I couldn’t change my job, and it’s not like Lyla could leave Emily and go out. Obviously, she still got one night a week off, but she mostly just went out for a few hours then came back, because she didn’t have any friends.
It was hard feeling like an outcast in a close-knit community like this. People tended to stick to their groups, and they rarely ventured outside, or took in new people.
A lot of the gossip surrounding Lyla didn’t help, and the fact that she didn’t go out much only added fuel to the fire.
Frustrated, I yanked my legs down and threw my head back.
There had to be something I could do.
Suddenly, I scrambled off the couch towards my room in search of my laptop. I balanced it on my lap as I opened up google and typed in ‘Mommy and me’.
If Lyla wasn’t able to make friends, I was going to help her by enrolling us in a class. I was sure that Mommy and me classes would be full of people we could relate to. Families who had many babies, or just one.
Regardless, they would understand us in a way that our single friends wouldn’t. Excitedly, I began to jump from one web page to the next, looking for the best location, because it couldn’t be too far away.
I finally found the right one, and I bookmarked the page so that I could show it to Lyla later. I tiptoed across the hall and placed my laptop back where it belonged, then took a quick peek at my girls.
They were both out like a light, Emily curled on her side with her thumb in her mouth, and Lyla lying flat on her back with her hand fanned out beneath her.
I stopped at Lyla’s door and stared at her. The way her lashes framed her face, and the way her face lost all traces of concern in her sleep. She looked almost ethereal, and I wanted to climb in there next to her, but I thought it would be best if I didn’t disturb her.
She was exhausted.
That much was clear.
I was careful to walk on my tiptoes, but the floor still creaked when I moved. I’d need to get that fixed. I was just about to safely head back downstairs when I heard a soft whining noise coming from the direction of Emily’s room.
I crept past Lyla’s room, and I saw that she was still out cold, a troubled expression on her face. I wanted to wake her up and ask her what was wrong, but it would have to wait because Emily was calling for attention.
I poked my head in. Emily’s eyes were wide open, and she was staring at the door expectantly, her little mouth curled into a disapproving grimace.
As soon as she saw me, the corners of her mouth uplifted, and she cooed as she lifted her hands above her head and made a demanding noise. She definitely wanted to be lifted up. I stepped into the room and nearly staggered backwards when the smell hit my nostrils.
“Oooh Em, somebody had something strong to eat today,” I said as I pinched the bridge of my nose, figuring it was necessary to breathe through my mouth for the time being.
Emily clapped delightedly and screwed her face up to mimic me. I chuckled as I continued to hold my breath, and I gingerly picked her up.
There was definitely a mess up in there, and I’d have to clean her bed as well, but for now, it was important to get Emily into the bath.
Emily looked at me with blue eyes shining brightly.
“Next time warn Daddy before he comes up here on a full stomach.” I wagged my finger at her jokingly.
Emily gaped at my finger before she took it in both her hands and gazed at it solemnly as if she was comparing sizes. She threw herself forward and grasped at thin air as if she was looking for something.
She made this odd little huffing noise and looked at me in annoyance as her mouth pressed into a thin line.
“I know you’re looking for Lyla’s hair, but hey, this is what you get, missy. I’m sorry I don’t have long luxurious hair. We can’t all have that, you know,” I explained as I held her slightly away from me and hurried to my bathroom, not wanting to disturb Lyla.
Emily’s eyes flew all over the room in amazement, considering she didn’t come in here that often. Why would she? She had her own room, and a bathroom, so there was no need.
Until I realized that my bathroom wasn’t equipped for a baby, so I promptly turned around, shut the door that connected Lyla’s room to Emily’s and proceeded to prepare her for a bath.
Emily started making gurgling noises with her mouth as she shook herself up and down in excitement.
“Wait, you’re going to need a toy before we go in there.” I snapped my fingers as I snatched the nearest toy I could find.
“Now, Daddy’s going to clean you up, okay? You’re going to have to try to keep it down because Lyla is resting, and you like her, remember?”
Emily had her head tilted to the side as if she was listening very intently to what I was saying and debating it. Finally, she made a quiet cooing noise that I hoped was a sign of assent.
“Okay, I’m counting on you because you’re my number one girl,” I reminded her as we stepped into the bathroom and I flicked on the light switch.
Carefully, I slipped off her onesie and dropped it in the sink to soak in some warm, soapy water. Then I filled up her basinet while she played with her teddy bear contentedly.
“There we go,” I said as I placed her in the water and began to clean her up. I ran my hands over every inch of skin before I reached for the baby soap.
I ran the bar all over her body as gently as possible, scrubbing lightly in the areas that needed it, till I finally felt like the stink was gone. I experimentally sniffed and exhaled a sigh of relief when the smell didn’t overwhelm me again.
Instead, she smelled nice and pleasant, like a baby should.
“I’m going to wash your hair now, okay, Em?” I asked as she ignored me and continued to play with her bear.
She seemed quite fond of that thing, and I couldn’t remember getting it for her.
It must’ve been one of the gifts she’d received as a baby. It looked a little drab, like it had seen better days, and I frowned as I wondered who would possibly give a newborn an old toy they used to have.
Then I saw the name written on the tag.
Lyla.
Lyla had given Emily the teddy bear she had when she was little, and go figure, that happened to be the one she liked the most.
Once I had a good amount of shampoo in my hands, I lathered it up then spread it out across her hair. I made it stand up and laughed before I put it back down when Emily gave me a pointed look.
Sometimes, I felt like she could read my mind and was wondering how she got such a goofball as a father.
Oh, well.
I was about to wash the soap off when Emily threw the bear a little too hard, and a soft whimper escaped her lips.
“I’ll get it for you when I’m done, Em,” I soothed as I tried to focus on the task at hand. Emily wasn’t having it, her lower lip trembled, and her eyes welled up with tears.
“Alright, alright,” I conceded as I held Em with one hand and reached to the floor with the other to feel around for the teddy bear. I accidentally knocked over the garbage, and as its contents spread across the bathroom floor, something caught my eye.
Six pregnancy tests. All positive.
17
Lyla
Something evil was lurking in the shadows.
Okay, that sounded melodramatic.
It wasn’t technically evil, it was just bad news.
And no one really welcomed bad news.
People wanted to run away from it and pretend it wasn’t true, or that they never heard a thing. Sometimes, they succeeded, but only for a short amount of time.
Eventually, reality caught up.
That’s one thing we all have in common.
I tried to hold onto the whispered fragments of whatever good dream I was having, but it was rapidly slipping away. I whimpered as I prayed for it to stay to keep reality at bay, but it was no use.
It evaporated, my eyes flew open, and I stared at my lavender walls, a frown marring my lips.
<
br /> What was it that I didn’t want to remember?
I was still foggy from sleep, and my brain was still struggling to catch up with my conscience as my heart beat rather loudly in my chest.
There was something on my nightstand that was blurry, and as soon as my eyes focused, it all came crashing back.
* * *
It was a pregnancy test.
Mine.
The pregnancy.
Dread, and a feeling of unease settled in the pit of my stomach as I rolled over to my back and gazed at my blank ceiling.
Fuck.
What was I supposed to do now?
Getting pregnant was never part of the plan. What if Clay thinks I did this on purpose to try and trick him?
To get him to stay married to me?
I had no intention of being duplicitous, but he doesn’t know that. What would it look like to him?
He’d probably think he screwed up, and what was supposed to be a simple band-aid would turn into a disaster of tsunami proportions.
What if he asked me to get an abortion?
I couldn’t bear the thought, but it was also a possibility. I placed my hand atop my stomach and looked down at it, a wistful smile on my face as I pondered the idea.
A little boy with Clay’s eyes, and his demeanor, or a little girl with his laugh.
I could already picture it, and I knew that no matter what happened between Clay and I, I was not going to get an abortion.
I wanted to have this baby, and the good news was that I had experience raising kids, and even if Clay wanted no part of his child’s life, it wouldn’t matter.
Well, it would matter, of course, but I couldn’t force him to take an interest in his own flesh and blood.
That was something I was adamant about.
“It’s going to be okay, little one,” I murmured softly as I ran my hands over my tummy protectively. “I’ve got you.”
I listened closely and realized that Emily hadn’t made a peep, which was unusual. It was usually the sound of her cries that woke me.
I frowned as I threw the covers off, put on my slippers and quietly poked my head in her room. Emily was wearing a different set of clothes than the one I’d put her to bed in, and the smell of detergent hit my nostrils.
Clay had definitely been in here, and from the looks of things, he’d had to clean up after Emily. I’d slept through that.
Poor thing.
I felt even more guilty now because I knew that I couldn’t keep this from him. I just had no idea how to tell him.
It’s not like I could buy colored balloons and break the news to him that way. Then again, I couldn’t just blurt it out.
I had to be tactful and mindful of how he might feel. I also had to prepare for an extreme reaction. I didn’t think Clay would kick me out or anything, but I might still need to find another place to live until we figured out what to do.
I was getting way ahead of myself as I tiptoed out of the room and down the stairs, my toes sinking into the plush carpet.
The house was eerily quiet, like the calm before the storm, and I had no way of knowing which way the wind would blow.
Once I reached the landing, I waited to hear the sound of the TV, or coffee brewing, but I was met with silence.
Something was clearly off.
Clay was always up at this time, even if it was a weekend. He liked to watch the news first thing in the morning, and a lot of the times, the TV would blare a little too loud, and he’d apologize sheepishly.
If he wasn’t watching TV, he was tinkering around in the kitchen making coffee and breakfast. He liked to experiment in the kitchen and teach himself how to make new things.
Last week, he made French toast after I mentioned I like it.
The week before that he made chocolate chip pancakes.
I smiled to myself at the memory as I walked into the kitchen, then froze like a deer caught in the headlights when I saw Clay sitting on the counter, his dark eyes regarding me quietly.
I smiled weakly as I glanced around the kitchen looking for something to comment on, and Clay just sat there, not moving an inch, as if he was some kind of statue. He lifted up his mug, eyed me over the rim then quietly took a sip.
“I’m sorry about Emily. I can’t believe I didn’t hear her fuss,” I said weakly, as I wiped my palms on my sweatpants.
“It’s okay. I’m supposed to help out.” He shrugged as he ran his hands through his hair. He was dressed in a pair of drawstring jeans, and a Jersey shirt.
“I appreciate that,” I said, cheerfully as I strode towards the fridge. “I have no idea why I was so tired. I normally wake up right away once I hear Emma.”
“Yeah, you were out of it.”
His voice sounded off, but I tried to ignore it as I pretended to rummage through the fridge. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, I just didn’t want to look at him and be reminded of all the things that now stood between us.
“I think I might make some eggs. Do you feel like eggs?” I asked as I began to take out the ingredients.
“Are we really not going to talk about this?”
“Talk about what?” I swung the refrigerator door closed, facing him with an innocent expression on my face.
“You know what I’m talking about, Lyla.”
Shit.
I was pretty sure he knew.
But since he hadn’t said it, I could still pretend I had no idea what was happening.
“I actually don’t.” I lifted my shoulders up then let them fall as I organized the things on the counter, taking extra care to be meticulous even though I didn’t need to be.
“I know you’re pregnant,” he said flatly.
I slammed the milk down on the counter with a little too much force. “What?”
“I saw the tests, Lyla. Why were you hiding this from me?”
“How the hell did you find out?” I asked, my tone coming out a little sharper than I intended.
“Did you honestly think I wasn’t going to know? I’m not stupid, Lyla,” he said, his tone laced with disbelief.
“I hoped you were,” I blurted out. “I mean, no. I didn’t mean it like that. What, I meant to say was, I hoped you wouldn’t find out.”
Crap.
I was blurting things out now, and I needed to get it together because Clay was looking at me with his eyebrow slightly raised.
He had a look that said, ‘are you serious’ written all over his features, and I couldn’t blame him.
I sounded like a moron, and we both knew it.
Of course he was going to find out. If it wasn’t the pregnancy test, it was going to be some other way. These things couldn’t stay hidden forever.
“Lyla, look at me.”
I placed my hands on either side of the counter, and forced myself to look up. My heart was pounding in my chest, my palms were sweaty, and I was afraid anger and disappointment would be splashed across his face, but I could do this.
I wouldn’t let it affect me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he said, his tone soft and gentle as his eyes sparkled with a feeling I couldn’t quite discern.
I began to reorganize things on the counter. “I didn’t know how to tell you, Clay. I proposed the fake marriage to keep you and Emily together, but I never dreamed that I would get pregnant.”
“These things happen, you know,” he pointed out, his tone light and teasing. “When two people have sex, it’s always a risk, even with birth control.”
I breathed deeply. “Yes, but it wasn’t supposed to happen to us. I was just supposed to help you keep Emily, and quietly exit your life. Now, that won’t happen.”
“What are you talking about?” He stood up, and turned to face me.
“You’re going to think I tried to trick you into staying in this marriage, Clay, and I swear, I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t even know that I was late till I checked the calendar. Please, don’t hate me.”
“Lyla, I do
n’t hate you,” he insisted, as the early morning light shone behind him, bathing him in a halo of light.
“You don’t?”
“No, of course not. Why would I?” His face was adorably scrunched up in confusion.
“I’m the nanny, Clay,” I reminded him. “Even if we are married that doesn’t change what I am, or what I’m supposed to be doing here. I’m sure you didn’t envision starting a life with someone under these circumstances.”
“Of course, I didn’t,” he agreed.
“Oh.” My head fell forward in disappointment. “Well, as soon as you win the case, I’ll move out. I know it’s inconvenient to have me stay here until then, but if we don’t present a united front to the court, they won’t let you keep Emily, and that’s still important. I’ll keep my pregnancy news on the down low until then because I know it shouldn’t affect the case.”
“Lyla, stop it,” Clay said, firmly.
My head snapped up to meet his, a frown tugging on the corners of my mouth. “Clay, I know this isn’t ideal, but there’s no reason this can’t be civil.”
“Seriously, Lyla. Stop talking.” He tilted my chin up.
“I was just trying to---” I began, defensively before he interrupted by placing his lips on my mouth.
“It’s hard to get a word in edgewise sometimes.” He shook his head in amusement. “Lyla, you’re not letting me react. I’m not angry.”
My eyes widened in surprise.
“I don’t care what the judge or jury say about us. It’s not going to affect the case. I don’t want to talk about that though. This should be a happy time for us.”
He removed his lips, and I tilted my head in confusion. “So, you’re not upset?”
“Why the hell would I be upset?”
“Because the case, Emily, and I’m the nanny,” I sputtered as I wondered if he was going mad.
It was entirely possible.
He did spend way too much time working.
“First of all, you are not just the nanny, so don’t ever call yourself that again,” he started as he stared at me sternly.
A Baby for the Officer: Boys of Rockford #1 Page 10