Dora
Friday 23 December 2016.
Busy day today. I’m up with the lark ensuring the baking is well under way. Then I fill the car up with all the stuff I need for the outside of Cam’s house. The judges are visiting later tonight, so everything has to be right. I walked up the street to check on the neighbours up the road last night. Their house looks ridiculous. There are so many lights I’m surprised aircraft haven’t tried landing. I said hello, and the guy there looked at me smugly. He so thinks he’s winning. His ego as inflated as his inflatables.
Miranda’s coming with the cats later this afternoon. Only a couple of days and then she’ll be back home. Bloody wish I could have stuck her round Cam’s though.
As I’m finishing washing the dishes after lunch, Lynda pops her head over the fence and calls to me. Sighing, I dry my hands on the towel and open the back door. “Everything alright?”
“No. Our Amy’s been admitted to hospital with a sickness bug and we want to go over and see her. The thing is, we don’t know how long we’ll be and wondered if you could feed Jasper if we’re not back tonight?”
Jasper is their one-year-old whippet. A cute thing that sleeps most of the day.
“Will he be okay on his own?”
“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’ll put him in his basket in the kitchen. But if you could feed him that’ll be a load off my mind.”
“Not a problem. Gosh, I hope Amy’s isn’t stuck in hospital at Christmas.”
“You and me both. Well, here’s the key. I’ll leave the alarm off. Thanks, Dora.”
“Not a problem,” I tell her. When I go back inside, I think how fortunate I am that my family are all happy and healthy.
Miranda irritates me within minutes of her arrival.
“Dora, sweetie. Have you put on weight? Your tummy looks a little swollen.”
“I’ve been eating too many baking leftovers,” I complain. “Haven’t been able to get to the gym either.”
“Well as long as that’s all it is, and not a… you know.”
“It’s a large poo waiting to come out, Miranda, a bit like what’s coming out of your mouth. Come on, let’s get your stuff in your room.”
“My babies are not stuff,” she huffs.
I smile as it stops my teeth gnashing. “Anyway, we’re off to Cam’s tonight for the final of the Christmas Kerb Appeal competition. The judges will visit later. It’s all hands on deck as we’re raising money for charity.” I yawn.
“Keeping you up?” quips Miranda.
“I’m knackered. I had to go back to Cam’s today, only I took a load of stuff around last night and started to trim up but when I climbed up to stick the motifs on the windows I found Cam dressing up too.” I wink.
“Oh my God. Please tell me she didn’t see you?”
“Course not. I’ll tell you something though,” I nudge her. “I can see what she sees in Dylan.”
We both cackle.
“You know what else tiredness is a sign of?” Miranda says.
I groan and try not to think about it.
Things go better than I could ever have anticipated and it starts when I go to feed Jasper. He flies past me, straight out of the door. I’ve never seen him move so fast; he’s in my house before I can say dinner. I run after him, watching as my sister's cats scatter to separate corners of the lounge.
“Oh my God, he’ll kill them,” yells Miranda, and opens a window to let one escape.
There’s a mad scramble as three cats and a whippet make a dash for freedom. Myself and Miranda run down the estate but the pets are too fast for us.
“They’re heading for the house with the lights on it,” I shout.
Tim has locked up and runs after us with a cat basket in each hand. Finally, I catch up with Jasper who is barking at one of the inflatable Santas, a cat perched atop. I grab him and hoist him into my arms and start back down the street. “I’m going to put Jasper back in his house. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
When I return, Tim has two full cat baskets, and Miranda has Sock in her arms. I glance around. Two of the inflatables are deflating due to puncture wounds. Thank God the owners are still at work.
“Quick, we need to get out of here,” I tell Tim and Miranda. “Let’s get over to Cam’s. I need a drink.”
“Hello, and welcome to Rotherham Live and the conclusion of this year’s Christmas Kerb Appeal. We’re live outside Camille Turner and Dylan Ball’s house in Florence Gardens, Treeton. Sonia’s over at the Smith’s house in Moss Street, Greasborough.”
A monitor shows Sonia at the other house. “Thank you, Russ. Yes, it’s all to play for in our final. So let’s have a tour of the finalists houses.”
The Smith’s have managed to pull everything together with the help of a little tape, and their house does look pretty with its wonderful lights. However, it’s not a patch on Cam’s.
The garden shed has been emptied and turned into a Santa’s Grotto. Children and parents from Kid Zone have arrived to see Santa. The money raised will go to a local children's hospice. Their patio area has been turned into a Christmas drinks bar, based on the sleigh bar we went to in town. The parents enjoy a hot Pimms, which raises more money at £2 a drink, after their kids see Santa, with hot chocolates at 50p each for the children. The house is trimmed with traditional lanterns, and looks stunning, if I say so myself.
“This is amazing,” says Cam. “You’ve outdone yourself this year.”
I smile.
“Mum, I know we’re not having Christmas at yours, and it seemed like you’d lost interest in the season, but this is better than all the meals and decor you’ve ever done at home. I’ve loved your Christmases, but this is benefiting those less fortunate. You’re a star. I love you, Mum.”
She clinches me in a hug and kisses my head, just as the Judge declares Cam’s house the winner.
Russ, the presenter, wants to hand over the £200 voucher live on air. That’s a twat as I was hoping to keep it a secret and have a blowout in Waterstones. Oh, well, I guess it’s time to be even more charitable in this season of Goodwill.
“Thank you, Russ, but could it be donated to the charity instead?”
Russ kisses my hand. “That’s an amazing thing to do, Dora. Not only will we give them this voucher, I’ve just spoken with my bosses at Rotherham Live” - he touches his headset - “and we’ll match it with a £200 donation, so that’s £400 going to the hospice.”
Everyone hollers and cheers.
“Thank you so much.” I give Russ a hug.
We carry on celebrating until the drinks are gone, and all the children have seen Santa, who looks a lot like Tim.
Russ walks over to say goodbye. “So what time is best for the tree to be delivered?” he asks Cam.
Cam’s brow furrows. “What tree?”
“As well as the gift voucher you’ve won a completely decorated 6ft Christmas Tree, donated by Argos. We’ll need to put it in your house and take some pictures for the press.”
“Anytime tomorrow will be okay won’t it, Cam? I can come and oversee things while you’re at Kid Zone.”
“That’ll be great, Mum,” Cam says through tight lips.
Score one for Dora. There’ll be a tree at Christmas dinner after all.
Chapter Fifteen
Camille
Christmas Day 2016
“Merry Christmas, fiancée.” My first present of the day is poking me in the back. I turn over and pull Dylan towards me for a kiss.
“Merry Christmas to you too.”
Dylan swings his legs out of bed.
“What are you doing?”
“Starting to get things ready.”
I rub my eye. “Dylan, people aren’t coming until four.”
He beams at me. “I changed things. For a surprise. I know how you secretly wanted a proper dinner so close family are coming for two pm and the buffet at seven. Christmas dinner and then our housewarming/engagement party.”
“What?�
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“Don’t worry, everything is in hand. As long as I stick to my timetable. You lie in bed; you’ve looked pale and tired all week. If everyone is opening presents after lunch, you’ve nothing to rush for. I’ll bring you a cuppa up in ten.”
With that, my fiancé leaves the room. I’m too tired to wonder what he’s going on about and turn over and go back to sleep.
At two pm, bang on time, Dylan serves up the most splendid Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Famished, I realise that a buffet wouldn’t have been the same on Christmas Day. He’s totally getting a blow job tonight.
The house is packed with my mum and dad, Tyler and Lindsay, Beth, Leo and Trey, Gemma and us. Dylan’s parents had gone to his sisters with her having the new baby and are coming round for the evening buffet.
Beth is fussing around Leo something chronic, despite my reassurance that he’s not ill. She keeps passing him more food and asking if he’s okay. One of them needs to hurry up and propose. Trey has been truly spoilt and is currently getting to pull the other half of people’s crackers, the one’s my dad insisted on bringing, and is collecting all the crap that comes with them. Only a child could get excited about a cheap spinning top or one of those curling fish. They do bring back memories though, and Bob has stayed out of the way so far. Auntie Miranda left her cats in her room at Mum and Dad’s house. She says she’s not letting them out again due to some incident yesterday when they escaped. My mum seems very quiet which is worrying, though she has a huge smile on her face.
“Right, who wants dessert?” I ask.
“Let me help you bring it in,” yells Leo.
“I’ll get some drinks,” says Beth.
Beth and Leo walk back into the room, Beth holding two glasses of champagne and Leo two bowls containing individual size Christmas puddings. They put them down and sit near each other.
“Are you going to have a drink of that champagne? It’s lovely,” says Beth.
“After you have a bite of Christmas Pudding,” says Leo, gesturing towards it.
“What? No. Drink, er, please,” adds Beth.
“I don’t want a drink. I want you to eat some Christmas Pudding.”
“Why don’t you want to drink? Are you ill? Are you dying?” Beth holds a hand to her chest and whimpers.
“What?”
I snap my fingers in front of their faces. “Beth, eat some goddamn pudding. Leo, get a drink. Now.”
They stare at me and then do as instructed.
Leo finds a wedding ring in his drink.
Beth finds an engagement ring in her pudding.
“Oh, my God,” Beth squeals.
Leo holds up the ring and bellows with laughter. “Great minds, darling.”
“Will you marry me?” they say at the same time.
“Yes.” They reply in unison.
Everyone congratulates them and we toast their engagement.
After that, it’s Christmas present opening time. Auntie Miranda has what resembles a heart attack when she opens my mum’s gift.
“It’s true. What Brenda confirmed. It’s coming true.”
“What?” my mum asks. “What’s up with you now?”
“Look.” She waves her card around. “You’ve booked me on a minibreak for two to Liverpool. That’s the pool in my future. It’s got to be.”
“A minibreak for two, Mum?” I question. “And who are you going with Auntie Miranda?”
“Oh, I’ll take your mum, of course.”
“Surprising,” I quip. “Whereabouts is it, Mother?”
“It’s a luxury private apartment above Waterstones. It’s booked for February.”
“Waterstones? Oh, my God, it’s heaven.” My aunt gasps, “and that’s the literary bit. This trip is meant to be, Dora.”
I walk up to my mother. “You totally booked that on purpose, didn’t you? It’s not fair to encourage her, you know.”
“I deny any involvement with making her predictions come true. I’m totally going to try and get her a bloke while we’re there. I’d better save for a book splurge too.”
“Poor Auntie Miranda. A new project.”
We’re interrupted when Tyler stands up on a chair. “Right, enough now everyone. We’ve had Christmas dinner. Two proposals, present unwrapping, now it’s time for it to be my birthday, before the engagement party takes off.”
Everyone looks at him wide-eyed.
“Oh fuck,” I say.
“No.” He stamps on the chair seat. “You are seriously shitting me. Last year I got an eviction notice, and this year no one remembered? I’m disowning the lot of you. Come on, Linds, we’re going home. We’ll have my birthday there. Alone, without these attention seeking people.”
Everyone bursts out laughing.
“Go under the tree, Ty. Look for the box that’s not wrapped in Christmas paper,” I tell him.
Tyler unwraps some new recording equipment. “We all put into it,” I tell him. “It was recommended on the Gadget Show.”
“It’s amazing.” He lifts out a GoPro Hero4. “I’ve always wanted one of these.”
We let Tyler’s birthday be celebrated for the next hour and make a huge fuss of the big baby. It must be shit sharing your birthday with Christmas though. He records everybody which makes Lindsay Cross live up to her name as he’d promised he wouldn’t spend the day distracted by tech.
“Leave him, Linds. It’s his birthday,” I tell her.
“Yes, well he’s got another present yet.”
I’m about to ask her what it is, when my aunt interrupts. “Right everyone, well the ladies that is. We’re all off to the bathroom for a little experiment. Back soon, boys.”
She waves us all upstairs.
“Look, I thought this was a little crazy but then Brenda’s prediction about my future came true, so we’ll go with my gut feelings and all do one of these.” She waves five pregnancy sticks at us.
“Oh, don’t be silly, Auntie Miranda,” I say. “None of us needs to do one of those.”
“I’ll have one,” says my mum, and goes into the bathroom.
I sit gobsmacked.
“Actually, I’ll do one,” says Beth.
“Me too,” adds Lindsay.
They’ve all cracked.
“I don’t need to do one. There’s no man in my life right now,” says Gemma glumly.
“Mine either, honey,” says Auntie Miranda. “We’ll make it a New Year’s Resolution, yeah?”
“Yeah. Why not?” Gemma replies, “Right now I’m going to drink my weight in Baileys.”
“Don’t tell the guys what we’re doing,” says Auntie Miranda. “It’s a surprise.”
With Gemma gone, my auntie looks at me. “Fine,” I tell her, “but seriously, let it be recorded that you’re even crazier than my mother.”
My mum comes out first. “Fucking, yes. I’m not pregnant. Whoo hoo.” She pulls her arm down with her fist raised.
Beth is next out of the bathroom. “Not me.”
Lindsay had gone to the downstairs loo, so there was only me to go into the bathroom.
“Negative,” I announce. “Are you satisfied now, Auntie? Come on, let’s get ready for our engagement party. Christmas games are usually Trivial Pursuit, you know?”
“I still have a feeling.”
“Maybe you need to pee?”
We walk downstairs. Tyler is filming us as we walk back into the room.
“What’ve you been doing?”
“You’re better off not knowing, bro. A complete waste of ten minutes.”
Aunt Miranda huffs past me and goes to sit in the chair, stroking Bob, who has come downstairs and has so far has steered clear of the tree.
Lindsay comes in. “Right, Tyler, can you come over to the table so I can give you your present?”
“Did you do a test?” interrupts Miranda.
“I didn’t need to,” replies Lindsay. “Now, can I ask everyone be quiet while I speak to Tyler.”
“What test?” a
sks Tyler, still recording.
“Tyler, could you put your camera down for this please?” she asks.
“Aww, Linds. This camera’s epic. I want to record my present.”
“Fine.” She takes out a wrapped rectangular box. “Shall I open it for you then?”
“Please.”
“Always been lazy,” says my mum. “Now he can’t even open a present himself. I spoiled him. I know I did.”
Lindsay tears off the wrapping paper to reveal a pregnancy test. Not the design of the ones we’d been given from my Auntie.
“What’s that?” says Tyler. “Some kind of atmospheric sensor for recording in damp weather?”
“It’s a pregnancy test, Tyler.” I tell him, removing the camera from his hand and taking over the recording.
He reaches for the stick. “What?”
“It’s your other present, Tyler. I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby.”
Ty starts to wobble, and I wonder if he’s going to pass out. However, my aunt chooses that time to scream “I told you so. I told you I had a feeling.” Bob leaps from her lap, paws out and nails retracted and launches straight into the tree. We all stare as it teeters and falls, right on top of my brother. His reaction to the news is unknown while we try to find him under the boughs and discarded decorations.
“Tyler. Tyler. Are you okay?” my mum yells, pulling it away. “I’m sorry. I should never have plotted to get that tree in here. Now my baby is hurt.”
The tree is removed, and Tyler sits up. He looks concussed.
“Lindsay. Did you just tell me you’re pregnant?”
“Yes.”
“That’s fucking epic.” Ty rubs his head. “I mean… wow. I’m going to be a dad.” Then he passes out.
“And you’re going to be a grandma, just like you’ve wanted,” Aunt Miranda tells my mum.
“Oh wow. I am. I’m going to be a grandma.” My mum grins and then her smile drops as the words sink in. “Oh my God, I’m not old enough.” Mum goes hysterical and clutches hold of my dad.
“Open your own extra present, Dora,” says my dad, who reveals two tickets to Tenerife, flying out tomorrow. “You can get your head around it on a chair by the pool,” he tells her. She flings her arms around him. “We’re going away?”
Jingle Balls (Ball Games #5) Page 7