“Which is why she deserved a hell of a lot better than you,” I said, curling my hand into a fist, wondering if it was such a good idea for me to be alone with him in my current state of mind.
“She sure did.” He nodded slowly, as though he were trapped in his own bad memories. “But I’ll tell you one thing, I wouldn’t be the man I am today if I hadn’t had the love of a woman like her. If I could say one thing to her,” he said, raising a shaky finger, “Just one thing, I would say thank you.”
“Why?”
“Because if she hadn’t been so wonderful, I might not have felt so terrible about the way I’d treated her. If I hadn’t loved her so much, I might never have gotten the help I needed. It was the memories of our fights that got me through the dark days of sobriety, Gabe. When things were the hardest and I wanted to crawl back inside that bottle.”
“I don’t understand.” Nor was I sure I wanted to. He was trying to paint a picture of a man I didn’t know, one who’d fought hard to win his life back. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to know that man. It would humanize the person I’d always demonized.
“Some of the things I said to her…” His look was one of pure self-disgust as he snarled, “They were vile. Probably hurt more than if I’d used my fists.”
I swallowed back tears and rage, hating that my sweet mother had ever been subjected to his wrath.
“And for that, you have every reason to hate me.”
After a beat of silence, I knew I had the voice the one question that could change everything. “Do you hate yourself…? For the things you did to her? To us?”
He took a deep breath before staring out the window above the sink. I followed his gaze, noting the tree’s leaves blowing gently in the breeze. Reminding us of life, when all I could think about was my mother’s death.
“I did, for a long time,” he finally answered. “I was so ashamed of myself. That’s why I crawled inside that damn bottle and never wanted to come out. The shame was so bad I couldn’t see a way out of it.”
“But you sought forgiveness?” Brody told me he’d found a church that took him in, people who believed in him. But not a single one of them knew him the way I did. They didn’t know the man he’d been then, the one who tried to quash his dying wife’s spirit.
“You probably don’t think I deserve it.” He twisted the narrow gold band around on his finger. “Gabe, if these last twenty years have taught me anything, it’s that life and death are as inevitable as hard times. But it’s the laughter in between that gets you through. It’s the new memories that eventually banish the ugly, old ones. If you let them.”
“Are you saying you allowed the memories you made with Tanner and Beck to erase the years of hell you put us through?”
“No.” He shook his head, his expression somber. “Because I was there for all of their important moments, it only made me ache for everything I missed with you guys even more. The baseball games, teaching you to drive, school concerts, graduations…”
I swallowed, thinking I would have given anything just to have one parent there for most of those things. I had all of my brothers there and I was grateful for that, but I suspected there was nothing quite like a father’s pride in his son.
“They’re good men,” I said, thinking of the brothers I’d come to know and love. “I know that’s partially because of you.”
“You’re all good men too,” he said, his blue eyes, so much like each and every one of ours, shining with unshed tears. “In spite of me. And I am so very sorry for that.” He hung his head, his broad shoulders shaking with the weight of his tears. “You and Nex were just babies when you lost your mama. I should have been there for you.”
I stared at him, trying to sort out my feelings. I’d come here filled with rage. The same rage I’d been living with and trying to suppress for most of my life. He wasn’t an old man yet, but he was closing in on it. If I didn’t make my peace with him now, I may not get the chance.
“Maybe we can have some kind of relationship now,” I said quietly, wondering if I was proposing the impossible. My brothers had managed it, to varying degrees, but I wasn’t them. I had my own issues with Jack.
“I would give anything if we could,” he said, reaching into his pocket for a rag. He wiped his eyes and sniffled, looking embarrassed by his moment of weakness.
I had a feeling men like Jack had been raised to believe showing emotion was a punishable sin. And maybe, to some degree, I believed that too. If I wasn’t so cowardly, I would have opened up to Kendra by now.
“I don’t know how we’d even start,” I said, linking my hands on the tabletop.
“Well,” Jack said, with a gusty sigh, “it’s too much to hope that we might be friends right off the bat. How about friendly acquaintances?”
“I think I could do that.” It would be a vast improvement over the way I’d felt about him leading up to this meeting.
“I have a feeling you came here for a reason. I mean, you decided now was the right time to dredge all this up because…?”
“Kendra and I are getting closer.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful. “She seems like a nice girl.”
“She is.” I was grateful he didn’t ask me about the divorce. I couldn’t stand to think about Jason now.
“And that daughter of hers is a real sweetheart.” He smiled. “The kind that could steal your heart real quick.”
“She already has,” I admitted. “I’m crazy about her. And her mom.”
“But you’re holding back. Why?”
I swallowed, wondering if my emotional walls were as obvious to everyone as they were to him. Maybe he saw them because he’d had some experience letting his own walls crumble. “I’m worried that I’m going to hurt her.”
“Ah, I know all about that. When I met Sandra, I told her to stay as far away from me as she could get. I was scared to death I’d do to her what I did to your mama.”
It was probably good advice he’d given Sandra, yet she hadn’t taken it. “It’s not that I think I’m a bad guy,” I said, trying to make sense of my own warped perceptions. “I’m not. I always try to do the right thing. When a building goes up in flames, I’m always the first one to rush in, intent on saving lives, even at the expense of my own if it comes to that.”
“That’s heroic, no doubt about it.”
“I don’t want to be a goddamn hero,” I said, the anger re-surfacing. “I just want to be a whole man, one who can love a woman without all this fear twisting my gut.”
Jack looked hesitant, but gripped my shoulder. “I don’t know that there’s a man alive who doesn’t feel like his insides are being ripped out when he realizes he’s falling in love, son. I mean, even those guys who were raised by Ward Cleaver types are probably scared shitless at the prospect of being with one woman for the rest of their lives.”
I had to admit it made me feel marginally better to think I wasn’t the only one messed up. Everyone was… to varying degrees. “I just can’t stand the thought of disappointing her.”
“So don’t.” He shrugged. “Take it from a man who’s made just about every mistake you can make—it’s a choice. You have free will. You get to decide how things play out with Kendra. You treat her right, she won’t go anywhere.”
I wanted to believe it could be that simple, but I’d seen the fallout when relationships fell apart. “What about the things that are beyond my control?”
“Sure,” Jack said. “There are things that could take her away from you or you from her. Accidents, illness…” He let me process those possibilities before he asked, “But don’t you think she’d be taking a bigger risk than you would be?”
Since I worked at a small fire hall, I still went out on almost every call with my team. I doubt I would have accepted the position if it meant sitting behind a desk all day. I craved time in the field, doing what I did best.
“I guess so.”
“And do you think it scares her, knowing if she gets involved
with you, she could lose you?”
“She was—is married to a fire fighter. She knows there are inherent risks that go with the job.”
“I guess she’s just a mighty brave lady then. Knowing the risks and still willing to take a chance.”
I smirked, his message coming through loud and clear. “You’re saying Kendra’s a hell of a lot braver than me, huh?”
“What would you say? That’s what really matters.”
I pushed my chair back, knowing that I’d gotten what I came for. I’d pulled into the drive thinking I was looking for retribution. What I realized I needed instead, for the first time in my life, was to bend my father’s ear. To get his advice.
“Thanks,” I said, offering my hand. “For listening.”
“Anytime.” He smiled like I’d just handed him a winning lottery ticket. “Anytime at all, son.”
***
I was knocking on Kendra’s door when Lizzie wandered out on her porch. “You can knock all you want. She won’t answer.”
I turned to face my friend, knowing she was probably going to let me have it for being a dumbass. “I know what you’re going to say,” I said, raising my hands in supplication. “And you’re right, okay? I need to quit waffling and just let Kendra know that I’m all in.”
“I agree,” she said, crossing her own patch of grass to Kendra’s. She ascended the steps, sitting down on the porch swing. “So what took you so long to get your head out of your ass, anyway?”
I laughed, swiping a hand over my face. “Come on, give me a break, Liz. This falling in love thing is some scary shit.”
A hesitant smile tipped her lips before she said, “I guess it is at that.”
Inclining my head towards the door, I asked, “Where is she?”
“She had some training thing out of town. She’ll be gone for four days.”
Why the hell hadn’t she told me she was going out of town?
“It was a last-minute thing,” Lizzie explained, obviously reading my confusion. “She’d been on a waiting list for this seminar and someone pulled out at the last minute.”
“Is Char with her parents or Jason?”
“Her parents, of course,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Tell me something. How’d you ever get to be friends with a guy like that? You two seem so different.”
I leaned against the freshly painted white pillar, crossing my arms. “When you do what we do, putting your lives on the line every day, your differences don’t mean much. You have to trust that your team’s got your back no matter what. At the end of the day, we’ve all got the same goal: to get out alive.”
“I guess I never thought about it like that,” she said, shaking her head.
“But I’m not gonna lie. This thing between me and Kendra might make it tough for me and Jason to work together. It would suck because he’s good at what he does, but I might have to see about getting him transferred.” I couldn’t afford to have someone on my team whose head wasn’t in the game, or who would rather see me dead than have my back in a crisis.
“Sounds like that might be the best thing for everyone,” Lizzie said, tucking her hands under her denim-clad thighs.
“Where are your kids?”
“They had a play date,” she explained, checking her watch. “They should be home soon.”
“How’re things going with you and your boss?” From everything I’d heard about Mike, he was a solid guy, and if anyone deserved a good man in her life, it was Lizzie.
Her smile spread, lighting up her pretty face. “I don’t want to jinx it, but I think it has the potential to get serious.”
“I’m happy for you. You deserve this.”
“So do you, you know.” She looked up at me, her expression pensive. “You and Kendra both do. I’d hate to see you screw it up, or worse yet, hurt her.”
I didn’t blame Lizzie for the not-so-subtle warning. Given my track record, me letting Kendra down must seem like a no-brainer. “I don’t intend to hurt her.” I was surprised I was able to say that now with conviction when just a few short hours ago I’d been doubting everything.
“I’m glad to hear that. But according to Kendra, you were having some second, third, and fourth thoughts about you two.”
“Ah, so she talked to you about us before she left town, huh?”
“She was upset,” Lizzie admitted. “She needed to vent a little.”
“Upset or angry?”
“A bit of both. But can you blame her? She’s known you’re the man she wants for a long time now. When it finally seemed like you two were on the same page, you checked out on her again.”
“I never checked out.”
“Oh really, then how would you describe it?” she asked, pushing the swing with the tips of her painted toes.
“I was taking a step back, trying to make sure this was the right thing for both of us.”
“You know your problem?” she said, pointing at me.
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me,” I said, tongue-in-cheek.
“You overthink everything. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and trust that everything will work out for the best.”
“Uh yeah,” I said, pushing off the post. “I’m not very good at that. I’m more of a planner.”
“Well you need to get good at it if you want this thing with Kendra to work. She’s already been through one bad marriage. I know she’s not going to be ready to jump into anything serious soon. Even if you were. What she needs is a little fun and spontaneity in her life. A man who can show her a good time.”
I pondered that before I got an idea. “You wouldn’t happen to know where she’s staying, would you?”
“Of course, I do.” She jumped up, pulling her phone from her pocket. “She always fills me in on her plans, just in case I need her while she’s gone.” Her fingers flew over her screen before my phone dinged with an incoming message. “There you go. You’re all set.”
“Not quite,” I said, looking over my shoulder. Poncho was probably waiting for me by the door.
“Don’t worry about him,” Lizzie said, laughing. “We’ll take good care of him.”
“Are you sure?” I hated to take advantage, but I really needed to see Kendra before she had time to realize that I was the stupidest bastard alive.
“Sure I’m sure. The kids would love to have him. So would I. You think taking a few days off work will be a problem?”
“Are you kidding?” I asked, kissing Lizzie’s cheek. “They’re always begging me to take some vacation time, so I don’t have to roll it over to next year.”
“In that case, what are you still doing here? Get your ass home and pack, boy.”
After saluting her, I ran down the stairs thinking I was going to call the florist as soon as I hopped in the truck and have the biggest bouquet of flowers they had in the store delivered to Lizzie.
Chapter Eleven
Kendra
It was late and I was tired by the time I rolled into the hotel, but the promise of a soft bed kept me putting one foot in front of the other.
“Hi.”
I whirled around at the sound of Gabe’s sexy voice, certain my mind was playing tricks on me, hearing what it wanted to hear. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?”
He laughed, shaking his head at my reaction. “Is that any way to greet the guy who flew all this way to be with you?”
That explained how he beat me here. I drove the nine hours while he flew. “I still don’t understand—”
“Why don’t we check in and I’ll explain everything,” he said, gesturing to the front desk. “I was worried they were going to charge me with loitering, I’ve been waiting here so damn long.” He reached for my suitcase while brushing his lips across mine. “I didn’t want to leave, even to grab a coffee, in case I missed you.”
My head was still spinning, trying to make sense of this. “Did Lizzie tell you where to find me?”
“Yeah.” He walked toward the desk, giving the
clerk my name while sliding his credit card across the desk.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, grabbing his arm. “I’ve got this. It’s a business expense.”
When the clerk stepped away to process his credit card, he leaned in whispering in my ear, “You may be here on business, but I plan to make sure there’s a whole lot of pleasure mixed in there too.”
My body trembled at his sensual promise, but I couldn’t deny I was still annoyed and confused. Last time we talked, I thought he was going to give up on us. So what made him decide to show up here and surprise me, like nothing ever happened?
I stood in stunned silence while he checked us in, accepting two keys cards from the flirtatious young desk clerk before rolling my bag and his to the elevator, with me trailing behind.
He chuckled when we finally stepped on to the elevator. Releasing the suitcases, he backed me against the mirrored wall, his hands closing around my face. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I gripped his powerful biceps, reminding myself I’d fallen under his spell before and had the tear-stained pillow to prove it. I’d woken up this morning with swollen eyes, to a daughter asking me why I looked so sad. So if Gabe thought I was going to just fall back into bed with him, he was crazy.
“Can you blame me? You just show up here… after our talk last night. Why?”
The elevator dinged and he retrieved our bags, giving me little choice but to follow.
When we were safely inside the room, he sat on the end of the queen bed, looking down at his laced hands. “I’m here because I realize I made a mistake last night.”
I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. My traitorous body was already doing backflips at the thought of another chance with him, but my heart was much more cautious, reminding me we didn’t need him to be happy. Except I feared maybe we did.
He looked up at me, his striking blue eyes pleading for understanding, and reducing my resolve to jelly. “I know I suck at relationships, Kendra. And you need a man who can get it right. Someone you and Char can depend on.”
The fact that he included my daughter weakened another chink in my emotional armour. “I don’t need the perfect partner.” I pulled out the desk chair, positioning it in front of him so we were eye-to-eye. “Though you seem to think I do. I’m not asking for a man who never makes mistakes. Lord knows I make my fair share.” And then some.
Gabe (Steele Brothers #6) Page 11