I thanked him for the beer and promised to show at his mother’s house at six o’clock. I had four hours to convince myself it was a good idea.
Chapter 4
It was still not a good idea. Even bearing the gifts of a bottle of wine and box of chocolates, it felt wrong standing on the stoop of the Stewart household. Where once I was like a member of their family, now I couldn’t have felt more of an outsider.
Yet stupid me knocked anyway. My heartbeat pounded in my ears the entire time it took the door to be answered. At least it was Keegan, that was a small mercy.
“Hey, you made it!” He sounded just as surprised as I was.
“I said I would,” I replied with a smile. He whisked me inside and re-introduced me to all his family. His father had long since left the family and Kelly was still in hospital. That only left his mother and oldest sister, Ainsley. Besides a few new wrinkles, neither had really changed much – both female versions of Keegan with blond hair and kind eyes.
“It’s nice to see you all again,” I said, more than overwhelmed with the number of faces staring at me. I had hurt Keegan when I left, I wondered if they still held resentment against me for that.
Mrs. Stewart pulled me into a hug after she had accepted the gifts. It caught me by surprise. “I’m sorry about your daddy, Annie,” she whispered into my ear. Those few words made my eyes sting with tears. Or maybe it was the hug, I don’t know. It had been a long time since someone hugged me without wanting something in return.
When she let me go, I put on the same emotionless mask I had worn for the last ten years. “Thank you, Mrs. Stewart.”
“Call me Iris.” She gave me a warm smile. “Dinner’s ready so let’s get into it before it goes cold.”
We moved to the dining room – a large sprawling table consuming the area. It wasn’t decorated with perfect silverware and fine porcelain plates. Instead, the mismatched crockery and different sized forks told the story of a real family hub. A place where perfect didn’t matter.
Mrs. Stewart had outdone herself with the meal – a roast. Keegan took the honors of carving and serving. Despite the different location, I could easily have been transported back a decade. I fit in so comfortably that it was startling.
Scary.
I wasn’t allowed to have emotions like that anymore. Anne didn’t need a family, she didn’t need to have others around her. The neighbor’s cat was supposed to be enough company.
The Stewarts fell into easy conversation, mainly giving updates about what was going on in their lives. Each of them looked for opportunities to draw me into the conversation and I willingly went when I had something to say.
We didn’t solve of any of the world’s problems over the roast but it didn’t matter. This was what family was like. This was how it felt to be a part of something.
And it terrified me.
If I remembered how loving and beautiful Keegan’s family was, it reminded me what I had missed out on. I once had a mother just as lovely as Mrs. Stewart, if not better. My father used to carve our roast dinners too. All that was lost in the blink of an eye.
We finished the meal with cherry pie, homemade butter cream to accompany it. It beat my usual frozen dinner by a mile. Probably more.
I offered to help with the dishes but Keegan had different ideas. He leant across the seat and whispered in my ear. “Feel like a walk?”
I patted my stomach. “I think I need a run.” He laughed and pulled my chair out for me.
Outside, the air was thick with humidity. The sun had long gone down but the heat was still trapped like New Orleans was stuck in a furnace.
Nothing beat the Louisiana sky though. A million stars twinkled above, teasing us with their beauty, like nothing on earth would ever be able to compare to it. I suspected they were right.
We walked in silence along the streets that had been broken and battered in past years but still remained to fight another day. The words unspoken between Keegan and I were stuck like glue in our throats.
There was so much I wanted to tell him. He didn’t know about Peg and I still felt the sting of humiliation from her treatment. I didn’t want him looking at me with sympathy or disgust. I didn’t need that. It was better if he was left out of that ugly mess.
It was Keegan who broke the silence as we rounded the corner. “My mom was so excited to see you tonight. I’m really glad you came.”
“It was really nice seeing her again,” I replied sincerely. “It’s great that your family is still close even though you all have your own lives now.”
He nodded slowly and kept walking. A park approached on the left and we turned to follow the path in. It wove around gardens and a lake set in the middle of the grounds.
“You know what’s really embarrassing?” he asked. I couldn’t wait to hear this.
“No, I don’t.”
“I had the biggest crush on you when we were kids. I used to want to kiss you so badly.”
I couldn’t find any words to respond. We stopped on the bridge that crossed the lake and rested against the fence, staring out at the moon’s reflection on the water.
“I told you it was embarrassing,” Keegan laughed. It wasn’t his usual chuckle, it held more. Nerves? Regret? I wasn’t sure.
“Would it help if I said I had a crush on you too? I thought we were going to get married one day,” I admitted. I hadn’t meant to, but after his confession, it just seemed right. I couldn’t let him suffer the embarrassment alone.
“Married? Wow. We probably would have been by now if you’d stayed.” It didn’t sound like he was taking a shot at me, but it was the second time he’d mentioned me staying.
I had some explaining to do. “I’m sorry I left without saying anything to you.”
He turned around so he could lean against the fence, half-facing me at the same time. “Why did you leave? I’ve spent so much time trying to work it out. One day you were there, my best friend, and the next… gone. Was it something I did?”
I shook my head, refusing to look at him. “God, Keegan, it was definitely not you. You were the only thing keeping me sane. I had… family problems. I needed to get away and I had to do it quickly.”
“Peg, right?” My head snapped around and he held my gaze. “You could have talked to me about it. I could have helped.”
“You don’t know the details, there’s nothing you could have done.”
He shook his head slightly, barely perceptible to anyone but me. “I saw your bruises, I put two and two together.” Again, I was lost for words. Keegan knew my dirty little secret. I wasn’t sure if I was embarrassed or relieved. “I told my mom, you know. I told her something was wrong.”
“You did?” How did I not know so much when it happened right around me?
“She said we could go to the police or some department that helped kids. We were about to and then you just… disappeared.” He paused. I could feel his eyes drilling into me but my gaze remained fixed on the rippled water. “We went anyway and they said they would look into it. I saw two cops visit your house that day but nothing happened. I didn’t even know whether you were alive or not.”
I never imagined anything happening after I left. A part of me, the part Peg had fostered, thought nobody would even notice I was gone. I should have known better.
“Thank you,” I whispered, there were truly the only words I could say.
“I’m sorry I didn’t stop her. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
“Don’t. There’s nothing for you to apologize for. You were only fifteen at the time too, remember?”
He looked up at the sky, sighing. I smiled, because he always used to do the same thing when he didn’t know what to say. It was like he tried to find all the answers in amongst the stars.
Finally, his gaze returned to me. We locked eyes, and for that moment, we didn’t need words. Like some supernatural force drew us closer, we leaned in.
My stomach fluttered with a million butterflies but I w
asn’t sure if it was a smart thing to do. His lips crushed onto mine, and suddenly all thoughts completely vanished.
There was nothing except me, Keegan, and a kiss that was a lifetime in the making. The warmth of his hands on my hips made my skin burn. I flushed with the intensity of his lips, greedily pressed upon my own.
I had imagined kissing Keegan so many times before. The scenario had played out in my dreams in a thousand different ways. But this way, standing in the moonlight, was by far my favorite.
But it was wrong. I was a disease that infected everyone that encountered me. I couldn’t do that to Keegan, he deserved so much better. I had no right or business kissing him.
I pulled back and met his eyes for just a second before I turned and started running.
“Annie, wait!” I ignored him. I made sure my footsteps were faster than his as I expanded the gap between us. All I was thinking about was getting myself as far away from him as possible.
Only then would he be safe.
Chapter 5
Peg didn’t cry at the funeral. She sat in the church pew and stared straight ahead. I always suspected she was incapable of emotion but I thought it only extended to me. Now, she couldn’t even muster a tear for my father.
Everyone pandered to her. They gave all their sympathies and condolences to her. Perhaps she told everyone I didn’t exist anymore. It had been ten years, perhaps I was nothing more than an unwelcome ghost.
By the time the church ceremony was over, I was ready to pull out my eyeballs just so I didn’t have to see her again. But I needed to stay stronger for a little while more. Once my father was in the ground, I would never have to see her again. I would make sure of it.
We walked to the second part of the ceremony where a crypt had been opened in preparation. At least Peg had sprung for a decent final resting place. Or perhaps my father had pre-purchased it. That was more likely. Peg liked nice things, which meant she liked money.
The priest started up again as I hung at the back. It was hard enough seeing the coffin and knowing my father was inside, that I would never be able to make peace with him again. It was a whole new level of pain seeing that coffin buried permanently.
A hand slid into mine. My head snapped around to see who it belonged to.
Keegan.
I should have known nobody else would dare get close to me. He squeezed my hand but didn’t say a word. He knew he didn’t have to. Keegan being there was a mistake, but it was exactly what I needed at that moment.
The door of the crypt finally closed as the priest muttered his final words, like we were watching a perfectly synchronized performance.
I could finally breathe again, it was over. I had come to New Orleans to bury my father and it was over. There was nothing keeping me there now.
Keegan leaned down to whisper in my ear as people started disbursing. “Are you going back to Peg’s house?”
Shaking my head, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being holed up in my childhood home with the non-grieving widow.
“How about we send your father off in style then?” I wasn’t sure what he meant but his sparkling eyes told me it wouldn’t be the austere occasion that it should be. I found myself nodding before I could change my mind.
Keegan drove us to Parson’s Ridge. It was a small hill that overlooked the ocean. It was also a place my father used to take me to fly kites when I was little. The footprints of my past were all over the place.
“What are we doing here?” I asked.
“Giving your dad the send off he deserves,” Keegan replied as he reached into the backseat of the car. He pulled out a bottle of Baileys and held it up proudly. It was my father’s favorite. Keegan obviously noticed a lot more than I thought he did when we were younger.
We found a place on the hill that felt like the very top of the city. The waves of the ocean below rolled over like they didn’t care who had died. We sat, each taking a swig of the Baileys. It burned my throat all the way down to my stomach.
Keegan held the bottle up to the sky. “Goodbye Mr. Edwards. You always tried to give me advice about your daughter and I never listened to it. It was very nice of you though. Rest in peace.”
Despite myself, I could help but laugh. I didn’t want to know what kind of advice my father had dispensed to Keegan. It might have been too traumatic.
He held the bottle out to me. I took it and followed his lead with raising it to the sky. All the laughter was gone when I pictured my father and what I wanted to say to him. There was so much.
Finally, all I could do was speak the truth. “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry we spent so many years apart. Thank you for always unwinding my kite string.”
Keegan gave me a weird look for the last part but I just shrugged and offered him the bottle again. We went back and forth all afternoon, sharing memories that I thought had been long forgotten.
The longer we sat there, the louder we got. We took it in turns to tell stories about our childhood and all the mischief we got up to. I had forgotten about most of the things Keegan brought up.
It was all fun and games until my sudden departure was mentioned. It jolted me back to reality. The fact I was someone who hurt people. Kind, funny, smart people like Keegan.
I was poison.
“You know why I had to leave,” I started, trying to think clearly in my alcohol induced haze. “And you bring it up again? Today? Now?”
“Annie, I didn’t mean—”
“No, I get it.” I stood up, wiping the stray grass from my backside. “It’s not something you’re ever going to forgive. Just one more stupid thing Annie Edwards did. You know what? Forget about me. Forget about everything.”
Keegan stood too, grabbing my wrist as I turned away. “Annie, stop—”
“Don’t call me that. I’m not Annie anymore. I’m Anne, you don’t know me.” Not anymore.
“Don’t tell me who you are, because I know. I know better than anyone else who you really are. And it’s not this.” His eyes blazed with intensity. For a moment I was terrified he was going to kiss me again. “You can’t hold onto this pain. You have to let it go or it’s going to kill you. It’s time.”
I stared at him, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. For just a moment, it all then started to make sense. He wanted me to forgive Peg, lay my past to rest and move on.
Which all sounded great in theory, but the reality was too difficult to process. “And you would know, huh? You, with your perfect family and your perfect life? You don’t know me Keegan so don’t pretend that you do.”
“Ugh. Why can’t you listen? Your past doesn’t define you anymore than it defines me. You need to see what an amazing woman you are. I saw it when you were fifteen and I see it again now. It’s there. You just have to see it.”
I don’t think it was only the alcohol confusing me. Keegan was stirring up all kinds of emotions and thoughts that I wasn’t ready for. Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead and every little sound caused me to flinch.
So, in true Annie Edwards style, I ripped my wrist from his hand and ran away. I didn’t even look back. If I did, I knew I would see Keegan, surrounded by the fading sun, standing on the hill like a hero. I knew that would be my undoing.
Chapter 6
Waking up with a hangover was one thing. Having to haul yourself to a crowded airport and taking a packed flight elevated it to a whole new level.
I put my head back on the seat, trying to ignore the people on both sides of me. The engines were humming loudly, vibrating through my pounding head. A part of me knew all the pain wasn’t caused by the alcohol. My argument with Keegan had been a special kind of self induced trauma.
We couldn’t touch down soon enough but we eventually did. I made my way back to my apartment and closed the door on the world again. I would never go back to New Orleans, never again. Not even for a million dollars.
Keegan was wrong. Looking around at my tiny home and meager possessions, I knew there
was nothing amazing about me. I lived my life in a way that I could take off again in an instant. Everything I owned would fit into the largest suitcase I had. That didn’t scream amazing, that screamed… frightened.
Disconnected.
Lonely.
Keegan had made me forget about my real life, for just a little while. Every moment spent with him made me believe I was something different. Someone else.
He made me feel like Annie again. Not the one tainted by her ugly stepmother, but the one I used to be before it all happened. The carefree little girl who believed in unicorns with purple bows and searched rainbows for pots of gold. I had forgotten about her.
But to survive, I needed to forget about her again.
Routine, that’s what I needed. I unpacked to remove any traces I had been somewhere and pulled out my laptop to check my work emails. That was something Anne would do, it was safe and kept my mind busy.
There were only the usual emails waiting for me. Someone needed to cancel their flight, another couple wanted to book an additional night in their hotel, a new policy was being implemented with the phone system. It was all stuff easily dealt with when I returned to the office.
After that was catching up on some television. I focused intently on the storylines, making sure no memories came creeping back into my consciousness. Considering I had managed it for so long, one night should have been a breeze.
The next morning, I went in early to work, because I was no longer as good as distracting myself as I was before my trip. Despite needing to say goodbye to my father, a part of me wished I had never gone back home again.
My colleagues started to file into the agency once it grew closer to opening time. Everyone was buzzing about what they did over the weekend. I normally volunteered for all weekend shifts. It wasn’t like I had anything else to do, and the overtime rates helped.
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