She'd made a promise—a bargain. She'd agreed to what she truly believed to be best for her child. The only thing that had really changed was that she'd realized how hard it was going to be to go through with the bargain. But that didn't give her the right to break her promise.
Standing, she thrust her fingers through her hair, pushing it back from her face. The gesture made her think of Dan brushing the hair back from her cheek, his hand gentle.
Kelly forced the memory away. Right now her emotions were a little too exposed for her to be trying to make rational decisions. She needed to get dressed, comb her hair, have a cup of tea. Maybe then she could think clearly again.
Chapter 14
1 ime didn't change the situation. She was still in love with a man who didn't return her feelings and she had still made promises she was beginning to doubt her ability to keep.
Dan was gone until early evening, leaving Kelly plenty of time to decide how to react when he got home. She was going to be cool and calm, no emotional scenes. With luck, he wouldn't insist on discussing what had happened
Luck was apparently not on her side at the moment
When Dan came home, Kelly was at the table, a math textbook laid out in front of her. Ostensibly she was studying to take the high-school equivalency test in two weeks. In reality, at the moment, she couldn't have added two and two without considerable effort.
The sound of Dan's key in the lock caused her to jump, her pen skipping around the flower she'd been carefully doodling on a notepad. Her plans to remain calm and collected scattered like dry leaves before a breeze. Her heartbeat accelerated and she was suddenly breathless with nerves. Her fingers clenched around the pen as Dan stepped inside, shutting the door quietly behind him.
Kelly drew a deep breath. She couldn't just sit here staring
at the table as if she didn't know he was there. That was hardly an adult way to handle things. And she couldn't stick her head under the table, which was what she really wanted to do.
Start as you mean to go on, she told herself. And she meant to go on in an intelligent fashion. Mature and controlled—those were her watchwords.
Kelly lifted her head, a polite smile ready to set distance between them. Her breath caught in surprise. She'd been so engrossed in her mental arguments that she hadn't realized how close Dan was. He stood right beside the table, not more than two feet away. But that wasn't what made her suddenly breathless. In his right hand, held out to her, was an enormous bouquet of spring flowers.
"Oh!" The small exclamation was startled from her.
She reached out, taking them from him hesitantly, her eyes lifting to his face. His mouth smiled but his eyes were searching and she looked away quickly, afraid of what he might see.
"Hi."
"Hi." She buried her nose in the bouquet, pretending total absorption with the flowers.
"I'm sorry for what I said this morning." There was no doubting the sincerity of his apology.
"That's okay," she said softly, keeping her gaze on the flowers.
"No, it's not okay. I hurt you and that's the last thing in the world I want to do."
"I know you didn't mean it I should put these in water." She stood, still avoiding looking at him as she moved into the kitchen. She was aware of Dan's eyes following her. Since there were no vases, she got out a pitcher. She watched it fill with water as if the fate of the world depended on getting just the right amount of water in it. But once the flowers had been placed in the pitcher and a few unruly blossoms tweaked into order, she'd run out of excuses to avoid looking at Dan.
"Thank you for the flowers. They're beautiful," she said, still not turning around.
"I'm glad you like them." There was a brief silence. "Aren't you ever going to look at me again, Kelly?" There was a sort of gentle humor in the question that gave Kelly the courage to turn around.
"Of course I am.'* She was proud of the casual tone of voice she managed. "I was just thinking about what to make for dinner. Since it was so warm today how does a chefs salad sound?"
"Fine. But I'm not particularly interested in talking about food right now. We need to talk about last night."
Her eyes skittered away from his face. "I don't see why."
"Kelly, we can't just leave it like we did this morning."
"I think we said everything we needed to," she insisted. "I'm not sleeping with you."
"All right. Nobody said you had to." She would have relaxed at his calm agreement but she knew that wasn't the end of the discussion. "Do you mind telling me why not? And why you made the decision after we'd just spent a rather incredible night in bed? You enjoyed last night, Kelly. Don't try and tell me you didn't. I felt the way you trembled in my arms."
His words brought the color rushing into her cheeks. Memories she'd been trying to forget all day flooded in, making her knees suddenly weak. She reached back to grip the edge of the counter, holding it so tight that her fingers ached.
* 'This has nothing to do with whether or not I enjoyed last night," she got out, keeping her voice level with difficulty.
"Then what is it?"
"I don't want to get...involved with you." Dan's eyebrows rose, bringing a new wave of color to her face even before he spoke.
"Involved? I hate to point this out, but I think we're already pretty damned deeply involved."
"I don't want to get any more involved, then." She focused on the top button of his shirt, which was open at the throat. Just looking at him brought memories of how right it had felt to be in his arms—but it hadn't been right. Letting herself think that was setting the stage for disaster.
"I know we started off on the wrong foot," Dan said slowly. "But I really thought we'd gotten to know each other in the past few months. I thought we actually kind of liked each other." His crooked smile sought to lighten the conversation, to ease the tension.
But Kelly couldn't force an answering smile. Like him?
What was she supposed to say to that? Like didn't even begin to describe her feelings for him.
"It has nothing to do with whether or not I like you. We made a deal."
4 'To hell with the deal," Dan said, showing irritation for the first time. "Forget about the damned deal."
"I don't want to forget about it," she lied. "In a few months we're going to go our separate ways. I think it would be foolish to get our lives any more entangled than they already are. You're going to go on with your life, building your business, being...a father." She had to stop, forcing her voice under control before she continued. "And I'm going to be going to school, starting a new life."
"And that's what you want?"
"That's what I want." Kelly met his searching gaze calmly, hoping she looked as sure as she had sounded. If he could see the quivering wreck she was inside, he'd never believe she meant what she was saying.
44 You want to just walk away when the baby's born, no strings attached?"
"That was the deal, wasn't it?"
44 Yeah. That was the deal."
There was a long silence and then Dan seemed to shake himself. "Don't worry about fixing dinner for me. I told Ben I'd meet him at the gym."
"Fine." Kelly turned away, fiddling with the flowers as if they had to be arranged just so.
44 Are you okay here?" Dan asked after a moment. "Do you need me to bring anything home?"
A new heart would be nice.
"No. I've got a lot of studying to do. I'll probably turn in early tonight."
"Well, then I'll see you later."
"Say hi to Ben for me," she said brightly.
"I'll do that."
Kelly didn't move until she heard the door shut behind him. Then her shoulders sagged. She stuffed a slightly mangled daffodil back into the bouquet at random. Tears blurred her vision, turning the flowers into an impressionistic painting.
She'd done exactly the right thing, she told herself. She re-
ally couldn't have done anything else. Which didn't seem to make it hurt any
less.
On the surface, nothing changed. They continued to live in the apartment together. Kelly took care of the cooking and cleaning, which didn't amount to much. The rest of the time she studied for her exams, immersing herself in the subjects she was weakest in, retreating into books, just as she'd done most of her life.
Dan had applied for the necessary licenses and permits to resurrect Remington Construction and was slowly putting together a crew and exploring the market for the kind of construction he wanted to do.
Nothing had changed and yet everything was different There was a tension between them that hadn't been there before, an awareness that made Kelly's skin tingle whenever Dan was in the room. She'd always felt a certain sexual awareness toward him. An awareness that had been easier to ignore when her only acquaintance with sex had been the confused and slighdy painful experience the night the baby had been conceived.
Now she knew exactly what it felt like to make long, slow love with him. She didn't have to close her eyes to remember the feel of his hands on her skin, the way his mouth had felt at her breast. Even though her mind was telling her that to repeat the experience would be courting disaster, her body wasn't listening. And neither were her emotions. She wanted to experience that closeness with him again, even if she knew it didn't mean the same things to him that it did to her.
If it was difficult for Kelly to ignore the attraction between them, it was near torture for Dan. He knew, far more than she possibly could, about just how extraordinary their coming together had been. Never had a woman fit so perfectly in his arms. Never had he felt not only physically satisfied but completed in some deep way.
To experience that for the first time in his life and then to have her turn around and throw their "deal" in his face had hurt more than he liked to admit.
It didn't take him long to decide that there was something
more to Kelly's denial than what was on the surface. She was using their bargain as an excuse, but that wasn't the real reason she'd pushed him away. He hadn't quite figured out what the real reason was, but he knew he would. If two years in prison had taught him nothing else, they'd taught him the value of patience.
Kelly wasn't going anywhere for the next few months. He had time to work on the problem.
The compact slid neatly into the parking slot and Kelly turned off the engine, pulling the keys out and dropping them into her purse. She'd had her license for almost two months now but the experience was still new enough for her to enjoy it.
Dan had bought the compact two weeks after she passed her test, ignoring her protests that it was too much. A license wasn't going to do her any good if she didn't have something to drive, he'd pointed out And the bright-blue compact was economical and easy to drive. He'd laughed at the way she'd carefully brushed dust off the fender before getting in it for the first time.
Kelly's smile faded. She hadn't heard Dan laugh in weeks. Not since—she broke the thought off and then forced herself to complete it. Not since the night they'd made love. There was no sense in pretending she didn't know what had caused the tension that stretched between them whenever they were together.
Dan was spending more time away from the apartment these days. True, he was about ready to launch his business and there were a lot of things to be arranged, but Kelly knew that wasn't the reason he ate out most nights, often not coming home until after she'd gone to bed. She would lie awake, unable to sleep until she heard the sound of his key in the lock.
She sighed as she opened her car door. Sometimes she wondered if she was nuts not to take advantage of the time she had with him. What if it was possible that Dan could come to care for her? She had come to know him well enough to know that he wouldn't try to shut her out of the baby's life.
Was it best for any of them for her to live on the fringes of
their lives? Certainly it would all but destroy her. And it couldn't possibly be what Dan wanted. He'd signed on to take care of her until the baby was born and then make sure she was established in a new life. Would it be best for her child to have his or her mother lurking in the background, never quite a part of their life, never completely out of it?
Just thinking about it was enough to give her a headache. Sometimes she'd have given anything to have someone to talk to, another woman who could understand what she was feeling. Several times she'd picked up the phone to call Brittany but she always put it down with die number undialed.
She'd forgiven the other woman for her part in that disastrous dinner. The road to hell might be paved with good intentions but that didn't make them any less well intended. And Brittany's intentions had been good. That wasn't the reason Kelly couldn't bring herself to complete the connection.
Every time she thought of calling Brittany, she could hear Dan saying that they'd been involved, and she'd picture the beautiful blond-haired little girl who'd clung to Michael's neck the first time they'd met. Dan's little girl. She was ashamed to admit that she was jealous. Dan had probably loved Brittany very much, maybe secretly still did love her. And she'd had his child.
Shaking her head, Kelly slid out of the car, slamming the door behind her. Sitting in the parking lot of a grocery store was hardly the place to try and solve all the problems in her life.
She tugged the hem of her loose smock over the bulge of her stomach. At nearly six months into her pregnancy, it was no longer possible to hide her condition and she had given up trying.
Kelly couldn't have said what it was that made her suddenly look up. She had been searching through her purse for the list she knew she'd put in there when some sixth sense told her that someone was watching her.
She felt her heart bump when she saw who it was. Her father glared at her from the corner of the building. His hair was a filthy tangle of gray, his coveralls were torn at the knees and stained with weeks of living. She stopped so abruptly that a woman behind her nearly ran into her. She swerved past, giving
Kelly an annoyed glance as she dragged two whining children toward the doors.
Kelly stared at the grubby old man. It was as if seeing someone from another lifetime. Her steps slow, she walked forward, unsurprised when he moved to intercept her. She stopped a few feet away, letting him approach her.
Hadn't he been taller? More imposing? Surely he hadn't always been so thin and ragged—pathetic, really. He was just a scrawny old man, in need of a bath and a haircut. He'd loomed larger than life in her nightmares. Dominating everything around him, nearly invincible. He wasn't anything like the enormous giant of a man he'd become in her imagination.
"Hello." She felt almost light-headed with the realization that she didn't fear him anymore. She didn't have to cower in terror just because he was near.
"Your shame is plain for all to see," he said by way of greeting. Even his voice didn't seem quite as imposing as she remembered. It seemed lighter, less threatening. Not the voice of authority anymore, merely the voice of a sick old man.
"I don't happen to consider it a shame," Kelly said calmly, one hand touching her stomach.
"You're far gone in sin. I saw you with him, bold as day."
"I don't believe I wish to speak to you," she said.
"You'll listen or your soul will be doomed to eternal damnation," he boomed, causing a couple leaving the store to turn and look at him.
"No," Kelly said, her tone so confident that he seemed startled. "You're not God's mouthpiece. You're nothing but a lonely old man. You've destroyed your family and now you're left with nothing." She paused, feeling as if she were shedding a burden she'd carried all her life.
"You are nothing."
The flat statement had the impact of a blow. Her father actually backed a step, his face paling beneath the ragged growth of his beard. Then his skin reddened alarmingly and he took a step toward her, one hand raised.
"You're a whore, displaying your shame for all to see, feeling no shame for what you've done. You'll pay for your sins. You and the bastard you carry."
Ke
lly was peripherally aware that her father's booming ac-
cusations had drawn attention to their confrontation, but she didn't turn away from him. Meeting his eyes head on, she refused to quail in the face of his rage. If she backed away from him now, she'd spend the rest of her life regretting it.
Her silent defiance seemed to drive his rage to new heights. He was actually trembling from his anger. For a moment, Kelly thought he was going to strike her, despite the onlookers. A part of her shook with terror, but she refused to let him see her fear.
What he might have done she would never know. The manager of the store, called perhaps by a nervous customer, pushed his way through the doors. A short but burly man in his sixties, he'd spent time in Korea and still walked with a military bearing. He took in the confrontation between the young pregnant woman and the filthy old man in a glance. His chin thrust out.
"Here, now. What seems to be the problem, ma'am?"
Kelly waited a beat before turning to answer him, making it clear that she wasn't looking away out of fear.
"There's no problem, Mr. Johnson."
"Do you know this man?"
She glanced back at the man who'd spent so many years trying to destroy her spirit and shook her head.
"No," she said clearly. "He's no one."
She walked away without another glance, entering the cool store with her spine straight. She did her shopping in a daze, hardly aware of what she was buying. By the time she'd paid for her purchases and gotten them to the car, reaction was beginning to set in. She drove home automatically and carried the two sacks of groceries up to the apartment.
She'd confronted her father. Kelly collapsed onto one of the dining room chairs as the thought hit her. She'd looked him right in the eye and she hadn't backed down. Her heart was still beating a little too quickly. Her skin felt warm. Now that it was over she felt dizzy and slightly sick. Putting her head down on the table, she took deep, slow breaths, willing her pulse to steady.
And that was how Dan saw her when he opened the door.
"Kelly!" He reached her in two strides, his heart pounding. "What's wrong?"
The Baby Bargain Page 19