by Rachel Hauck
Like in the atmosphere of the Fence & Anchor, Regina blended in, enjoying the food, talking with the people, joining in the shouting during the final minutes of a rugby match.
She was truly one of them. Tanner couldn’t explain it exactly, but heaven above, she felt Hessen to him. Sure, she still spoke like an American Southerner and refused to be called Your Majesty, but she was one of the people.
A mental picture of her laughing, recounting the story of the redheaded man-woman dancing juggler to Jarvis and Serena, flashed across his mind and made him chuckle down in his chest. Her Southern accent grew thick when she was telling a story.
“Tanner thinks he is protecting me from the people getting riled up because Seamus is on TV, talking about the entail and the EU court petition. So we run outside into this minefield of photographers. But did they want to see me? Heck no. They came to see the redheaded he-she dancing juggler.” Her laugh rang through Tanner’s memory. “The waitress must have tipped them off.”
After that, Regina moseyed into the kitchen to tell the chef and the maid like they were . . . family. Y’all, listen to this . . .
Tanner didn’t have to inquire of Jarvis how it was going with the princess. He could see it written all over the man’s face. He adored her. They all did.
But today his thoughts were not on Regina—he appreciated the emotional distance—but on the party about to commence up at Estes Estates.
Should he go? No! How could he? He and Trude had a deal.
Focusing on the sports presenter, Tanner tried to care more about rugby scores than blonde, ten-year-old twins, but with each tick-tock of the clock, his heart wrestled with his decision.
Tanner upped the volume on the telly. Blimey. He had to get the party off his mind. He paced to the window and peered down to the street. What did he see? A large bouquet of party balloons floating past.
Well, he was not going to that blasted birthday party.
The clock tick-tocked.
Fine. Fine. He’d go. Tanner fired down the hall to change.
His life was fine. Steady. Manageable. His sins forgiven and stuffed into a very dark closet.
Then his king sent him on a journey. And somehow the buried and hidden became exposed and confronted his solitude, his shallow substitute for living.
In his closet, Tanner yanked a pair of tan slacks from a hanger and selected a blue shirt. What was it Regina said about him Thursday? He was a zero-to-sixty sort of bloke? At the moment, he certainly felt like something akin to a zero-to-sixty g-force was squeezing his heart.
Changing before he could consider what he was actually about to do, Tanner slipped on his loafers, grabbed his keys, and left his flat with the lights on and telly still blaring.
Halfway down the street he realized he had no gift. What did one bring to ten-year-old twin girls?
At the moment, he could think of nothing. Well, nothing he could purchase on a Sunday afternoon.
Sunday afternoons in Hessenberg clung to the old ways. Quiet, restful, most if not all of the shops closed, dozing in the afternoon sun.
In truth, Britta and Bella would have more presents than they could enjoy for the day, or the year for that matter. Why pile on one more from the derelict father they’d not remember anyway?
Driving north toward Estes Estates, a fifteenth-century manor in the highlands, Tanner absorbed the light and sounds of the afternoon, calming his anxieties, studying the bank of white clouds drifting across a crisp, clear river of blue as the edge of the sun crested the mountaintops.
What a perfect party day.
Tanner rehearsed what he’d say to Trude, to her parents. To the girls. Should he have a chance to speak to them. But his words sounded thin and hollow.
The road bent around the mountain, then flattened, cutting through the plains toward the estate. Downshifting, Tanner slowed at the entrance. He parked on the lawn, the last car in a row of many. Frankly, he was surprised the Esteses didn’t hire valet service for the day.
He stared at the stone house with its pitched and peaked rooftop, multiple chimneys, and turrets, wondering what waited for him beyond the door. There was only one way to find out. Tanner hauled in a deep breath and moved toward the manor.
The butler answered the door, wearing a pink party hat. “Welcome. Do come in.” He offered Tanner a hat, but he passed.
“You’ll find the family out on the lawn. Do you need me to show you the way?”
“No, thank you. I remember.” Trude lived here, with her parents, when she was pregnant.
Adjusting his jacket, Tanner started down the hall, working his way toward the back of the house through side rooms and short passageways. The lawn was dotted with white-linen-covered tables centered with bursting bouquets of flowers, colorful tea sets, and a gaggle of girls sipping tea, wearing pastel-colored dresses and matching gloves. An equal number of adults clustered on the party perimeter, teacups and saucers in hand, bent together in conversation. Tanner spotted his parents talking to the Trusdales—old and good friends from Dad’s first parish. A stage sat on the far end of the party with a banner flying overhead. Meant2Be.
Good grief, Trude. They’re ten.
Meant2Be was a very popular boy band on the cusp of gaining international fame. How did she wrangle booking them? And how was the place not mobbed with paparazzi and screaming teens?
Scanning the group of girls for the twins, Tanner’s eyes landed on Trude. Beautiful as ever in a cut-out-of-a-magazine way. Perfect hair. Perfect dress with matching shoes. She was lively and charming, impeccably stylish.
He followed her as she moved through the tables, then knelt beside two girls. Since he could only see the backs of their heads, he could only guess they were Bella and Britta. His throat constricted. His heart raced, drawing his chest tight. He wanted to leave, get in his car, and race down the hill for home.
But he’d miraculously mustered the courage to get this far, so he might as well see it through.
Trude was on the move again, meeting a man in the middle of the thoroughfare between the tables, slipping her arm through his as she tossed back her head with a laugh.
Strange, Tanner didn’t know the man to be her husband, Reese.
He bent to kiss her and she most assuredly kissed him back. It was then Tanner had a hint as to why Trude invited him here today. She had a new man in her life.
Leaving his preview spot, Tanner stepped outside to the porch.
Trude glanced toward the house, caught sight of him, and waved, smiling.
“You came,” she said, stepping onto the porch, taking his hands in hers and kissed his cheek. “I was nervous you’d not show.”
The man she’d been with trailed behind her and introduced himself.
“Evan Downy.”
“Tanner Burkhardt.”
“Tanner,”—Trude glanced at Evan—“we’re engaged.”
“How does your husband feel about that?”
She chortled. “Oh, Tanner, very droll. But, shh, lower your voice.” Trude steered him inside with an over-the-shoulder comment to Evan. “We’ve not told the girls. Darling, we’ll be in the library.”
Tanner walked beside her in silence. Can’t wait to hear this story.
In the library, the sunlight streamed in through the high, arched windows, warming the room and making the ancient walls seem youthful.
Tanner chose a chair, intending to sit back and listen, let Trude tell her story. But when she closed the library doors, he fired the first question. “What’s this rubbish? Engaged? Where’s Reese?”
“I meant to call you, let you know, we divorced last year.” Trude hovered on the edge of the library, by the doors.
“Divorced?” He fired up from his chair and crossed over to her. “What happened to the happy, cohesive family? The stable environment in which to raise the girls?”
“That’s part of why you’re here, Tanner.” She moved around him, choosing a chair.
“Trude, you begged me to step o
ut of their lives because you wanted Reese to be their dad. You said I was confusing them. Not you. Not Reese. But me. The part-time dad. The Wednesday and every-other-weekend dad.”
“Yes, I know that’s what I said.” She shot him an exasperated look.
“You brought in your parents, Reese’s parents, a child psychologist, all to tell me how unstable it was for them to be jerked around from my place to yours. How they had one mum but two dads.”
“I’m fully aware of what I said, Tanner.”
“Are you? Because divorce doesn’t seem to be the so-called stable environment you begged me to give the girls. If I’d bow out of their lives and let Reese be the dad they so dearly loved and deserved, how grand their lives would be. So emotionally stable.”
“I still say I was right. The girls were confused when they returned from being with you.”
“They were two. Of course they were confused. And it didn’t help that you insisted they call Reese ‘Da-da.’ You contributed to their troubles, Trude.” There, he’d finally said it. Only took eight years.
“I was young . . . Tanner. Reese wanted to be their dad.”
“But I was, am, their dad! And you were not that young. Twenty-six is plenty mature.” Tanner moved toward her in one hard stride, his feelings, his long-buried words fighting to reach the surface. “Now you tell me Reese is out and Evan is in?”
“Tanner, Reese and I tried counseling, but we weren’t working. We were so young when we got married—”
“Stop with the excuses.”
“I’m not making excuses. I’m trying to explain. We weren’t happy, you see. We were miserable.”
“Pardon me if I have no sympathy when I sacrificed my happiness for the girls. You and Reese couldn’t see your way through to do the same?” He turned around to the window, the sunlight fueling his anger.
“Don’t lecture me, Tanner Burkhardt. Reese and I limped along for several years, but the marriage was over. To be honest, I don’t care to go round about this with you. I invited you today so you could see the girls and, yes, to tell you I am marrying Evan. We’re moving to America for a few years.”
“America? Blimey, Trude, what does any of this have to do with me? Why do I need to know what you’re doing with the girls? I’m out of their lives.” He gestured in the direction of the party. “I’ve not seen them in eight years. So tell me why I’m really here.”
“I thought you had a right to know. About Reese and, well, everything.” She stood, smoothing the skirt of her dress and moving toward her father’s desk. “Don’t make a case out of it, Tanner. People divorce. Life goes on.”
“What do the girls think? How are they getting on?”
“They are typical preteens, Tanner. Innocent and giddy one moment, crying over a trivial squabble the next.” She flipped her hand in the air as if it was all so, so droll and ordinary. “They adore Evan, by the way. And he them.”
“Naturally. What about Reese? Where’s he in all of this?” Tanner covered the space between them and lightly gripped her arms, not caring if it startled her a bit. “I let you take them from me, Trude, endured the scorn of my parents, my family, and my friends because you and your cohorts convinced me, dare I say manipulated me, into believing the twins would fare much better with one set of parents. You and Reese. You swore to me he was the love of your life, that you’d never divorce him. Because that was the only way I’d agree. You promised me he adored the girls as if they were his own. So I walked away. Much to my own regret. And now you take this tone with me when I want to know what’s going on?”
She jerked her arms free. “It’s not like they’re children, Tanner.”
“They are children. Ten is still a child.”
“They are mature enough to understand relationships change. It’s not like they were born into a perfect situation, a perfect family.” She rolled her eyes at him. “We were never even in love. We didn’t start dating until after I was pregnant.”
“But we were making our role as parents work.”
Despite his rebuttal, Tanner knew she was right. The girls’ introduction to this world was fractured from the get-go.
Their parents were a couple of fools who let a weekend holiday take them where they never intended to go.
In truth, if he turned the mirror of accusation he held up to Trude toward himself, Tanner bore the same amount of guilt as she. Maybe more.
As much as he loved his girls, there was a small part of him that wanted relief from single parenting, from the pain of missing them when he dropped them off at Trude’s. Knowing that every day he wasn’t with them, he missed some beautiful part of their lives and who they were becoming.
First words? He missed them. Trude regaled him with the tale of how they said “Mum-Mum” when he came to pick them up for his weekend. By then, they’d been talking for several days.
First steps? Happened while they were on vacation with her parents in Italy. By the time Tanner picked them up for his holiday with them, they were practically marathon runners.
“. . . so you see,” Trude was saying, “it’s all for the best. Evan is a good man. I’m so much wiser now than when I married Reese.”
Tanner released a bit of his anger and untangled his emotions from the stale, old guilt. “What do the girls say of this marriage and move to America?”
“We’re waiting until after the party to tell them. Evan found out about the job last week. It was then that he proposed and I said yes.”
“What does Reese say about you hopping over the pond with his girls?” The words his girls tasted like bitter herbs.
“Here’s the thing, Tanner.” Trude slipped her hand in her pocket and retrieved a pack of cigarettes, popping one out of the crumpled pack. She gave Tanner a sheepish look. “Can you believe it,”—she held up the cigarette—“after all these years? But I am trying to quit. I am. Well, no matter. Where was I? Right. The girls are set to enter Scarborough next year, my alma mater, as well as my mother’s and grandmother’s. Their closest friends, the Exleys, Thorndikes, and Hathaways, are also entering Scarborough next year.”
“Your point?”
She tapped the end of the cigarette against her hand. “Tanner, when Reese left, he left. Me, the girls, everything. He’s not seen them in a year and a half.” She stared at one of the bookcases. “He said the girls were not really his, and if he was moving on with his life, he didn’t need the burden of another man’s children.”
Her confession hung in the room, absorbing all the light, eating the air. Tanner dropped to the nearest chair. He had no words. No retort. So this was how it felt to be completely broken.
“I should have never asked you to leave their lives, Tanner.” Trude sat on the edge of a low table and faced him. “I was idyllic and foolish. Reese was jealous of you. I’m sure you knew. We fought every time you came round. He’s the one who started the bit about the girls needing a one-mum, one-dad family, and I fell for it.” She looked frail and tattered, beaten. “You do believe me, don’t you?”
He fixed on the pattern of the carpet. “I’ve lost eight years with my girls, Trude. Your confession can never bring them back.”
She hardened, collecting her defenses. “I’m not so sure you didn’t count it as a relief, Tanner. Letting someone else do your job. I daresay it’s how you let us finally convince you.”
“Stop.” He wouldn’t let her put any of her own burden on him. “I struggled, but I never wanted another man to raise my girls. You convinced me that letting go would make their lives easier. More emotionally healthy.”
Trude finally lit the cigarette. “Don’t tell my father.” She held up the cigarette, fanning away the small tendrils of smoke drifting through the swath of sunlight. “He’d kill me for smoking in his precious library. Here’s the thing, Tanner. Not what we did in the past but what we can do now, for the future, and the matter of Scarborough.”
“What of it? You said the girls were set.”
“Well, yes, but
not if we’re in America. Evan’s assignment is for a minimum of three years. Scarborough is a day school until the girls are fourteen, then they can board, but until then, they need to live with someone.”
Ah. The picture was becoming clear.
“Evan leaves for America in January, so we thought we’d marry over Christmas.” She smiled at him, dashing out her cigarette after only a few puffs. “If the girls go with us, they’ll miss their final semester at Trinity. Which is fine, I suppose, but they do need to be prepared to enter Scarborough next fall.”
“Trude, what are you suggesting?”
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be out with it. Tanner, will you take the girls?”
“Excuse me?” he fired away from his perch. “Take them where?”
“To live with you, of course.” Her smile reflected her polished charm. “I know it’s a lot to ask, enormous really. But it would mean so much to Evan and me.”
“What happened to taking them with you? Being a cohesive family?”
“I know, I know. But the girls deserve to stay in school with their friends. I don’t want to give them a new stepdad and a new life in a foreign country all at once.”
“Then don’t. Stay here. You don’t have to go to America, Trude.”
“Oh, you and your simplicity.” She went around the polished desk with intricate carvings on the corners and legs. “Evan has waited five years for this job. If he doesn’t take it, his career is stalled. He cannot turn it down just because he’s fallen in love with me.”
“Why not? Am I the only one required to sacrifice my heart for someone else’s happiness?” He sounded a bit bitter, and he didn’t care. “You get what you want all the time, but I get to be sacrificed.”
“You just said yourself—”
“I gave up my daughters, Trude.” He leaned toward her, tapping his chest. “And it killed me. I’ve lived with the guilt and shame ever since.”
“Then why in heaven’s name did you do it?”
“For their happiness and stability. Or so I believed.” He jammed his hands in his pockets. How could he have been such a fool? “If anyone was young and unwise, it was me. To let you talk me into giving up the girls. Now you tell me it was because Reese was jealous?”