“And it has.”
“Yes.”
Louisa took a deep breath. “I wanted to explain more about Conor.”
Gwen smiled warmly. “Only if you’re ready.”
Louisa nodded and told her the whole story about Elliot’s debts and about Zinnia and their son.
“I still don’t understand why he did it,” she said. “The affair had been going on for about eight years. Can you believe it? For two thirds of the time we were married.”
Gwen reached across the table for Louisa’s hand. “It’s not your fault, you know that?”
“It’s what I tell myself.”
“Believe it.”
“I think it might have been different if we’d had a child. I feel like a mother, you know.”
“That must be so hard. I am sorry.”
Louisa gazed out of the window and spotted Janesha the shopkeeper passing. She raised a hand to wave.
“He was so caring when we lost Julia. I used to think I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. Now I just feel like a fool.”
“He was the fool for not realizing what he had.”
“That’s the thing. I think in many ways he did realize but he just couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t resist the temptation and went to her straight after my first miscarriage. I suppose our fate was sealed then.”
“Not if he had stopped.”
“Maybe.”
“At first it seemed that everything was falling apart. I felt utterly duped, as if I had suddenly become nothing. That I didn’t matter. That he couldn’t have done it if I’d mattered. I felt so small, as if I wasn’t even real.”
“And now?”
“Now the deception still hurts, but maintaining the anger is just too exhausting.” She sighed. “Anyway, I feel as if I’ve got myself back now. Or at least the parts I need most.”
“I felt as if I’d lost myself after Liyoni.”
“I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? I’m stronger now. If I wasn’t, I couldn’t look after Conor.”
“You may feel stronger but things have a habit of catching up with us.”
It was then that the food arrived and they busied themselves with eating. Alice murmured in her sleep and Gwen bent down to check on her.
“She’s dreaming,” she said and stroked her daughter’s cheek. “Now tell me more about Leo.”
“We’re friends.”
She grinned at Louisa. “And?”
“Well, as I said, he runs a cinnamon plantation not far from Galle. It’s where Zinnia lived too. They were cousins. It’s a pity you were busy when he collected Conor this morning.” She paused.
“So?” Gwen prompted.
“So, the truth is, I really like being with him.”
“Aha! Sounds exactly what you need.”
“Not too soon?”
“Does he make you happy?”
Louisa thought about it. “He makes me feel alive again and seems so solid after Elliot. We’ve spent quite a bit of time together and I find it so easy to talk to him. I wish you could meet him.”
“Maybe I will when he brings Conor back tomorrow. Has he ever been married?”
Louisa shook her head.
“A bit of a bachelor.”
“A bit but there’s more to him.”
“I think if anything makes you feel good about yourself it’s a good idea. What Elliot did must have knocked your confidence terribly.”
Louisa nodded.
“Whatever the outcome, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
“You really think so? I’m nervous about making a mistake. How can you tell if someone genuinely cares for you?”
“We have to trust our instincts.”
“But that’s exactly it. I want so much to trust Leo and sometimes I think I really do, but after Elliot…”
“Don’t let Elliot ruin your future. If Leo is what you want, turn your back on what happened. You must.” Gwen sighed. “I don’t know, but whatever life flings at us we have to find a way to get through it, don’t we?”
“But you’ve been happy with Laurence?”
“Yes, but we’ve had our trials.”
“Of course. Losing your daughter must have been so terribly sad for you both.”
Gwen glanced down and Louisa wondered if there was something more her friend wasn’t saying.
* * *
—
The rest of the day passed uneventfully but, contrary to her expectation, Louisa found she was missing having Conor around the house. And when Gwen took a late afternoon nap with Alice, apart from the usual creaks and groans of old floorboards and new plumbing, the house was too quiet. Feeling like a stranger in her own home, she read part of a novel, caught up with sewing her patchwork quilt, and took the dogs for a walk. And, in the silence, she found herself daydreaming about Leo, her mind returning to him again and again. The way he talked, the way he moved, and the way his dark eyes shone when he smiled at her. She could picture him so clearly it was as if he were in the room. What she had told Gwen was true; Leo had helped her to recover her confidence and she eagerly looked forward to seeing him again.
* * *
—
The next day, hearing a baby’s cry, Louisa woke suddenly. But with her eyes wide open she knew it had been a dream. No baby. Then as if to mock her, she heard baby Alice crying. She thought of Conor. She had a child to look after now, didn’t she, and a child was a child, so Conor might be her only chance.
That afternoon Irene and Margo turned up unexpectedly. Louisa felt apprehensive and gave Margo a look as she ushered them into the sitting room. Margo raised her brows and shrugged.
“It’s a shame you missed tea,” Louisa said. “Instead of our usual Sunday cake we had a French one made by Camille. A tarte Tatin. She’s actually very good.”
Margo nodded.
“Dinner won’t be long but I’ll get Cook to rustle up a sandwich. Will that do?”
“It will have to,” Irene said and puckered her lips.
“You should have let me know you were coming.”
“Sorry. We got the early bus,” Margo said. “It was all rather a rush.”
“I won’t beat around the bush,” Irene said. “I’ve come to see my grandson. Margo says he’s here. Not that she wanted to tell me, mind.”
Margo mouthed an apology at Louisa.
Louisa sighed. “I’m afraid he’s not here.”
Irene shot her a piercing look. “Where is he then?”
“The plan is for him to spend weekdays here and weekends with Leo until he’s old enough to go to boarding school.”
“That sounds most unsatisfactory. Children need continuity, stability, things to remain the same. All this chopping and changing won’t do at all.”
“We think we can make it work.”
“I plan to stay for a week at least. Though Harold is not for it, I want to get to know the boy.”
Louisa’s heart sank. “That’s not such a great idea, Irene. Let him settle down with me first.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist.”
“He needs time, Irene, before he meets anyone new. It’s been a huge change.”
“I am not anyone! I am the child’s grandmother. I warn you, I have instructed my solicitor to take out an application for custody.”
Louisa sighed. That was all they needed.
Irene was the last person she wanted judging her attempts at communication with Conor, especially as she seemed serious about custody. She glanced across at her sister-in-law, but Margo appeared subdued and that made Louisa wonder if it was because of something to do with William and his divorce.
There was a knock at the door and Camille, the French maid, brought in a plate of sandwiches.
“Excuse me,” she said. “Ashan has had to go out. Is there anything else you need?”
“Gin and tonic,” Irene piped up.
“Just water for me, please,” Margo said.
“Actually, Camille, while you’re here, I wanted to ask if you’d be prepared to help the little boy staying with us to learn some basic French.”
“It would be my pleasure, Madame.”
Once the girl had left the room Irene glared at Louisa. “You’re asking a kitchen maid to tutor my grandson?”
“It’s a good idea. He has never been to school and has a lot of catching up to do.”
“Why can’t he go to school here?”
“They won’t have him because he’s illegitimate. Only a nastier word was used by the children.”
Irene’s eyes widened. “I won’t say it isn’t an obstacle, but were we to adopt Conor that would give him legitimacy, wouldn’t it? And if he were at school in Colombo—”
Louisa interrupted. “I don’t think Leo would allow it, Irene. His home is the cinnamon plantation. It’s all he has ever known.”
“Who is this Leo to the child? From what I hear from a friend of Elspeth Markham’s, he’s just a second cousin of some sort, or a first cousin once removed. I forget which it is. Either way, a grandparent takes precedence.”
Camille came back with the drinks and the room went quiet. Louisa wished Irene hadn’t arrived. It was going to complicate everything. As for Conor, she didn’t know what to expect but hoped for better behavior, or she’d have to suffer Irene’s gloating comments.
When Leo brought Conor back, the late afternoon sky was still a gentle pearly lilac with little wind and showing no sign of imminent rain. Gwen and Louisa went outside together and Louisa introduced her friend to Leo.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Gwen said, smiling broadly and holding out her hand.
Leo shook it. “Likewise.”
“How has Conor been?” Gwen asked.
Leo tilted his head. “Very good.”
And indeed, Conor seemed like a changed boy. Instead of his habitual glower he smiled at Louisa and she noticed there was color in his cheeks. It was a welcome sight and she hoped it might signal an easier week ahead.
“Conor has been on his bicycle almost the whole weekend,” Leo added. “I told him he could cycle around Galle too if somebody goes with him.”
“I love to cycle,” Louisa said and bent down to talk to Conor. “When I was a child I spent all my time on my bike. First thing tomorrow morning we’ll go for a ride. If you like, that is. And later, my dad will help with your history lesson.”
Margo came out and, as she and Gwen chatted with Conor, Louisa drew Leo aside. “I’m afraid Conor’s grandmother, Irene, has turned up with all sorts of plans.”
“Such as?”
“Taking him to live in Colombo, for starters. Honestly, Leo, she’s the last person who should take care of him. She’ll ruin him.”
“Well, she’ll have me to deal with first. Don’t worry. It may come to nothing.”
She sighed. “I hope you’re right.”
While Conor was absorbed with Gwen and Margo, Louisa suddenly turned and gazed at Leo and felt the full weight of this, whatever this was. She hardly dared think of what the future might bring but wanted to hold on tight to the feeling of being so close she could hear him breathe.
“Are you okay?” he said softly.
She nodded.
“If you need me, just call. And not just for Conor. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She nodded again. Her eyes misted up and she blinked rapidly.
“Anyway, before I leave, perhaps you could introduce me to Irene?”
Just then Irene came out and glanced at Louisa and Leo with a puzzled face.
Louisa felt paralyzed but Leo held out a hand to Irene. “Leo McNairn, Conor’s guardian.”
Irene sniffed but took his hand. “Irene Reeve.” She turned to Conor and without the slightest hesitation clapped her hands and started cooing over him. “And this must be my darling little grandson. But my, how like your father you look. How lovely is that? Uncanny, isn’t it, Louisa?”
“Yes. Just like Elliot,” she said, but even without looking at Conor’s face she knew the child was perplexed by the sudden acquisition of a grandmother. It hadn’t been the subtlest meeting and she worried about how Conor was taking the news.
“Well,” Leo said. “It’s nice to meet you, Irene, and you too, Gwen, but I must be making tracks. Be good, Conor.”
Conor gave him a hug and then stepped back and looked as if he was struggling with something. “Is she really my grandmother?” he eventually blurted out.
Leo nodded. “But Louisa is looking after you. Remember that.”
Louisa would have preferred to introduce Conor to Irene indoors, once Leo had gone, but now the woman had seen the way Leo had been gazing at Louisa and how close she’d been to tears. Louisa knew it might lead to pointed comments and goodness knows what other opposition. As Leo and Louisa walked over to his van he spoke in a quiet voice out of Irene’s hearing. “Would you be able to get away one evening? I’d love to see you properly.”
She felt a frisson of pleasure. “Yes.”
He broke into a broad smile.
“I had thought to pop over here again, but with your mother-in-law around it might not be too comfortable for either of us.”
“How about Tuesday? That should give Conor time to settle back in.”
“Excellent. And don’t let Irene get under your skin.”
“I have to tell you, she really is after getting custody of Conor.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Seriously. Not a chance!” He paused for a moment. “Look, while Conor is with Irene can you slip away?”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
She nodded. “Just for a little while.”
“Come on. Let’s go to the ramparts.”
Walking close to each other but not quite touching, they made their way, smelling the fish hanging out to dry as they passed that shop. Everyone greeted Louisa as they went by and she smiled back at one and all.
“You know the whole town,” he said.
“Pretty much.”
“Would you like an ice cream?” he asked and stopped outside an ice-cream vendor’s tiny shop.
“Mango sorbet, please,” she said.
He bought the ices and handed one to her.
They passed the softly scented frangipani tree and reached the old walls, where they looked out across the shimmering silvery ocean in the dusk.
“It seems to go on forever, doesn’t it.”
She nodded as they sat themselves on the wall and she carried on licking her ice. “I love the salty smell of the sea and the way it always changes.”
“What does it mean to you? Living here, that is.” He waved an arm across the view.
“I feel rooted here.”
He glanced at her and reached across to touch her chin where a drop of her ice had dripped. He wiped it away with his fingertips and then licked them.
“Thanks,” she said.
“Would you ever live anywhere else?” he asked.
“That depends on the reason for moving. What about you?”
“I suppose the plantation is the first place I’ve called my own. I’m enjoying having control over my life.”
She tilted her head and frowned. “You didn’t before?”
“In a way I always have, but a lot of my decisions resulted from chance. This is something I’ve actually chosen and committed years of my life to.”
“And you have Conor to think of now.”
He nodded. “Which changes everything.”
She paused. “Leo, do you think trust is more important than love
?”
“Maybe you can’t have one without the other.”
“I trusted Elliot.”
“We’ve all given our trust where it wasn’t deserved.”
“But you can’t let one betrayal dominate your life, can you, otherwise you’ll never really live.”
He turned and tipped up her chin as he gazed at her. “And now? How are you feeling now?”
“I feel as if I’m coming alive again.”
* * *
—
That evening things passed relatively peacefully and when Conor was safely tucked up in bed, Gwen smiled at Louisa and told her how much she had liked Leo. Even on such a short acquaintance she could tell he was a genuine person. “Very real,” she said.
Louisa was happy to hear it and also felt relieved Conor seemed more settled; he had willingly cleaned his teeth and put on his pajamas without a fuss. He’d even allowed her to read him a bedtime story. Once she’d finished he asked about the little girl she’d told him about.
“The one whose mummy died too.”
“She grew up.”
“And was she happy?”
She smiled at him. “Conor, that little girl was me and, yes, I have been very happy. It doesn’t mean I haven’t missed my mum.”
“Can you still see her?”
“Can you see your mum?”
“All the time. I imagine she’s sitting on my bed in the morning. And I imagine her coming for a walk with me in the cinnamon plantation. I tell her about all the creatures.”
“Well, that’s good. We keep the people we love in our hearts.”
“Even when they are gone?”
“Even then. Yes.”
She touched his cheek, then got up and turned out the light. For a few moments, she stood outside his room and felt her heart lift. The conversation had reminded her of how she used to picture her mother in the kitchen stirring a cake mixture in an earthenware bowl, her fair hair falling over her face. And how she would see her hanging on to her hat when the blustery sea breezes blew too wildly. Or how she would curl up on the sofa, concentrating on a magazine, the pages rustling as she turned them, while the monsoon raged outside. These were not memories. They were invented images she used to console herself with as she grew up. The actual memories were hazy, incomplete moments: a hint of a smile and the lingering warmth of an embrace. No more than that.
The Sapphire Widow Page 29