A sudden memory of Elliot stopped her. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Adulterer, she said under her breath. Bloody adulterer. Once again she felt a burst of something she could barely control and, after she had mastered herself, a feeling of unexpected gloom descended.
“Louisa?”
“What?” she snapped.
He didn’t react to her tone. “What can I say or do to make you feel better?”
She blinked rapidly. This was not the way she liked to view herself. She was a positive person, a caring person, not this seething, resentful mess.
“I’m cheerful,” she lied, “but scared.”
“He’s only a little boy.”
“Don’t make me feel worse than I already do.” She glanced at the sky. The brightness was gone and now the yellowy light was tinged with purple, a sure sign more rain was on its way.
He smiled a crooked kind of smile. “Would it help if I told you I’ve thought about the ball?”
“And?”
“And I’ve got my houseboy cleaning up my dinner suit. I hope I don’t let you down.”
“You know the ball is soon. Is your van fixed yet or will you come to my place on your motorbike?”
“The bike, but I’ll change at yours if that’s acceptable?”
“Perfectly. I can’t wait to see you spruced up.”
“You don’t like me as I am?”
She wanted to say something significant but didn’t reply.
A serious look came over his face. “About the other day…”
“It isn’t that…I feel exhausted by so many conflicting emotions I can’t trust my own judgment.”
“I imagine trusting anyone at the moment must be tricky.”
She sighed and then shook her head. “A little more than tricky, to be perfectly honest.”
He took a step toward her and put a hand on her arm: a gesture of infinite tenderness. When he gazed into her eyes his look was full of concern. “Well, just remember I’m here and I’m on your side. If—”
It made her feel good to hear it. When he looked at her like that, his eyes so honest and calm and full of whatever this was that hung between them, she felt better, but then the doctor came out suddenly and they sprang apart.
“Well,” he said. “I have the sample. So, Louisa, we should be getting back so I can send this off.”
“I’ll just drop the doctor at his surgery, Leo, but then I’ll come back with a houseboy to try to clean Zinnia’s bedroom.”
“Are you sure?” Leo said, his dark eyes now looking intense. “Kamu and I can do it.”
She sighed. Her nerves had already been stretched taut, and as they climbed up the hill again, Louisa kept an eye out for Conor—but they reached the top, got into the car, and were on their way before he appeared. If she was honest with herself, she felt a little ashamed at how relieved she was to have missed him.
As she drove, the doctor was quiet, and so was she. Even if Zinnia had tried to put a stop to their relationship, the cinnamon plantation was where Elliot’s heart had been. Louisa had to finally accept he had in reality left her long before the day he died.
“So, what did you make of her?” she eventually said.
“It’s hard to tell. She says she has some good days, but things look somewhat severe to me.”
Louisa nodded and concentrated on the road.
“If you can manage to sanitize her room it would be a great help, but Louisa…”
“Yes?”
“I hope you don’t think I’m speaking out of turn, but in my job I tend to hear gossip and I wouldn’t want you to be hurt. I wanted to suggest you don’t go in too deep with Leo.”
“He’s a good man.”
“I’m sure he is, but don’t underestimate what you’ve been going through.”
“He’s taking me to the ball. Just as a friend.”
He smiled. “Well, that should be fine. You deserve a little fun. Just be careful. You are more vulnerable than you realize.”
“That’s exactly what my father said.”
“Grief can affect people in different ways and last much longer than they understand, especially if it’s complicated.”
Louisa wasn’t sure if she was grieving for Elliot anymore. She felt she was grieving for the loss of her favorite dog and for herself; for the loss of who she had thought she was. Did that make any sense?
* * *
—
After she had dropped off the doctor, the first person she saw was Margo, who was sitting in the back garden while the rain held off. Louisa’s two dogs had been lying at her feet but raised themselves to welcome their mistress.
“I miss Zip so much,” Louisa said as she sat and stroked Bouncer’s head. “I can’t bear what they did to him.”
“I know.”
They remained in silence for a few minutes, Louisa thinking about Zip, but the hurt was too raw and she tried to focus on something else. And yet, when she did, all that came to mind was Elliot with Zinnia.
“Where have you been?” Margo asked.
“I took my doctor to see Zinnia. He thinks it might be malaria.”
“Goodness.”
“I’m going back again in a few minutes to help air her bedroom and give it a spring clean. I was going to see if one of the houseboys is free.”
Margo seemed to be thinking. “Are you sure you’re up to it?”
“I’d rather keep busy. I don’t want to sit around just twiddling my thumbs. It’ll do me no good. I’ll have the emporium to think about soon but right now I feel so angry about Zip.”
“Not about Zinnia?”
“Her too, though if you saw how ill she is…”
“I’ll come with you, if you like. I’d quite like to see what she’s like.”
“Honestly, it’s hard to tell. She’s so sick.”
“Shall I come with you anyway?”
“Where’s William?”
“Indoors, chatting with your father.”
“Dad’s here?”
“He just popped in. He wanted to know if you had anyone accompanying you to the ball. If not, he says he’ll do it.”
“That’s not necessary.” Louisa thought of the trail of events leading to this moment. “Leo’s coming with me.”
“I’m glad.”
“Will William still be here?”
“Yes, but we’re going to have to get a suit made up for him chop-chop. He didn’t pack for a ball!”
“I don’t suppose he did. And we’d better take our compromising photograph soon.”
“Yes. Sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. It might be fun. Will you be half-dressed?”
Margo laughed. “Something like that.”
“Oh Lord! And in bed, no doubt.”
“That would do it. Though honestly, once two people have decided to call it quits, shouldn’t they just be able to do so without all this rigmarole?”
Louisa wondered if Margo was right. Should people be tied together so inextricably? Was that how Elliot had felt? Trapped? Stifled? She shook her head. It hadn’t seemed that way.
* * *
—
As they pulled up outside Zinnia’s house, Margo took a deep breath and Louisa saw the confusion in her sister-in-law’s face and that she appeared to be battling with her thoughts and feelings.
“It feels strange knowing Elliot was here so much,” Margo said. “In my head, I keep trying to find a way to make things better. I can’t forgive him—and I hate feeling like this.”
Louisa didn’t reply.
“When I think of all the attention he had as a child. Mother rarely showed any interest in me. I remember us sitting together at the kitchen table while he copied his homework from somebody else’s exercise book. He laug
hed when I said it was wrong and Mum just smiled and said there was no harm in it. She just wanted him to get a high mark. Can you imagine? Now the way he’s behaved haunts me, but it must be so much worse for you.”
“I want to remember what we had, yet at the same time I don’t. Knowing Leo has helped.”
“How do you mean?”
“I’m not sure. He makes me feel better about myself, I guess.”
Louisa pushed open the front door to the bungalow, Margo trailing behind. Once they were inside, Louisa glanced back to see her sister-in-law gazing around at the paintings of Zinnia with Conor, just as she herself had done.
Though Margo had been the one who had always seen through Elliot, Louisa could sense it was hard for her to discover the true extent to which her “perfect” brother had not been so perfect after all. She felt a flicker of unease and a tight little stab of jealousy in her chest. It couldn’t be denied that Zinnia had been very beautiful, talented too, and maybe a little wild.
“This doesn’t look too bad,” Margo said.
“I’ve already cleaned this room.”
“Where is she?” Margo whispered behind cupped hands.
“Through there.” Louisa drew breath and pointed at a door. “We need to encourage her to come out here and lie on the sofa…Oh God, can we do this?”
Battling with a mixture of fear and determination, Louisa stared at Margo.
“I can, if you can,” Margo said.
“We might have to carry her, or support her on both sides. She’s very weak.”
She knocked on Zinnia’s door, opened it and peered into the room. This time the curtains were open and the air smelled fresher. Perhaps she’s improving, Louisa thought. Then she tiptoed over to the bed.
“Remember me?” she asked.
Zinnia nodded and spoke in a low voice. “There’s no need for you to be here.”
“I promised Doctor Russell I’d get your room shipshape. If you just sit up a bit, my sister-in-law will help me get you up and walk you through to the sitting room.”
Zinnia’s eyes widened. “Elliot’s sister?”
“Yes.”
“You both must hate me.”
Louisa glanced away and then back at Zinnia. “I tried to,” she said in a small voice.
Margo came into the room carrying a box. “I’ve brought the cleaning stuff.”
Louisa nodded. “Come on, Zinnia, please shuffle up if you can, and then swing your legs over the side.”
Zinnia managed to raise herself to a sitting position, then Louisa turned to Margo. “Actually, could you run her a bath? The bathroom is through there. Do you have hot water, Zinnia?”
“Leo’s houseboy comes to stoke the boiler once a day, so it should still be hot now.”
Margo went through and Louisa could hear the water running.
“I can’t manage a bath on my own.”
“We’ll help you.”
“Really?”
Louisa nodded, though her heart was hammering in alarm, or maybe it was confusion. All she knew for certain was this wasn’t easy. When she heard Leo calling out, she felt a wave of relief. Because he was there, yes, but also he might be able to help them move Zinnia into the bathroom.
He came into the room. “Louisa,” he said and his smile lightened her heart. “I’ve brought clean bedding.”
She took a few steps forward and felt more confident. “We want to give Zinnia a bath before she goes to lie on the sofa. Margo’s in there running the water.”
“That’s kind.”
“I’m only doing what has to be done.”
When Margo called out that the bath was ready, Zinnia’s eyes were glued on Leo and Louisa. “You two seem close.”
Louisa took a step back and answered briskly. “We’re friends, that’s all. Now, Leo, could you carry Zinnia through?”
“Leo can’t undress me.”
“We’ll do that.”
“Where’s Conor?” Zinnia asked, glancing at Louisa with a worried look.
“Don’t worry. He’s up at my place, drawing snails,” Leo said.
He walked over to the bed. “Now?” He asked Zinnia to wrap her arms around his neck. Then he lifted her gently. “You’re as light as a bird, Cousin.”
“I’ve lost weight.”
While he carried her to the bathroom, Margo came out and exchanged anxious looks with Louisa.
“It’s not easy,” she said.
“I know, but she needs us to help her,” Louisa said. “After that, will you make a start on the room, please.”
“I’ll strip the bed first.”
“We could send the sheets to the dhobi but it might be quicker to do it here.” She sighed. “I’d better go in.”
Zinnia was sitting on the edge of the bath as Louisa went in. A few awkward moments followed, during which nothing was said, then Leo spoke up, breaking the uneasy silence. “I’ll check up on Conor, but I’ll be back later. Can you manage, Louisa? I can stay if it would help?”
“No. You go to Conor. Margo and I will be fine.”
After he had left, the women stared at each other. There was so much to say that remained unspoken, yet it seemed to Louisa that neither of them had a clue where to begin.
“I loved him, you know,” Zinnia eventually said.
Louisa nodded. “Me too.”
“He said your marriage wasn’t happy, that he would leave you, but after eight years I began to see it wasn’t true. He would never have left you…That’s why I ended it.”
Louisa glanced away and then gazed at Zinnia. “He loved the child?”
“Very much. Your lost children broke his heart.”
Louisa swallowed rapidly and then tested the temperature of the water. “We need to get you in. Can you take off your nightdress yourself?”
Margo came in to help and Zinnia lifted her arms, but then they fell limply at her sides. “I haven’t the strength.”
“Hold up your arms and I’ll pull it over your head,” Margo said in a matter-of-fact way.
“Margo’s a nurse,” Louisa added.
When Zinnia was finally naked, Louisa was shocked at her appearance. Just skin and bones, with arms and legs like sticks, and the lines of her ribs showing through the transparent bluish skin of her chest.
“Doesn’t Leo feed you?” she tried to say lightly.
“He’s always bringing food. I’m just not hungry.”
Louisa held one of her arms while Zinnia managed to haul herself into the bath, where she lay back exhausted by the effort.
“Margo, can you get a jug, please. We need to wash her hair.”
Margo nodded and Louisa followed her out; she saw she had stripped the bed and piled up everything in the corner.
“Are you all right?” Margo said. “You look drawn.”
“She’s dreadfully thin.”
“But it isn’t that, is it?”
“Not just that. I feel so weird being with her and can’t help thinking of her with Elliot. I want to help her but I’m still getting flashes of anger.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“But how can I be angry with someone who is so terribly sick? I feel like a monster.”
“Darling, you’re anything but. It’s natural you should feel that way. Most women wouldn’t even consider helping, under the circumstances.”
Louisa gazed at the wooden floor.
“Do you want me to take over in there?”
“No. Have you come across a hairbrush anywhere?”
“There’s one on her bedside table.”
Louisa picked up the brush, while Margo found a jug in the kitchen area and then they went back to the bathroom.
Zinnia’s eyes were closed.
“Can you sit up?” Louisa said.
Zinnia’s eyes flew open. “I was thinking of what he’d say if he could see us now,” she said.
“He’d probably run a mile.”
Zinnia managed to smile. “Maybe he manipulated both of us?”
“Maybe. Now sit up. Can you?”
Margo helped Zinnia to sit but the woman began to cough.
“I’ll get a glass of water,” Margo said.
Louisa began to pour water over the long, tangled hair. She found some shampoo and asked Zinnia to keep her eyes closed while she lathered it. It took a while to wash out all the shampoo, but after it was done Louisa did her best to brush Zinnia’s hair.
“He loved my hair, you know.”
“I’m not sure I want to know.”
“It was how we met,” Zinnia continued.
Louisa sat back on her haunches and let Zinnia soak for a while. She closed her eyes but Elliot was still a daunting presence between them.
“So how did you meet?” she eventually said, curious despite herself.
“He came to an exhibition launch in Colombo, looking for a picture for you, I think. Anyway, he was staring at a self-portrait I’d recently painted. I heard him say, ‘What marvelous hair.’ He hadn’t seen me sitting behind the desk so I went up to him.”
Louisa inhaled slowly then let out a shuddering breath.
“I introduced myself and he said my hair was even better in the flesh. We both had a glass of wine and I asked him if he’d like to go on to a bar. My stint behind the desk was over so I was free.”
“Did you know he was married?”
“I didn’t at first. He was so handsome and charming, I just liked him from the start. He made me feel special. He knew how to do that. But we didn’t sleep together for a while after that.”
“Because you found out he was buying a picture for his wife.”
“No, he didn’t say that then. He said it was for a friend.”
“So, when did you find out about me?”
“Just after your first miscarriage nearly eight years ago. He came to me, heartbroken. That was the first time we actually slept together.”
Louisa gulped and there were a few moments of ghastly silence.
The Sapphire Widow Page 22