by Jo Duchemin
It was getting dark by the time I got up from the swing. I felt cold to the very core of my bones; I wasn’t sure if that was because of the weather, or the dull ache inside my heart. I didn’t want to be stranded in the park after night fell, but I also didn’t want to go home and face up to the facts. Wearily, I trudged back to the bus stop. There was nobody else waiting there. The bus turned up within a few minutes and despite not wanting to go home, I was relieved to see its lights, knowing at least I would be out of the rain and warming up for a few minutes.
I tried to keep my mind blank on the way home. Thinking about what I’d discovered made me feel like crying all over again, for now I knew Marty had been right when he said he didn’t see a happy ending for us. I couldn’t see a happy ending now either. The rain grew heavier, as though the sky was crying the tears I was hiding. After leaving the bus, I ran back to the house, still ending up drenched by the time I arrived. I didn’t even have time to get my key in the lock before the front door opened and I saw Marty’s distraught face.
“Claudia, I was so worried.” Marty pulled me close, and even though I wanted to melt into his arms, I resisted the warmth of his embrace. “What’s wrong? Where have you been?” His concern shone through his words and a fresh wave of tears threatened to overwhelm me. I had to be blunt.
“I went to see the Browns. Molly and Derek.”
He didn’t reply, but his face said everything for him. It was his turn for the world to crash down. He, however, regained his composure instantaneously.
“Have you discovered something I couldn’t tell you? Do you want me to leave?”
I looked at him for a heartbeat. It was all I needed.
“No. I don’t want you to leave,” I whispered.
“Get in the house then, get on some dry clothes and let’s talk about this.”
He half carried me into the house. I felt sick with relief at seeing him and exhausted from crying, running and not eating. Once the front door was firmly shut, he carried me upstairs and ran a hot bath for me. I sat shivering on the floor of the bathroom. Marty didn’t talk, but he kept sighing.
“Have I upset you?” My voice was just a whisper above the noise of the bath filling.
“You? No, never. I’m upset with myself. Anything could have happened to you. I should have protected you from all of this. You know things you shouldn’t. And I’m to blame for all of this. I was going out of my mind worrying about you, I had no idea where you’d gone, or what had happened to you. I didn’t know what to do – I didn’t know where to start looking for you.” He turned off the bath taps and turned around to me. “Your bath is ready. Get yourself warmed up and I’ll get some food ready.” He left me alone.
I peeled off my wet clothes, leaving them slumped in a pile on the floor and slid into the warm water. My toes ached at the temperature change. I dunked my head fully into the bath, letting the foamy bubbles slide over my face, covering the outside world. After too little time, I ran out of breath and was forced back up to the surface, back to reality. I was slowly beginning to reach a comfortable temperature. My mum’s wedding ring, sitting daintily on my finger, glinted in the reflected light from the bubbles. I wondered what she would have done in my situation. Would she give up on the man she loved? Try to find an easier life? Or would she risk everything for love?
Reluctantly, I pulled myself out of the bath, not bothering to wash my hair. I grabbed the fluffy towels that Marty had left on the heated towel rail for me, and headed into my room. I saw no point in getting a fresh set of day clothes dirty, so I put on pyjamas and as I was still cold, I added my dressing gown and slippers. It wasn’t a sexy combination of clothes, but sex wasn’t on the menu for us – as I knew all too well.
I padded down the stairs, with a nervous fluttering in my stomach. I knew Marty had said he’d not been upset with me, but he was incredibly perceptive at saying what he thought I wanted to hear. I could hear him moving about in the kitchen. A pan banged as it was placed on the stove and a wooden spoon scraped as it stirred something. There was no point delaying my arrival any longer. I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen.
Marty smiled when he saw me. I saw he’d set the table for two and lit candles in the middle of the table. A bottle of red wine and two glasses sat on the table waiting. He motioned for me to sit down.
“Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, thank you, I’m not really dressed for dinner, though,” I smiled.
“You look amazing. You always look amazing to me. Let me pour you a glass of wine. Dinner will be a few minutes yet.” He skilfully opened the wine and poured a large glass for me, to which I raised one of my eyebrows. “For the shock you had.”
“I wondered if you were trying to get me drunk so I would forget what I found out today.” I meant it as a joke.
“I could make you forget without the use of wine,” he responded quickly and then checked himself, “not that I ever would again, not on you.”
“What?”
“I’ll explain it another time,” he replied, as he sat down opposite me.
“You can’t leave it like that! You can’t say something about making me forget and then not tell me what you mean.” I wasn’t about to let this one go.
“I’ll try to explain after we’ve talked about what you uncovered today.”
“You promise me?”
“I do. I promise, as long as you eat dinner first. I can’t have you fainting.”
“No, we don’t want that.” I had a gulp of my wine, to steady my nerves, before I told him about my day. “Well, I decided that I would try to get to the bottom of your secret, so I rang up the hospice and pretended to be a relative of Mr Hollins.” I suddenly felt terrible. “Did he, um, how was he today, by the way?”
“He passed away in the afternoon. It was very peaceful.”
“I’m so sorry. I feel awful for his real relatives.” I was mortified at my own selfishness.
“He didn’t have any. His wife died last year and they had no children. No surviving siblings. That was why I especially wanted to be with him at the end.”
“I’m such a horrible person. I don’t understand how someone as kind as you would want to be with a selfish person like me.”
“You’re not selfish, you’re just focused on what is important to you right now. And I’m glad that I’m the thing that is important to you.” His smile reached his eyes, which glinted in the candlelight. “So, you rang up, and what did you find out?”
“That your receptionist couldn’t remember what hospital you’d come from, which I thought was bizarre, but she could remember the name of a lady who had given a reference for you and she mentioned where Molly Brown lived. I looked up the address in the phone book, got a bus over there and talked to her. It was only when she mentioned how long it had been since she got married, that I knew something was wrong,” I paused, unsure of how to proceed. I looked down at the table, and took another large swig of wine. It was going to my head but, at this point, I didn’t care.
“Please, tell me what happened.” When I didn’t look up, Marty continued speaking, “Claudia, look at me. I’m not angry. I’m pleased you know something. I’m not pleased that you were upset, but I’m so relieved that you’re still here. You could have left, or ordered me to leave, and I would have completely respected your decision. But you chose for me to stay. That means everything to me.”
I took another sip of wine and a deep breath.
“At first, I thought you must have been pretending to be someone else – an older man, as Molly and Derek said they knew you over twenty years ago. Then, Molly showed me a photo from the past with you in.” For once, I didn’t look away. He returned my gaze.
“I see.” He was calm, collected. I guessed that he’d been expecting this.
“You hadn’t aged. They had. You looked identical to yesterday. How is that
possible, Marty?” I hadn’t realised I’d been leaning across the table, but now I was within touching distance of him. The space between us quivered with energy.
“I don’t age. I’ve looked like this for as long as I can remember.” He got up and went over to the stove. I was amazed that he could think about cooking at a time like this.
“You don’t remember your childhood?” I instantly recalled the photo albums stacked with pictures of my changing image, from baby to grown up – some of the more embarrassing photos I would have been happy not to remember.
“I didn’t have a childhood.” He remained at the stove, his back facing me.
“What do you mean? Marty, please look at me.” I waited, but he didn’t turn around. “Please, Marty, you’re scaring me.” This time, he did return to me, kneeling next to my chair and pulling me into a powerful embrace.
“I don’t want to scare you, I never want that.” He softly stroked my hair as he held me. “It’s hard to explain, but I wasn’t ever a baby or a child. I was always this.”
“How is that possible?” My voice came out as a squeak.
“In the same way that it’s possible for me to have never aged.”
“What’s going on, Marty?” I felt dizzy and his voice sounded like it was underwater. The room started going dark and blurry at the edges of my vision.
“I can’t explain, Claudia. Baby, you’re passing out, stay with me, hang on.” He pulled me off the chair and lay me on the kitchen floor, pulling the chair over and resting my feet up on the seat. The blood rushed back to my head and everything pulled back into focus. Instantly, it seemed, he filled a glass with water and was then back at my side, gently cradling my head on his lap, stroking my hair and offering me the cool water. I sipped it gratefully. I tried to get up, but he gently held me in place. “Don’t move yet, Claudia, wait for your blood pressure to sort itself out.”
“I’m glad there’s a doctor in the house,” I looked up at his perfect face and smiled, “I’ve only fainted that one time before, although I’ve felt like it’s going to happen a few more times.”
“You didn’t fully pass out this time but it was close. You’d know if you’d completely lost consciousness.” He leant down and kissed my forehead. “Now, doctor’s orders: you’re going to stay here like this for a few more minutes, sipping your water and then you are going to eat some dinner. We can continue our conversation later.”
That was exactly what we did. After we had eaten, Marty insisted on carrying me to the sofa and even took my pulse to make sure I wouldn’t pass out again. He seemed incredibly concerned. I thought he blamed himself.
“Marty, I’m fine, really. I think I just went too long between meals, got too cold and had too many shocks. You don’t have to fuss around me. I’m fine.”
“I’m just concerned as you’ve not fainted a lot before. I don’t want it to happen. I love you, aren’t I allowed to take extra care of you?” He kissed my hand.
“You may, as long as you tell me how it is possible for you not to age. And what you meant about being able to make me forget.”
He sighed deeply. “Claudia, you remember how I told you I was intuitive. That I had feelings about how things were going to go?” I nodded and he continued: “Well, there’s a bit more to it than that. I usually know exactly what someone’s destiny is and I can help them get to where they should be. Did Molly and Derek explain how I knew them?”
“Yes, you were the doctor to Molly’s husband, who died of cancer, and she said you looked after her. And Derek’s wife was your patient before she died. And you introduced Molly and Derek and now they’re married.”
“Exactly, I saw Molly’s destiny should be intertwined with Derek’s and I led them to each other. Joy out of misery.”
“You can see the future?” I was stunned.
“Not exactly, I can only see what is right for certain individuals. And I thought I saw your destiny was to be with Ben. But now, I can’t see it at all.”
“I don’t have a destiny?”
“Not one I can see anymore – it’s just blank now. I think it altered when you weren’t attracted to Ben and now I can’t tell.” He looked down at me and smiled. “And that is a first for me.”
“So, the making me forget thing?” I felt like I was coping quite well with his revelations.
“I used it on you once. You and your aunt. It didn’t hurt you. It’s just a part of my task. I’d never do it to you again, unless you wanted me to.” He absentmindedly tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
“Marty, what are you? You don’t age, you weren’t ever a baby or a child, you see people’s destinies and help them achieve that and you know how to make people forget things.”
“Claudia, I can’t tell you. I wish I could. Add to that list that I feel incredibly protective of you and I always seem to be ready to catch you.”
My brain picked over the key moments of our conversation for a few minutes. I came to one possibility, but it was so far fetched that I didn’t want to utter it aloud. I thought through the facts again. Marty had never aged, he had no childhood, he had always been this way. He could see people’s destinies and helped them. He had the ability to catch me whenever I fell. He’d tried not to fall for me and said it wasn’t how things were meant to be. Since I’d rejected Ben, in favour of him, he could no longer see my destiny. He remained silent, whilst I mulled things over. Finally I spoke up.
“Marty, this may sound weird, but are you my guardian angel?” As I spoke them, the words sounded ridiculous. He didn’t look at me. I thought I’d upset him. I was about to apologise, say I was joking, when he turned to me. He opened his mouth and simply said:
“Yes.”
Chapter 9
I watched him, stunned. He rested his head in his hands and was as still as a statue for several minutes. The only sound was the ticking clock in the hallway and our breathing. It appeared neither of us knew what to say. My brain was struggling to understand the enormity of his answer to my question. I had no idea of what he was thinking.
“Marty?” My voice, although quiet, cut like a knife through the tense atmosphere. He didn’t respond. I pulled his hands away from his head, so that I could see his face. A solitary tear rolled down his face. I’d never seen a man cry before. Then I remembered, Marty wasn’t a man, he was an angel. There was an angel weeping next to me. I knelt on the floor in front of him. I wiped away the tear with my finger and kissed his cheek where the tear had left his skin glistening. “Please don’t cry.”
He still didn’t speak, but kissed my forehead gently. I could feel my eyes growing wet as I understood the terrible dilemma he had been dealing with for the past few weeks. Being with me had been both painful and blissful for him. And even now, with me knowing the truth, his pain continued. He knew we shouldn’t be together, yet he couldn’t stay away. I now understood fully.
“I’m glad I know the truth, now. I understand why you hated lying to me so much. You said it goes against your nature.” I managed a tearful smile at him.
“I so wanted to tell you. I needed you to know why I can’t be the man you deserve,” he avoided my gaze, “the other evening – I didn’t want to upset you, but I can’t be the man you wanted me to be, because I’m not human.”
I felt embarrassed by my behaviour. I’d tried to seduce an angel. Surely that was an impossible conquest. “I understand. I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have behaved like that.”
“You didn’t know and I shouldn’t have let things get so far. You shouldn’t be attracted to me. Nobody else has ever seen me that way. And I shouldn’t be attracted to you. I just couldn’t stay away from you. I’ve never felt so human, so confused and torn over my feelings. Before I met you, I never strayed from the right path. Now, even though I know this isn’t right, I can’t resist. It feels right. Time spent with you is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever
experienced.” He looked much brighter than a few minutes previously.
I still had so many questions for him. I didn’t know where to start. Things that he’d said were starting to fall into place. No wonder I’d never met anyone else like him. Even now, knowing what he truly was, I still longed to touch him. As if reading my mind, he pulled me up from my knees and cradled me in his arms.
“Am I still allowed to kiss you?” I whispered it, afraid of the answer. He responded by providing me with a sensual, passionate kiss.
“Does that answer your question?” he gently whispered.
“Completely. Did you think knowing the truth would change how I felt about you?”
“In a way, I hoped it would, as it would make it easier for me to walk away from you, which I know is the right thing to do. Selfishly, I couldn’t be more relieved. I never want to have to walk away from you.”
“You don’t have to. Ever. I told you nothing would change how I felt about you. Not that I would have ever guessed this. Now that I know what you are, can you tell me more? Start at the beginning?”
“I can try, I don’t know how much of this will make sense to you. I really don’t want to scare you or upset you.” He watched me carefully. “It’s a long story, you’d better get comfortable.” We sat on the sofa, looking at each other, hands touching, absorbed in one another. He continued: “I was sent to you following the death of your parents.” He paused, catching my eye, as if to check I was still alright. “Your despair was being watched from above. It was felt that you would cope with a little bit of guidance. I was assigned to you. I’m not a beginner. They didn’t mess up.”
In my head, I noted the mysterious ‘they’ being mentioned again. Before I could ask Marty about it, he continued:
“Your case was pretty simple. We all thought so. I’ve done millions of these before. A gentle nudge in the right direction and life suddenly seems brighter. Problem solved.” He smiled, and then refocused on me, stroking my cheek with his fingers. “You. You were different. I thought I knew how to handle you, but I got too close. I felt your vulnerability first hand. I think it was when I wiped your tears away, I became attached to you. I had my plan – you and Ben – he’s a great guy, I’d already planned the match. I tried so hard to push you towards Ben. I was sure he was meant to be your destiny.”