“Do I hear a criticism?”
“Maybe.”
“What would you do differently?”
“Well, as you know, I’m not a parent, so I’m probably out of order, but I feel he needs to have a few basic rules. He is free to wander, which is fine, but I think he also needs the restrictions and challenges of school.”
“I’d have thought you would be more free-spirited.”
“My father was right about one thing. Children do need to know where the boundaries are.”
“Does he behave badly?”
“No. He’s a good kid. I suppose what I’m saying is, I feel he needs more structure. He’s too young to cope with so much freedom and it makes him insular. I’d love to see him spending time with other children.”
“You care about him.”
“Yes. I’m very fond of him. At first I was worried about Zinnia having her son here, but having Conor in my life, getting to know him, seeing him running about the place, well, it’s been a privilege.”
They walked on. It was too dense and noisy for further talk. Halfway up the hill a flock of green rose-ringed parakeets fluttered from one tree to another amid noisy chatter.
At the top of the plantation, nearer the jungle, she heard an exquisite liquid birdsong.
“Black-headed orioles,” he said.
“Ah yes, I’ve heard them here before, I think,” she said and stood to listen.
After a while she added, “Thank you for this. I often used to slip out to the ramparts with Elliot to watch the sunrise. The birdsong there was never like this.”
He smiled. “Glad you enjoyed it. Breakfast?”
“Absolutely. I’m starving.”
“Scrambled eggs and toast?”
“Divine.”
They walked into the house and up the stairs. While he was brewing coffee and seeing to the food, she sat out on the veranda and gazed down over the now misty treetops. The birds were still singing but it seemed quieter out in the open than in the heart of the plantation.
When he came out with the coffee she drank hers scalding hot. “Coffee has never tasted so good,” she said and then began to eat.
He laughed and she noticed the fan of wrinkles around his eyes deepen.
“You certainly have an appetite,” he said.
“It’s the fresh air. I lost my appetite after Elliot died but I feel it coming back.”
“More dawn walks for you, then.”
She glanced away from him but felt warmth spreading through her.
“You mentioned watching the sunrise with Elliot. What was he really like?”
“I don’t know any more. It’s not a great feeling when you’ve spent years seeing someone in a certain way, only to find out he was quite a different person.”
“There’s always more than one way of seeing things. Maybe it’s not that what you thought wasn’t real. Maybe it was real, but there was also another side you didn’t know about. Doesn’t everyone have secrets?”
“I’m not sure. Probably not such big ones.”
“True.”
She shook her head. “I wasn’t always honest about the way his absences affected me. I just got used to them.”
“I can understand that.”
“What about you, Leo? What are your secrets?”
He shrugged. “My whole life.”
She gazed at him, wondering what he meant and what really made him tick. “Do you find it hard to talk about yourself?”
“I’m certainly not used to doing it. But what I meant was, if you don’t share yourself intimately with anyone, it’s as if you as a person and your whole life become quite secretive. I have Zinnia, and Conor of course, but that’s not what I mean.”
“You become hidden?”
“In a way.”
“Do you like being on your own?”
“I’m happy with my own company, if that’s what you mean.”
“Can I ask you something?”
He laughed. “You already are, aren’t you? But fire away.”
She smiled. “What do you wish for?”
“To make the plantation a success.”
She narrowed her eyes slightly as she scrutinized his face. “I mean personally. Doesn’t the isolation ever get too much?”
“I’m not really isolated. As I said, there’s Conor and Zinnia and, of course, Kamu.”
“I’ve never really been on my own until now.” And thinking of Elliot she paused. “Perhaps we can never really get inside another person.”
“We see what we want to see, don’t you think?”
“Or what the other person allows you to see.”
He nodded. “That too.”
There was a prolonged silence while Louisa thought about what he’d said. She believed people needed each other, that life without close contact must feel empty and purposeless, that sharing love was essential to well-being.
“You’re really not lonely?” she finally said.
He was gazing at her with intensity. “I didn’t say that. Life here can be lonely at times, especially the evenings, but just as you became accustomed to Elliot’s absences I have become accustomed to my life as it is.”
“Would you ever share your life with anyone?”
“That sounds like a leading question.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I wouldn’t rule it out,” he said. “After Alicia, I found it hard to trust anyone, so got into the habit of backing off if anyone came close.”
And now, she wanted to say. How do you feel now? But instead she leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. There was only so much she felt she could say and another long silence followed.
“The dawn suits you,” he eventually said, and she opened her eyes to see him smiling. “More toast?”
She nodded.
After they’d eaten their toast he rose from his chair. “I shall have to check on Conor before I get to work. Will you be all right walking back down on your own?”
“I’ll be fine,” she said and she too got to her feet. “Thanks for breakfast.”
They gazed at each other.
“I really enjoyed it,” he said.
On her way back down the hill, Louisa watched the striped squirrels racing up the tree trunks as they heard her passing. The birds were quieter now, though a few lone ones still continued singing. She went over everything Leo had said and even though they had spoken of Elliot, she hadn’t felt the heavy-heartedness that usually followed thoughts of her dead husband. The past seemed to be edging further away. Today she felt light as a bird herself, as if a huge weight had been lifted from her. The day no longer stretched before her emptily, and she laughed out loud as she felt a new resolve bubble through her. It was time to concentrate on the emporium. What would happen between her and Leo was uncertain, but it was clear she had made a good friend.
It was raining on the morning of the ball, the light dull, so Louisa briefly let the remaining two dogs out into the garden—it was too wet to go for a walk—but she grabbed a mac and umbrella and went over to the emporium. The builders were already hard at work by the time she arrived and had completed the first few tasks, clearing up the mess left behind by the printers, and hoisting men onto the roof to clean the huge circular cupola so they’d all be able to see what they were doing. The carpentry was also underway and the shutters were being sanded. As she walked around she noticed some of the floorboards were broken in the room that had been locked.
“Don’t you worry,” Himal said. “When we begin sanding the floor we’ll mend anything that’s loose. My carpenter is already assembling the furniture and it won’t be too long before we can give the place a first lick of paint.”
Back home she went upstairs to check her evening dress had been pressed. She plan
ned to wear an ice-blue gown made of satin. Its slim silhouette, narrow bias-cut skirt with inset panels, and natural waistline suited her tall, lean shape. The bodice was semi-fitted, with a “V” neckline at the back and front, and cap sleeves. She would wear it with a matching blue chiffon scarf and her sapphire earrings.
The hours passed slowly as they often did during the monsoon. Louisa listened to the rain hammering on the road and tried to read, while Margo and William braved it to pick up his suit in the afternoon, and then the three of them set about taking the photo William would need for his divorce. While Margo and William climbed into bed, Margo with her hair loose and shoulders bare, Louisa adjusted her camera. William took off his shirt, but other than that they were both fully dressed. Margo giggled as Louisa glanced up.
“This feels so weird,” she said.
Margo pouted and struck a wanton pose, making them all laugh.
“Maybe put your arm around her,” Louisa said.
“He’ll have to do better than that,” Margo said jokily.
William looked uncomfortable but agreed with Margo. “There’s nothing for it but a smacker full on the lips,” he said.
Louisa raised her brows. “Oh God. How embarrassing.”
“Are you ready?” William asked.
“All set. Ready when you are,” Louisa replied.
While William and Margo kissed, Louisa took several photos and they all again collapsed into laughter.
“Perhaps you should get in with us,” Margo said. “That would really put the cat among the pigeons.”
* * *
—
Later, as the evening shadows lengthened and sunlight painted pink streaks across her bedroom walls, a nostalgic feeling gripped Louisa. It affected her deeply that, despite sensing she was moving on, Elliot could still be so suddenly present. She sat at her dressing table and half expected to look in the mirror and see him standing behind her.
“You look great,” he’d say. And she’d smile and tell him he always said that, only now she wouldn’t smile. She’d glare at him and call him a liar.
The room emptied just as suddenly and he was gone. It seemed to her that he had heard her. And now she was left sitting at the edge of what felt like an endless silence, her thoughts and emotions suspended. She didn’t turn on the light but allowed dusk to slip into the room.
As seven o’clock came and went, Margo tapped at her door. “Why are you sitting in the dark?” she said as she entered and switched on the overhead light.
“No reason,” Louisa said. “You look lovely.”
Margo was dressed in deep scarlet which intensified the shiny darkness of her hair and made her bright green eyes glitter. “Any sign of Leo?” she asked.
Louisa shook her head. “He’s a bit late, but I’m not surprised. He wanted to make sure Conor was in bed before he set off.”
“He’s cutting it rather fine.”
“Why don’t you and William go on ahead and we’ll catch you up. Take my father with you.”
“I think he wanted to meet Leo.”
“He’ll meet him at the ball.”
“How are you feeling?” Margo said.
Louisa took a long breath in and exhaled slowly. “I was thinking of Elliot.”
“I miss him too.” Margo came across, bent down and put an arm around Louisa. “But people telling you to let him go doesn’t help, does it?”
Louisa shook her head.
“Sorry.”
Louisa sighed. “Do you realize I’d never have known about Zinnia and Conor until the day he eventually left me.”
Margo shook her head. “If he ever left you. I hate to say it of my own brother, but he really knew which side his bread was buttered being married to you. I couldn’t see him giving all that up—and for what?”
“To be able to live with his son, I suppose.”
“He did want children. Partly to make up for the loss of our brother, I think.”
“He never said so but I always felt that.”
“Though I was just a toddler at the time, I think my mother’s airs and graces must have started back then, and her ambitions for the remaining men in her life. She pushed them to be what they weren’t.”
“Elliot too?”
“The sky was the limit in her eyes. It must have been hard for him to live up to her aspirations.”
“That doesn’t excuse him.”
“No…” She paused for a moment. “I just don’t see what it was about Zinnia.”
Louisa shrugged. “She’s a shadow of who she once was. Back then she must have seemed exotic and enigmatic. Very different from me, anyway. I wanted to hate her, you know, but how can you when someone is so frail?”
“He did love you. I’m sure of it. But none of us really knew Elliot, did we?”
Louisa didn’t reply.
“I can’t help wondering if there was something I could have done.”
“Don’t blame yourself, Margo.”
“By the way, my mother phoned, asking all manner of questions about Conor. I haven’t told her Zinnia is ill. I wouldn’t put it past her to come and scoop up the child.”
“Leo wouldn’t let that happen.”
“He may not have a choice. She is the child’s grandmother.”
Margo left the room and Louisa finished doing her hair and then sat in the sitting room to wait for Leo, feeling very alone, and with just one lamp shining light on her polished nails. Deep silver, the varnish was called. Almost an hour had gone by when she got to her feet and started pacing the room. She didn’t believe Leo would be the sort of man to let her down, so something must be keeping him. But by nine o’clock she accepted she’d have to face the ballroom on her own. She was just checking her hair again in the hall mirror when there was a knock at the door. She took a few steps back into the sitting room and allowed Ashan to answer it. Thank goodness, she thought when she heard Leo’s voice, and then he came into the room carrying a carryall. He looked at her in astonishment. “Wow!” was all he said.
She felt herself redden.
“Louisa, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know if you’d still be here.”
“I’m just glad you made it. Did something happen?”
“Zinnia wasn’t too well and Conor wouldn’t settle. I’m having a telephone line installed but they haven’t finished the job yet, so at the moment there’s no way of contacting you. I’m so pleased you’re still here.”
“I waited.”
“Yes.”
They gazed at each other, both smiling.
“You’ll need to change. I’ll show you to a guest room.”
“Thank you.”
He didn’t move.
“What?”
“Louisa, you have the most beautiful gold flecks in your eyes.”
* * *
—
When he came downstairs, the transformation was complete. Instead of the waxed jacket he wore to ride his motorbike he was in an elegant evening suit. He had tamed his wavy red hair a little, but not so much that he didn’t look like him. He wore his good looks easily, almost as if he was unconscious of the effect he had. But gazing at his broad shoulders, long legs and dark eyes she couldn’t turn away, nor stop her stomach flipping over.
He gave her a crooked smile. “Will I do?”
“You’ll more than do.”
He cleared his throat. “I didn’t say how beautiful you look.”
She glanced away, then back at him. “You said you liked my eyes.”
He nodded.
There was a silence between them and, feeling a little like a debutante on her first date, she faltered. A car revved in the street, a lone dog barked, and she heard something fall to the floor in the kitchen. She was tempted to check what might have been broken, but then realized it was just a
way of momentarily escaping her nerves.
“Well,” he finally said. “Ready?”
And then, despite her misgivings, her heart swelled with happiness as she took his arm.
“Shall we walk?” he said. “The rain has stopped.” He held her back a moment. “I just wanted to say something first.”
“Go on.”
“It’s clear there’s something still so hurt in you. I want you to know I understand.”
Overcome by a wave of emotion, she nodded.
* * *
—
As they entered the ballroom a foxtrot was in full swing. She held on to his arm and looked around at the glittering chandeliers and the vast bouquets of flowers. The walls, lined with floor-to-ceiling mirrors, reflected the lights and the dancing couples. It was packed and, despite the earlier rain, it was hot. She wanted to find her father to introduce Leo to him, and so they threaded their way around the edges of the room. They eventually found Jonathan chatting with Elspeth Markham, a stalwart of the congregation at All Saints’ and one of the principal flower arrangers.
“Hello, Mrs. Markham,” Louisa said. “Can I introduce you both to Leo McNairn? Leo, meet my father.”
While they all shook hands, it was clear Jonathan was assessing Leo. Louisa knew her father was just looking out for her but couldn’t help feeling a bit irritated. She gave Leo a quick sideways glance.
“If it’s all the same to you, Dad, Leo and I are going to take to the floor.”
Taking the hint, Leo put his hand on her elbow.
“Maybe we could have a drink together later?” Jonathan said. “Shall we say in the bar in an hour’s time?”
“Of course,” Leo replied.
“My father’s going to give you the third degree. Sorry,” she whispered as they made their way to a space on the dance floor.
He laughed and took her in his arms. As they began a waltz, Louisa’s earlier uncertainties dissolved and she allowed herself to fully enjoy being close to him. Once again, she sensed something flowing between them and felt certain he could feel it too. He drew her even closer and they moved effortlessly together until she felt too hot, so then they made their way to the bar. The room was busy, but she found an empty alcove while Leo went to order two glasses of champagne.
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