by J Battle
‘What can I do for Sir?’ His little faced glowed in anticipation of the delightful tasks he would be pleased to perform for me.
‘Do you book double-squirts?’
‘Of course, Sir. In fact, I’m pleased to say that I am the only member of staff at my level who has the skills to perform such a function.’
A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.
‘Where would you like to go, Sir?’ I swear he was rubbing his hands together.
‘I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m looking for someone who double-squirted a few weeks ago.’
‘I’m afraid I cannot divulge information about other clients; privilege, you know.’
‘Perhaps if I explain my purpose more clearly,’ I said, flicking open the top of my wrist-top. ‘Here is my ID. As you can see, I represent the Money! Money! Money! Lottery company, and I am searching for a lottery winner who passed through here sometime ago. We’ve tried to track him down on JD, which is where he was supposed to be going, but we have so far been unsuccessful. It appears that he double-squirted back to Earth and then onto an unknown planet.’
‘That is fascinating, but I’m not sure I can do anything to help.’
I leant closer.
‘Let me be honest with you Mr...?’
‘Marks; Spencer Marks.’
‘Let me be honest with you, Spencer. This was a record win for our company, and the deadline for claiming is nearly here. If we don’t track this winner down very quickly, he’ll lose his money, and we won’t have the fabulous publicity we’d get from the presentation.’ Sometimes I even impress myself.
I could see a light in his eyes.
‘If I was able to offer some... guidance, would there be a benefit to me; personally?’
I had him; I probably had him at ‘lottery’.
‘There would certainly be a finder’s fee from the company, and I’d be very surprised if the grateful winner didn’t stump up a considerable reward.’
‘What’s the name of this lucky gentleman?’
‘Now, here I’m afraid I have my own privacy issues. Until the gentleman has signed a disclosure form, we are not allowed to give out his name. It’s a nuisance really, but we have to follow the rules.’
I didn’t know what name Masters would have used, and I didn’t want to display my ignorance.
‘Check for double-squirts between the 17th and the 25th of last month. I don’t suppose there will be many.’
He waved his hands in front of his computer screen, manipulating his virtual keyboard.
‘Twenty-one.’
‘And how many included JD?’
He smiled. ‘Just the one.’ He spun his display around for my perusal.
‘Where’s Greenhaven? And what’s it got that JD doesn't have?’
‘Greenery?’ He shrugged.
‘Right, thanks so much for your help. Your customer service skills really are second to none. Zap me your contact details and, as soon as I track him down, you’ll get your fee.’
‘You’re very welcome, Sir. Be sure to have a very nice day, and I look forward to hearing from you.’
‘That’s a cert,’ I called as I rushed towards the squirt facility’s exit. All this lying; I know I’ll hate myself in the morning, but a boy’s got to do what a boy’s got to do.
As I slung my leg over the saddle of my bike, I hoped that the information I’ve gleaned would be enough to satisfy Dart and get him to release Julie.
I arrived back at the office just as Julie got there. There was a considerable amount of hugging; relieved, amazed, thankful and, in the end, embarrassed.
I was so pleased to have her back that I didn’t even ask her to make a coffee.
I would have gone home to my bed that evening in fairly good spirits if the call from Dart hadn’t come through.
‘What have you found out?’ No ‘hello, how are you doing?’ I don’t suppose he has many friends.
‘He’s on Greenhaven.’
‘Greenhaven?’
‘Yes. So, that about finishes it for me. You can leave me and my sister alone. Just transfer my money over when you get it back from Masters.’
‘Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? If we can’t track him down, I may need to be in touch again.’
‘I don’t think so. Any further contact, with me or my sister, and I’ll contact the Law and Order AI.’
‘Threats, eh? What about your mum, then? I could send one of my men to visit her, to ensure your co-operation.’
‘You’re welcome to try that, Dart. But just make sure that he’s well insured. Hospital bills are so expensive nowadays.’
‘You're going to beat him up? Hardly seems your style.’
‘I’m not talking about me; 1‘m talking about my mother.’
Chapter 33 - Then the coffee
(We’re well past half-way now and it occurs to me to wonder how I should finish the book. Not how the story itself will pan out; I have no control over that; I’m just the narrative facilitator after all. I can, however, say whether Phil emerges covered in glory or awash with ignominy. So, what do you think? Vote A for glory or vote B for ignominy. Be sure to vote before the deadline, or your vote may not be counted, but you may still be charged. I‘m going for B. N.F.)
When I walked into the office on the morning following that day of excitement, I was literally stunned. On my desk was my special mug; and it was steaming. I walked closer. It smelled like coffee; it looked like coffee; but how could it be coffee? Had the coffee machine suddenly developed squirt capability? Was it able to deliver hot beverages anywhere in the Milky Way? Were we approaching a time when you could get your caffeine fix squirted straight to your stomach? Or was there a more mundane explanation?
‘Hi Philly.’ Far too bright for the hour, and she was carrying a bag that could contain Danish pastries.
‘Did you…’ I nodded towards the apparition on my desk.
‘It is how you like it, isn’t it?’
I smiled and took a slurp. It was exactly how I liked it. I wondered how she knew.
'Any sign of Sam?' I asked as I sniffed at the pastry bag.
‘I think he was going home for a change of underwear. I hope he was going home for change of underwear.'
I was enjoying the second pastry when, surprise, surprise, there was a knock on the outer door. I was thinking about having it removed; people keep knocking on it, and it never ends well. Then I forgot about the door when I saw Julie’s reaction. She dived for her handbag and pulled out probably the biggest gun I’ve ever seen. She held it in both hands, because one just wouldn’t do, and dropped to one knee.
‘What are you doing?’ I whispered.
I’m sure I heard her say ‘they’ll never take me alive.’ I must have been mistaken; surely.
I got all big brotherly and said, ‘put it away; I’ll deal with this.’
I strode manfully to the door and only weakened at the last moment.
‘Who is it?’ I asked in a voice that quite frankly embarrassed me.
‘Mrs. Masters,’ came the reply in such a confident voice that I was embarrassed all over again.
‘Come in, come in,’ I gushed as I pulled open the door. I think she was a little put off by my smile, but she came in anyway.
Julie had put away her arsenal and welcomed her into my office.
‘I didn’t realise we had an appointment. Did you call?’ I asked as I indicated the chair she was already half sitting in.
‘No, we didn’t have an appointment, and I didn’t call. I prefer to be lied to face to face.’
‘Lied to? Why would I lie to you?’
‘You’ll probably start any minute now.’
‘I assure you that I have no intention of lying to you at any time.’
‘There you go; I knew it wouldn’t take long.’
I may have been a little flustered them because I can’t think what I might have said next.
‘Let me make it easy for you.’ She brushed her long red
hair to one side and allowed the tip of her tongue to show. ‘I didn’t get your bill.’
‘Sorry?’
‘I didn’t get your bill. Strange has been back for a couple of days and you still haven’t billed me. An operation like this is, I’m sure, very much hand to mouth. So I started wondering, why hasn’t he sent me his final bill? Has he won the lottery? Has he got a recently deceased rich favourite uncle? Or is the case not quite complete?’
‘Or did he just forget? Because things have been a little busy round here lately.’
She smiled then, and I really had no idea how I was supposed to take it.
‘I prefer my explanation,’ she breathed, ‘and so does Strange. He’s outside; shall I bring him in?’
‘There’s no need for that. So, what do you think I know?’ I was desperately trying to work out what would happen if I told her what I knew. I was sure that it would entail travel and company; and I really didn’t want that. But, could I lie to her with her built-in lie detector?
‘I think you know what happened to my husband.’
‘I think he was murdered and then it was made to look as if he’d been attacked by ar-furs.’ It sounded reasonable to me.
She didn’t move for a while; it seemed a long time to me.
When her computations were completed, she did that smile again. I wished she would stop.
‘He’s alive, isn’t he? You think he’s alive. No, you know he’s alive. That’s it, Phil, isn’t it?’
I sat stone still; determined to neither confirm nor deny her suggestion.
‘Tell me, Phil. Or do you want to tell Strange? He’s been outside for quite a while now. He’s bound to be annoyed; he doesn’t like to wait.’
‘Your husband is alive; and I know where he is.’ There, I’d gone and told her, and, you know, I felt so much better for getting it off my chest. At some stage very soon, I was going have to be equally as frank with Mrs. Johnson.
'If that is the case, you can go and fetch him, can't you?'
How did I know that would be her response?
I really wanted to be firm then, and say no, but, for such a little word, it can be quite hard to say. Whilst I struggled not to say yes, she smiled and nodded. It seems that silence means yes these days; who'd have guessed?
She nodded quietly to herself for a moment longer, then she stood. She did something then with her head which resulted in her long red locks flicking over her shoulder, and she looked at me sort of side on.
‘When this is all over, you should come and visit me, Phil.’ She was whispering, yet the words rang in my head.
She was not what you’d call pretty-pretty, but there was something about her confidence and style that roused the old beast in me. Still, she’d be waiting a long time for a visit from me; that very confidence would certainly cause me some performance issues.
‘Strange will be up shortly,’ she said as she left.
Suddenly the old beast wasn’t quite so rampant.
Chapter 34 - Then the squeeze
(The heavy grey clouds scattered their blessings across the verdant valley as he strode up the steep incline. With his jewelled sword at his side and his multi-facetted buckler across his back, he felt ready for anything that the Gridlings could throw at him. Whatever the cost to himself, he would protect the peaceful folk of The Hidden Valley. As a Pixie Prince, it was no more than his duty and the rules of Honour brooked no weakness on his part.
At the head of the valley, he paused, wondering if he would ever witness this glorious scene again.
Then he smiled a grim little smile and whistled for his white steed....
See; now that's proper writing. Read more at www.pixiesaregreat .univ.com. NF)
‘Thanks for agreeing to meet me.’
‘Your message didn’t leave me much choice.’
Masters sighed.
‘Your son does you credit. He’s a fine young man, though he can be a little cheeky.’
‘Alan usually says what’s on his mind, and he doesn’t like this business.’
‘This ‘business’ is going to make us all very rich; I can promise you that.’
‘We don’t need to be any richer. The fee you paid will cover us for a long time yet.’
‘There’s no such thing as enough money, Jack. You have a son and a young daughter; there are always unforeseen expenses. You want to set them up for life, don’t you?’
‘The land will suffice, Mr. Masters. They really don’t need anymore.’
They’d walked back into the Squirtport’s main concourse and were continuing towards the coffee shop. Masters draped one arm over the smaller man’s shoulders. He squeezed; just a little.
‘Let me make things very clear to you, Jack. I wouldn’t want you to be under any sort of misapprehension about the choices that are open to you. Here, take a seat; I’ll get the coffees.’
At the bar, the barista was ready with the first of his seven questions; only to be thwarted by Masters’ request.
‘Two coffees, Son. Black and strong, with milk and sugar on the side. And I don’t want anything special done to the coffee. I don’t want to know where the beans come from, or how they were blended, and if I want anything to go with my drink, I’ll ask for it.’
‘Yes, sir.’ He sprang into action.
With the coffees served in record time, Masters carried them to the table.
‘OK, Jack. Let me explain the situation to you, in terms you’ll understand. We negotiated a great deal between us, and you are now quite rich. I have a number of interested parties who want to buy the product from me at a price I am very happy with. So, everything’s good, you might think. But you should realise that these people are businessmen. They don’t want a one off deal, no matter how lucrative. It would just give them a spike in earnings that they would have to try to match next year. If they fail to do that; they’ll look bad to their investors, and you can see that that would not be good business practice, can’t you.’
‘But that’s…’
Masters held up one hand.
‘Don’t say it, Jack. Don’t even think it. This is your business; it became your business the moment you took the money from me. So, we have to work between us to find a way to keep those investors happy.’
He sat back in his chair and slurped his coffee.
‘So, what do you think? Any bright ideas? Any solution you can think of that doesn’t entail a continuous supply of gil-juice from you to me to them? I’d be glad to hear it if you do, Jack. I don’t want to play the bad guy. You might not think it to look at me but I really am a sensitive soul. Which is why, when I am obliged by circumstances beyond my control to inflict pain and suffering on people who are being deliberately obtuse, it hurts me too.’
‘We had a one off deal, Masters. I’m going to say thanks for the coffee and walk back to my truck and get the hell out of here.’
‘Very well said, Jack. I believe you, but you haven’t moved yet, have you? Is the coffee so good that you can’t bear to leave it behind? Or are you waiting for me to make my threats, to stop you leaving? Is your objection just good form, or do you really mean it?'
There was a long a pause when nothing actually happened.
‘OK,' continued Masters. 'I’m not going to make obvious threats; let me just say, you have a very pretty daughter, and a brave son. Let’s work together to ensure they stay safe. That’s all I’m going to say at this point.‘
He knocked the last of his coffee back, and pursed his lips.
‘Why can’t they make a good simple, straightforward coffee in these places? It’s all they do; make coffee; you think it wouldn’t be too much to expect.'
He looked down at Jack and smiled.
‘Now, I’m going to give you a little time to reflect on your situation, and maybe develop your own workarounds. I’ll see you again when I’m next on Greenhaven, which will be in a couple of days, and then we can discuss delivery schedules and terms. When we have everything set up, you won’t
have to soil yourself in meeting me again, unless something goes wrong. And you should be very careful to ensure that does not happen.’
He lifted himself out of his chair and nodded.
‘See you soon.’
He resisted the temptation to whistle as he left the coffee shop.
He knew he had the guy, but it was bad form to show it.
Jack stared into his cold, black coffee, wondering how he was going to tell Alan.
Chapter 35 - Now I know a little too much
We were there again, at Manchester’s Squirtport. This time it appeared that we were queuing up to join a queue. No-one knew what the delay was, but then, you never do, do you?
Strange was dressed in his usual dark tight suit, with a tie and sharp shiny shoes.
‘Isn’t it hot where we’re going?’ I asked, standing beside him in my jeans and T-shirt.
In answer, he removed his sunglasses from his top pocket and put them on. Problem solved; apparently.
In my shoulder bag, I had the highest factor sun-cream I could get and the emergency pack Julie told me to get. It seemed at bit of an over-kill to me; I wasn’t going to be anywhere that was at all dangerous, was I? I’d make certain of that. At the first hint of danger; well, that was what Strange was for.
‘Can we get something to eat?’ Sometimes Strange makes me feel like a child. Strike that; he always makes me feel that way.
He sighed and checked his timepiece.
We bought a couple of burgers with all the trimmings, and jumbo sized bad coffees and settled ourselves down cosily at a corner table. It was already occupied as we approached, but something made the two guys finish up abruptly and vacate the table before we reached them. Strange has that effect on people.
‘How did you get into this line of work?’ I had to say something; we were sharing a meal and that’s what people do.
‘What line of work is that?’ That’s what I thought he said. He was talking through a very big chunk of beef, so it was hard to be certain.
I shrugged and nibbled at my food.