by Amber Garza
He smiles ever so slightly. “You weren’t that bad.”
I nudge him with my elbow. “I promise next time I’ll write all about dark clouds and sadness. No more sunny skies or flowers.”
“Now you’re talking.” His smile is full blown now.
“Does that mean you’ll give me another chance?”
He shrugs. “I guess I have to. We have a deal, remember?”
“Yes, we do.” A warm feeling flutters in my stomach, and I’m happy that we’re back on good terms.
Beckett’s eyes rove over my body, landing on my legs. “You didn’t wear the short skirt and little sandals this time.”
I raise my brows. “You don’t like the dress?”
“It’s not about me. It’s about our male fans. I think they’re gonna be disappointed that you covered your legs up with those boots.”
“But you’re not disappointed about it, huh?”
Beckett swallows hard. “Like I said, I’m just worried about the fans.”
“Yes, your loyalty to our fans is commendable.”
“Isn’t it?” Beckett leans over the bar in that sexy way that looks like it belongs on a magazine cover. I glance around the room to see that it’s filling up fast. Beckett grabs my elbow. “C’mon, it’s almost show-time.”
I nod and allow him to guide me toward the stage. Our set goes well. Only a couple of minor glitches, but considering that the audience was drinking the whole time I don’t think they noticed. We end with Can’t Have, and Beckett surprises me by heading over to my keyboard and singing into my mic with me on the last chorus. I guess he’s trying to recreate the first time we sang the song together. His nearness causes my head to spin. A rush of adrenaline courses through me, and by the time we finish a lightheaded feeling has taken over.
“That was awesome!” I blurt out, feeling heat creeping into my face.
“Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?”
I stand up and walk toward him. “You were amazing, Beckett.”
“So were you,” he says in a sincere voice that surprises me.
“Did you just say something nice about me?” I tease.
“Better not make a big deal about it or it won’t happen again.” He winks.
His attitude gives me a surge of courage. “I think someone’s ready for their next lesson.”
“Really?” He speaks in an amused tone.
I nod. “Yeah, maybe we can chat over coffee or something after we clean up tonight.”
His eyes darken, and my insides wither. I can tell he’s going to turn me down before he even speaks.
“Not tonight. Another time, okay?” His gaze flits over to a few over made-up girls standing near us.
“Seriously?” My stomach drops. “You’re ditching me for your fan club?”
“Why? You wanna join it?” He jokes.
I don’t laugh with him.
“C’mon, Star. It was a joke.”
“Whatever. I thought I saw something in you. I guess for a minute I thought you were different.” I whip away from him.
“Star, wait.” His fingers clamp over my wrist.
I slowly pivot on my heels, and glance over my shoulder at him.
“What do you want from me?”
“I don’t want anything from you.” I shake his hand off and scurry down the steps.
“Star,” he calls after me, but I just keep going. Lola’s right. He’s not the right guy for me, and the sooner I come to grips with that, the better.
12
Beckett
I push her up against the wall, my hands skimming her waist. She reaches under my shirt and dances her fingers over my abs and chest. I kiss her harder, my tongue shooting into her mouth. A moan escapes through her lips, and it’s all the invitation I need. I lower my hand, fumbling with the button on her impossibly short skirt. She thrusts her hips forward, encouraging me to continue, and her hand moves down to my zipper. Our tongues mesh together, and she pants against my mouth.
I groan with desire. “Oh, Star.”
“What?” She stiffens.
Shit. Did I just say that?
“Did you call me Star?”
Yeah, I guess I did. What is her name? Candy? No, that was a different night. What the hell is this girl’s name?
“Sorry, babe, what I meant was that you’re my Star. My little rock star for the night.” Hoping that corny line will appease her, I lean in and catch her lips in my teeth. Her button comes undone, and I rip open her skirt.
She breaks away from me. “But isn’t Star the name of the girl in your band?”
Why did I have to bring home the one girl with a good memory? “It doesn’t matter. You’re the one I’m here with, right?”
“What’s my name, Beckett?”
I groan, releasing her.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She scrambles to put back on her skirt and close her top. “Man, my friends were right about you. I should’ve known better. It’s just that you seemed so sweet back at the bar, I thought maybe you were different.”
I run a hand over my head thinking how that’s the second time tonight a girl has said that to me. Star’s face fills my mind. I picture her large dark eyes framed with thick lashes, her pale face and heart shaped lips. She’s the one I really wanted to bring home tonight, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t even see what’s- her- name leave. By the time I look up, my bedroom door is open. I zip back up my pants and walk out into the family room just in time to see her slip out the front door. Shaking my head, I don’t even bother to go after her.
Did I seriously say Star’s name while I was making out with no-name? I’ve never done that before. What is wrong with me?
“Whoa, was that a friend of yours I just saw tearing down the hallway?” Tate enters the apartment, a smile on his face.
“Shut up.”
He slams the door behind him. “Wanna talk about it?”
“No, I don’t.” I turn away from him and hurry to my bedroom. Once inside, I throw myself on my bed. I stare up at the ceiling, my hands behind my head. What is it about Star? Why do I keep thinking about her? Sure, she’s different than the other girls I’ve been with and she does bear a striking resemblance to Quinn. But there’s got to be more to it than just that. There has to be. No girl has ever messed with my mind like this before. Maybe it’s because she calls me on my stuff. No one else does that. Every other girl just placates me. Or maybe it’s because she’s so sexy and talented. I sit up, exhaling. Man, I’ve got to stop thinking like that.
It was obvious tonight that if I had wanted to hook up with her she would’ve gladly said yes. And I was seriously tempted. But that can’t happen between us for so many reasons. I have to work on my self control when it comes to her. Somehow I have to get her out of my mind. But even as I think it, I know it won’t be that simple.
I successfully avoid Star at the next two weeks of rehearsals. Sure I say hi and act cordial, but I work hard not to make eye contact or encourage small talk. It mostly works because we’re so busy trying to get our songs ready for the big winter festival in a couple of months. Every winter Seattle holds an all day festival for local bands to showcase their talent. All of us want to do our best. There will be lots of talent agents and producers attending, and it could be our big chance.
Besides, Ryker keeps Star occupied. They seem to have become pretty good friends. I think it’s mainly because he’s dating her roommate, but sometimes I feel a twinge of jealousy at the ease in which he talks with her. I wish things could be that natural between Star and me, but things are different for us. There is a chemistry with us that isn’t present with her and Ryker, and I’m scared of what will happen if I allow it to spark. I know it will only result in someone getting hurt. At first I thought it was a given that it would be her, but now I’m not so sure. Either way, I don’t want to find out. I’ve worked hard to stay away from serious relationships for a long time, and I don’t plan on getting involve
d in one now.
I kneel down and unhook my amp after practice. A shadow appears on the ground in front of me, and without even looking up I know it’s her. I can tell by the sweet scent washing over me. It causes my pulse to race. Reluctantly I look up.
“So I was thinking that we probably need some new music to play at the festival,” she says.
I stand up to face her. “Yeah, I’m working on some stuff.”
“Or maybe it’s time for my next lesson.” Her tone is so hopeful it breaks my heart.
“Star, you don’t need me to teach you how to write lyrics. I was just being a jerk before. If you want to write happy songs, that’s fine with me. It’s who you are. You should embrace that.”
Star’s face falls. “So what are you saying? That you’re backing out of our deal?”
“I’m saying that we never should’ve made a deal in the first place. I was just playing around.”
“Well, I wasn’t, and I plan to hold up my end. You still haven’t learned how to get close to people yet, and I plan to teach you.” She lifts her chin exposing her neck, and I want to nibble on it.
All the more reason I have to put a stop to this. “I am close to people, Star. Ryker and I have been friends forever, and my brother and I are close.”
“But you’re afraid to let in anyone new.”
“Oh, believe me, I let plenty of new people in,” I say with a light chuckle under my words so she’ll catch my meaning.
She narrows her eyes. “I’m not talking about the girls you hook up with from your fan club. I’m talking about really letting someone in.”
“Star.” I step closer to her and speak softly. “I know you’re just trying to help, but I don’t need saving. I’m happy with how I am.”
She shakes her head. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this. I thought you wanted to be my friend, but I should’ve known better. I see the way you treat the rest of the band members. I don’t know why I expected it to be different with me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on. You treat all of us like we’re crap on the bottom of your shoe. Like we should all be so grateful that the amazing Beckett even graces us with his presence.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is.” She sighs. “Every once in awhile I see another side of you, and I guess I just wanted to try to draw that out. But I’m done. Don’t worry. I won’t hold you to your deal. We’re bandmates, and that’s all we’ll ever be. I’m cool with that.” Star whirls away from me. “Bye, Beckett. See you next week.”
I watch her retreating back as she stalks out of the garage, and dread sinks into my stomach. It’s weird because I miss her already. I can tell that she’s serious. She’s not going to try to force the deal on me, and she’s not going to try to be my friend anymore. This should make me feel relieved. After all, it’s what I wanted, isn’t it? But I had kind of got used to her little advances and not so subtle hints. I’m not sure I’ll like it when she ignores me.
“What was that about?” Ryker sneaks up on me.
“Nothing.” I shake my head.
“She seemed upset.”
“No, she’s fine.”
“Are you?” Ryker eyes me suspiciously.
I shrug. “Of course.”
“Okay. If you say so.”
I turn away from his intense glance, wishing he didn’t know me so well. Star’s wrong. Being close to people is overrated.
13
Star
When I get home from rehearsal, the dorm room is empty. I think Lola is meeting Ryker somewhere after our practice, so I know I’ll be alone for awhile. Pulling my little keyboard out from under my bed, I set it on top of the covers. My emotions are so crazy right now. I know that the only thing that will soothe me is music. I kneel back down and brush my fingers over the stiff carpet until I find my folder of music. After yanking it out, I stand back up and brush off my legs. I sit on the bed and open the folder. I scan the handwritten songs, but my heart doesn’t connect to anything. Beckett’s right. My songs are all so happy, and right now I’m not happy.
Usually when I’m sad my first inclination is to just pretend I am happy and move on. But for some reason right now I can’t do that. Beckett said that writing is therapeutic for him, and his lyrics are beautiful. Maybe I can channel some of my frustration into a haunting melody. I grab a clean sheet of paper and a pen. Then I power up my keyboard, careful to keep the volume low so I won’t bother the rest of the floor. Placing my fingers on the keys, I close my eyes just like Beckett told me to. I picture his face, his body, his hands, his mouth, his tattoo, his rock hard abs. Opening my eyes, I shake my head. Okay, this is not helping.
After taking a deep breath, I close them again. This time I picture his dismissive attitude toward me; the way he acts like he’s my friend one minute and my enemy the next. I allow my fingers to play around with the keys until I find the sound I like. I’m surprised that I decide on such a dark tone. Beckett has brought out a side of me I didn’t even know existed. Words pop into my head, sentences strung together to relay my feelings. Reaching for the paper and pen, I scrawl the words out before I lose them. When I’m done, I drop the paper and start to play again, singing along.
The door pops open and Lola steps inside. “Hey, did you write that?”
I nod, clicking the keyboard off.
Her eyebrows lift in surprise “It’s a lot different from your normal stuff.”
Biting my lip, I gather the pages together and slip them into my folder. “Yeah, I was just trying out something new.” I roll my neck, working out the kinks from being bent over my keyboard all night.
“Beckett’s influence?”
“It was definitely inspired by him,” I mutter under my breath.
“Uh oh, what happened now?”
“Nothing.” I wave away her words. “How was your night?”
“Good.” She sits down on the edge of her bed and peels off her shoes. “Ryker said that one of his friends is interested in you.”
Here we go. I know exactly where this is headed.
“Yeah, he’s come to a couple of your shows, and he’s been working up the nerve to ask you out. Ryker thought maybe we could double on Saturday night.”
“A blind date?” I groan. “You know how much I hate those.”
“I know you don’t like blind dates, but I think it’ll be fun.” Lola has that crazy twinkle in her eyes, and I know exactly what she’s doing. I’ve always felt like a stray cat that needs rescuing when it comes to Lola. She took me under her wing freshman year of high school, and she’s made it her mission in life to protect and help me. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s sweet, and she’s been incredibly supportive, but sometimes I wish she’d just let me work things out on my own. I’m not that same shy girl I was when we met. I don’t need her to manage my social life anymore.
“I don’t know,” I say.
“You haven’t dated any guys since Spencer, and your fixation on Beckett isn’t healthy. C’mon, I think you should go out with us.”
I think back to rehearsal and how Beckett treated me, and I know she’s right. Only I don’t want to go on a blind date. Especially not a double date with Ryker and Lola. They are so happy together. If the guy ends up being a dud, it will be brutal.
“I’ll think about it,” I finally answer.
“Great.” She smiles broadly.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” I scold her. “I didn’t say yes.”
“But you also didn’t say no.”
True.
The crisp morning air brushes over my skin. I wrap my jacket tighter around my body and walk quicker, hoping to get my circulation going. Leafy trees bend down to meet me as I take the pavement path that weaves through campus. My hair whips around my face emitting its floral scent into the air. As I turn the corner, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and smile at the text from Lola.
Maid report: Picked your clothes off
the floor.
I stop walking and shoot off a reply. Sorry. I was running late this morning.
You need to stop staying up all night crying over Beckett.
I was not crying.
Pouting. Same diff.
OK, Lola. C U after class. I tuck the phone back in my pocket and hurry forward. I pass a group of blond girls all giggling and chatting. Their voices are loud and I freeze when I hear a familiar name.
“So, tell me all about Beckett. Is he as good as I’ve heard?”
“Better,” the other girl replies, and they all giggle.
My stomach churns.
“I can’t believe he took you home after the show. That’s like my total dream come true.”
“So, don’t hold out on us,” another girl says. “Tell us how he was in bed.”
I inhale sharply and scurry away from them, having no desire to hear the response to that question. The thought of Beckett in bed with that tall blond girl is enough to make me want to hurl. Not that I should care. He’s nothing to me. Just the leader of my band, and that’s all. Isn’t that what I told him last night? Still, why does it bother me so much to imagine him with someone else? What is it about him? Why can’t I just move on?
Walking in a speedy gait toward my class, I think over my conversation with Lola the night before. I didn’t give her an answer about the double date, but now I’m thinking I should say yes. It sure beats pining after a guy I can never have. And who knows, maybe the date won’t be so bad.
When Ryker introduces me to his friend Forrest, the first thought I have is that he looks nothing like Beckett. He’s good looking with his blond hair, blue eyes and tanned skin, but he’s more surfer boy than rocker boy. There was a time when this would’ve appealed to me. In fact, if I had met him a month ago I probably would’ve been attracted to him.
But that was before I met Beckett.
Sitting across from Forrest at the restaurant and watching him take a sip of his water, I wonder if I’ll ever stop comparing every guy I meet to Beckett. It’s just that I can’t get the fantasy of being with him out of my mind. I’ve already been with guys like Forrest. Guys who wear preppy shirts, comb their hair to the side, and are devoid of tattoos or piercings. Guys who are predictable, unassuming, and never take a risk. Those guys don’t get my blood boiling. They don’t make me feel hot like I’m burning up with a fever, and they don’t make my head swirl with dangerous possibilities. Where’s the fun in that?