Siddhi Ma herself cooks pots of khir in the ashram kitchen and sets them on the roof under the full moon, and then serves the sacred mixture to temple guests for breakfast the next day.
In this moment, I felt that Mata-ji saw into my girlhood heart—the longing, the betrayal, the cynicism, and the poetry. My darshan was probably complete. A dozen other devotees—Indians and Westerners—were waiting for their chance to sit at the feet of the Mother and ask for guidance.
“Any other questions?” Mata-ji said.
“Did she suffer when she died?”
There. That was the question that had been smoldering in the pit of my belly for nine years. But how could this old woman, who lived in a place that had been forgotten by time, possibly have an answer to the complicated set of conditions that took my daughter’s life, let alone address Jenny’s subjective state?
“She died in joy,” Mata-ji said.
I bowed my head. I touched her feet. She raised my chin, looked into my eyes, and said it again.
“She died in joy.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
How mysterious it is to me that certain people who have been so significant on my journey and who I love so much did not make their way into this book—or maybe only in passing. The story took on a life of its own, and I tried to surrender and trust that it was unfolding as it must.
And so I take the opportunity here to offer my deepest bow to those who have held my broken heart, in one way or another, as I navigated a path of grieving and transforming—an adventure that continues.
Bill McNichols, Jenny Bird, Jessie Martin, Elaine Sutton, Asha Greer, Anthony Mercolino, Charlene McDermott, Johnno Ryan, Satrupa Kagel, John Kane, Adair Ferdon, Dan Kuehn, Kim Kirschenfeld, Martha Ingalls, Tessa Bielecki, David Denny, Natalie Goldberg, Andrew Harvey, Caroline Myss, Rameshwar Das, Ram Dass, Sri Siddhi Ma, Richard Rohr, Stephen and Ondrea Levine, Trudy Goodman, Sharon Salzberg, Pema Chödrön, Sean Murphy, Tania Casselle, John Nichols, Bob Thompson, Nancy Laupheimer, Vishu Magee, Karen Pettit, Annapurna Sydell, Azima Melita Kolin, Joanne Cacciatore, Larry Schreiber, Larry Sargent, Ted Wiard, Janet Schreiber, Kelly Notaras, Haven Iverson, Marilyn Pranno, Marie Rubie, Tot Tatarsky, Clive Bridges, and the Kenney family.
Profound gratitude to my agent and friend, Sarah Jane Freymann, who has carried my story like a treasure since we first met, not long after Jenny’s death, and made sure that it was shared at last. Thank you, Tami Simon, for recognizing the power of the human condition and encouraging me to tell my version of it. I am grateful that Amy Rost was my editor, because she is wise and precise and affirming and lovely. Thanks to my whole team at Sounds True, who are not simply a company, but a beloved sangha.
To my family, my endless and bottomless thanks: Jenny’s grandma, Susanna, and her companion, John; Jenny’s grandpa, Ramón; Jenny’s aunt, Amy; Jenny’s uncle, Roy; Jenny’s sisters, Daniela and Kali; Jenny’s cousins, Nick and Ian; Jenny’s niece and nephews, Jacob, Bree, and Niko; Jenny’s stepsisters, Ganga and Yamuna, and their children, Metztli, Sol, and Naya. And may the memory of my father, Ian, and my brother, Matty, be a blessing always.
Finally, with overflowing gratefulness, I acknowledge Jenny’s stepfather, Ganga Das Jeff Little, who married me in the midst of my deepest sorrow, and whose love leads me home.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mirabai Starr writes creative nonfiction and contemporary translations of sacred literature. She teaches, speaks, and leads retreats internationally on the mystics, contemplative practice, and interspiritual dialogue. A certified bereavement counselor, Mirabai helps mourners harness the transformational power of loss. She has received critical acclaim for her revolutionary new translations of Dark Night of the Soul, by sixteenth-century Spanish mystic Saint John of the Cross, The Interior Castle and The Book of My Life, by Saint Teresa of Avila, and The Showings of Julian of Norwich. She is author of the six-volume Sounds True series Contemplations, Prayers, and Living Wisdom. Her poetry collection, Mother of God Similar to Fire, is a collaboration with iconographer William Hart McNichols. God of Love: A Guide to the Heart of Judaism, Christianity and Islam—winner of the New Mexico/Arizona Book Award for Religion and the Nautilus Gold Award in Western Spirituality, and named one of the Best Spiritual Books of 2012 by Spirituality & Practice—positions Mirabai at the forefront of the emerging interspiritual movement. She lives with her extended family in the mountains of northern New Mexico.
ALSO BY MIRABAI STARR
Saint Francis of Assisi: Brother of Creation
Saint Teresa of Avila: Passionate Mystic
The Showings of Julian of Norwich: A New Translation
God of Love: A Guide to the Heart of Judaism, Christianity and Islam
Mother of God Similar to Fire
(with William Hart McNichols)
Saint John of the Cross
Our Lady of Guadalupe
Teresa of Avila: The Book of My Life
(translator)
Saint Michael the Archangel
Hildegard of Bingen
The Interior Castle
(new translation and introduction)
Dark Night of the Soul
(new translation and introduction)
ABOUT SOUNDS TRUE
Sounds True is a multimedia publisher whose mission is to inspire and support personal transformation and spiritual awakening. Founded in 1985 and located in Boulder, Colorado, we work with many of the leading spiritual teachers, thinkers, healers, and visionary artists of our time. We strive with every title to preserve the essential “living wisdom” of the author or artist. It is our goal to create products that not only provide information to a reader or listener, but that also embody the quality of a wisdom transmission.
For those seeking genuine transformation, Sounds True is your trusted partner. At SoundsTrue.com you will find a wealth of free resources to support your journey, including exclusive weekly audio interviews, free downloads, interactive learning tools, and other special savings on all our titles.
To learn more, please visit SoundsTrue.com/freegifts or call us toll free at 800-333-9185.
PRAISE FOR CARAVAN OF NO DESPAIR
“From the moment I began Mirabai’s personal story, I could not put it down. Though every word is the truth, her journey to becoming the brilliant mystic and writer she is today is as compelling and gritty as a great piece of fiction. I honor her for sharing her life so openly and so honestly. This is a magnificent mind-body-soul trek that really does lead to God.”
CAROLINE MYSS
author of Anatomy of the Spirit and Sacred Contracts
“This is a wonderful and extremely moving book, by far the best memoir of loss and rebirth that I have read. Mirabai Starr has given us—in the plainest and most raw and pure form—the essence of what it means to transmute extreme suffering into new life.”
ANDREW HARVEY
author of The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism
“Mirabai Starr’s Caravan of No Despair is a heartbreaking, raw, vulnerable, and beautifully poignant memoir. And yet it’s so much more than that. This book inspired me—as I believe it will anyone who reads it—to go deeper into my own broken pieces while cultivating greater fearlessness and compassion for myself and others in the process. This is one of the most heartfelt and truth-inspiring books I’ve ever read. Thank you, Mirabai, for this gift.”
CHRIS GROSSO
author of Indie Spiritualist: A No Bullshit Exploration of Spirituality and Everything Mind: What I’ve Learned About Hard Knocks, Spiritual Awakening, and the Mind-Blowing Truth of It All
“Mirabai Starr is a wonder. Nearly unique in her heart’s cradling of so many saints and adepts in her previous dozen highly regarded biographies, now, thankfully, she shares a biography of her own heart and the transitions, losses and insights, darkness and light, that so evidently brought it all to the surface. A deep bow for her generosity sharing her climb up the loose rungs of Jacob’s Ladder.”
STEPHEN LEVINE
(Who Dies, One Year to Live, and Kuan Yin)
& ONDREA LEVINE
(The Healing I Took Birth For)
“Caravan of No Despair is a stunning memoir from author, poet, and teacher Mirabai Starr that portrays her blossoming into a modern day mystic. But when her young daughter Jenny tragically dies on the day of publication of Mirabai’s first book, Dark Night of the Soul, everything she has learned about spirituality fails her. As Mirabai goes through her own dark night, she brings us deeply into her mystical surrender to grief. We transform with her as pain becomes healing. Mirabai has given us a precious compass to navigate the waters of loss with grace. Bravo!”
ANNIE KAGAN
bestselling author of The Afterlife of Billy Fingers: How My Bad-Boy Brother Proved to Me There’s Life After Death
“Caravan of No Despair has all the force and radiance of the story it tells. Mirabai Starr describes the loss of a child with unrelenting heart. Then, just as you feel that you will be lost with her in the searing pain, her grief opens a gate through which love and beauty pour out in streams of light. Beautifully written. How rare to find the words to describe such depths of being.”
PAULA D’ARCY
author of Gift of the Red Bird and Waking Up To This Day
“Of the many—I think too many—who accept the name of spiritual teacher these days, Mirabai Starr is one of the few I personally know whom I would trust with a beloved daughter or son if I had one. And to me that is saying a lot. I don’t think she can lift the Sun from her purse—from her heart—whenever she wants and place it into another’s pocket (as a great saint could), but I feel God trusts her, and that many can benefit from reading this book and personally spending time with her.”
DANIEL LADINSKY
bestselling Penguin author and poet
“So deep and real. Thank you, Mirabai Starr, for letting us share your journey through the darkness of despair into the open sky of love.”
KRISHNA DAS
bestselling chant artist and author of Chants of a Lifetime
“It’s more of a roller coaster than a caravan, so get ready: Mirabai Starr’s gorgeous new book will leave you reeling. It’s not just the dizzying ascents and the terrifying freefalls, although both are in plentiful supply, it’s the extraordinary framework she provides as a seer, a seeker, and a pilgrim on the holiest of paths.”
LARA SANTORO
award-winning author of Mercy and The Boy
“A life-giving story with strong narrative drive and humor thrown in at exquisite moments. Fine, detailed writing. A clear-eyed journey through the grief of loss and of youth snatched away too early. Starr has created a beautiful, inspirational telling of a life that speaks to us all.”
NATALIE GOLDBERG
author of The True Secret of Writing
“Love is a fire. Grief is a bellows that fans it to white-hot intensity. When that fire burns out, what’s left may be ashes and desolation. Or it may be the distilled incandescence of a soul.
Mirabai Starr lives that inferno of grief and emerges annealed to a new alloy of spirit. She draws water from a well of love and compassion to temper the blazing sword of wisdom. She brings that wisdom—from saints like Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila and Neem Karoli Baba—into immediate experience. Through her we see how one may barely begin to bear the unbearable.
Mirabai’s memoir is poetry of the spirit, of a mother’s loss, and of the renewal of a heart’s connection beyond the body. She doesn’t paper over despair; she comes to terms with it. Caravan of No Despair is a rainbow tapestry of spiritual teachings from Christian mystics, Sufi poets, Buddhist monks, and Hindu gurus. Such teachings don’t end; they just keep on beginning.”
RAMESHWAR DAS
coauthor of Be Love Now and Polishing the Mirror (with Ram Dass)
“Like all great memoirs, Caravan of No Despair is a one-of-a-kind story sung in a melody that touches every soul. Mirabai’s journey carries us through Rumi’s heart of paradox, from unspeakable pain to sublime blessings, at once profoundly human and ecstatically transcendent.”
PHILIP GOLDBERG
author of American Veda: From Emerson and the Beatles to Yoga and Meditation—How Indian Spirituality Changed the West
“By turns heartbreaking, lyrical, humorous, and poignant, this caravan carries not a hint of despair. Calling all mystics and seekers to get on board!”
SEAN MURPHY
author of One Bird, One Stone: 108 Contemporary Zen Stories and The Time of New Weather
“Caravan of No Despair is a shimmering offering from a heart that’s been broken open by life and death. The holiness that tears through these pages doesn’t come from a mountaintop, lofty ideas, or a meditation cushion, but instead from revealing the almost unbearable joy and pain of being wholly human. Baring her all, Mirabai gifts us with a darkly luminous love story and we are forever changed as a result.”
SERA BEAK
author of Red Hot and Holy: A Heretic’s Love Story
“This book, a little miracle, arose out of Starr’s recognition that grief, if experienced to the fullest, might open the soul up to something very, very holy. Her breathtaking story filled me with courage and joy I didn’t know I had. This book will forever change the way we think not only about dying but about being alive.”
DEMETRIA MARTINEZ
author of Mother Tongue
“What a beautiful, heart-rending, white-knuckle, courageous, and shamelessly transparent piece of work—a tribute to a fierce lioness of motherlove! I can see where Mirabai’s beautiful spiritual gifts emerge from.”
CYNTHIA BOURGEAULT
author of Love is Stronger Than Death
“Caravan of No Despair is wrenching, yet filled with bright light. Mirabai Starr offers her open heart with honesty, bravery, and the intermittent waves of pain and elation that are true even in grief.”
RAMONA AUSUBEL
author of No One is Here Except All of Us and A Guide to Being Born
“She promised that she’d one day write her story. And she did so with a passion and honesty that moves the reader from agony to joy, from curiosity to confusion, and from fear to triumph. Mirabai Starr’s Caravan of No Despair is the mesmerizing and compelling story that invites the reader through her intimate journey with life and death, love and loss. The story is rich with detail, the characters deeply connecting, and the tragedies many, matched only by the hermetic spiritual tutelage that such human suffering offers. This book is a gift for the heart, the mind, and the soul of anyone seeking to awaken from this dream called life.”
JOANNE CACCIATORE
founder of MISS Foundation and Center for Loss and Trauma
“Mirabai Starr has written a compellingly moving and heartfelt memoir of profound loss and spiritual transformation. As an inter-spiritual bridge-builder and translator of the great mystics, Mirabai brings unique and profound insights to her life’s journey, including her counterculture childhood and her daughter’s life and tragic death. A deeply revealing book that transcends pain to become an inspiration.”
DAVID FRENETTE
author of The Path of Centering Prayer
“An absorbing story of love and loss, Caravan of No Despair brings the depth of a mother’s grief and healing fully to life. Mirabai’s open heart and growing wisdom shine through the telling of her own story.”
SHARON SALZBERG
author of Real Happiness
Sounds True
Boulder, CO 80306
© 2015 Mirabai Starr
SOUNDS TRUE is a trademark of Sounds True, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author and publisher.
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Cover design by Jennifer Miles
Book design by Beth Skelley
Printed in the United States of America
The translation
of the inscription on Rumi’s shrine is © by Coleman Barks.
It is reprinted with his permission.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Starr, Mirabai.
Caravan of no despair : a memoir of loss and transformation / Mirabai Starr.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-62203-413-0
1. Starr, Mirabai.2. Spiritual biography.3. Mysticism.I. Title.
BL73.S83A3 2015
204.092—dc23
[B]
2015006737
Ebook ISBN 978-1-62203-455-0
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