by Ava Harrison
I still might fall.
The scene in front of me makes me want to.
There’s Christopher, Xavier, and two guys I don’t know. There’s also a gun.
All my nightmares of how this will go down play out in my brain. Every nightmare I’ve had since the day I walked into The Polaris Boys Club. I can’t breathe. It feels like there’s a cage around my body and it’s closing in, and there’s no exit in sight.
In my ear, I hear Pierce say, “Inhale. Everything will be okay.” But it doesn’t help. Fear is sitting on my shoulders, pressing into my spine, robbing my words, blinding my eyes, and dulling my senses. I’m incapacitated by it.
“Shut up,” one of the boys yells as he steps closer.
I should move, I should run, but I can’t, and no matter how much I will my legs to move they won’t.
Broken.
I’m broken.
But then my body starts to shake uncontrollably as I notice the gun is trained on us now.
“Don’t move.”
But I shake and shake.
“Breathe,” Pierce whispers, his arm reaching out to calm me, and when his hand touches mine, I calm, steady my legs, and will them to move.
One step.
My legs feel so heavy, but I push on.
Two steps.
“Don’t come any closer.”
I don’t heed his warning. I take another slow step, simultaneously lifting my hands to indicate I’m not a threat. “Listen to me. I’ll get you the money. Just let Xavier and Christopher go.” I take another step. “I promise. We won’t even call the cops. Just leave them alone. I’ll even add more money.”
Pierce takes another step until he’s next to Xavier. He’s ready to pull him away. Seeing Pierce there calms my nerves enough for me to move in closer.
“You’ll get me what I need?”
“Yes, I promise you. Just let us go. Let the boys go and I’ll get you whatever you need. Let them go and we will deal with this.”
He seems to consider it and I watch his chest, the air expelling from his lungs. The gun lowers and the breath I didn’t know I was holding drifts out of my mouth.
“Okay.” He nods to his friend before turning toward us again and glaring at Pierce to not move. I think we are finally in the clear until I hear a sound, a sharp intake of breath.
Pierce. It’s coming from Pierce.
“You,” Pierce mutters as his face pales. “It was you.”
“What the fuck is he going on about?” the guy not holding the gun says.
“The drugs.” My stomach revolts at the words coming out of Pierce’s lips. “You killed him.”
It’s as if everything happens in slow motion. The gun is lifted.
It’s like all those movies you watch.
The sound of his finger pulling the trigger.
The sound of the barrel cocking.
The pop of the gun.
Deafening silence.
The scene plays out so slowly, every second feeling like an eternity. That’s how it feels watching a bullet fire, watching it fly through the air, and watching . . .
“No!”
Everything stops.
The world around me fades.
I don’t see the commotion. I don’t see the lights. All I see is Pierce.
Running up to him, I drop to the ground. “Pierce. Oh my God, Pierce.” But he doesn’t answer. Panic floods through me as I pull him into my arms, rocking back and forth. “Someone get help! Someone call someone! Someone find us!” I scream into the night, not sure who will hear me. Begging God to hear me.
Blood coats my hands. Thick and pulsing. Pouring through my fingers. I press down, but no matter the pressure, the current doesn’t stop. It ebbs and flows, with no end in sight.
“No!”
His eyes flutter open. Then shut as his breath comes out in ragged, shallow gasps.
I watch as his chest concaves in with every strangled inhale.
I watch as the puddle beneath him grows, spreading across the pavement beneath him like a scarlet pool.
He’s dying.
Pierce is dying.
“No, Goddammit, no!” Tears stream down my face. “Don’t you dare leave me. Stay with me. Open your eyes. Someone, I need some help.”
In the distance, I hear it. Sirens. Each second stretches on an endless loop until it descends upon me, suffocating me with the sound. My heart pounds heavily in my chest. It beats along with the sound of running footsteps gaining in the distance. Next thing I know I’m being lifted off him and pushed away as they work on him. I can’t lose him.
I can’t.
My whole body shakes.
“You need to step away.” Arms pull me back.
Tears stream down my cheeks. “What’s happening?”
No one answers me.
I stand frozen.
Watching, listening, crying.
Helpless.
“Throw in an IV and let’s get fluids going wide-open,” one says.
“Let’s move.”
The next thing I know they are moving toward the ambulance. I try to keep up. I try to go with them. But I can’t. I can’t keep up and I can’t go with them.
They’re inside the ambulance before I can protest, getting ready to leave. The paramedics are working furiously to save his life, to stabilize him before transport. As they try to keep him alive, I stand frozen on the street staring inside the rig.
“We need to intubate.”
“I can’t see anything. It’s all blood.”
“Let’s just bag him and go.”
“We’re losing him.”
The door slams shut.
“No! No! No! Nooooo,” I scream. “Oh God.” An involuntary sob tears through my chest. “Please don’t leave me! Please. Please, you can’t go. You can’t take him. He needs to wake up. He can’t leave me. I can’t be without him. He can’t die. He can’t die. I love him, I love him.”
Next thing I know, I’m being engulfed in arms. I strain against his hold, trying desperately to break through and go to Pierce. Christopher pulls me into his chest, whispering words I can’t hear over my own wailing. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I repeat this over and over again in my head.
“We’ll get a cab,” Xavier calls from the end of the alley as he runs to me, standing on the street watching the ambulance drive off into the distance.
“He’s gone,” I say on a sob.
“Then we have to go, Miss Lindsey. Mr. Pierce needs you.” Christopher’s voice cuts through my cry but only makes me fall back to my knees on the sidewalk, wanting to curl into a ball and stay here forever. Allowing my weakness to take hold and crush me, pouring out all of my sorrow.
“We have to go,” Xavier yells and Christopher practically drags me up and toward the waiting cab.
Xavier offers directions to the driver, and Christopher tries to talk to me, but I don’t comprehend the words he’s saying. Sometime between kneeling in the alley and being placed in this cab, I’m frozen.
“Miss Lindsey. Miss Lindsey.” Xavier is shaking my leg, trying to get my attention. My head turns to him, lifeless. Numb. “Miss Lindsey, do you need to call Mr. Carson? He’ll be looking for us.”
I stare right through him.
“Hey, is she okay?” the driver says, drawing my attention to the front. It’s then I see the fear in Xavier’s eyes. It’s not only me who endured that traumatic event. These kids saw the same thing. They might not love Pierce like I do but witnessing something like that at their age isn’t normal. It isn’t right.
“Call Mr. Carson,” Christopher says to Xavier.
They’re right. Someone needs to call him. I left and didn’t tell anyone where I was going. Because I just took off, Pierce is hurt. Hell, he might be dead.
A sob breaks loose and Xavier pulls me into his chest and gives me a hug. “He’s going to be all right, Miss Lindsey. He’s strong.”
I lift my head, taking him in. These boy
s don’t need to see me breaking right now. They need to see me strong. I’m the adult here. I take a deep breath and push all of my emotions down. I try my best to sit up taller, and at least fake it. Rifling through my purse, I find my phone.
Me: At the hospital. Pierce was shot. I have Xavier and Christopher with me.
Me: I went after them when they weren’t at the center.
Carson: WTH is going on? Which hospital?
Me: Mount Sinai
Me: They need you. They can’t go home.
Carson: On my way.
Warm tears stream down my cheeks as I barrel through the doors into the hospital. My breathing is rapid and shallow and my vision is blurry as I approach the emergency room desk.
“W-Where is he?” I strangle out desperately. “I-I need to see him.”
A woman dressed in scrubs comes over to me. She reaches her hand out to me to steady me. “Do you need help?” All my limbs start to shake. I’m like a twig being pushed around by the wind.
“Let me help you.” Her hand touches my arm, but I pull away like a caged scared bird.
“Don’t touch me.” I push past her but lose my footing.
“It’s okay. I have you.” She holds me steady.
“I need to find him,” I sob. “I need to find him.”
Without him I’m nothing.
I’m hollow. Empty. Broken in two.
“Let me take care of you first. Where are you hurt?”
I shake my head back and forth, confused by her words. I follow her stare. My gaze drifts down. A desperate sob pours from my soul. My legs give out, making me crumple to the ground. But even as I fall, I can’t take my eyes off my hands.
My hands.
My hands are painted with his blood.
“Not mine.” My breaths come in gasps. “He’s gone . . .”
“Who, dear?”
“The only boy I’ve ever loved.”
“We’ll find him. What is his name?”
“Pierce Lancaster. He can’t die. We’re supposed to go away.” My body starts to rock. “He’s supposed to take me back.” Back and forth. “I never told him I loved him.” Back and forth. “He can’t die.”
I can’t breathe. I can’t walk. I can’t move.
All I can do is sob.
“He can’t die.”
Eventually the nurse tells me Pierce has been taken into emergency surgery. That’s all she’ll tell me as I’m not family. When my whimpering slows, I try to calm my shaking hands as I make the call.
“This is Spencer.”
“Spencer, thi-this is L-Lindsey Walker. I-I’m calling because there’s been an accident and Pierce was sh-shot.” The other end of the line is completely quiet. “Sp-Spencer? Are you th-there?”
“I . . . wait. Who is this? What happened?” Spencer says, sounding very confused.
“Pierce was shot and has been taken to Mount Sinai.”
“What the hell happened?” He’s angry, and that raises my hackles.
“He was trying to help one of the kids from the Polaris Boys Club. A gang member pulled a gun on a couple of the kids, and P-Pierce . . .”
I hear Spencer’s intake of breath. “Is he—”
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. We’re at the hospital now.” I say the last part a little colder than necessary. Spencer is a good guy, and I know he had his reasons to be angry, but I can’t help but be protective of Pierce.
“Absolutely. I’m headed out right now. Thank you, Lindsey.”
The line goes dead.
Sitting in the waiting room staring at the putrid yellow wall, I ignore everything around me. I’m in a dazed trance. Tired, exhausted, hurting, but mostly I’m emotionally torn in two. A commotion at the door has me looking toward it. Spencer and Grant come rushing in.
“Lindsey. Any news? What’s going on?” They’re talking over each other, each looking worried.
“We haven’t spoken to anyone yet. All I know is he’s in surgery.”
“What happened?” Grant demands.
I run through the whole sordid story, not leaving out any detail. Spencer wipes sweat from his brow while blowing out a harsh breath.
“Dammit, Pierce. Why does he always have to throw himself in the way of trouble?”
I surge to my feet before I even realize it, poking my finger in Spencer’s chest.
“He was helping. It was me who went there, and he didn’t want me to be by myself. He’s a hero in the situation, and you’d best remember that. You and your brother are always sticking your nose down at him, but really it was you two who always threw him to the side and made him feel less than. He’s always tried to get your attention. Good or bad, any attention was better than the cold shoulder.”
Spencer’s gaze lowers to the floor. Shaking his head, he pulls his fingers through his hair, grasping the roots. “I’ve neglected him,” he mutters to himself, and I can see he is visibly shaking. “Oh god”—a strangled sob escapes Spencer’s mouth—“he could have died. I was too hard on him. I-I just got lost in my own shit . . . You know we never meant that, right? We were thrown into the family business and never given a choice.”
I suddenly feel foolish having yelled at Pierce’s brothers in the middle of the hospital waiting room. All the emotion, protectiveness, and hurt exploded at once. I’m about to apologize or slink away when I’m saved by Carson coming through the door.
“What’s going on?” He looks back and forth between Spencer, Grant, and me. I pull him to the side and give him the rundown, explaining what the boys have gotten themselves into.
“Jesus, Lindsey. Why didn’t you come to me?”
“They asked me not to and I didn’t want to ruin their trust in me. I should’ve told you. I know that now.”
“Is this why you’ve been trying to set up a boarding school?”
I nod my head sadly. “Things like this shouldn’t happen, Carson. They’re kids.”
“You and I both know how easy it is to fall into bad situations. It’s not always kids from troubled pasts or bad neighborhoods. Every kid deserves someone who cares about them.”
A tear slides down my cheek at Carson’s words. What he’s saying is so true. Nothing is more important than love.
“I’m going to get these guys out of here.” He sighs. “I’ll call their parents and give them the rundown. I won’t tell them where they’re staying, but to trust they are safe. I’ll keep them with me.”
“My hotel.” Spencer steps forward. “You’ll be safe at The Lancaster.”
“I can’t let you do that,” Carson responds.
“You will let me. We’re family, man. I need to make sure you’re all safe.”
Stepping forward, I place my hand on Carson’s arm. “You should go to The Lancaster. It will make me feel better knowing you guys are okay.”
“You should go too,” Spencer says, turning toward me.
“I’m not leaving here.”
“Lindsey.” Carson tilts his head. “Come with me. You need to shower. You need to get out of those clothes.”
“I’m not leaving. I won’t leave him.”
He pats my back before gathering the boys and leaving. Sitting back in the uncomfortable chair, I pick at my pants nervously, praying for Pierce to come back to me. Without him, I have nothing. I can’t lose him, not now that I just found him.
Hours must pass of people coming and going. There have been crying families all around me, which doesn’t help my fragile mind, but I keep the faith. Something deep down inside me is whispering he’ll be okay. He’s got to be. Pierce’s parents are here now, and so are Olivia and Bridget. Amelia just left, and surprisingly, so were my parents. They sat with me, hugged me, and showed me support I could’ve only prayed for in the past. It meant so much to have them with me. I’ve since sent them home, so now, Olivia sits between Spencer and me. Holding both our hands, giving us both her strength. The doors to the back open up and out strides a tall man in a white doctor’s coat. This i
s the guy I’ve been waiting to hear from. I jump to my feet at the same time Spencer and Grant do, bum-rushing the doctor.
“Who’s the family of Pierce Lancaster?”
Both men raise their hands. “Me,” they say in unison.
“What can you tell us? How is he? Is my brother going to be okay?” Spencer questions nervously.
“He’s out of surgery, but there were complications. Your brother went into cardiac arrest. A thoracotomy was performed, in which a hole in his ventricle was identified. We stopped the bleeding. They were able to get him all stitched up and close the wound and he’s in ICU. He’s on a ventilator.”
A sob escapes my throat. The news that he’ll be all right, lifts the heaviness from my chest.
Spencer and Grant pull each other into man hugs, slapping each other’s backs.
“Can we see him?” Grant asks.
“Not yet. You should be able to see him in thirty minutes. One of the nurses will come and get you when he’s ready for visitors.” With that, the doctor turns and walks away.
I can breathe again.
Several more hours pass as Grant, Spencer, Pierce’s parents, and I fidget in our seats. Each of us takes turns on coffee rounds, needing to escape the dreary waiting room. It’s my turn and I take my time in the cafeteria. I’ve already downed one cup of espresso, but the exhaustion is weighing heavily on me.
I pick up the holder full of coffee and I’m heading back. When I round the corner, Spencer is missing. Grant stands, helping me with the coffee.
“Where’d Spencer go?” I question.
“He got to go back.”
I deflate at the news, jealousy overtaking me.
“The doctor said one at a time. He’s not awake, but we’re able to go back and talk to him. Mom and Dad are back there now taking turns and Spencer was going to relieve them.”
I nod, secretly hating the fact Spencer gets to go before me.
“Your time will come, Lindsey. I’ll make sure you get to see him,” Grant says, noticing my sadness. “I let him go back first because I know I’m the last person who deserves it.” He sits down, taking a deep breath. I follow, sitting in the chair next to him. “I’m the one who’s thrown this family through such turmoil. Spencer had to jump in as the acting CEO of Lancaster, and I went after them. It’s been one shit show after another, and it’s all my fault.”