and looked into my eyes. “It was never in the cards for me.”

  “But you did, right? So…can’t that, I mean, doesn’t that change things?”

  David softly moved his head from side to side. “I wish it did. I can’t bear to leave—not now I feel this way for you. But I can’t stay. I tried to change things, but they…” His voice trailed off to thought.

  “Change what? What needs to change? Me?” I took a step back. “I can change. If I’m too needy, if I—”

  “Ara.” He scooped me into his arms again. “No. It isn’t you. Don’t you ever think like that. You’re lovely, you’re perfect, but there’s no way around this—I’m leaving. There’s nothing more to it.”

  “But—” The coldness in his conclusive tone ruffled a deep rise of anger in me. My teeth knitted together. “How could you? Just like that?” I pushed his chest—hard—forcing him away from me with a mighty huff. “God. I really meant nothing to you, did I? You just…why tell me?” My hands gripped my hips. “Why?” If I mean so little to you. “Why not just leave?”

  “Contrary to what you may think, Ara-Rose, I do care for you. I’m only telling you this after agonising over it the whole time we’ve been together. Do you think I want this?” He pointed to his chest. “Because if you do, it shows how very little you know about me.”

  “That’s exactly the point, David,” I spat his name out with a mouthful of spite. “I know nothing about you. You haven’t even told me why you’re leaving—you never tell me anything. You say you love me?” I dropped back on my heels. “Then tell me. Why are you leaving? Give the excuse. Come on?” I challenged. “What great reason do you have this time?”

  “Please?” He stretched his arm out—his fingers reaching. “Don’t do this, Ara. I just wanted to prepare you. I just didn’t want you to wake up one morning and wonder where I’d gone.”

  “So, that’s what you do, is it? Huh? You just hook up with girls? Torment them until they love you and then leave them—let them cry themselves to sleep every night, wondering what they did wrong?”

  “No.” David’s deep, breaking voice steadied and he gently slid his fingers down my shoulder, along my forearm and into my hand. “Ara. I’m not a bad guy, I—look, there’s a lot you don’t know about me—”

  “Clearly,” I cut in with a cold, sarcastic edge to my tone. “You said—you told me you were here to stay, that you were always going to be around,” my voice quivered. “Why would you do that?

  He took a breath and his shoulders dropped, but he didn’t look at me.

  “Please, David. I’m going crazy here.” My heart gave in to the tears and they spilled endlessly over my cheeks. It’s over, all the hope I had for surviving the pain. If he goes, I don’t know what I’ll do. I feel so unsteady, I feel like I’m standing on the street, alone, in the pouring rain, and even the smell of the cut grass and the vapours of the melting dew on the hot pavement won’t change my mind, won’t make me believe this is not some horror movie where my hero walks away, gets hit by a taxi and I never see him again.

  David’s chin turned in the direction of Mr. Herman’s house before his eyes followed. I angled my head slightly, catching the old man’s gaze as he stared at us through his lace curtains. “Ara, this isn’t the place to have this discussion. I—” He pulled my hand until I stepped closer to him. “I’m sorry. Okay? I know I said I’d stay, but—”

  My shoulders hunched and shook harder. I wiped the useless torrent of betrayal-thickened tears from my chin and covered my quivering jaw.

  “Ara?” David said in a soft, smooth whisper; I looked up, but he added nothing else. Instead, he watched me break apart in front of him—sobbing, red-faced, no doubt, with my mask of composure completely crumpled into a sour-faced scowl. I wish I could control my emotions. I’m so ashamed of myself. But David’s the glue—he’s everything that’s holding me together.

  “Please don’t cry,” he pleaded, as though somehow my tears might bring the sky falling down on him.

  “What am I supposed to do?” I said in faint whimper. “Should I just say fine? See ya. Nice to know you? What did you honestly expect by telling me this, David?”

  “I don’t know. I guess, I thought you’d take it better.”

  “How would you take it?” I yelled. “No. You know what? Screw you.” I pushed his chest, he took a few stumbling steps backward. “Screw you and all your weird behaviour. I’m sick of it. Do you hear me? Go—just go. I don’t care,” I screamed at him through hysterical tears.

  His lips froze, open like a small cavern, and his eyes broke into glassy jewels, displaying the fact that his proverbial heart just stopped. I know he’s shocked and hurt, but I don’t care.

  Letting the sobs out in noisy hiccups, I folded my arms over my chest and lowered my head.

  “I really am very sorry, Ara.” David backed away from me, one step at a time.

  I watched in disbelief. How can he leave me like this? How can he leave me in the middle of the street, crying?

  My soul shifted as the gap between us grew.

  No. I can’t let him leave. Oh, God, I should’ve bitten my tongue. I should never have said those things to him. “David? Wait!”

  “Please don’t, Ara.” He shook his head, then turned away.

  “Where are you going?” I forced myself to stop crying and run after him. “I’m sorry. Please?” My feet dragged me across the road, to his side, quickly. “Don’t go? I don’t want you to go. Please don’t do this…” I begged, tugging on the sleeve of his black silk shirt.

  As David looked down at me, the ice shell that masked his face broke into a thousand pieces and his shoulders dropped, followed by his arms. He spun his body and tucked me into him, squeezing his fingers into the back of my neck—forcing my face hard against his chest.

  I feel complete again.

  “Please?” I mumbled into his shirt. “Just don’t go. Please…just don’t.”

  “I have to, Ara. I have no choice. It’s not up to me.” He shook his head. “My sweet girl, if you only knew how deeply I love you—you would know how this is tearing me apart.”

  “Is it?” I wiped my wrist across my nose and looked up at him.

  He nodded. “You should know that.”

  “But, there must be something? I mean—if not for the sake of love, then what else? There has to be a way you can stay with me.”

  David squeezed me closer to him and took a breath. “I can’t stay with you, but you could…”

  I stopped sobbing and looked up at him; he focused on something really far away. “Could what, David?”

  He looked over his shoulder, at the school, and sighed. “I have to do something. Will you be okay on your own today?” he asked in a kind and soothing voice—like he was speaking to a child.

  “No. I won’t be fine. I mean. I don’t want to be. I want you to stay.” A cold rush of emptiness blanketed my chest as he stepped away from me. “Where are you going?”

  “To buy some time. Figure things out.”

  “Figure what out?”

  David smiled down at me, the same way he did the first day we went to the lake. He wiped his thumb over my moist cheek. “You know better than anyone that I have secrets?”

  I nodded.

  “Moving on is one of the ramifications of holding secrets, but for me, revealin
g them could be worse. So, please don’t be sad without me, today.” He kissed my nose. “I need some time to think—to see if I can find a way around this, or at least buy some more time for us to be together. Okay?”

  “Are you coming back?”

  David smiled and nodded. “Today, I will be.” He kissed my forehead and backed away from me. My fingers clutched his shirt, but he took another step and they broke free—just fell away, like he never even noticed I was there.

  “I wish you’d tell me what’s going on,” I called as he crossed the road.

  He stopped without turning around. “I want to. God knows, Ara, I want to. But, I—we’ll see. I have to think.” He shook his head. “I can’t do that with you here. You cloud my mind.” He started walking again, leaving me standing alone and confused in the middle of the lonely road. “I will find you later.”

  David headed across the grass to the front car park while I took the walk of shame toward Emily—still waiting at the top of the stairs. She’s been watching the whole time. It must’ve looked like David and I had a fight, but anyone who knows David would know that’s nearly impossible.

  As I neared the steps, I winced at her very confused and worried stare. Maybe I should just go home. I don’t want to be inundated with questions about what just happened, in fact, I’m struggling not to cry.

  Emily swallowed her concern when I took the first step, and by the time I stood in front of her, the usual bright smile had spread across every inch of her face. “Hey, Ara,” she beamed.

  “Em?” I rolled my head to the side. “Don’t pretend there’s nothing going on—that just makes it worse.”

  “Sorry.” Her shoulders dropped.

  “Come on, let’s just get to class.”

  “Okay. Um, Ara?” Emily stopped me with her hand on my elbow. “I’m sorry. I know you’re upset, but, if you need to like, talk or anything—” she pulled one shoulder up and touched her cheek to it.

  “Thanks, Em.” But don’t worry; I won’t be discussing any private affairs with anyone. I can hold in hurt just fine. I don’t need to talk about it.

  Chapter Twelve

  As we walked to class, Emily babbled mindlessly about the benefit concert and our difficult mythology paper—which hadn’t sounded so difficult when Dad assigned it. I slipped into the safety of my proverbial eggshell-carrycase and wandered around with a fake smile on my lips, even though, inside, my guts resembled fricassee.

  David’s pendulum behaviour is driving me nuts. He says it’s not because of me that he’s leaving, but that’s what they always say. I said it to the first boy I ever broke up with because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him he smelled like macaroni cheese and crayons.

  I must’ve done something wrong? In my world, you don’t leave the ones you love—not even with a good excuse. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong or what you have to do, you give it all up, give up everything for love. I’d do that for David, why won’t he do the same for me? I must have done something wrong.

  The day floated past me; I merely existed in its wake, unable to listen or feel. I watched them all around me, the people, and heard their voices, but could in no way be a part of their world.

  Music class, Biology, English, I never really paid attention to any of it. At lunch, we determined that the benefit concert would be held next Saturday night, and started making up posters for it—with the help of the Art students. Then, Emily went as far as to request that the performers meet after school for further rehearsals. And we actually agreed.

  Looks like everything for the concert is falling in to place, while for me, everything is falling apart.

  Even watching Alana and Ryan cheerfully walk everywhere together—and whenever a teacher wasn’t looking, hold hands or kiss—I actually felt the hollow pit of jealousy; something I’ve never felt before. They’re so normal, and I’m beginning to think, to my dismay, that David’s not.

  Then again, maybe I’m not normal. He’s been gone for only half a day and I’m pining like a lost cat. That’s not normal. Perhaps I’m too clingy and that’s why he finds it so easy to leave me. He didn’t even seem that upset. Maybe he does this all the time. It might be a hobby of his—to hang around a school until some unsuspecting girl falls for him, then he dumps her and leaves.

  Or maybe he’s a criminal or a kidnapped child—forced to call his captor Mum or Dad—and now they’ve been caught and have to flee, or maybe he really isn’t only eighteen and he’s under witness protection. He could be thirty for all I actually know about him.

  Dad gave me a warning glare as he continued his boring lecture on some religious topic—something about vampire myth. He knows I’m not concentrating…or even listening. But how can I? David’s leaving and all I can do is wonder why?

  That last thought—witness protection—has really got my mind going, though. He did say he had to leave, not wanted to—that it isn’t my fault and he wishes he could tell me what it is. I feel a little relieved. But…hang on, if he is under witness protection, he could be in danger. Worse, if he leaves, he might never come back here.

  With a few shallow breaths, I sat up straight in my chair. I need to focus on Dad’s lesson; I can feel the tears prickling, and Dad will surely give me the full inquisition if I cry in his class again.

  “So,” my dad continued, “When God created Adam, he also created who?” He pointed his pen to a student up the back.

  “Eve,” a boy answered with surety.

  “In some versions of the story, yes, that’s true. But it’s also told that God first created a woman named Lilith. Now, she has many names in different cultures: Lilith, Kali, Satrina. She’s also known as The Snake, The Screeching Owl—” I fazed out as Dad droned on for a minute.

  It’s really hard to feign interest.

  “So, unlike her sister Eve, Lilith was not created from a part of Adam. She was created as his equal. However, Adam would not treat her as such. He tried to force her to submit to him as he pleased, and so, in a stand for her own rights, Lilith left. Just disappeared.”

  “Sweet, world’s first feminist,” one of the football jocks snickered from the back of the room.

  I have to admit, this is getting interesting.

  “Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard Lilith referenced that way,” Dad said with a chuckle. “But, very sharp, Mr. Grady. So,” Dad paced the floor, gesturing with his hands as he spoke, “At a loss now, God decided to create another woman for Adam. But this time, she would be bound to Adam by the flesh.” Dad stopped and looked around. “Who knows what that means?”

  “She was created from one of Adam’s ribs or something, right?” the paper cannon kid next to me said.

  “That’s right. And because of this…?” Dad pointed around the room and stopped on Emily.

  “She couldn’t just leave him?” Emily breathed relief when Dad nodded.

  “Exactly. Lilith, on the other hand, believed Eve was made to be naïve—that God had not given her the knowledge of herself. Some say Lilith acted as the snake that conned Eve into tasting the forbidden fruit, also known as the—” his voice trailed up in question.

  “Fruit of Knowledge.” Emily grinned, dropping her raised hand. Why did she even bother putting it up if she wasn’t going to wait for him to address her?

  “That’s right. Ten points to the students paying attention down the front here—” Dad grinned and scribbled only five lines on the top right corner of the board. “And deduct five, for my daughter, who hasn’t heard a word we’ve been saying.” The whole class erupted into a murmur of giggles; I slinked down in my seat—staring daggers at my father.

  “Now, as the story continues, Lilith, who, like Adam, was created to be in God’s likeness, lived outside the Garden of Eden. If we jump forward in the story a little,” he looked at his watch, “you’ll remember from our studies in religion last term that those in God’s likeness have the same power as the Almighty—which included immortality.

  “
If you research Lilith, you’ll find that in many cases throughout history she was said to be the Goddess of Seduction and believed to have power over men. In fact,” Dad said, raising his index finger, “in many cases, when men were unfaithful, they proclaimed it to have been an act of seduction by the Goddess, and not an act of sin. Sounds like the easy way out if you ask me,” Dad said and pretended to choke himself with his tie. The class laughed—but not me; I’m still mad at him for singling me out.

  “Wasn’t she also said to be a demon, which ate small children?” a student asked.

  “Yes, Grace.” Dad raised his brow, looking impressed. “That’s exactly right. There are many different myths surrounding Lilith. If anyone here knows the story of Cain and Able, you’ll know that Cain murdered his own brother, and was punished by God—banished, and cursed for eternity with a thirst for blood. Then, he fell in love with the Goddess, Lilith.” Dad smiled at the class. “Can anyone see where I’m going with this?” He looked around; no one answered.

  I shrugged when he looked at me. How would I know?

  “Okay, well, it’s told that Lilith and Cain had a child—an immortal, who inherited his father’s blood thirst. The world’s first myth about…?” He waited, his brow arched and his cheeks high.

  “Vampires,” a voice said from the doorway.

  Quiet murmurs spread over the class as everyone turned to look at the boy leaning on the doorframe with his hands in his pockets, looking incredibly cool. David! How long has he been standing there?

  “Very good, David, and you’re not even one of my students. And so—” Dad said as he walked over to David and took a note from his hand, “—you can see that even legends of the most vile of creatures may have some religious origin.”

  David looked at me and smiled. It was not returned—I’m still upset with him, too, and I don’t have any happiness in me to form a smile.

  Dad whispered to David for a second, then looked at me. Emily and I exchanged glances. “Ara?” Dad called.