by Amber Garza
My stomach tightens. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Sorry.” Ryker runs a hand nervously over his hair.
“It’s not your fault.” I fidget with the bottom of my jacket, rolling the soft fabric between my fingers.
“Hey, the guys and I are ready to start playing again whenever you are.”
Ryker, Pierce and Jimmy had asked me to take over as the lead singer right after Beckett left. As tempting as it sounds, I’m not sure about it. “I know. I just don’t think I’m ready yet.”
“Fair enough.” Ryker holds his hands out. “Let us know when you are.”
“I will.” I give him a tight smile before walking away. I wish the hard knot in my chest would loosen, but it seems to grow bigger with every step. When I reach my classroom, I heave a sigh of relief. I plop down in a seat near the back and unzip my backpack. Maybe if I focus on the lecture I can finally stop obsessing about Beckett.
“Hey, Star.” A girl says breathlessly, taking the seat next to me.
I glance up. “Hey.” Searching my brain I try to remember the girl’s name. I only spoke with her one other time and it was the morning I joined Beckett. “Stacy, right?”
She nods, and then leans down to pull a notebook out of her backpack. When she sits back up, she peers over at me. “I heard about Beckett cutting a demo. Pretty exciting huh?”
Anger rises up in me, but I fight it down. “Yeah.”
“I mean, I always knew he’d become famous one day, and now it sounds like it’s gonna happen.”
Biting my lip, I nod.
“I just wish I could’ve hooked up with him at least once before he left.”
My head whirls in her direction, stunned by her words. “What?” I can’t keep the venom out of my voice.
Stacy’s jaw drops, and her face reddens. “You two aren’t like together, are you? I-I thought you were just in the band.”
I sigh. “No. We’re not together.”
“Oh, okay. You kinda looked a little crazy for a minute there.” She flashes me a relieved smile. “It’s just that I’ve had a crush on Beckett for years, and I know he’s not really the relationship type. Not that I care, I’d take what I could get with him. You know what I mean?”
I force my head to bob up and down, but inside I’m dying. If only I could make this girl shut up. When the professor starts his lecture, I give Stacy an apologetic smile and hunch over my notebook. She takes the hint and starts scribbling notes as well. Only I can’t decipher anything the professor says. All I can think about is Stacy’s words about Beckett. Was I an idiot to ever believe that I meant something to him?
“C’mon, Star, get out of bed. You stink.” Lola swats at my covers with her hand.
I just groan and pull them further over my head. It’s been two weeks since Beckett left, and each day seems darker than the last. No matter how hard I try to get over him, I can’t. I think about him all the time, and it rips my heart open. I really think I was falling in love with him. I had allowed myself to start thinking about a future with him, and now that’s all over. It’s more than I can take right now.
“Star. You can’t spend your life in bed.” I feel her pulling on the covers, so I hold them tighter in my fist.
“Just go away, Lola,” I say from under the safety of my comforter.
“No, this is ridiculous. You need to get up.”
“Stop being so bossy.” I stick out my bottom lip even though I know Lola can’t see me. “You’re not my mom.”
“Well, you’re certainly acting like a child.”
All the anger that’s been simmering just under the surface for years bursts out of me. I thrust my covers off and sit up. “Lola, I’m not a child. I’m an adult, and I don’t need you to control my life anymore.”
Lola backs up, looking stunned. “What are you talking about? I don’t run your life.”
“Yes, you do. You always have.”
“Just because you’re upset about Beckett doesn’t mean you get to take it out on me.” Lola brushes a strand of hair from her face. “If you remember correctly, I warned you about getting together with him.”
“See.” I point to her. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re always telling me what to do. I don’t need to be protected by you, Lola. I’m not the same girl you met freshman year. I’m capable of making my own decisions.”
“Yeah, how’s that working out for you?” She laughs bitterly.
I narrow my eyes at her. “That’s not fair.”
“Sorry.” Lola plops down on my bed. “I just worry about you, Star. You’re my best friend.”
“I know.” I reach for her hand. “And I love you for it, but I need you to back off a little.”
“Look what happened when I did that?” Lola spreads her arms out. “You got your heart broken.”
I smile sadly. “But I don’t regret it. The times I spent with Beckett were worth it. They were some of the best of my entire life.”
“Really?” Lola raises an expertly manicured brow at me.
“Really.” I nod.
“I still can’t believe he left you. Ryker’s shocked too.”
“I bet. I know the band isn’t very happy.”
“Well, he left everyone hanging.”
I glance out the window of our dorm room, at the grey skies and thick clouds. “I know, but he’s following his dream. He’s doing exactly what he’s always wanted to do.”
“I hope it’s making him happy,” Lola says, but it doesn’t sound convincing.
There is a part of me that hopes Beckett is happy too, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there is a part of me that hopes he’s as miserable as I am.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go with us, Star?” Lola asks, throwing on her jacket. Ryker stands against the wall, one knee bent and his arms crossed over his chest. Even though he’s had to wait forever for Lola to finish getting ready, he doesn’t seem annoyed at all. I guess he is the right guy for my high maintenance best friend.
“I’m good here. I’m just gonna write some music or something.”
Lola opens her mouth to protest, but then clamps it shut. Ever since our talk a couple of weeks ago, she’s been working hard on not hounding me.
“C’mon, Star.” Ryker pushes off the wall. “It will be good for you to go to open mic night. Pierce and Jimmy will be there too. Maybe we can all do a song together.”
I know what he’s trying to do. The guys have all been pushing me in regards to music. They’re hoping I’ll take the reins, and we can be a band again. Only I know it won’t be the same without Beckett, and I just can’t bring myself to do it.
“You guys just go and have fun. I’ll be fine here.”
“Are you sure, Star? It would be fun to jam together,” Ryker says. “I know even Beckett wants us to keep playing together.”
This gives me pause. “Have you talked to him?”
Ryker’s face falls, and I can tell he regrets saying anything. “Yeah, I have.”
“When?” My chest is so tight it hurts to breathe. I haven’t heard from Beckett once since he left.
“We’ve talked several times, but the last time was earlier today,” Ryker answers.
I bite my lip. “How is he?”
“Good. He’s enjoying himself.”
Lola shoots Ryker a sour look, but I’m grateful that he answered honestly. Maybe knowing that Beckett is doing well will help me move on. Right now it just makes me feel sick though.
“Star, you okay?” Lola asks warily.
“Fine.” I try to sound as chipper as possible. “You guys go have fun.”
“Okay,” Lola says with hesitancy in her voice.
“Bye, Star,” Ryker says, following Lola out into the hall.
The minute the door shuts I heave a sigh of relief. I know they are only trying to help, but sometimes I feel smothered. I just want to be left alone with my misery. Is that too much to ask? As I bend over and pull my keyboard ou
t from under my bed, the star around my neck scratches my skin. It prickles, the sensation bringing a rush of emotions back. My mind travels to the memory of Beckett slipping it around my neck, and moisture fills my eyes. I blink back the unwanted tears and pick up my keyboard. After depositing it on my bed, I grab some papers and a pencil. I sit down cross legged and flick on the keyboard. Placing my hands on the white keys I press down, and music fills the silent room. Lately I’ve been favoring dark and haunting chords, and I think about how much Beckett would approve. This thought shoots a sick feeling into the pit of my stomach.
My cell buzzes. Wish you were coming with us.
I smile at Lola’s text. Even when she’s trying to back off, she can’t do it. Maybe next time, I reply.
While I start to put the cell down, my thumb accidentally swipes across the touch screen and the texts scroll down. I catch sight of the last text between Beckett and me, and my stomach twists. My eyes connect with the words – the easy banter between us. I remember laughing when I received them. I remember thinking I was finally in a relationship that meant something. If only things had turned out differently. If only the talent agent could have taken us as a team, the way we wanted. Then maybe I’d be with him in LA.
I try to imagine what Beckett must be doing right now. I can picture him in his tight jeans, his guitar strapped over his shirt. He’s probably out right now with a member of his fan club. It may be different than the one he had here, but I’m sure he’s already got one. Beckett’s charm draws girls to him like a magnet. Glancing down at my keyboard and blank papers, I curse myself for sitting at home alone on a Saturday night while Beckett is probably out with some slutty blond.
Frustrated, I stand up, brushing the crumbs off of my pajama pants. Guiltily my gaze lands on the empty bag of chips. Lola’s right. I can’t keep sitting around here feeling sorry for myself. Beckett may have left, but I have things going for me. I can be the lead singer of Beckett’s old band. At least that will keep my mind off things.
I head to my dresser, and pull out a pair of jeans and a top. After changing quickly, I run the brush through my hair a couple of times and swipe lip-gloss over my lips. Then I grab my purse, and head outside. It only takes a few minutes to get to the coffee shop. The parking lot is full as always on Saturday night, so I end up parking along the street. As I exit my car, I wrap my jacket tighter around my body. The cold night air swirls around me, smelling of damp asphalt. My boots click on the pavement with each step.
I’m grateful when I get inside, and the warmth seeps into my fingers. I run my hands over my arms and wait for them to thaw. I spot Lola and Ryker sitting at a round table in the corner. They are deep in conversation, so I head to the counter to order my mocha. The sultry sound of a girl’s voice belts from the stage. While waiting in line, I glance up at her. She sits on a stool, a guitar in her lap. Her voice isn’t bad. A little too much vibrato for my liking, but she has potential.
“Hey, you made it.” Lola sidles up next to me.
“Yeah.” I shrug. “I figure it beats sitting at home.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re here. After you get your drink, come join Ryker and me.”
“I will.” I smile at her before she heads back to the table. When it’s my turn, I head to the counter and order a large mocha. After getting my drink, I weave in and out of the tables until I get to Lola’s.
“You gonna play?” Ryker asks after I sit down.
“I might.” I grin, bringing the mug to my mouth. Frothy foam paints my lips. I wipe it off with a small napkin and then it set it back down on the table. The girl on stage stops singing, and I hear her heels clicking on the stage as she exits. I take another gulp of my coffee, working up the courage to play. When I peer back up at the stage, my heart stops. No way. What is he doing here?
Beckett sits on a stool, his guitar in his lap. He’s wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt. When his eyes lock with mine, I find it difficult to draw breath. I turn toward Lola, a questioning look on my face, but she looks just as surprised as I am.
“I want to play a new song tonight,” Beckett says, yanking my attention back to him. “I wrote this song for someone very special; someone who changed my life. Someone who I thought I could walk away from, but I couldn’t. Star Evans.” He looks down at me pointedly, and heat creeps up into my cheeks. “I’m so sorry that I left. I thought that getting a recording contract and becoming a big star was all I wanted out of life until I met you. With you, I started to see that maybe there was more to this life than just being successful. Even so, when I got the opportunity to go to LA, I felt like I had to take it. I thought I would regret it if I didn’t. But Star, once I got there the only thing I regretted was leaving you. Nothing mattered without you being there to share it with me.” He takes a deep breath, and my eyes are glued to him. I’m afraid to move or even breathe. “I love you, Star. I just hope I haven’t screwed things up too bad between us.” He strums his guitar. “I wrote this song for you, Star.”
Unexpected
You came along
I tried to fight it
But you’re my song
What I was meant to sing
You’re all I want
You’re everything
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as Beckett stands from the stool and hops off the stage, guitar still in hand. When he repeats the chorus one more time, his free hand finds mine and he helps me out of my seat, drawing me to him. I allow my body to be guided. His arm wraps around me just as he hits the last haunting note. His face nears mine.
“I’m sorry, Star. Can you forgive me?”
I search his eyes and see nothing but sincerity. My head swirls. It seems like a dream. “Of course,” I whisper.
He lowers his head and captures my lips in his. Cheers and clapping sound all around us. “I love you, Star,” he speaks against my mouth.
My heart skips a beat at his words. I rest my hand against his chest, and breathe in the feel of him. “I love you too, Beckett.”
After saying goodbye to Ryker and Lola, I follow Beckett out to his truck. My fingers are woven through his, and I’m squeezing so tightly my knuckles whiten. It’s like I’m afraid to let him go. Now that he’s back, I want to be near to him for as long as I can. Cold air stings my cheeks as we walk side-by-side. Once inside his truck, I rub my palms together in an effort to warm them.
Beckett slides in beside me and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Man, I missed you.”
“Me too.” I smile at him. “How long will you be back?”
“Forever.”
I inhale sharply. “What?”
“I came back for good, Star. I’m not going back.” He scoots closer to me, laying his hand over my thigh.
It’s what I wanted, and yet now that he’s here I know I can’t let him do this. I can’t let him give up his dream for me. Placing my hand over his, I shake my head. “Beckett, you have to go back.”
“No, Star, I don’t.”
I sigh. “Since you left, all I’ve wanted is for you to come back to me.”
“Then there’s no problem.” Beckett winks, flashing me a lopsided smile.
“Except that you’re giving up your lifelong dream.”
“Star, when I first met you I was so worried that you would get in the way of my dream, but now I think that you’re the only person who can help me reach it.” He runs his fingers over my hand, causing chills to skitter up my arm. The windows around us fog up from the cold outside. At this point the parking lot is cleared out, and silence surrounds us. “My last night in LA I was in my hotel room, and all I could think about was how lonely I was without you. I realized that success wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t have someone to share it with. Star, I don’t want to make it on my own. I want you there with me.” He locks eyes with me. “And I think the two of us can make it together as a team. We’re good together. Musically and otherwise.” He flashes me a knowing smile that causes my stomach to flutter.
“So
your fan club didn’t keep you company, then?” I know I’m fishing, but I don’t care. I need to know.
He kisses me swiftly on the end of my nose. “I wasn’t with any girls in LA, if that’s what you’re asking. My heart belongs to only one girl now, Star.”
“And you have my heart fully and completely, Beckett.”
“Then I know I made the right choice.”
I frown. “But I don’t want you to ever resent me.”
“I won’t. I promise.” Leaning forward, he presses his lips to mine. I latch on to him, my mouth moving in sync with his. In his kiss, I taste his passion and love. I respond back, surrendering to him. When we part, I lean my head against the window, my fingers tracing the tattoo on his arm. When I get to his elbow I catch sight of something new. I squint and move forward.
“Did you get a new tattoo?”
Beckett grins devilishly. “I was wondering when you’d notice.” He holds out his arm, exposing his entire elbow.
My breath hitches in my throat. “It’s a star.”
“So you’ll be with me everywhere I go.” He steals a kiss on the inside of my neck, causing a wave of desire to shoot through my body. This whole night feels like a dream, and I seriously hope I never wake up from it.
“I love it,” I tell him.
“We better get outta here. There’s somewhere I want to take you,” Beckett says, moving away from me. I nod, and sit back. After putting the key in the ignition, Beckett starts the truck and heads out of the parking lot. The streets are dark, the streetlamps casting an eerie glow on the asphalt in front of us. Since I’m still not very familiar with Seattle, I have no idea where we’re headed. The only thing I can tell is that we’re not going to the campus or Beckett’s apartment. But I trust Beckett, so I settle into my seat letting the road rumble beneath me as he drives forward.
When he pulls over and stops the car, I glance up to see that we’re at a cemetery. The iron gate looms before me, dark and imposing. My stomach twists, and I instinctually know why we’re here.
When Beckett speaks, his tone is unsure and small. I’ve never heard him like that before, and emotion sweeps over me. “I’ve never come here, but I think it’s time.”