by Jo Duchemin
I sobbed for a few minutes, thinking back to my childhood when my mother’s cuddles could mend any ailment. I missed her more than words could express. I turned to my dad’s grave.
“Daddy. I miss you. I didn’t realise how much you protected me until you weren’t here to do it anymore. The world can be a horrible place sometimes. But I hope you’d be proud of me – I’m learning about your business. Are you proud? I’ll bet you are. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you.”
In my head I ran through a montage of moments in my life that my parents would never see – my graduation from university, walking down the aisle at my wedding, holding their first grandchild. They’d been ripped apart from me before I’d even started living my life. I knelt on the grass in between their graves and spoke to them both.
“I wish I’d made more of the time we spent together. I’ll always love you both, I’ll always miss you both. I wish I’d gone with you. I wish we were together…” I laid my head on the grass and broke down.
A few minutes later I felt a pair of strong hands on my back, pulling me upright and holding on to me. I looked up at Sam and saw he was also crying. I buried my head against his chest and let him hold me. He cradled me until my sobs subsided and then cajoled me back to the car. He drove me home in silence and helped me into the house. He offered to stay, but I asked him to leave. I needed to be alone for a while.
Chapter 30
The next few days passed in a blur. I spent most of the time crying. Crying for my parents, crying for Marty, crying for myself. I didn’t feel like eating, I didn’t feel like drinking, I barely slept. My phone would beep, I’d read the messages but only respond to say I was fine but I wanted to be alone.
On New Year’s Eve Sofia rang me, forcing me to face the world again. I hadn’t wanted to answer the phone, but it wasn’t fair to make her worry. I took a deep breath and pressed the ‘answer’ button.
“Hello, Sofia,” I whispered, my voice crackling from being used after so much time in silence.
“Claudia, we’re picking you up in an hour and you’re coming to our party. Pack your overnight bag and get your dancing shoes on. We won’t take no for an answer.”
I sighed. “You know I’m not good company at the moment.”
“We don’t care, we want you at our party. Go and pack your stuff, we’ll be over soon.”
“I don’t deserve friends like you,” I said sarcastically, but really meaning every word.
“Of course you do. See you in an hour.”
I raced around the house, throwing items into my overnight bag and picking an outfit that would be suitable for a party. I settled on the black dress I wore for my night out with Jade. I made myself a cup of tea and waited for Ben and Sofia to arrive. I didn’t feel like going to a party, but I knew I couldn’t stay in my house, on my own, forever. At some point I had to move on.
I saw the car head up the driveway and started to lock up the house. I only had a small overnight bag, so I didn’t need any help getting into the car. I opened the back door and sat behind Sofia.
“Hi, you two,” I said with forced cheeriness.
Sofia turned around to face me. “Claudia, please don’t ever disappear off the radar again, we were all so worried about you.”
“Especially my dad.” Ben did not sound impressed.
“I just needed to be alone for a while – it’s been hard for me, first Christmas since my parents died.” I wasn’t sure why I felt so defensive.
“My dad doesn’t worry about me, but he didn’t stop asking if we’d heard from you. I can understand if you’re looking for a father figure, but does it have to be my dad?”
“Ben!” Sofia looked aghast, as though she had no idea of the feelings he had.
“Sofia, has he asked you once how you are? No. It’s only, how’s Claudia, have you been to see Claudia, has Claudia texted you? I’m sick of it. They should both stick to people their own age.” Ben had never been so irritated and I was scared to speak.
“Ben just means he doesn’t like to see his dad worrying, isn’t that right, Ben?” Sofia tried to be the peacemaker but Ben kept staring straight ahead.
“I’m not dating your dad, Ben. I’m not dating anyone.”
“Claudia, I’m not blind – he’s falling for you. It’s sick. You’re younger than me.” I’d never heard Ben speak with such anger. It fired an anger in me that couldn’t be contained.
“Shut up, Ben! Your dad has been nothing but kind to me. He’s a good man and it’s up to him who he chooses to fall in love with. You know what, if he did feel that way for me I’d be a very lucky girl. I might be younger than you, but I’ve been through a hell of a lot more than most people, a hell of a lot more than you, so give me a little respect. Did you know I was attacked the other day? That the guy was going to rape me? That the guy tried to break into my house? So, do forgive your dad if he comes across as being just a tiny bit overprotective of a girl who has nobody else to look after her.”
The car was silent for a few moments. I could feel myself shaking and trembling.
“Claudia, I’m so sorry, I had no idea.” Ben’s voice was quiet.
“Are you OK? I mean, about the guy who…” Sofia looked shaken herself.
“He was arrested trying to break into my house. I’m fine now. He’s locked up.”
“Now I see why Dad said we should have the party at his and stay over – he was worried about Claudia being out at night.” Ben was back to his normal self.
“Why did you think he offered?” Sofia asked.
Ben sighed, “I thought he was going to try to seduce Claudia. He’d gone about her so much, I thought…well, now I feel like a spoilt brat.”
“You are,” I commented.
“I’m really sorry, Claudia, I had no right to comment and if you did want to date my dad, I wouldn’t object. Hell, if you got married, I’d have one fit looking stepmother!” Ben laughed and earned a thump on the arm from Sofia. “What are you moaning about? Claudia would be an awesome mother-in-law for you!”
“Ben Acton is that a proposal?”
“Not yet, but play your cards right and it could be!” Ben grinned at Sofia as he glided the car up a tree-lined driveway. A large house stood at the end, Tudor in outward style, but clearly a modern built house judging by the matching double garage at one side. The front door opened as we arrived and I saw Sam walk out of the house, relief washing over his face as he saw I was well. We all got out of the car and walked over to greet him. He gave Ben a handshake and awkwardly kissed Sofia on the cheek. With me, his awkwardness increased as he debated whether to embrace me or avoid touching me. He settled for smiling at me and offering to carry my overnight bag, even though it was hardly a heavy load.
“Ben, why don’t you show Sofia up to your room? And I’ll show Claudia the main guest room.” Sofia and Ben giggled as they headed off and I sensed that Ben and Sam had already discussed that Sofia would be staying in Ben’s room. I couldn’t imagine my dad letting a boyfriend stay in my room so easily. I felt guilty as I recalled the many nights Marty had shared my bed, although I was sure my dad would have liked Marty, if they’d ever met. I shook myself for imagining introducing Marty to my parents. They were all gone from my life. Sam was staring at me, waiting for me to speak.
“Your house is beautiful,” I said.
“Thank you, I had it built from scratch. It’s all my own design.”
“It’s lovely.” I looked around the spacious hallway he’d led me into.
“It was a risk – I bought the land without planning permission and, being next to the park, I wasn’t sure they would approve my plans. I wanted to design the perfect family home…I just never got around to adding to my family.” He was leading me up the stairs and he glanced back at me.
“So, how many guest rooms do you have?” I wondered, since
he’d said ‘main’ guest room.
“Well, aside from Ben’s room, and my room, the other bedrooms are all guest rooms, so three. You get the best one though.”
“This is really kind of you.”
“We had to get you to leave your house. And I’d rather know where you are. I can’t bear the thought of you being hurt.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I didn’t have anyone else looking after me and he did make me feel safe. I wondered if I could grow to love him, given enough time. Part of me wanted to.
“Here you go, the main guest room…”
He led me into a beautifully appointed room, with white walls and turquoise satin curtains and bed covers. The room had a theme of peacock feathers and felt luxurious, like a fancy hotel.
“I also designed the interior decor myself, but this room has never been used.” He showed me the adjoining bathroom, complete with Jacuzzi bath and double shower. I felt self-conscious standing in the room with him. I struggled to think of something to say to break the silence.
“It’s beautiful.”
“So are you,” he said and I stepped away from him. “I’m sorry, you’ve been more than upfront with me. You just can’t imagine how difficult it is for me - wanting to touch you so much, but knowing I have to keep my distance. I’ve thought of nothing but you for days. I just want to take care of you.”
I walked out of the bathroom, into the bigger bedroom area, but that seemed an even more intimate space.
“Claudia, I know it’s too soon for you and I will wait as long as it takes for you. If you need anything, you only have to ask. My bedroom is next door, so I won’t be far away.” He left the room and I slumped onto the comfortable bed. I could hear party guests arriving downstairs, Sofia and Ben acting as hosts. I got changed, put my make up on and went downstairs to join them.
Sam kept his distance from me for most of the evening, stealing glances from across the room where he chatted to his friends. I sat with the younger guests, mostly people I recognised from university, and tried to keep up with their conversations about TV shows I didn’t watch and nights out I hadn’t been on. After four hours, I needed a break.
I walked out of the large living room and found a quiet place to sit on the stairs. I buried my head in my hands, wondering why I’d come out. I heard a creak on the stairs and looked up to see Sam offering me a glass of champagne. I smiled weakly.
“Is it too much for you, Princess?”
“Yes.” I took the champagne, and he sat on the steps next to me.
“Am I too much for you?”
I looked at him. “No, you’ve been so nice.”
“Not in my thoughts tonight…”
“What do you mean?”
“You should have heard what some of my so-called friends said when they spotted you across the room. It took all my restraint not to punch them.” He looked away from me and swigged from his champagne glass.
“What were they saying?”
“Uncouth remarks. Not fit for you to hear. Safe to say they fancied you rotten, working out how to get close to you for midnight so that they could kiss you.”
I sipped my drink.
“Is there another man out there that you want to kiss at midnight? I wouldn’t be offended.”
“There’s no other man on Earth.”
“You’re just not ready yet?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to break his heart when I was still fixing mine. Who knew if mine would one day beat for someone other than Marty? He gently put an arm around me and I leant my head against his shoulder. It felt nice, comfortable.
“Not yet.”
“You will be.”
“Someday.”
“I’ll be waiting. I love being close to you. Doesn’t this feel nice?”
I nodded. It did. It was second best to Marty being here.
“I’ll be here as long as it takes.”
The living room grew noisier. Chimes rang out from the TV.
“Happy New Year, Claudia, I hope this year is better for you.” He kissed my cheek and then allowed me to rest my head back on his shoulder without me having to give a kiss away. I leant against him, knowing he was the closest to home I would feel tonight.
“Happy New Year.”
“You’ve had enough of the party, haven’t you?”
“I’m not good company.”
“I beg to differ. I think you’re amazing.”
“I don’t fit in with the teenagers anymore. I’d give anything to have a fight with my mum and dad now.” I looked down at the floor.
“I don’t think of you as a teenager.”
“And I don’t deserve you. I think I’ll go to bed.”
“I’ll walk you up. I like the idea of being the last man you see before you go to sleep. And I like to know you’re safe. You know there’s a lock on your door, so nobody can get in unless you let them in.” He stroked my arm as we walked up the stairs.
“Goodnight Sam. Thank you for…well…everything.”
“Goodnight, Princess. I’m only on the other side of that wall, I’m here if you need me.”
January broke into a frenzy of rehearsals and lectures and being busy kept me sane. Sam continued his daily texts and I answered politely, starting to look forward to his attention. Donna had less and less to be vile to me about in rehearsals and the show was almost ready to be performed. The first two weeks of the month passed with little to validate themselves, except the fact that I made it through them. I was surprised when Sam arrived at my house one evening, unannounced.
“Claudia, I hate to bother you, but we need the company’s certificate of being an equal opportunities employer. Your dad went on the training, I wondered if the certificate was here.” He looked sincere and I welcomed him into my home instantly.
“Dad left all the important documents in his office upstairs, will you help me look?”
“Of course. If it’s here it won’t take long to find.”
We sat in my dad’s office, riffling through his desk, searching the documents it contained. I laughed as Sam discovered some of my old school reports and read them aloud.
“Claudia is an extremely conscientious worker who always gives of her very best…The quality of Claudia’s work has gone from strength to strength…Claudia is a valuable and loyal contributor to the music department…Are you sure this is about you? Or did you bribe the teacher? Oh wait…The presentation of written work could be improved at times…definitely you!”
I threw a balled up piece of paper at him and continued sifting through the papers in my hand. I read something that made me gasp audibly.
“Claudia?”
I handed him the certificate I’d found and dissolved to the ground. I found it hard to breathe. If there had been a rug underneath me, it was well and truly pulled out from under my feet. I focussed on breathing, trying to comprehend the words I’d just read. Sam was unnaturally silent. I looked at him. He looked like he’d seen a ghost.
“You didn’t know?” Sam asked.
I could feel my mouth open, but didn’t have the ability to close it. The shock set in and I started to tremble.
“You didn’t know. Oh my God. You shouldn’t have found out like this. Oh, Princess, this is all wrong. I thought you knew.”
He put his arms around me and that’s when I realised I was crying uncontrollably. Both our fingers let go of the piece of paper, and the certificate that stated I was adopted floated silently to the ground.
Chapter 31
When I was done crying my heart out, I asked Sam what he knew about my adoption. He didn’t know the details, only that my parents had adopted me at the age of six months. He’d honestly thought I knew already and was mortified to have awakened me to the truth. My next source of information was Aunt Sandra. Sam stayed with me as I phoned her
.
“Aunt Sandra?”
“Claudia? How are you?”
I took a deep breath. “Sandra, I found a certificate that says I’m adopted. What can you tell me?”
I heard the squeak of a chair as she sat down. “I’d been telling them for years that they needed to let you know, but they were so happy, they didn’t want to upset things.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Your mum and dad tried to have babies. It didn’t happen. They tried for years. They were offered the chance to adopt a six month old baby girl and they jumped at it. You were perfect, the little angel they’d prayed for. They kept trying for one of their own, but it never happened.”
“But I have my dad’s eyes…my mum’s hair…” I was crying again, having convinced myself it was a mistake until it was confirmed by Sandra.
“Honey, you have brown eyes and so did your dad…and your mum started dyeing her hair copper when they adopted you. She went as far as hiding all the colour photos from before they adopted you.” Sandra’s words sunk in and I realised something.
“I’ve only ever seen black and white photos of her…what colour was her hair naturally?”
“Blonde.”
“Oh my God, it’s true, isn’t it?”
“Yes, darling.”
“I have to go.”
“Claudia, you have to know, they didn’t want to hurt you.”
I hung up on my aunt, not wanting to hear anymore, knowing that the limited family I thought I held a claim to was not truly mine. Sam pulled me close to him.
“You knew,” I sobbed, “and you never told me.”
“I didn’t know you didn’t know.” Sam kissed the top of my head.
“But you loved me anyway.”
“I do.”
I let his arms wrap around me and envelop me.
“You’re my family now,” I said. I had no-one else left. We fell asleep on the sofa together, his arms cradling me, as I cried tears that outnumbered the lies my parents had told me.