“What’re you doing here?” I asked, eyeing him warily. “It’s your day off.”
“When were you going to tell me you’re banging my wife?” he asked, leaning over my desk, with his weight resting on his closed fists.
“You got it all wrong, man. Kendra and I are just friends.” My conscience called me a liar when I thought about the kisses we’d shared. I’d never kissed a friend like that.
“You’re lying.” His jaw was tense, his knuckles white, and I prepared for him to strike. “How could you do this? I thought we were friends.”
“How could I do this?” I said quietly. “You did this. You were the one who cheated on her, who treated her like shit. If you want to blame someone, start with the man in the mirror.”
“You don’t know how hard it was,” he said, pushing off the desk as he started pacing the room. “Trying to be perfect all the goddamn time. Nothing was ever good enough for her. No matter what I did, she wanted more.” He sneered. “Even in the sack.”
I wanted to wipe that smug smile off his face, to warn him not to talk about Kendra that way, but I knew the situation would only escalate if I did. Had we been anywhere else, I wouldn’t have hesitated, but this was our place of business and I was still the boss. So I had to be the bigger man.
“And you obviously can’t give it to her.” I wanted to add that he’d never been man enough for her, but I knew that would start a riot, so I merely added, “So just let her go.”
“So you can have her? Like hell I will.”
It didn’t sit well that we were talking about Kendra like she was some trophy to be won. I knew she had a mind of her own and free will. She could choose which one of us she wanted to be with, and according to her, there was no contest.
I knew it was time to come clean, to diffuse the situation and try to reason with him. “You think I wanted this to happen?” I asked, sighing. “Believe me, developing feelings for your wife was the last thing I wanted.”
“Then you admit you’re into her?” he asked, his voice an octave higher than usual.
“We haven’t crossed that line,” I said, knowing we had crossed other lines, and feeling guilty about it. “But I’m not going to pretend I don’t care about her. I do.”
“She’s my wife. The mother of my child. How could you do this and call yourself my friend?”
I’d never counted Jason among my closest friends, but he was right, it was an unspoken rule men didn’t… or shouldn’t break. “What do you want me to tell you? The more time we spent together, as friends and neighbors, the more I liked her.”
“I knew when I found out she was moving in next door to you that this would happen. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve wanted what I have.”
I searched for the truth in that statement and it didn’t take me long to find it. Sub-consciously I think I had been envious of Jason’s beautiful wife and daughter. I’d even told him he was a lucky bastard a time or two, after a few beers, when I knew I had to go home to an empty house.
He’d complained when his wife blew up his phone, demanding to know when he’d be home because they had a sick little girl crying for her daddy. And he’d told me the pressures of family life were getting to him, that he didn’t know if he was cut out for it.
“You created this situation,” I reminded him, trying to shift the heat from myself back to him. “If you’d kept it in your pants, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“So you think because I made one goddamn mistake that gives you the right to move in and try to steal my family?”
Is that what I was doing, trying to steal his family? I thought about the moments I’d shared with Char. Last week, running along beside her bike while she tried to get her balance on her first two-wheeler. Reading her a bedtime story. Watching an animated movie between her and her mom. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was trying to replace him and I hated what that said about me.
“You can’t even deny it, can you?” he asked, the disbelief ringing in my ears. After a beat of silence, he said, “Well you’re not going to get away with it. I can promise you that.”
***
I coasted into Ryker’s driveway that night, cutting my engine as I stared up at the home he’d built for his family. After my argument with Jason, I didn’t feel like going home, so I texted Ryker to find out if he was alone. He was. His wife, Mac, was still at her bakery and his teenage sons were out with friends.
I needed advice. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life, falling for another man’s wife.
Taking a deep breath as I took the stairs, I tried to rehearse what I wanted to say, but there were no words. I wasn’t proud of the way I was feeling, the things I was contemplating. Maybe that told me all I needed to know about whether I could pursue a relationship with Kendra.
Ryker met me at the door before I could knock. “I heard you pull up. You look like you could use this,” he said, handing me a beer.
“Thanks,” I muttered, tipping it back before I even crossed the threshold.
Ryker waited until we were settled in the family room before he said, “Talk to me. What’s going on with you?”
“It’s Kendra.”
“I figured as much,” he said, waiting for me to continue. When I couldn’t, he added, “Something’s obviously happened and you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to talk about it. So…?”
“We’re getting closer.” I worked on my beer, wondering how much I should tell him. I wasn’t one to kiss and tell, but I knew I had to tell Ryker how tempted I was to take it past kissing if I expected him to understand my torment.
“And that’s a problem?”
“Jason came to see me today,” I said, as though that should explain everything. “I should say he came to confront me about my relationship with his wife.”
“She’s his wife in name only,” Ryker said, rolling his eyes. “We all know that. And we know why they’re apart, so don’t let him make you feel guilty.”
“But I do feel guilty. How can I not?” I blew out a breath, tipping my head back as I set the half-empty beer down beside me. “I know I’m not the reason they’re not together. Jason’s infidelity caused their split. But what if I am part of the reason she hasn’t gone back?” I looked at my brother, battling my shame. “What if I’m the reason a little girl doesn’t get to kiss her daddy good night? How am I supposed to live with that, Ryker?”
He looked at me a long time, as though he were trying to translate a foreign language. “Why do you keep throwing up roadblocks?”
This was sounding too familiar. All of my brothers thought I sabotaged myself when it came to relationships. Hell, maybe they were right. “That’s not what I’m doing. But I need to make a decision I can live with. I don’t want to feel guilty for the rest of my life because—”
“Jason couldn’t keep it in his pants? Or because Kendra fell out of love with her husband? That’s not on you, man. It was over long before you and Kendra hooked up.”
I winced at his choice of words. “We haven’t hooked up. It’s not like that.”
“Because you don’t want her?”
“Don’t be an ass,” I said, swiping a hand over my face. “You think I’d be here if I didn’t want her?”
“Then she doesn’t want you.”
“She does.” I knew Ryker was just messing me, trying to make me realize that I was an idiot for trying to deny the obvious. “And maybe if there was just the two of us to consider, I wouldn’t be analyzing this to death. But I don’t want to do anything to hurt Char. She’s been through enough already.”
“Don’t you think it’s up to her parents to protect her?”
I came to Ryker because he was the voice of reason in our family. He always made us see things the way there were, not the way we wanted them to be. “Well, yeah but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
“Do you think Jason was thinking about how his decisions would affect his daughter when he
messed around on her mom?”
I knew which head Jason was thinking with when he cheated on Kendra. “I doubt it.”
“If I can tell you one thing about being a parent,” Ryker said, sighing, “it’s that sometimes you wind up hurting your kids, whether you mean to or not. When me and Mac split, it was hard on the kids, but that didn’t stop Mac from asking me to move out. You think the fact that she did that made her less of a mom?”
“No, I think you guys were just going through a rough patch. You had to work it out.”
“Bottom line is we loved each other enough to work it out,” Ryker said, eyeing me. “We didn’t give up on our marriage. Kendra has. What does that tell you?”
“That she doesn’t love him anymore.” Logically I knew that was true, but I couldn’t shake the feeling she might have tried harder had she not been spending so much time with me. “I know. I get that.”
“You can’t force love any more than you can stop loving someone just because they’re bad for you. Look at Mom and Dad, for example,” Ryker said, shifting to face me. “He might have been the worst thing that ever happened to her, but that didn’t stop her from loving him.”
I’d never understood how a woman as beautiful and sweet and smart as our mother could have fallen for a deadbeat like our old man. Granted, he’d worked hard to change his ways in recent years, but he’d been ten times worse than Jason when we were growing up.
“You know what she told me before she died?”
We didn’t often talk about those grueling days before Mom finally left us. We preferred to remember her happy and vital, not sick and frail. “No. What?”
“She told me when you finally fall in love, that person becomes a part of you and letting them go is like losing a limb. The thought of it is excruciating, even though it’s for the best sometimes.”
I thought about how I would feel if I never saw Kendra again. The mere thought of it made my stomach clench, making me question whether I’d already passed the point of no return.
“It would have been better for all of us if Mom let him go,” Ryker said. “We all know that. But she didn’t and that was her call, not ours.”
“You’re saying it’s up to Kendra whether she wants to end her marriage, and I should just respect that she’s already made her decision even though Jason hasn’t signed the papers yet?” It made sense, but something prevented me taking the next step.
“I’ve talked to her about this,” Ryker said, folding his hands over his flat stomach. “So has Mac. She’s not doing this because of you, so don’t flatter yourself.”
I smirked, appreciating that my brothers had no problem taking me down a notch when warranted.
“She’s doing this for herself and for Char. No one loves that little girl more than she does. I don’t have to tell you that. Believe me, she’s considered this from all angles. She’s imagined how the divorce will affect Char and how it would affect her if they stayed together, even though they’re not in love anymore.”
“You’re right.” I leaned forward, wondering why I hadn’t been able to see it before. Leaving Jason was the best thing for Kendra, and in the long run, it would be the best thing for their daughter because they would both be happier apart than together.
“Thanks, man,” I said, standing. “I appreciate you letting me bend your ear about this.”
“Anytime,” Ryker said, walking me to the door. “Can I assume you’re going home to tell that gorgeous woman you’re sorry it took you so damn long to catch up?”
“Yeah, I think it’s about time I did,” I said, wondering what her reaction would be.
“About time,” Ryker laughed, slapping me on the back. “Give her our love.”
I wanted to give her my love, if only she’d take it.
Chapter Eight
Kendra
When I showed up on my parents’ doorstep to collect Char, they took pity on me, seeing the exhaustion I usually tried to hide so they wouldn’t worry. But after a long shift and draining conversation with Jason, I could have collapsed on their front porch.
I protested when they invited Char to spend the night, but I was clearly outvoted when Char started begging. I kissed them all, thanking my mother as she shoved a veal sandwich wrapped in foil in my hands and sent me home to sink into a bubble bath and get a good night’s sleep.
I was on the verge of sleep when my doorbell rang half an hour later. I groaned, thinking company was the last thing I needed or wanted. I was already wearing my sweats and favorite fuzzy slippers, curled up in front of the TV with a throw and a glass of wine, but when my unwelcome visitor rang the buzzer a second time, I trudged to the door.
Gabe smirked, propping a hand on the doorframe as his exuberant puppy danced at his feet. “Bad time?”
I wanted to tell him it was always a good time to see him, but I held back. He already knew how I felt about him. I refused to be the only one with the courage to put myself out there. “No, come in.” I bent to pet the dog, who yipped with excitement before dancing in a circle.
“I hope you don’t mind that I brought my sidekick. He was lonely.” He stepped closer, crowding me against the wall. “We both were.”
“Oh.” I tilted my head back, feeling a little breathless when his body brushed against mine.
“I’ve been thinking about you. A lot.”
“Me too.”
I was trying to make sense of what he was saying, but my heart was thrumming in my ears, making it difficult to comprehend anything. I’d laid awake nights thinking about this: Gabe showing up on my doorstep, taking me in his arms, kissing me, telling me he was tired of fighting it, that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.
“Is Char sleeping?” he whispered, trailing his lips along my neck.
“No.”
I curled my hands around his powerful shoulders, barely resisting the urge to wrap my legs around his waist. It had been a long time since I’d been intimate with a man, and this man was the one I feared I’d never have, so my body was humming with anticipation and excitement.
“She’s not?” he asked, his head coming up, a frown creasing his forehead as he glanced down the hall. “Where is she?”
“Spending the night with my parents.” My chest was rising and falling and my cheeks felt flushed as he threaded his hands through mine, raising them above my head.
“Really?” he asked with that sexy grin that made it feel like dozens of butterflies had suddenly invaded my stomach. “Could I get any luckier?”
“Maybe,” I said, mirroring his smile. “If you play your cards right.”
“Hmm, I like that,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
His kiss was slow and deep, making my body come alive after a two-year slumber. “And I like that,” I said, licking my lips. I wanted more, but I knew Gabe wasn’t the kind of guy who would risk our friendship by taking me to bed without a conversation, so I pointed to the family room. “I was just having a glass of wine and getting caught up on the Bachelor. Would you like to join me?”
He smiled at my choice of programming, but nodded. “Sure.”
When we were settled in on the sofa, glasses in hand, he touched my wrist before I could take a sip of the chilled Chardonnay.
“Here’s to the freedom to explore…”
When he touched his glass to mine, I was dying to know what he meant by that. Was he hoping Jason would grant the divorce so we would be free to explore a relationship? Or was he implying that he now felt free to explore this thing between us, with or without the divorce? Did he want us to explore each other’s bodies… tonight?
“I can practically see the wheels turning in that pretty little head of yours,” he said, tapping an index finger against my temple. “You must be wondering why I’m here, why all of a sudden I’m coming on to you.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” I asked, raising a shoulder. “I wasn’t sure.”
He chuckled, raking a hand through his short, dark hair. “If you’re not s
ure, then I must be out of practice.” His hand curled around my knee before his light blue eyes met mine. “It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling with this.”
I held my breath, waiting for him to tell me that he was tired of stressing about it and ready to let go and enjoy it.
“I guess all my life I’ve been trying not to be the kind of man my father was. Every time I was faced with a choice, I asked myself what he would have done and I tried to do the opposite.”
I’d met his father at a family gathering last month, and while he seemed like a great guy, I knew that hadn’t always been the case. His abhorrent behavior during their childhood had clearly affected each of his sons in different ways, making commitment difficult for them.
“Sleeping with another man’s wife, even if they were separated, seems like something the old man would have done back in the day, so I told myself it wasn’t an option for me.”
“I get where you’re coming from, Gabe. I do.”
It was because he was honorable that I cared so much about him. He was antithesis of Jason and that contrast appealed to me. I wasn’t interested in repeating the same mistakes I’d made before. I’d learned my lesson the hard way and was ready to fall for a man I could trust, not one who would let me down again. I believed Gabe was that guy, the one I could count on.
“But tonight, Ryker reminded me that I don’t get to make this decision for you. It’s your marriage, your decision, and Jason was ultimately the one who set the wheels for this whole thing in motion. Had it not been for his affair, you might still be with him, right?”
“Wrong.” I smiled in the face of his surprise, giving him a minute to process my claim. “I couldn’t have stayed with a man I didn’t love anymore, even if he hadn’t cheated on me. I deserve better. So does Jason. So does Char.”
My heart clenched when I thought of my sweet little girl, so hurt and confused by all the upheaval in her life. “I want her to have a mommy who’s happy, who loves life and the person she’s sharing it with. I want her to know it’s okay to go it alone too, that women are strong enough to survive on their own should that be her choice someday.”
Gabe (Steele Brothers #6) Page 8