Gravitate

by Jo Duchemin

  Perhaps it was because I had already had an answer planned out, but Donna didn’t make a comment about my bruised forehead. In fact, she was quiet (for her) throughout the rehearsal. It went quickly, without her interruptions.

  Ben called his dad while Sofia and I changed out of our dance shoes. Sofia couldn’t wait for him to be out of earshot so that she could start talking about him.

  “Oh my God, Claudia, he’s amazing, you were so right about us. He knows so much about everything, he makes me feel so dopey! And how cute is he, ringing his dad so that you won’t worry? I’m so smitten.” She grinned in an adorable way.

  “It’s tough being right all the time.” I tried to smile back at her, but it felt forced, lacking the radiance of her smile.

  Ben sauntered back in to talk to us. “All set, Dad says don’t worry, he’ll be gentle. I think that’s his idea of a joke.”

  “Thanks, Ben. I do appreciate it. Have fun tomorrow night. Where are you going?”

  “Gentry’s Brasserie.” They answered in unison, with matching smiles on their faces. They dissolved into giggles, Sofia clinging onto Ben’s arm as she caught her breath.

  “I hope you have a wonderful time,” I said, jealous of their future. I walked home, alone.

  I’d told myself it wasn’t the answer, but as soon as I got home I opened up a bottle of wine. It hadn’t eased my pain when my parents died; it just delayed me from dealing with the pain. I was just putting the heartache on hold. Still, if it numbed the ache for a couple of hours, I was going to try it.

  I lit the fire, sitting on the floor by it, for warmth, until my hipbones hurt and then, reluctantly, I moved onto the sofa. I covered myself with the throw over, desperately trying not to remember how it felt when Marty covered me up with it. I poured another large glass of wine and settled back in the sofa, enjoying the warmth of the wine going straight to my head. I stared at the fire, watching its hypnotic, dancing flames. I couldn’t remember the last time I watched the television, it didn’t hold any appeal for me these days.

  The wine wasn’t having its usual, numbing effect. In fact, it was making my emotions stronger, making me miss Marty with a pain so intense it felt physical. I closed my eyes, imagining his strong arms around me, the light, delicate kisses he sprinkled on my forehead. I remembered his scent, the way it felt to press myself up against his chest, how safe it made me feel when he was near. I could almost feel his thumbs gently caressing my cheeks, wiping away the tears that now spilled down them. I fixed my eyes on the flames, watching them, but not seeing them any more, instead I saw his face projected through the flames; not on fire, but contained within it. The face which haunted me, was still so perfect, so beautiful. His blue eyes looked deeper than I’d recalled, his skin more luminescent. I ached, with every fibre of my being, to speak to him, to imagine his tender lips talking to me.

  “Claudia.” The image I’d pictured in the fire spoke. I didn’t know if it was real or my imagination, but I was thrilled, either way. I was scared to speak, scared to break the magic. I just stared at his face, my attention absorbed by it. “I knew you’d come back after the other day. Just keep staring at me and you won’t lose the connection. Stay focused on me.”

  I did as he asked. I wanted to speak to him, but I was so afraid to ruin this moment. He spoke again.

  “I miss you, so much. Won’t you talk to me?” His eyes shone in the firelight.

  “I miss you, too.” My voice was just a whisper, a tiny sound in comparison to the way his voice came through, loud and clear. “What’s going on? How are we talking?”

  “You’re in a trance.”

  “I thought only angels could speak to each other in a trance,” I croaked.

  “So did I. I don’t know how you’ve done it. It’s much safer than your stunt the other night.” His eyes were serious.

  “You saw that.” I wanted to hide my eyes from his, but knew I’d break the conversation if I did that.

  “I did. Please don’t ever try that again. So much could have gone wrong.”

  “But it nearly worked – I met Alfie – next time, I could find you.”

  “Next time, you could get separated from your body with no way to get back into it – it is dangerous, do you understand?” I nodded and he continued: “This time you managed to hurt yourself and the Dominion were furious with me about it.”

  “You? Why were they furious with you? I made the choice to try to see you.”

  “They blame me for not forcing you to have your memory wiped. They feel my judgment, on matters involving you, is severely flawed. You would never have been placed in this position, if it wasn’t for my mistakes. They were already concerned that I was neglecting my duties here, spending all my time watching you.” He looked so distraught that I immediately felt guilty for making him suffer.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to see me fall apart. I got your feather, I will try to move on, like the maiden queen.” I stared at his face, having no idea of how one could move on from such exquisite beauty.

  “Claudia, what are you talking about? I never left you a feather.” His beautiful face wore a mask of confusion.

  “Yesterday, I found a white feather in your Blake book. It marked out the page of ‘The Angel’- I assumed you’d left it for me, as a message to move on from you.”

  “I wish I were that thoughtful. It wasn’t from me. It was probably one of the Dominion. They are very concerned by how much you are suffering, it isn’t in their nature to see humans in so much emotional pain. They feel guilty. Of course, they blame me, rightly so, for getting you, and them, involved in all this.”

  “Then why don’t they send you back down to me?” I spat the words out bitterly, angry at being conned by them, dismayed that they were taking out their guilt on Marty.

  “You know that isn’t going to happen. In the end, they’re right. You have to live your life without me in it.”

  “But I can’t. I love you.”

  The doorbell rang, breaking into my thoughts and shattering my trance. The fire was just a fire and Marty was gone. It was dark outside, so I could tell it was late, and I hadn’t been expecting any visitors. I put the safety chain on the door and opened it enough to see out. The figure standing outside my house was the last person I expected to see.

  “Claudia,” Olivia said.

  Chapter 21

  I went pale and started feeling dizzy.

  “Please, don’t faint again, we were so worried about you last time. Could you let me in, please?” Her voice was still as kindly as it had been in the clouds. When I didn’t move, she continued talking. “I know I’m here unexpectedly, but I mean you no harm.”

  My brain juddered into motion, unlatching the safety chain and opening the door. She walked in and gave me a warm hug, which was the last thing I had expected.

  “Claudia, we have so hated watching you suffer. We never wanted you to be in such emotional turmoil.” Her eyes shone as she spoke to me. Despite everything, I trusted her. I led her into the kitchen and she sat down at the kitchen table. I busied myself by making a pot of tea.

  “Send him back to me and I won’t be in turmoil any longer,” I challenged her.

  “It can’t be done. You’re human, he’s an angel. It isn’t right.”

  “It doesn’t feel wrong,” I countered.

  “To you or him. To the rest of us, it’s hideous. An abomination.” Olivia’s words were said without malice, but they still cut like a knife. I had no response. I just shook my head. “He suffers as much as you. More so. He watches you. He feels pain for causing you pain. He’s neglecting his duties. George is still campaigning for him to be cast to hell.”

  I gasped. “Will that happen?”

  “I won’t allow it. But you and Marty are not making it easy for me to stand up to George. The way you’re both wallowing in this self-inflicted heartac
he, the harm done seems so enormous that the others might start to agree that George has a case.”

  “Why does George hate Marty so much?” I wondered why he also hated me.

  Olivia sighed and I could see her trying to find the right words to explain to me. “George feels terribly let down by Marty. He was the one who suggested that Marty would be an ideal addition to the Dominion. He championed him. Being one of us is such a great honour in our society and he feels that Marty has thrown it all away for nothing.”

  I flinched at being referred to as nothing. “Do you think I’m nothing?” I whispered to her.

  “No, Claudia, that’s just George’s view. I actually think you’re one of the most intriguing humans I’ve met. Don’t tell the others, but I was secretly impressed that you managed to visit the clouds on your own, although that was incredibly risky. You didn’t know you could get permanently separated from your body, did you?”

  I shook my head.

  “Don’t try it again, Claudia.”

  “I won’t.” I paused, unsure whether to tell her the words that were on my mind. I decided I could trust her. “I spoke to Marty in a trance today.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m here. I’m amazed. I have no idea of how you managed to communicate with him but it has to stop.”

  “Why? We aren’t hurting anyone.”

  “You’re hurting each other. We need you to carry on your life and you can’t do that while you’re still talking to him and looking out for signs that he’s visited you.”

  “You left the feather in the book for me.”

  “I did. I hoped it would bring you some comfort and encourage you to find a new love. I didn’t anticipate the reaction it provoked. I would never have tried it, if I knew it would hurt you.”

  “Why are you here, Olivia?” I knew she hadn’t just come to tell me how sorry she was.

  “I’m worried about Marty. If he carries on like this, he’s going to be in big trouble. If George gets enough support, he might even be able to get Marty cast into hell.” She looked strained. I momentarily wondered what it was about me that made angels, normally the most serene creatures in the universe, end up being so stressed.

  “What can I do?” I knew what she was going to ask me. I knew from something Marty had said. The reason the Dominion were furious at him.

  “Let me take the memories of him away. You won’t be suffering any longer and Marty won’t feel compelled to watch your pain. If you truly love him, surely you’ll do anything to stop the possibility of him being cast into hell.” She knew I’d agree, that I’d do anything for him.

  I nodded, tears flowing freely from my eyes. “Anything for Marty.”

  “You know I wouldn’t ask, unless it was necessary. Look into my eyes, Claudia.”

  I stared into Olivia’s eyes, seeing her sadness at the situation. I saw the beam of light transfer from her to me, felt the warming glow on my skin that the light provided. I thought of Marty’s face in my head, wanting to hold on to it for as long as possible. Would it fade? Would it just disappear? I waited.

  “Claudia?” Olivia’s forehead was creased with concern for me.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you remember why I’m here?” She ventured the question gently.

  I nodded. “You came to see me about Marty.”

  She gasped. “No, I’m here to deliver your makeup catalogue. Who’s Marty?”

  “Marty is an angel. My guardian angel. You’re an angel, too. You don’t sell makeup. Olivia, it didn’t work.”

  “This isn’t possible. I wiped your memories…” She looked lost for words.

  “It didn’t work when Marty tried it either – he tried to make me forget some names, but I remembered them later.”

  “We knew that…we thought Marty was to blame. I should have been able to wipe your memories.” Olivia sounded like her world was tumbling down around her.

  “So, I’m the problem. Is there something wrong with me?” Olivia’s agitation was making me panic. “Will Marty be cast into hell?” I started hyperventilating, worried that Marty would be in trouble, when the fault lay with me.

  She stood up, and walked around the table to embrace me. “Shhh. We will figure it out,” she said, rubbing my back in a soothing way. I closed my eyes, leaning my head against her shoulder, feeling instantly more relaxed. When I opened my eyes, I saw whispers of silver smoke floating around the floor. It was the same thing I’d seen when Marty had wiped the memories of everyone else in the theatre.

  “Olivia, is the silver smoke a by-product of trying to wipe a memory?”

  “You can see that?” Olivia sounded shocked.

  “Yes, and I saw it on Sunday, after Marty wiped everyone else’s memory. What is it there for?”

  She bit her lip. “It’s from an angel altering the atmosphere in a room. Silver represents relaxation.”

  I concentrated, closing my eyes to help me focus. I felt very unsettled by the events of the evening and I wanted to get rid of that feeling. I imagined my shimmering, golden glow beaming out of my palms and filling the room with a new emotion.

  I heard Olivia’s sharp intake of air, my eyes still closed.

  “Claudia, why do I suddenly feel confident? You did that.”

  I nodded. “It happens when I imagine a golden light moving around the room. I didn’t realise what it did, until you just said about the silver mist. I think Marty felt it once, but he didn’t think I was responsible.”

  “Gold represents confidence. This is incredible. Unbelievable. Can you do it again? Try a different emotion.”

  I closed my eyes, thinking of every kiss I’d shared with Marty, remembering how it felt to touch his skin, remembering the passion I felt for him, the delicious sexual tension that existed between us. I pictured it as a bright fuchsia pink, the mist shimmering around the room.

  “What was that?” Olivia sounded scared, shocked to her core.

  “Desire.”

  She’d gone pale. I got her a glass of water. She looked stunned.

  “Are you OK, Olivia?”

  “It’s a very intense emotion. I’ve never felt it before. This is how you felt for Marty?” She was gripping the table for support.

  “Yes. It’s how he felt for me, too.”

  “No wonder he couldn’t walk away from you. Do all humans feel like this?”

  “Yes, at some point in their lives, I’m sure everyone feels desire.”

  “How do they ever get any work done?”

  I laughed, the first time I’d truly laughed since Marty had left.

  “Well, Claudia, I’ll admit, I’m amazed. I have no idea how you can block my ability to wipe your memory, how you can alter the atmosphere of a room, or how you can communicate with Marty. There must be something special about you. I can understand why Marty was drawn to you, why he was willing to risk everything for you.”

  “Can you tell the others? Would they reverse the decision?”

  “It isn’t enough. You’re still a human. A talented and unique human, but still human. I will tell them what I have seen tonight, but I don’t think it will make any difference.”

  “Will you tell Marty?”

  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yes, I will tell him what I have discovered here but we still have a problem, as far as you two are concerned. I came here to wipe your memory, so that you could carry on with your life as though he had never been here.”

  “So? What’s the problem?”

  “You still need to do just that. You have to move on and be happy. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for him. He is in agony watching you. He isn’t coming back. I wish I could change things for you.” She looked so sad. I felt that she now completely understood how we felt and her heart was breaking as surely as mine had.

  “How can anything on Earth
ever compare to him?” I asked her.

  “It won’t. But you have to carry on. ‘Still the clock ticks on and time doesn’t wait…” She couldn’t complete the lyric, a solitary tear rolling down her cheek.

  “And you have to accept the cruel hand of fate,” I finished for her.

  She nodded. “Don’t cause him any more pain. If you love him, let him go.”

  I didn’t cry. I had come to terms with it. Olivia left, without another word. It had all been said.

  Chapter 22

  Surprisingly, I slept well that night. I suffered no nightmares, no intense dreams of longing. I woke up feeling refreshed, my eyes no longer sore from crying. I was nervous about my meeting with Ben’s dad, but it was nice to feel an emotion that wasn’t despair. I missed Marty, of course, every molecule of me longed for him, but Olivia was right, I had to let him go. I dressed in jeans and a fitted jumper, boots and my warmest coat. It was still frozen outside, and I felt like my heart was frozen too, no longer aching with every beat, but numb, unable to feel anything.

  It was a fifteen minute walk to my dad’s office. I’d sat outside the building many times in my dad’s car, until Mum put her foot down about the hours he was working, but I’d never actually set foot inside. It was a big, purpose built unit on an industrial estate, nothing special from the outside, but I remembered how proud my dad had been when they moved the business here. It had meant so much to him. I was so nervous, I was shaking. I was about to wish for Marty again and stopped myself, remembering that every time I wished for what I couldn’t have, I inflicted more pain on both of us. I took a deep breath and pulled open the cold, metal door handle.