I'm with You

by Maynard, Glenna

  Chapter 18

  December

  The snow is coming down hard. I haven’t seen it snow like this probably since I was in the eighth grade. The local news station is reporting up to a foot is estimated to fall over the next three days. Thankfully they have called off classes. I wasn’t looking forward to trying to drive to campus, even if it is a short distance. I am glad for the snow day; I really need to work on my brochure for my photography class.

  The fist page I have a beautiful panoramic photo of the campus in the center. The natural light was downcast just enough to give an inviting feeling. I list general information, the name of the school, the address, websites, phone numbers ect. On the second page I have a collage of my pictures from the library shoot with Hurley and Brianna.

  They are thrilled at the idea that this brochure could be picked to be handed out to potential future students during spring when high school students come from all around for tours of the University.

  On the third page Brianna let me take a snap shot of her dorm room. I also feature a picture of the campus café, while showcasing the picnic area outdoors. On the fourth page, I list various activities, and clubs students may be interested in participating in. Then on the fifth and final page I showcase things about the town that may appeal to students to make them want to live here. I have a beautiful picture of the falls and mention briefly that many students enjoy taking in the local wildlife and walking the trails.

  I think I spend a total of six hours working non- stop on the damn project, except for the occasional bathroom break and cigarette. Photoshop is my friend. I really need to improve on my technique and utilizing natural light and shadows. I am about to fall asleep on my laptop when Cutter abruptly comes banging on my door.

  “Hurry up and get dressed — warmly. Hurley and Brianna are downstairs waiting in his truck. We are going sledding.”

  “You do realize that it is 25 degrees outside and dark right?” I roll my neck around popping and cracking my shoulder muscles to relieve some of the stress from sitting and staring at my computer screen all day.

  “Yeah, and your point is? Come on woman we have inner tubes to race.”

  I rise from the couch and do a little stretching and yawning. “Okay I am getting my ass in gear.” I rush to my room and put on a pair of pantyhose. Next I add a tank top, two pairs of socks, a thermal, jeans, and an oversized hooded sweatshirt. I slip into my boots and grab some gloves and a toboggan from my hall closet.

  Brianna is pressed up against Hurley inside of the cab of the truck. I peek in the bed of the truck and sure enough they have sleds and inner tubes strapped down. I have to admit that part of me is really excited to go play in the snow. Cutter gets in the truck next to Brianna and I have to sit in his lap. Good thing the roads are bad enough not even the cops are out. We would get slapped with a huge fine for sure. Hurley has chains on the tires of his pick up even though it is four wheel drive.

  “So where are we headed?” I ask with curiosity, because there aren’t many great places to go that aren’t on private land.

  Brianna tells me that we are going to Firestone Construction. It is an abandoned property that was bought to be strip mined but the company tanked before they ever touched the land. I have to agree that it is the perfect spot. There are enough rolling hills and open spaces we can have a great time.

  There is a huge clearing in the center of the property, so like all boys with big trucks Hurley wants to do donuts. “Better hold on tight girls, don’t want either of you flying through the windshield.” Hurley laughs as he revs his engine. Then he really gives it the gas before fishtailing us.

  He stops for a minute to pop open a can of beer, but not before reaching us all one. I don’t condone drinking and driving, but we are young, dumb and free. What the hell, you only live once right? We all agree on a hill to sled down. The guys decide to turn it into a competition to see who can make it to the bottom the quickest. Imagine that. Brianna and I watch from the sidelines nursing our beers.

  This is exactly what I should be doing, out enjoying the world with great friends. I still love Harlan, I miss him everyday. But now a big part of me thinks that just maybe it is okay to open my heart up and allow Cutter to have a place in it as well.

  It doesn’t necessarily mean that I love Harlan any less. It is days like these that I don’t feel the poison taking over my life. I feel like maybe there can be life after Harlan. That maybe everything doesn’t have to be all in vain.

  I am broken from my epiphany by Cutter tackling me into a pile of snow. “Babe your nose is cold, how about another beer to warm you up.”

  Cutter goes down to the truck to get me another drink and comes back with fireworks instead.

  “Woo, hell yeah,” Hurley calls out ending in a belch. Eww, glad I am not Brianna having to kiss that mouth.

  “Real attractive,” Brianna smacks at him playfully as he grabs her by the waist and twirls her around.

  The guys are such little boys when it comes to the fire crackers. Their eyes light up like Christmas as they shoot off the roman candles.

  I walk down to the truck to get a cigarette and a beer. I check the time on my cell phone it is nearly one a.m. I am feeling tipsy but exhausted at the same time. I look up the hill at my friends running around in the snow having a snowball fight under the glow of the moon. Life couldn’t be any better in this moment. I finally feel freed somewhat. Maybe it is the beer talking, but maybe I want more than a year.

  Drunken Cutter has very loose lips. He has told me in my ear he loves me twice now on the ride home. I am going to blame it on the alcohol. How can he possibly think he loves me? I have always heard that people tell the truth when they are drunk, but whoever came up with the saying has got to be sadly mistaken.

  Drunken Cutter is also very touchy feely, which I like, a lot. He is trying so hard to break through the layers of clothes I am wearing and it is so cute that he is pissed about it and pouting.

  Cutter gives the keys to his apartment to Brianna and Hurley for the night. The roads are getting pretty slick and with how much we have all been drinking they don’t need to be on the roads anymore tonight. I take my sloppy, loose lipped, kind of boyfriend home with me. He is passed out on my couch before I even get his boots off of his feet.

  Ugh, he is like dead weight. It takes me nearly a half hour to undress him from his wet clothes. I run down to his apartment, before Hurley and Brianna pass out or start doing other things, so I can grab Cutter some dry clothes.

  I grab a t-shirt and ball shorts that are lying on his bed. I open up his dresser to find some socks, but all I am finding in this drawer is his boxer briefs. I open the second drawer and jackpot, socks. But socks aren’t the only thing I find in his drawer. There are papers about his sisters disappearance, newspaper clippings, have you seen this child posters. There is a manila file, but I don’t want to intrude on his privacy anymore than I have already, so I snap the drawer shut and say goodnight to Brianna and Hurley.

  Waking up the next morning in Cutter’s arms is such a good feeling, I feel safe. I have been weeks now without any contact or vibes from Harlan. Am I moving on and letting part of him go, or is it the increase in my medication doing its job? Was I imagining everything that was happening with Harlan? Did I create it all within my mind because I yearned so deeply for him?

  “Morning beautiful,” Cutter grumbles in my ear, hugging me closer.

  “How are you feeling? My head is pounding. I need caffeine.” I roll out from under his hold on me. “I like to have never gotten you in the bed with me last night and you were snoring something vicious.”

  “At least I don’t sleep with eyes half open like I am dead,” he yawns and throws a pillow at me. “How did I get into these clothes?”

  I tell him all about his passing out on the couch on me and how I was thoughtful enough to go to his place to get him clean, dry clothes. Instead of saying thank you he seems irritated that I was in his apartment.

&n
bsp; “Why were you in my drawers Bella? What did you see?” I can’t tell if it is anger or hurt that is flashing in his eyes, but the look he just gave me is pissing me off.

  “Damn, Cutter. I didn’t touch anything. A simple thank you would suffice. I’m not some nosy ass snoop. I didn’t touch your things. Just your underwear and socks.” I cross my arms over my chest, asshole. I don’t wait for a response. Instead I stomp my way into the kitchen and start my coffee maker. Fuck that, I didn’t do anything wrong.

  “I didn’t mean to give you a death glare honest. I have a surprise for you for Christmas, I was just afraid you may have seen it when you were in my drawers is all.” He crosses the room and hugs my waist from behind, resting his head on my shoulder. “I don’t want to fight with you, okay?”

  “You mentioned a surprise. That may soften me up some.” I bat my lashes at him trying to be seductive while begging with my eyes.

  “Oh no you don’t, it doesn’t work like that.”

  “But you did say that you love me last night. And if you love me you want me to be happy right?” I pout my bottom lip out at him.

  “I said that last night?” he looks confused, like he is concentrating so hard on remembering. I could use this fact to my advantage and screw with him. But I figure I had better quit while I am ahead.

  “It was really cute. It’s okay Cutter, you love me no need to be embarrassed. I mean I am pretty loveable.” I give him a naughty wink and go back to making my coffee. Cutter starts to add more to the conversation, but there is a knock at my door before he is able to get the words out.

  “Please tell me you have coffee,” Brianna comes into the kitchen massaging her temples. Have you looked outside this morning, it really is a winter wonderland.”

  I hand her the cup I had just poured for myself and go look out the window in the hall outside of my door that overlooks the parking lot. Dang, I can barely make out the shape of my car. Looks like Hurley and Brianna might be stuck with us for at least another day, until the salt trucks have ran and cleared the main roads.

  I am supposed to have a session with Dr. Peters this morning, but there is no way I can make it to his office, I receive a text from him that he wants me to call him. Cutter is going to his place for a bit to shower and change. Hurley goes with Cutter to his apartment. I think he needs a little space fro Brianna she sticks to his side like glue.

  Brianna is making use of my bathroom, so I tell her I am going to my room for a bit that I have some finishing touches to put on my brochure project before I email the finished product to my professor.

  Locking my bedroom door I turn my flat screen on that hangs on the wall across from my bed. I don’t want Brianna to hear me on the phone with my shrink. The walls in these apartments are paper thin. I open my closet, sit in the floor and call Alex. I tell him about the epiphany I had last night about my medication and my feelings towards my situation with Harlan.

  We talk about my being able to accept that Harlan is gone and whether or not I live a happy and full life or a sad and miserable existence can never change the fact that he is gone and never coming back. Our call ends on a good note with him telling me how proud he is of the progress I have made these past few months. He says we will discuss my taking my relationship with Cutter to the official boyfriend level during my next session.

  I wish we could have phone sessions more often. It was so much easier talking to him through the phone than it is face to face.

  Chapter 19

  The weather has given us a reprieve and the snow is slowly melting away. Cutter hasn’t brought up the l- word since he was drunk and I don’t want to force the topic on him, but I think I am falling for him too. I haven’t been back to the falls since my therapy session with my camera. But I want to talk to Harlan. I want to tell him how I feel about Cutter. I can only hope that his soul is at rest and that he will be happy that I am deciding to get my act together and take advantage of all the opportunities before me.

  I have decided that I no longer want to be a professional photographer; I enjoy doing it as a hobby so much more than a career. I guess that is the great thing about college, you find out who you are, who you want to be during these years. I don’t know what I want to do with my life right now, but I am happy to be here still.

  I dress in my favorite orange cashmere sweater, my black leggings and black Ugg boots with the fur trim around the top. I leave my hair down in loose tendrils. I make my eyes smoky and leave my lips nude. Is it weird that I got dressed up to go talk to my dead boyfriend? It is isn’t it?

  I get in my car and light up a cigarette before pulling out. I turn on the heat and turn on the radio while I am waiting for the car to heat up. I only have my literature class today and it doesn’t start until three. I am so glad I only have another week of classes before winter break. My car warms up and I am finished with my cigarette, so I start my drive to the falls. I seen on the news that the bridge has finally been repaired, but they do advise everyone stays clear until after winter because of the weather we have had.

  My talk with Harlan can’t wait that long though. Parking my car, I wrap my black scarf around my neck and put on the matching gloves. Taking the trail I have walked so many days before, I take my time. The rocks and ground is slick from all of the snow we have recently had. Falling right now and busting my ass is not on my to do list. I find myself wishing I had brought my camera with me. There is a beautiful Cardinal perched on a nearby pine tree. The red really pops with the snow covered limbs behind him.

  The picture would have made an awesome Christmas gift for my Gram. That is how she is, she’d much rather have a picture taken by me than something store bought. I find my way onto the bridge that has held so much meaning to me. I thought once that it held the end of my life, but now I know it held the beginning. Cutter and I met here for a reason. Maybe Harlan wanted me to meet Cutter. Maybe that is why he kept pulling me here, so our paths would cross.

  “Harlan,” I whisper his name into the wind and smile as his name leaves my lips. “I miss you — I do. But that isn’t why I am here today. I want to talk to you about Cutter. I never thought I would be telling you this, but I think I am falling in love with him. I actually think that you would like him if you really knew him. He’s good for me. He understands me in ways that you never did. I will always love you Harlan, but I think maybe it is time I say goodbye. I know that I need to let you go for both of us.” I actually feel good about saying goodbye; I never thought it would be possible for me to feel this way. I never thought I would last this long without Harlan by my side. I just hope he doesn’t feel like I have replaced him. I will never forget him; he will always own a piece of my heart.

  I take the envelope that holds what is left of my paper daisies, and pour the contents out over the edge of the bridge and into the falls. “Goodbye Harlan,” I press my fingers to my lips and blow him one last kiss.

  **

  I take a seat on the chaise in Dr. Peter’s office. “You look good Bella; it is good to see you smiling so much.”

  “Well Alex, I have had a revelation and I think you will be extremely proud when I tell you what I have accomplished on my own. I have direction in my life again. I owe you huge thanks. You have helped me more than you know. I am going to drop out of my photography class; I only want to keep pursuing it as a hobby. I am still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I have my whole life to figure that part out.”

  I take a sip from my coffee that Cutter made me this morning. There is nothing like his special brew, as he calls it. A grin forms on my mouth as I think of him and how we spent our morning. And the things he persuaded me into doing in return for my coffee.

  “These are all good things Bella. It looks like you are putting in the work towards building a successful future. I hope you understand though that this doesn’t mean you can stop taking your medication or stop coming to our sessions.”

  “Oh, totally. I promise. But none of this is what I wanted to tell
you. I did it, I let Harlan go. I went to the falls on my own and I told him goodbye.”

  I continue to tell him that I am falling for Cutter and how I finally feel like I am okay with the fact that my life with Harlan is over. I now know that I need to concentrate on the here and now. Not what was or what I felt should have been. Dr. Peters tells me that he is comfortable with only seeing me once a month after the first of the year. His office is going to be closed for the holidays, but he doesn’t want me to hesitate to call if I need him.

  **

  Christmas break has officially begun. I am meeting up with Brianna to go shopping for presents for the guys. I still have no idea what to buy for Cutter. I mean how do you put the words I love you into a box and wrap them up?

  Brianna is getting Hurley a watch. A watch is nice, but it just doesn’t fit for what I want to say to Cutter. I want to take the summer to go backpacking across Europe, maybe I could buy Cutter a ticket to come with me. What could be more romantic than traveling half way across the world together? I want to take a balloon ride over the French countryside and maybe skydiving while I am there too. I still want to work on my list.

  I know summer is a long ways off, but I think it will show him that I care about him and plan on having him in my life for a long time to come. And if we are overseas on the anniversary of our deal he will know that I want to live. I no longer find myself having thoughts about throwing myself from the bridge. I leave Brianna in the jewelry store and go to the travel agent located across the street.

  The lady working behind the desk is super helpful. She is able to plan out all of our destinations and print me the itinerary. I am instructed to get our passports made as soon as possible and that we will need to make sure we are up to date on all of our vaccinations.