by Jo Duchemin
“Methinks the lady doth protest too much…” Tim was enjoying my discomfort.
“No, really, I just didn’t want to wait around for your sister – if anyone is a dirty girl it’s her.” As soon as I spoke the words I felt bad – most brothers, like most dads, didn’t like to hear that their female relations were sexually active. To my surprise, Tim didn’t defend Jade’s behaviour but nodded at me.
“Oh, I know, my little sister is a prize slut sometimes,” Tim didn’t say the words unkindly, and even though Jade was my friend, I had thought similarly about her the previous evening. “But if she was a man, everyone would accept her as a player. Double standards. Anyway, back to you…silver fox?”
I rolled my eyes, “He’s in his late thirties, I guess, but nothing happened. He was just being kind, making sure I got home safely.”
“Are you sure you haven’t got a thing for older men?” Tim was laughing, teasing me, his words weren’t meant maliciously, but they still hurt as they reminded me of Marty – he may have looked in his twenties, but he was certainly the definition of an older man. When I didn’t respond, Tim glanced over at me, taking his eyes off the road for the briefest of moments. “Claudia, are you OK?”
“Yeah, my last boyfriend was older than me, I just miss him, that’s all.”
“So you do like older men? There’s hope for me yet!” He winked at me and I wondered if flirting was a natural trait in his and Jade’s genetic make up.
“Stop flirting with me, I’m not looking for a boyfriend.” I tried to keep my tone light, sure he was just having a bit of fun and not wishing to upset him.
“I’ll bear that in mind.”
We arrived at a garden centre and headed towards the outside section where the Christmas trees were waiting to be bought. The afternoon was heading to dusk and a cold breeze circled us.
“Well, which tree is your tree?”
I walked up and down the rows of cut pines, breathing in the woodsy, outdoors scent, trying not to think of last year when my dad had brought me to this very same place. I decided against buying a large tree like my parents had always purchased – Tim’s car wasn’t as big as my dad’s Volvo had been.
I selected a short, but fat, spruce with a blue tinge to its needles. Tim fought bravely with the tree to convince it to fit into the boot of his car. I hated to think how many pine needles it would leave behind.
The journey home was more subdued, my mood having become melancholy at thinking about how different this Christmas, all my Christmases, would be from this year on. Tim tried to distract me by asking questions, making chit-chat, but like everything these days, my heart wasn’t in it.
“So how is the course going?”
“The English side is fine, the drama side is a nightmare – well, the lecturer is. I can’t believe I have another two and a half years left of this.” I hoped I didn’t sound like a spoilt brat – I knew lots of people who wanted to go to university and couldn’t afford it.
“Enjoy it while it lasts, it flies by, especially the third year, and then you’re out in the big, bad world of work.”
“Don’t tell me you’re already counting down the days until your retirement?”
“No, but I hate being the new boy. I’m working at the same level as people who have been there for years – I got fast tracked as a graduate and some of them resent that.”
I momentarily thought of Andrea, the receptionist at my dad’s company, and how she resented me. I’d assumed a lot of her problem came from a lack of self-esteem, but now I could see how it would be frustrating to put years of hard work into a business, only to be rejected in favour of new blood.
Back at my house, Tim helped me to position the tree against a wall of the house, so that it could acclimatise overnight and he promised to come over the next day to help me set it up in the living room.
I spent the evening alone, the TV on, but I wasn’t watching it. I was reliving my dream from this morning. Despite all the goings-on of my day, the best part of it had been over before I woke up.
As promised, Tim turned up the next morning, with a still pale-looking Jade. I made a pot of tea, while Jade apologised for her behaviour the other night.
“Claudia, I am really sorry I got so drunk…did the silver fox try anything on the way home?”
Again, I felt embarrassed by Jade bringing this up. “No, he was a gentleman. And can you stop calling him ‘the silver fox’? He’s Ben’s dad and he’s called Mr Acton. He’s old enough to be my father, so just leave it.”
“But he was good-looking, in a distinguished way, you know, like George Klooney. Plus, older men have more money.”
“What? Am I a gold digger now?” I was getting angry with Jade now, I didn’t like her applying her standards to me. I was surprised when Tim jumped into the conversation.
“Jade, Claudia said leave it. She told me herself she’s not looking for a boyfriend.”
“I just meant that he could take you out on nice dates, mini-breaks, that kind of thing. I didn’t mean anything else.” Jade couldn’t meet my eyes.
“It’s OK. I know. I’m just a bit sensitive. My parents left me enough money to be comfortable, I don’t need anyone else to look after me.” Not financially, anyway, I thought to myself.
“She shouldn’t be nosy. You wouldn’t have had to leave with him if she wasn’t so drunk. She’s your friend, and she let you down.” Tim’s simmering anger towards his sister was creating a nasty atmosphere in my kitchen. I closed my eyes for a second, imagining a turquoise mist floating around us, providing a calm, serene air.
“Come on, guys, who wants to help decorate my Christmas tree?” My voice sounded jovial, even to me.
Tim used a hacksaw to trim the bottom of the tree trunk off so it was flat, while Jade and I sorted out the decorations my mum had stored in the cupboard under the stairs. She kept apologising and I kept brushing her words away. Friday night was over with, as far as I was concerned.
“Claudia, why don’t you pop over to ours tomorrow night and we can watch some chick-flicks? I’ll even make popcorn.” Jade was at least trying to make it up to me, the least I could do was to accept.
“That sounds great – what time do you want me to come over?”
“Come over at 7pm, Mum and Dad are going out to Mum’s Christmas party with her work, they are going to get a taxi back at 11pm and then you can use that taxi to get home. That way, we can watch two films in one evening.” I could almost see Jade imagining which leading men she could drool over tomorrow night.
“Sounds like a plan. Do you want me to bring anything?” I asked.
“Just yourself. And wine.” Jade’s smile was pure wickedness and I couldn’t help but grin back. Maybe one day she’d change, but it didn’t look like it would happen anytime soon.
“Deal.”
“I hope you girls are ready with the decorations, because this tree looks naked!” Tim’s voice came hollering from the living room, where he’d finally managed to get the tree sitting upright in its stand. Jade and I ran to look at it and both smiled. It was beginning to look like Christmas.
We passed the afternoon pleasantly, decorating the tree and singing along to Christmas songs, Jade sounding decidedly off key and Tim embarrassed but giving it a go. Part of me wondered if this is what it would have been like if I’d not been an only child. I guess I’d never know.
I spent another evening in my own company and realised I was beginning to relish time alone instead of dreading it. I lit the fire and some candles and put the TV on, dividing my time between pretending to watch the TV and staring at Christmas tree. Mostly, I just imagined Marty. I thought about how Christmas had to be the hardest time to be alone. I’d once heard that more people commit suicide at Christmas and that more couples get divorced directly following Christmas. It clearly wasn’t the most wonderful time of the year for some
people. The phone rang, cutting into my thoughts.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Claudia, it’s Aunt Sandra.” She sounded bubbly and I wondered if she had already indulged in some Christmas spirit.
“Sandra, how are you?”
“I’m fabulous, darling,” Sandra had definitely been at the drinks, “I just miss you, are you still coming over on Friday?”
“Yes, I’m booked on the morning train, I’m really looking forward to seeing you all. Is Ned still OK to pick me up from the station?”
“He’s already cleaned out the car, ready for your suitcase – you wouldn’t believe how much junk he’s been ferrying to work and back! How are you getting to the station at your end?”
“Um, taxi, I guess?” I hadn’t booked one yet, but I was sure it would be OK.
“Good, I can’t wait. Your cousins have been making you Christmas cards today, they are so cute, atrocious spelling, but cute, nonetheless.”
“Brilliant, I’ll bet they’ve all grown so much.”
“They do, all the time. I feed them too much! Have you started packing yet?”
“Not yet,” I admitted.
“Well, start thinking about it, you know how these last few days before Christmas rush by. Claudia, call me if you need me, won’t you?” Her concern for me cut through the triviality of her phone call.
“I’m doing OK, honestly, I’ll be fine.” I tried to believe the words as I said them.
“I know you will, honey. But I still want you to know I’m here for you.”
“I know. And you’ll see on Friday that I’m fine.” I would be glad of the change of scenery and company during the coming weekend, even though it wasn’t the Christmas I would have chosen for myself.
“Good, I’d better go, I can smell burning, I think Danny has put one of Laura’s Barbie dolls in the microwave again. Bye, Claudia.”
“Goodbye, Sandra.”
I had a dreamless sleep that night.
The next day dragged, but having a plan for the evening at least gave me a focus. I stopped at the off-licence and picked up two bottles of wine – one red and one white – and walked in the cold to Jade’s house. It was several minutes away, less than half an hour, but I felt frozen by the time I arrived. With shaking hands, I knocked on the door. It opened with a creak, the holly wreath on the front rocking with the movement.
“Claudia? What are you doing here?” Tim couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice.
“I’m here to watch chick-flicks with Jade.”
“She went out to meet some bloke.”
I shivered involuntarily. “But I only made plans with her yesterday…”
“Sorry. My sister – the most self-absorbed woman in the world. Come on in, you’re freezing. Didn’t she text you? Or call you?” Tim closed the door behind me and held out his hand to take my coat.
“I haven’t checked my phone since I left my house. I didn’t hear it…” I put down the bag with the wine in and scrambled through my handbag to locate my phone. Sure enough, a message was waiting for me. It had been sent ten minutes prior.
I have to cancel tonight. Ethan called! Meant to text you earlier, sorry. Xx
My throat was swelling up in a lump of disappointment. The thought of walking back through the dark cold to my house was more than I could bear. I felt my body shake again, a mixture of cold and anger seeping through me.
“Claudia, do you want a cup of tea?” Tim led me to the kitchen.
I picked up my bags and followed him. “I bought wine, do you fancy sharing a bottle? I need something stronger than tea, after walking here.”
“As long as you don’t make me watch a chick-flick.” Tim produced two glasses from a cupboard and proceeded to pour two generous glasses of red wine. “Do you want to take these into the living room? I’m sure we could find something non-chick-flick to watch.”
I nodded. I was angry at Jade, but at least Tim was being hospitable. I decided I’d stay for one drink and warm myself up before walking home again.
Tim flicked through the TV channels, randomly stopping for a few moments on certain programmes before continuing his search for something he liked the look of. After a few minutes, he switched the TV off. He turned to me and smiled.
“Nothing good on.”
“That’s OK, I’ll head home soon.” I felt bad for disturbing his evening.
“You don’t have to. My parents are out for the evening.” He shifted his weight along the sofa, moving closer to me.
“I’ve taken up enough of your time.” I felt uncomfortable, nervous. I put down my wine glass, wanting to leave now.
“Claudia, you can take up as much of my time as you want.” Tim caught my wrist on the hand nearest him, not with enough force to hurt me, but with enough grip to make me stay. My pulse was pounding in my ears, everything about the moment felt wrong.
“I told you, I’m not looking for a boyfriend.” I tried to say the words firmly, to make him see sense. I tried to shake my wrist loose from his grip, but he held on, his fingers wrapping around with increasing force. He moved closer, leaning his chest over mine, pushing my weaker body from vertical to horizontal. I held my breath.
“I know you don’t want a boyfriend, but what about just for tonight, two people, caught in a moment; what about making the most of right now?” His mouth clamped down on mine, the power of his kiss becoming almost violent. One of his hands started wandering over my body, the other clumsily fumbling with my belt buckle. For half a second I was paralysed with fear and then my survival instinct took over. I pushed him with all my might, forced him to let me up.
“Get off of me! Don’t touch me!” I realised I was screaming at him and he looked shocked by my reaction. He shrunk away from me, pulling his hands in to himself and making no attempt to restrain me or calm me down. I grabbed my handbag and coat and ran from the house, his voice echoing along the street as my footsteps pounded away.
“Claudia, I’m sorry, I misread the situation. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have hurt you. I’m sorry…”
Chapter 24
As I ran, my brain started to rationalise the situation. At the time, I’d been convinced Tim was about to rape me and escaping from that situation was the only plan I’d been able to focus on. As the cold air circled me, I realised it was possible he hadn’t been trying to hurt me, he just wanted more than I did. He’d stopped as soon as I shouted at him, he hadn’t stopped me from leaving the house. Yet, I was angry. Angry at Jade, angry at him, angry at myself. She’d abandoned me, forcing me into a situation I wasn’t comfortable with. He’d assumed I was the kind of girl who had one-night stands, he clearly didn’t know me at all. I was angry at myself, for allowing the situation to happen. I kept running, trying to outrun the feelings of shame and humiliation that were following me.
Tiredness caught up with me before I’d managed to escape my emotions. I was faced with a long walk home in the dark as I didn’t know the bus routes for this area very well. I didn’t want to wait in the dark for a taxi to pick me up, so I just kept walking. Cold, wet tears spilled down my cheeks and I hugged my arms around my body to try to keep warm. I groaned as I realised I’d left my scarf and gloves at Jade’s house. My hair whipped around my face wildly as an icy blast of air caught it, leaving strands stuck to the tears on my cheeks. I knew I must have looked a state and I was grateful that the streets were deserted so that nobody would see me.
I was reminded of the day I’d been to visit Molly and Derek. I’d been in a similar emotional freefall that day – this time there would be no Marty waiting for me at home. A fresh onslaught of tears spilled down my face. I saw headlights in the distance, on the other side of the road, and put my head down, eyes glued to the pavement, to avoid the driver's attention. The car raced past and I was alone again. I looked up to the sky. Hardly any cloud cover tonight – just the dark ni
ght contrasting with the icy glare of the stars. I shivered. I’d hoped to see clouds – then I would know Marty was up there somewhere.
I heard another car coming from behind me. Involuntarily, I turned around to see where it was. It was signalling to pull up to the kerb next to me. Slowing down. My rational side told me I’d be incredibly unlucky to have any more bad incidents tonight, but my instinctive side started working on a self-defence plan. One hand reached into my bag, pulling the lid off the small canister of hairspray I kept in there and held the can ready to spray in the driver's eyes if anything bad happened. I mentally kicked myself for not buying a pepper spray, but then I hadn’t planned to be walking alone in the dark. The other hand dipped into my coat pocket and located my house keys, getting ready to use the sharpest key as a makeshift knife. I had no trust left for tonight.
The car pulled to a smooth stop next to the pavement where I was standing. I heard the smooth buzz of the window as it slid down. My heart pounded. I turned to face the car, keeping as far back from the door as possible. Perhaps the driver just needed directions. Nobody was out to kill me. I took in as many details of the car as I could. Red, convertible, two doors, clean, black hood. I couldn’t see the make or model in the dark and to be honest I wouldn’t have been able to tell in daylight either – my knowledge of cars was limited. This one looked expensive to me. I saw the silhouette of the driver’s hand reach up as he put the interior light on. He leaned over to talk to me and I recognised him at once.
“Claudia? I thought that was you. Are you OK?” Sam Acton, eyes filled with concern, was staring at me. A fresh wave of tears washed down my cheeks. “No, you’re not OK, I can see that, what happened?”
I couldn’t speak, I felt immobile. I watched as he unbuckled his seatbelt, got out of the car and walked over to me. I didn’t feel afraid, just frozen. He bent at his knees slightly, bringing his eyes level with mine, and produced a tissue from his jacket pocket. I didn’t move my hands to take the tissue, so he dabbed at the tears on my face.