Amy felt sick. She was sure she was going to burst into tears at any moment as they lay there in the bed where they’d conceived Audrey, and where they’d just had steamy but loveless sex, which both of them seemed to be regretting already. He hadn’t kissed her once, just pulled down her pants, her jacket hanging off her shoulder.
“Fuck,” he whispered, suddenly angry. “Fuck!”
Amy stiffened next to him. She slowly turned her head away and swallowed the tears that threatened to fall. Her mouth was dry as she sat up stiffly. She didn’t want to meet his eyes, didn’t want to provoke an argument, but one look into her face would have shown him how violated she felt.
She scooted to the edge of the bed, zipped up her jacket and picked up her pants.
He sat up as well, which made her panic.
She slipped into her pants in a hurry and jumped to her feet.
He called her name, but Amy didn’t stop to look at him. She all but ran out of his room.
Chapter 12
When Amy woke up the next day, she felt as if she’d been hit by a truck, because she’d hardly slept at all. To avoid meeting Patrick at the dinner table, she’d feigned a headache the previous night and hidden in her room. After they’d had sex, she just couldn’t face him, least of all in the presence of his mom and Audrey. If she’d had a choice, she’d have stayed in her room all day today as well, but unfortunately, Audrey had her weekly appointment at the children’s hospital in Manhattan, which meant Amy would have to be around Patrick as they both went to the city with their daughter.
The thought of sitting next to him, talking to the doctor, and simultaneously worrying about yesterday, left her feeling desperate. He’d only slept with her to satisfy a sexual urge, while all she had wanted was to be close to him again, to feel him and kiss him.
That’s why her heart beat painfully in her chest as she entered the dining room. But she noticed, to her great relief, that Patrick wasn’t there. Instead, Eleanore was sitting next to Audrey, pouring her a glass of milk.
“Good morning, honey,” Eleanore greeted her daughter-in-law cheerfully. “Does your head feel any better this morning?”
Amy blushed at the lie she’d had to tell Eleanore so the woman wouldn’t know her son had had uninhibited sex with Amy. And while Eleanore had been with Audrey, helping her get dressed, to boot. “I feel much better, yes. Thank you, Eleanore.”
“Patrick wanted me to tell you he needed to go into town this morning. Something urgent in the office.”
“Oh.” Eleanore had probably expected her to be disappointed by the message, but Amy was secretly jubilant. “That’s okay. Audrey and I can go to the hospital alone. It’s not a problem.”
“Nonsense.” Her mother-in-law gave her an encouraging smile. “Patrick insists he wants to accompany you two. He wants you to drop by his office and pick him up so you can all go together.”
That part of the message spoiled Amy’s appetite completely.
A short while later, Amy was sitting in the back of the limousine beside an excited kid. Patrick had left the car and chauffeur for them to use, and during the drive, Audrey kept prattling on and grinning from ear to ear. She couldn’t wait to see where her daddy worked. Amy was a lot less enthusiastic.
Inside the gigantic office building that housed Patrick’s company, they were led through various security points by several extremely polite people. They stopped in front of a large elevator, which made Audrey stop and stare with her mouth open. And she didn’t know where to look first as they rode the glass elevator up to the top floor, subject to an ever-increasing view over the city.
There’d been quite a few changes to the space on the top floor, as Amy registered when they were led past an elegant reception desk. Even now, she could clearly recall what it had looked like when she’d been here all those years before. They were led down a corridor laid with beautiful parquet and finally brought into Patrick’s office.
His personal assistant was already expecting them, and she introduced herself to Amy in an almost subservient manner. Then she bent and cordially greeted Audrey, who was delighted. When the woman turned and walked to the giant double doors that opened into Patrick’s office, her heels clacked loudly on the polished floor.
Before she could reach the doors, however, they were opened from the inside, and Patrick appeared. His gaze roved around the room until it found Amy, fixing her with an inscrutable stare. Her stomach lurched, and she gritted her teeth, rooted to the spot on this shiny floor.
None of them moved or spoke, until he broke the spell. “I thought I heard someone come in!”
“Daddy!” Audrey flew into her father’s arms, and he picked her up happily. But he seemed reluctant to tear his eyes away from Amy.
“Hello, sweetie.” He pressed a kiss to Audrey’s cheek. “Have you and Mommy come to have a look at my office?”
Audrey giggled and began to tell him about the amazing elevator she had just ridden. Patrick played along, listening patiently with an astounded expression, as he held her in his arms and she described every detail of the ride. Amy couldn’t help but feel a burning love in her heart at the sight of them.
When Audrey’s prattle slowed, Patrick cleared his throat and turned to face Amy again. “Do you want to come in for a minute before we go?” he asked with a half smile.
She did not want to come in, no, but she could hardly say so, especially when Audrey nodded enthusiastically.
So Amy let him steer them into his office, her eyes roaming over all the renovations and changes that had been done since she was last here. And then her eyes snagged on the painting hanging on the left-hand wall.
Her mouth dropped open. It was professionally lit by a long, narrow lamp, and beautifully framed.
It was her painting.
Speechless, she stared for a long time, so it was no wonder that Audrey noticed. From her spot in her father’s arms, she declared, “That’s a pretty picture!”
“Oh, yes,” he agreed, giving Amy a sideways look. “Your mommy painted it.”
“Really?” Audrey seemed thrilled. “Mommy, I want a painting like that! I could hang it over my bed and look at it all the time.”
When Amy didn’t reply, Patrick chuckled gently. “I’m sure your mom will paint you one, too. Would you like to sit in my chair and swivel?”
“Yes, please!”
“Great. Then Mommy and I can talk.”
Amy’s heart skipped a beat, and she interlaced her hands in front of her body in slight panic. After what had happened yesterday, she was terrified of what he had to say.
He carried Audrey over to his chair and set her down. Then he led Amy over to the leather couch by the window. She felt nervous and self-conscious as she watched him pull up an armchair and sit very close, their knees almost touching. She felt ashamed at the heat in her cheeks, but, at the same time, she registered all manner of details of his face—a jumble of laugh lines around his eyes, his strong chin, the gorgeous lips and their slightly arrogant curve. Not to mention the smell of his aftershave.
“Did you get here alright?” he asked.
“Mm-hm,” she replied, staring at the coffee table in front of her to avoid looking into his eyes.
He seemed to hesitate for a beat. “Is Audrey nervous about her appointment?”
Amy shook her head but couldn’t bring herself to say that Audrey had promised her she would be a good girl, even if they had to draw blood.
His voice became even more tentative, almost shy. “Maybe we could go get pizza after we’re done at the hospital? If you want.”
Still not looking up, Amy nodded and interlaced her fingers again. “Audrey would like that.”
“Amy, about yesterday …” She wanted to jump up and flee, but he took her hand, effectively preventing her from acting on her urge. “Can we please talk about it, Amy?” he pleaded in an unnaturally high-pitched voice.
She swallowed, not knowing where to direct her unsteady gaze.
&nb
sp; “Why won’t you look me in the eye?” he asked softly.
Amy took a shaky breath and finally raised her eyes. She was sure they looked frantic and haunted. She shook her head in panic.
His face was filled with regret as he tilted his head and let out a deep sigh. But he didn’t let go of her hand. “I’m sorry—”
“Don’t say that,” she croaked.
His eyebrows scrunched together. “Why not?”
Her face felt numb as she gritted her teeth. “Just … don’t say you’re sorry,” she begged quietly.
“Jesus, Amy,” he said roughly, leaning forward and squeezing her hand. “I acted like a savage.” When she didn’t answer, he took a tense breath. “Please, say something.”
“I … feel embarrassed,” she whispered.
He sucked in air, incredulous. “You feel embarrassed?”
She turned her head away from him in dismay. “Don’t—”
“Amy—”
“Please, Patrick.” She swallowed and pulled her hand away. “I already feel kind of awful.”
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked, his beautiful eyes widening. “Was I too rough? Oh my God, are you in pain?”
She shook her head, but before she knew what was happening, he stood and walked away. He returned quickly with a glass of water, which he handed to her. She took it with trembling hands and sipped it gratefully as he sank back into the armchair.
Patrick caught her eye and licked his lips. “Listen, Amy, I know that only one of us was responsible for what happened yesterday—and that’s me. There’s no need for you to be embarrassed. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
She set the glass down. “But I am,” she whispered unhappily. “I feel terribly ashamed.”
“Of what?” he asked softly. “I didn’t give you much of a chance to back out, did I? I feel ashamed.” He sounded so gloomy, and he wrung his hands.
Amy wanted to say something, but the words got stuck in her throat. She stared at her hands numbly, wishing that everything was different. She wished she had never left him. She wished she wasn’t sitting next to him now, not knowing what to say. But most of all, she wished Audrey hadn’t only met her dad for the first time when she was already five years old.
“I’m sorry, Amy,” he interrupted her thoughts, taking her hands in his once again. “I’m really sorry. I hope I didn’t destroy everything.”
She shook her head, feeling choked up, and realized a tear was falling from the corner of her eye. He saw it too—his head jerked up.
“Good heavens!” he echoed his mother’s go-to exclamation. In a horrified whisper, he added, “I did hurt you, didn’t I?”
“No, no,” she assured him shakily. “You didn’t.”
His eyes darkened, and he murmured in a choked voice, “But I heard you—”
“Patrick,” she cut him off, her cheeks burning. She took a deep breath. “You … You didn’t hurt me, okay?”
“But I was rough with you.”
Amy swallowed and glanced at Audrey, who was still swiveling slowly in her daddy’s big office chair at the other end of the sprawling room. Amy lowered her voice. “You were angry. You didn’t want to sleep with me. I understand.”
“What on earth makes you think that?” Patrick demanded, incredulous.
She bit her lip. “You didn’t even kiss me,” she said despondently. “And you said something about your brother, and … and afterward, you cursed. It doesn’t take a genius to know what that means, Patrick. You regret it.”
“It means I’m an idiot, Amy,” Patrick said, stroking her knuckles, trying to soothe her trembling fingers. “But it doesn’t mean I didn’t want to sleep with you.”
She pulled her hands away and hugged herself. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Shit,” he muttered dejectedly. “You’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad,” she objected, sounding just as dejected.
He gave her a searching, insistent look. “Then tell me we can stil be friends and treat each other with kindness.”
“We can’t be friends,” Amy whispered unhappily. “I kept your daughter from you for five years. I’m so ashamed of what I did, Patrick. Seeing how much she loves you … and how much you love her …”
He furrowed his brow. “That’s not what I was talking about, Amy.”
“But it’s what tortures me.” Amy sat up straight and heaved a heavy breath. “These last few weeks, I can see how happy Audrey is to finally have her dad around. You’re so amazing with her, and you love her. It wasn’t right of me to banish you from her life, right from the start. I-I can hardly imagine how … how much you must hate me.”
Patrick didn’t say anything for a few moments. Finally, very softly, he asked, “Do we have to discuss this right now?”
“You have no idea how sorry I am about all of it,” she whispered quickly. “If I could …” Her voice snagged, because she knew she couldn’t turn back the clock.
“Amy,” he said sternly. “I don’t hate you. How could I, after you gave me this amazing child?”
Amy blinked. “What?”
“Please.” He looked at her pleadingly. “I don’t want to think about the past now, and I don’t want to be angry with you anymore. What is important is that Audrey has both of her parents now, and that she’s happy.”
Releasing a pent-up sob, Amy bit her lip. “But … But you have to be angry with me!”
He smiled weakly. “Nope. Ever since you and Audrey got to Connecticut, there’s been no space in my head for anger. I’m just grateful to have Audrey in my life. I don’t want to waste any more time being angry.”
Amy clamped her hand over her mouth, afraid she would burst into tears.
“Do you think we can be friends for Audrey’s sake?” he asked.
Amy slowly pulled her hand away. “Are you serious?” she asked, her voice hopeful.
Patrick nodded and took her hands in his again. “I promise I won’t say another word about the past. I won’t reproach you for anything that’s already done.”
Amy stared at him, stunned and infinitely grateful. She felt like a weight had been lifted from her heart. Her guilt had been eating away at her so painfully all this time.
“Could we maybe agree to make future decisions for Audrey together?” he asked.
She squeezed his hands. “Of course.”
The smile he gave her went straight to her heart.
She wished for nothing more than to be able to get along with him and, for Audrey’s sake, that they could really be friends at some point … but a voice in her head whispered insistently that it was impossible. Amy had loved Patrick for a long time. The main reason she had loved her baby so dearly right from the start had been because it was his child. Of course, she could try to ignore the feelings she had for him, try to convince herself all she felt was friendship and sympathy … but she was afraid she couldn’t fool even herself.
“Audrey?” Patrick raised his head and threw his daughter a mischievous glance. “Do you want to go for pizza after you’re done at the doctor’s?”
“Yes!” she squealed, still swiveling in the comfy chair.
“Are you dizzy yet?” Amy asked with mock sternness.
Patrick leaned closer with a conspiratorial air and murmured into her ear, “Don’t tell anyone, but I still enjoy doing that.”
“My lips are sealed,” she vowed, and he gave her a look that made her insides melt all over again.
Chapter 13
Patrick sat at his desk in his home office, looking at the photograph in his hands. He hadn’t looked at it in years. It had stood on the polished top for a few months, then he’d buried it in the lower drawer of his desk so he wouldn’t have to see it all the time. Looking at it then had depressed him. But today was a very special day, and for some reason, he’d dug the photo out. He’d been staring at it for several minutes already.
He leaned back in his armchair with a soft sigh, twisting his lips
into a wry smile, while inside, a storm was raging through him. Since the day Amy had had a panic attack in her brand-new car, all he’d felt was confusion. That had been several weeks ago now, and the tension had been mounting ever since. When she smiled, he automatically smiled in return, like a damn idiot. When she was excited about something, it excited him as well. And the moment she became dismayed or unhappy, he felt something break inside him.
And then there was a certain little girl who was celebrating her sixth birthday today. She also woke a yearning in him—the yearning for a family.
He wanted a real family, one where he could take his wife in his arms and kiss her whenever he wanted, where they could lie in bed together on Sunday mornings. The way it was now, he denied himself even the slightest touch and quickest glance, because he and Amy had agreed to be friends. But it wasn’t easy. He wanted to touch her and look at her all the time. And kiss her. After he they’d slept together, the urge was worse than before.
That had been four weeks ago, and since then, he’d dreamed about sleeping with her every single night. And kissing her. He knew exactly why he hadn’t kissed her then. He’d wanted to prove to himself that he was capable of having sex with her without feeling anything.
But that had been a spectacular failure.
The only thing their sexual encounter had proven was that he was falling for her again—hard. But he couldn’t bear the thought of her disappearing from his life again.
Not a second time.
Through the half-open windows, noise drifted up from the garden. To mark Audrey’s birthday, his mom had the splendid idea to throw a party, and she hadn’t stopped until she’d invited half of Connecticut and a quarter of Manhattan. Neither he nor Amy had been able to deter her from her plan, even after he’d taken her aside and warned her that the bustle might be too much.
Naturally, Barbara and Stuart would be there as well, though Patrick wasn’t exactly on speaking terms with either of them. He was still angry with them for the way they acted around Amy. If Audrey hadn’t been so excited about her party, Patrick would have taken her and Amy away and spent the day alone with them, somewhere by the ocean. The weather was nice enough for that.
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