“Another list!” she cried. “Then what? We wait some more and maybe have another baby jerked away again?”
Kira shook her head. She couldn’t keep doing this to herself. Every time she began to hope, it was ripped away. And Trace. This had been their last chance.
“No, I’m not doing it anymore. I can’t, Trace.”
“Okay, we stop for now.”
“No, I’ve stopped for good.” Kira raised her gaze to his. There was pain in his beautiful gray eyes. It hurt her to know she couldn’t be what he needed. It was time to stop it. “Your dream doesn’t have to end, Trace. You can still have children.”
He frowned. “What are you trying to say?”
She couldn’t lose her nerve now. It was killing her to send him away, but better now than later when they ended up hating each other. She had to do what was best for Trace and the legacy he wanted to leave.
She straightened and wiped away her tears. “You can have the family you want, just not with me.”
“I don’t want a family unless it’s with you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t keep doing this.” She glanced away from his confused look. “And I can’t keep putting you through this, either.”
“You’re not putting me through anything I don’t want to do. I agreed to the adoption.”
She straightened, fighting tears. “Well, I’m through.” She stared at him. “Our original deal was for six months. We didn’t get a baby, so you’re off the hook.”
“Off the hook?” He looked as if she’d struck him. “That’s all you think of our marriage? That I came back because of the baby?”
She managed a nod, praying to stay strong. This was for the best.
Trace turned and walked out.
It was over.
With no desire to sleep, Trace took out his frustration by working through the night. By morning he had worked up a good anger as he continued his labor, mucking out stalls, repairing fence. He headed over to the foreman’s cottage to see what needed to be done. Anything to keep him from thinking. Thinking about what he was about to lose. Everything.
He heard the sound of pounding in the foreman’s cottage and wandered over to find Cal busy at work on repairs.
Trace maneuvered through the boxes stacked in the small living room to find his foreman in the kitchen putting down new subflooring. He was surprised how much Cal had gotten done since yesterday.
“You’re not wasting any time.”
“Jody needs a place.” Cal stood and pushed his hat back. “Since you’ve pulled an all-nighter, I take it things aren’t good between you and Kira.”
“We’re not going to get the baby,” Trace said.
He frowned. “So you left?”
“Sometimes we’re not given a choice.”
“And you’re just going to give up?”
He hated to keep beating his head against the wall. “She’s not fighting for me, either.”
Cal sighed. “Marriage isn’t a contest, Trace. It’s hard work. Kira is hurting. She probably said things she didn’t really mean.”
“What are you, a marriage counselor?”
“No, but I’ve been there, dammit. I messed up big time. I walked away without fighting. It cost me my wife and my daughter.”
“You have a daughter?” Trace asked.
“She’s not mine anymore. I gave her up and I let my ex-wife’s new husband adopt her. She’d be about Jody’s age.”
Trace watched Cal swallow hard.
“I regret it every day. Hell, Trace, I’d crawl back if I could have my family again, but I was too damn bullheaded to see anything beyond my pride.”
Suddenly Cal glanced toward the doorway and saw Jody standing there in her jeans and T-shirt.
The teenager smiled shyly. “I’m sorry to bother you.” She looked at Trace. “There was a phone call and I heard the voice on the recorder. It sounded important, and Kira isn’t around. Here’s the man’s name and number.” She handed him a piece of paper, then looked back at Cal. “I hate to ask, but do you think you could take me to work?”
“Sure. What time?”
“In two hours.”
He nodded. “Just come and get me when you’re ready.”
After Jody left, Trace looked at the note paper to see the name of Greg Carlson from the Teacher’s Credit Union. Trace pulled out his phone and punched in the number.
It rang twice then was answered, “This is Greg Carlson.”
“Hello, Mr. Carlson, this is Trace McKane. You left me a message.”
“Yes, Mr. McKane. We wanted to let you and Mrs. McKane know that your loan has been approved. Since this is a joint loan, I need you to come in and sign some papers before we cut a check for Jarrett McKane.”
Trace wasn’t sure how to react. Kira had applied for a loan? To pay Jarrett? “Could you just put a hold on the paperwork until I talk to my wife?”
There was a pause. “That’s not a problem. We can hold it for forty-eight hours.”
“Thank you, Mr. Carlson.” He flipped his phone closed. “Dammit, why did she do that?”
“Do what?” Cal asked.
“Kira got a loan to pay off Jarrett.”
Cal raised an eyebrow and folded his arms over his chest. “Okay, now, tell me she doesn’t care about the ranch. And you.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE next morning, Trace went to his brother’s office downtown. There weren’t any pleasantries or announcements as he bypassed the blond secretary and walked through the door. He found Jarrett on the phone.
The young woman ran after him. “Sir, you can’t go in there.”
His brother hung up the phone and stood. “It’s okay, Sarah. I’ve been expecting him.”
The blonde backed out and shut the door. “Well, it’s about time you showed up,” Jarrett said.
“I wanted the satisfaction of telling you, you’re not taking my land. I was just with Frank Rhodes and signed a contract with EnRockies. You’ll have your check for the land in plenty of time before the due date.”
Jarrett shrugged. “You can’t blame a guy for trying.”
“Why, Jarrett? Do you hate me so much that you want to destroy me?”
“Hell, I don’t hate you. I saw an opportunity and took it.” Then his shoulders sagged as he leaned a hip on the desk. “The real estate market is a mess. I had to do something to save my business.”
“If you’d let me know about EnRockies’ offer from the first, maybe we could have worked together.”
In his younger years, Trace had always looked up to his big brother. He was popular and a talented athlete in school. Trace had been shy and uncomfortable around girls. But Jarrett never had time for him. As adults, it had become a competition.
“Honestly, I didn’t think you’d go for it.”
“But you never asked. We’re supposed to be family, Jarrett.”
His brother didn’t say anything as he studied him. “Did Kira talk you into signing on for this deal?”
The question hit a nerve. He’d never gotten the chance to talk to her. “She’s with me on this. We’re adamant about keeping the land. EnRockies’ lease seems to be the best way to assure it. Now that section of land is mine free and clear.”
Jarrett smiled. “You’re married, bro, nothing is completely all yours, and since you’re having a kid, you’re going to need all the extra money you can get.”
Sadness shook Trace. That dream was long gone. “There isn’t going to be a baby.”
His brother’s smile faded. “Sorry to hear that. What happened?”
Trace found he was angry. “The biological mother is going to keep it.” And Kira doesn’t have any need for me any longer, he added silently.
“Okay. What’s your next move?”
Trace didn’t want to share his private business. “I don’t have any.” He suddenly felt defeated. “Kira’s pretty upset.”
“Which is understandable,” Jarrett told him. “But there are other o
ptions out there.”
It was strange talking to his brother about this. “Not when this baby was the main reason we’ve been together. Now that’s gone.”
Jarrett shook his head. “Nothing is gone until you let Kira leave. Come on, Trace, I know you’re brighter than that.” He smiled. “You managed to steal her away from me.”
“Hell, I can’t make her stay.”
“Then give her a good reason not to leave,” he began as he folded his arms over his chest. “Have you told her how much you love her, and that you can’t live without her?”
Trace straightened. “What is this, Romance 101? I’ve tried.”
“Seems to me a woman who goes out on a limb to get help so her husband can keep his ranch isn’t a woman who doesn’t care.”
“Have you been talking to Kira?”
“No, but the credit union called about the balance on the loan. Like I said, a woman doesn’t risk her future if she’s leaving.”
“That was before we lost the baby.”
“So she just turns off her feelings for you?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
Trace felt sad. “What about the baby? I can’t fix that.”
“No one expects you to, but hold on to her until you get another shot at it. You’re going to have the financial means to pursue other avenues, too.” He walked around the desk, sorted through his Rolodex and pulled out a business card. “When you’re ready, give this fertility specialist a call.”
Trace shook his head. “No, Jarrett. I can’t handle this again.”
Jarrett paused with a frown. “You can’t handle it? What about Kira? Think what she’s going through right now. And she doesn’t have any family to turn to.”
Trace started to speak, but knew it was true. Even he’d walked out on Kira. It had been her who’d come to him, begging him to move back to give her a chance at a baby. To give them a chance.
Even after he learned about the child she’d given up years ago, he felt hurt she hadn’t shared it with him earlier. A revelation hit him. All along, he’d been the one who never gave her a reason to trust him. Maybe she felt she couldn’t count on him to stand by her. And when she needed him the most, he’d run out on her. Again.
He glanced at his brother. “I need to get home.”
Jarrett smiled. “Give Kira my love.”
Trace headed for the door, praying it wasn’t too late to do just that.
“You’re not leaving town, or Trace,” Michelle said.
That same morning, Kira paced her friend’s apartment. “It’s the only way. People won’t understand why we broke up and I can’t answer all the questions. It’s the only chance for Trace to start over.” She brushed a tear off her cheek. “He can find someone. Someone who can give him a family.”
“What about you?” Michelle asked. “You deserve a life, too, Kira. A man who loves you. And don’t try to say that man isn’t Trace.”
She recalled yesterday when she was so upset about losing the baby. He’d left her. “He walked out.”
“Maybe because you didn’t give him a chance.”
Kira swung around to deny it and suddenly a wave of dizziness hit her. She reached for the back of the chair to steady herself.
Michelle rushed to her side. “You okay?”
Kira sank into the chair feeling a wave of nausea. “It’s probably because I haven’t eaten today.”
“Great. Like you can stand to lose any more weight.” Her friend walked into the small kitchen and took out some yogurt. “Eat.”
Kira caught the aroma of the fruit flavor and her stomach roiled in rebellion. She barely made it across the room and into the bathroom before she lost what little food was in her.
With a groan, Kira leaned against the counter. Michelle handed her a cool washcloth. “Could this be more than lack of food?”
“Stomach flu. I haven’t felt good for a few days.”
Michelle gave her some mouthwash, then helped her to the sofa. “How many days?”
“Two or three, I guess.”
“What are your other symptoms?”
“I haven’t had any energy. Upset stomach, but a lot has been going on…with the baby and all.”
Michelle’s eyes widened. “And Trace has been staying in the guestroom since moving back?”
Kira felt herself blush. “Mostly.”
“Okay, you better give me some more symptoms.”
It suddenly dawned on Kira what she was asking. “No, it’s not that, could never be that. The doctor said it would be close to a miracle.”
“I’m Catholic. We believe in miracles. My mother and I have had you on our novena list for the past year.” She shrugged. “So why not? Are your breasts tender? When was your last period?”
Kira refused to answer, because she refused to hope. “It’s too crazy to think about.”
“It’s not crazy.”
She shook her head. She couldn’t even hope.
“There’s only one way to find out.” Michelle grabbed her purse off the entry table. “I’m going to the drugstore.” Before she could stop her, her friend was gone out the door.
Kira didn’t want to take a pregnancy test. She’d taken dozens over the past few years and they’d all come back negative. She didn’t need that today.
Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. Thinking Michelle forgot her key, Kira got up and opened the door to find Trace.
“What are you doing here?”
Trace hadn’t expected Kira to greet him with open arms, but he’d hoped for a warmer greeting. “I’ve been trying to find you.” He walked in. “We need to talk.”
“We’ve said everything, Trace. I’ll be out of the house in a few days.”
“I don’t want you to move out. I want us to stay together.”
She walked across the room. “For how long, Trace?” Tears flooded her eyes. “Until the next time I try to get involved in your life?”
“Can’t we go back to the house and talk this out?”
She shook her head, fighting tears. “No, it’s better this way. I’ll come back another day when you’re not around and move the rest of my things. And I don’t want any part of the ranch. It was never mine.”
“Yes, it is. The ranch is yours, too. You’re my wife, Kira. I was wrong not to include you in all decisions concerning the operation.”
He could only watch as she fought her emotions. “No, I don’t want any part of the McKane Ranch. So just please go, Trace.” She pointed toward the door and, as if by magic, it opened and Michelle walked in.
“I got you the last test at the drugstore.” Kira’s friend pulled a box from the bag. She froze when she glanced up to see they weren’t alone. “Oh, Trace.”
“Michelle.” His gaze went to the box. He’d seen the same pregnancy test in their bathroom cabinet back when they’d been trying for a baby. He swallowed the sudden dryness in his throat as he glanced at Kira. Pregnant? Could she be pregnant?
“It’s the stomach flu,” she assured him unconvincingly.
“But you don’t know for sure.”
She didn’t answer.
He went to her and took her by the arm. “We’re going home.” As they headed for the door, he grabbed the pregnancy test from Michelle.
“Good luck,” she called to them.
Trace knew if he was going to have a chance to repair things between them, it was going to take a lot more than luck. He had to convince Kira that he wasn’t going to give up on them. No matter what the test said.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THIRTY minutes later they arrived back at the ranch. Silently Trace led Kira through the house and upstairs to their bedroom, and into the connecting bath. Before she could argue, he set the test on the sink, then walked out, shutting the door behind him.
Kira relented and after the deed was done, she came out ready to give Trace a piece of her mind.” I don’t appreciate you railroading me into doing this. The test will only show what we both alre
ady know.” Her voice softened. “That I’m not pregnant…once again.”
He got off the bed, but didn’t apologize. “How long for the results?”
“Five minutes.”
Kira released a breath and watched as he paced the room they’d shared over their five-year marriage. The memory of the night he’d learned her secret flashed into her head. The one night they’d made love and the times after that. Could they have made a baby? Could those nights in Trace’s arms have created a miracle? She shook away the thought, refusing to let herself hope.
She straightened. “You go look, I can’t go through the disappointment again.”
He studied her. “It could be different this time.”
“I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
“Why not? After your last procedure six months ago, the doctor said removing the scar tissue could possibly help you conceive.”
She sank against the dresser, trying to ignore the glimmer of hope. “Please, Trace, don’t. I can’t take seeing your disappointment again.”
He walked to her. “Is that what you think? That I brought you back here just to find out if there is a baby?”
She was unable to look him in the eye.
“I brought you here because I wanted us to talk in private. So I could apologize to you.”
“Why?”
“For walking out on you, especially yesterday.” He paced as if agitated. “You needed me, Kira, and I felt helpless to do or say the right thing. When you pushed me away I was hurt. And maybe you won’t believe this but I wanted the baby, too.”
He sighed. “I wanted her for us. All I thought about was that little girl, how she was going to be the start to our family…the next generation.” He forced a laugh. “I was looking forward to teaching her to ride, to rope and herd cows.” When he glanced back at Kira, there were tears in his eyes, too. “How selfish is that?”
“Oh, Trace, that’s not selfish. We all have dreams for our children.”
He nodded. “Of course, she might have wanted to be a ballerina,” he went on. “But none of that mattered, only that this baby would be ours.”
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