by Komal Kant
Chapter Thirty
Lincoln
The truth I’d been keeping from Hadie this whole time, finally spilled free from my mouth, taking with it the weight that had been holding me back for so long. But now it was out in the open. Hadie knew the truth and there was no going back.
I tried to keep my voice steady as I spoke. “I was diagnosed with stomach cancer about a year and a half ago. By the time the doctors found out and started chemotherapy, it was too late. The cancer had already spread too far for me to heal. The only thing the chemo was doing was delaying the inevitable, so I refused to have the treatments any more. I was done with the side effects, done with losing my hair. I was just waiting to die.”
Hadie swallowed and stared at me with glassy eyes. She nodded as if to tell me to continue.
“That’s why I came here. I couldn’t stand the way my friends looked at me, like I was a dead man, like there was no hope for me. Moving to Statlen gave me a chance to start fresh, even if it was only for a short amount of time. I wanted to be away from the people who knew me. I never planned on meeting you, on finding someone like you. You gave me hope…” I trailed off as bitter tears stung my eyes.
Goddamn. I wasn’t going to cry. I hadn’t cried yet. I was not going to cry now when I was telling the girl I loved that I couldn’t be with her for much longer. I was going to keep it together. I was going to…
A sob racked through my body, and my chest shook as the weight of everything hit me all at once.
No matter how hard I tried to pretend that everything was okay, it couldn’t be further from the truth. One day, very soon, I was going to lose everything. One day, I would be gone. I wouldn’t be “me” anymore. I would only be a vague memory—someone to be remembered.
Hadie started forward and wrapped her arms around me. My head fell onto her shoulder and I let the sobs rip through me as I finally got all the grief out of my system. Hadie cried right along with me, her small frame shuddering against mine until our sobs, our pain and our helplessness were one and the same.
She rubbed my back with her hand, and just that small gesture made me feel like I could unburden all my deepest, darkest fears onto her—like I could tell her absolutely anything.
“I’ve wanted to tell you for so long,” I finally said, my voice raspy from all the crying, “but I kept putting it off. There was never a right moment to do it. I was so scared, Hadie, so scared when I went to bed every night; scared that I wouldn’t wake up the next day and get to see you.”
Hadie’s grip on me tightened and her nails dug into my shirt. I didn’t care though. The slight pain was a nice distraction from the pain that was scorching me inside.
“Every day I woke up, I woke up alone. I couldn’t talk to you. I couldn’t tell you the truth. You must hate me for doing this to us. You must absolutely hate me.”
Hadie shook her head. “I could never hate you. I love you. I understand why you didn’t tell me. At first you didn’t tell me because you didn’t know me well enough. And then you couldn’t tell me because you knew me too well.”
I nodded, amazed that this girl who hadn’t been a part of my life up until two months ago understood me so well. She understood me better than my family and friends did. Each and every time she spoke, it was like she spoke only to me; like she’d peered into my soul and understood everything that was going on inside.
“I love you,” I whispered, pressing her as close as she could get and inhaling the sweet scent that always drifted around her. “I love you and I don’t want this moment to ever end.”
Hadie lifted her head up, her lips trembling. “There must be something, anything, the doctors can do for you. Maybe if you tried chemo or radiation therapy again there’s a chance you’d make it.” She sounded desperate, grasping at straws, trying to figure out a way for me to stay with her just a bit longer.
I shook my head, giving her a sad smile. “No, Hadie, there’s nothing that can be done for me. The cancer has spread too far. The doctors told me I had a year to live. Well, my year is up. It was up months ago. I’m living on borrowed time, but that time is soon going to run out. I can feel death creeping into me. I can sense it when I lie in bed at night. It hovers over me like a cloud, just out of reach, but I know it’s there. I’m not going to put myself through chemo or radiation therapy ever again. Either way, I’m going to die. It’ll only be delaying something that is inevitable.”
Hadie chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes filled with anxiety as they darted over my face. “But your parents can’t be alright with it. They’re your legal guardians; they can force you to have the treatments. In fact, I’m going to talk to them and make them!” Her lips trembled again as her eyes flooded with tears.
“No, listen to me,” I said, my voice eerily calm. “They did force me to have the treatments at first, but when the doctors were certain that the cancer was terminal, I refused the treatments. I told my parents I’d run away if they forced me to continue chemotherapy. This was my decision, Hadie. That’s one of the reasons my mother is so bitter towards me. She can’t understand why I’m welcoming my death. She can’t understand why I’m stringing you along when there’s no hope for us.”
Understanding dawned on Hadie’s face and she looked away. “So why are you welcoming your death? If you had already given up then why did you get involved with me?”
“I’ve made peace with my fate. I’m ready to meet my maker or whatever comes next; I’m not sure.” I blinked back tears as I watched her. “As for you, I guess I didn’t want you to give up, too. I’ve been selfish. You intrigued me. I wanted to see you smile, to see you laugh. And not one of those smiles that were a complete farce; I wanted to see a real smile. I know what it’s like to put on a mask each day, trying to pretend that everything’s fine when it’s not. I didn’t want you to be like that. I just didn’t think I’d fall for you. Believe me when I say that I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Well, it explains a lot,” Hadie said in a quiet voice. “It explains why you don’t drive, the mood swings, your lack of appetite, your chest pains, how out of breath you get from a little physical exertion, why you kept to yourself, and why you waited so long to do anything with me.”
I stayed silent as she listed off the things about me. Hadie had definitely noticed a lot more about me than I’d ever thought she had.
A silence spread between us as Hadie’s words hung in the air. She needed time to process everything that I’d just told her and I needed time to figure out how I was going to deal with having to leave her. That was something I needed to come to terms with. It was something I’d tried to deny, but now that the truth was out in the open, I couldn’t avoid it any longer.
I had to learn how to let go of Hadie.
“This doesn’t feel real.” Hadie broke the silence, lifting her eyes to stare up at me. Her hand gripped my arm as though letting it go would make me vanish into thin air. “None of this feels real. It seems like a bad dream. I keep waiting for myself to wake up, but it’s not happening.”
“That’s how I felt when I first found out. It gets easier if you try not to think about it too much.”
“I don’t really know what to say. Is there anything I can do for you?” Hadie had that look in her eyes—the look that everyone who knew about the cancer gave me. It was a look of pity. And it pissed me off.
I took a step back and pointed at her face. “You can start by getting that damn look out of your eyes. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me. I get enough of that already and I don’t need it from you.”
One of the reasons why it’d been so easy to spend time with Hadie was because she hadn’t known about my sickness and she never gave me that look, like I was a lost cause. I could really be myself with her, but now that was going to change. It was the one thing I didn’t want to change. I didn’t want to be anyone’s charity case.
Hadie’s eyes widened. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to…”
“And you can stop apologizin
g to me too. You don’t need to tiptoe around me as though I have delicate feelings or some shit like that. I don’t want to be treated differently. If you’re angry at me and you want to scream at me then scream at me. If you want to slap me across the face then do it for God’s sake!”
The words were barely out of my mouth before Hadie raised a hand and slapped me across the face. I stumbled backwards, not from the force of it, but because I hadn’t been expecting it at all.
I stared at her, my heart racing. “What the hell was that for?”
Hadie stared back at me, a wry smile playing around her mouth. “That was for not telling me the truth about you.”
I gaped at her open-mouthed. “I can’t believe you slapped me!”
Hadie shrugged nonchalantly. “You know I can’t control my violent tendencies for too long. Besides, you’re the one who told me that I should be more spontaneous.”
I pressed my mouth in a tight line, letting seriousness take a hold of my face. “You are going to regret doing that, Hades.”
She placed both hands on her hips and tilted her head to the side. “Oh, yeah? What are you going to do about it, Link?”
“This.” I lunged forward and grabbed her around the waist and threw her over my shoulder. The additional weight caused my stomach to twinge in pain, but I wasn’t carrying her much further.
Hadie beat on my back with her tiny fists, barely causing me to flinch. “Lincoln Bracks, put me down!”
“Sure, I will,” I said, before throwing her into the back seat with a gentle thump.
***
Hadie dropped me home an hour later with the promise that she’d call me the next morning. We’d wanted to stay out longer but it was already past midnight and my mom had called and texted several times demanding that I come home immediately. It was probably for the best anyway. It was a cold night and the autumn chill had seeped into our bodies like an icy fog.
Besides, I could tell that Hadie needed some more time to digest everything I’d told her. She’d had a glazed look in her eyes every time there was a silence, and I could tell she was thinking hard about everything I’d told her. The crap that was going on with me was hard for anyone to handle, but I loved how strong Hadie was being. She’d really held it together and I admired her for that.
She had asked me if she could talk to her parents about what was going on with me. I’d told her it was fine as long as she didn’t tell anyone else, like one of her friends. I understood that she needed to talk to someone other than me. It was all part of the process of accepting what was going to happen.
When I walked into the living room, Mom was sitting by herself watching some crappy late night infomercials on TV. She turned her head at the sound of my footsteps and switched off the TV before standing up to meet me.
“Why are you late?” she demanded. “Your friends got home hours ago and you weren’t even with them! What was the point of wasting their time and getting them to come here if you weren’t even going to spend time with them?”
I was silent as she yelled at me, not wanting to piss her off even more. It was probably too late for that anyway. I always ended up pissing her off in some way.
“I told you that you could only stay out for two hours.” She looked furious as she tucked her dark hair behind her ears. “Look at the ti…”
“I told Hadie everything.” I said, bowing my head.
Mom paused, her face as unreadable as a blank canvas. “And what did she say?”
“She said she’s going to be there for me.”
I heard Mom sigh, and I raised my head to see that she was frowning.
“That girl has no common sense at all, does she?”
Rage shot through me, but I pushed it back and tried to keep my voice steady as I addressed her. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that she’s building herself up to get hurt. She should just stay away from you and that would be the end of all this nonsense.”
I gritted my teeth even though what I really wanted to do was slam my fist into the wall. “It’s not nonsense, Mom. We’re in love. She cares about me.”
“Oh, please don’t be ridiculous, dear,” Mom scoffed, “You’re seventeen. You know nothing about love. This is just a phase that all teenagers go through.”
“Just because I’m seventeen doesn’t make my feelings any less valid than someone who’s fifty,” I shot back. “What Hadie and I have is real, which is more than I can say for you and Dad!”
“How dare you!” Mom’s eyes narrowed into slits. “After everything I’ve done for you, you dare speak to me like that!”
I took a deep, calming breath. “Mom, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Leaving your job and our home wasn’t easy. Taking care of me and watching me die isn’t easy. I’m grateful for what you’ve had to sacrifice for me, but don’t tell me that my feelings for Hadie are part of some phase. Don’t try and act like everything between you and Dad is fine when it’s not.”
“What happens between your father and I is none of your business!” Mom was livid; the air around her seemed to crackle with electricity. “We’ve had problems, but we’re working through them…”
I snorted. “A problem is when he can’t get it up anymore, not when you sleep around with another guy.”
Smack!
Mom’s hand came around and hit me across the face before I even had a chance to react. My face stung from the force of the blow and I reached up to touch my sore cheek.
Mom stepped away from me, her chest heaving as she stared down at her hand. She looked like she was in a state of shock, not believing what she’d done.
“Lincoln, I’m s-sorry…I don’t know what came over me.” Her eyes were wide and her face was flushed as she moved towards me again.
I quickly took a step back and held up my hands to stop her from coming any closer. “It’s cool, Mom. It’s actually pretty refreshing. This is about as real as I’ve ever seen you act.”
Without another word, I turned to head into my room, completely done with my mom and her active denial of the way she’d treated my dad. If that’s how she wanted to be, then that was her problem.
I wouldn’t be around for much longer anyway.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hadie
Mom and Dad were just heading to bed when I walked into the kitchen and slumped down into a chair at the table.
Halo immediately bounded up to greet me and sniffed my shoes before collapsing at my feet and rolling onto her back. Knowing what she wanted, I leaned over and absently scratched her belly as she went still, transfixed by the belly rub.
My dad said as he walked over to me and ruffled my hair. “We thought we’d stay up and wait for you just in case you came home drunk again.”
I continued to stare down at the floor and didn’t respond. Drops of water splattered onto Halo, and I glanced around to see where they were coming from. It took me a few more seconds to realize that the drops of water were coming from me. I was crying for the second time that night.
“Hadie, what’s wrong?” All trace of humor had gone from Dad’s voice and I sensed a hint of worry in his voice.
“Honey, did you and Lincoln break up?” Mom asked, moving beside me and placing a hand on my back.
“Did dinner with his parents not go well?” Dad asked. “Was your friend’s band that bad?”
I still didn’t look up, but a sob wracked through my body and I couldn’t stop myself from shaking.
“Hadie, baby, what happened to you?” Dad pulled me out of the chair and onto the floor.
I curled against him and continued to let the tears fall free. I’d cried when I was with Lincoln, but I’d held most of my sadness back. I hadn’t wanted to make him feel any worse about his situation than he already did, so I’d suppressed all my grief. But now I couldn’t contain it any longer. All my emotions were fighting to break free.
“Just let her get it out of her system,” Mom said gently as I felt her arm wrap around
me as well.
I don’t know how long the three of us sat on the kitchen floor, holding onto each other as though the world was about to end, but my parents did not let go of me until my crying subsided.
Five, ten, maybe even twenty minutes passed.
When I didn’t think I could cry any longer, I raised my head and looked into my dad’s eyes. He met my gaze with concern and I felt bad for putting my parents through this and making them worry.
“I’m fine now,” I said, smearing my tears with the back of my hand.
“Come and sit back down at the table,” Mom said, her tone soft. “I’ll get you a glass of water.”
Dad guided me back into the chair and planted a kiss on my forehead and then stood back to watch me.
I clenched my fists so tight that my knuckles started turning white. I was glad when Mom handed me the glass of water and I gulped it down gratefully. My throat was so dry from all the crying I’d done.
Mom and Dad sat down at the table across from me and simply watched and waited. They had so much patience and all the time in the world for me. They would sit there all night if that’s how long it took for me to tell them what was wrong.
But how exactly was I going to tell them? I had barely wrapped my head around everything. Maybe it would do me good to talk about it. Maybe I’d feel better.
“I don’t even know how to say this.” My voice was low as I searched for words. “Lincoln told me something about himself that is so unbelievable that it has to be true. No one would make something like that up, but I guess I’m having a hard time believing it. I think I don’t want to believe it.”
“What is it, honey?” Mom asked, reaching across the table to hold my hand.
I lowered my gaze. “Lincoln’s dying. He has cancer.”
A stunned silence met me and my parents didn’t say anything for several minutes. I didn’t blame them. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to crawl into bed and cry, or scream my lungs out. There was sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I wanted to throw up but couldn’t bring myself to do it.