I was in the library during my free period and humming to myself whilst trying to get through my History homework, when a low cough and a tap of fingers on my workbook had me jumping out of my skin. Jerking my headphones off, I glared. My heart hammered in my ears as Casper’s cold grey eyes stared down at me.
“This seat taken?” his low voice rippled through the air. I shook my head and watched with a tight chest, as he slipped into the seat beside me. I couldn’t help but stare with wide eyes; how had he found me? Was it a coincidence? A shiver ran through me as he unloaded a book onto the table in front of him, flipped it open and began to read it, as though I wasn’t even there. I frowned over at him, confused, but he didn’t seem to notice, so, reluctantly, I turned my eyes back down to my essay. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck prickle after a little while and before I could even properly think about looking up, I felt the vibration of my mobile going off against my thigh. Frowning at who would be texting me at all –considering that Isabel was in a lesson and had a very hawk-eyed teacher –I dug my phone out of my pocket. My fingers froze at the sight of the unknown number.
‘Stop staring.’
The message was simple and it was obvious who it was from, but even so my brain struggled to comprehend how it was happening. It buzzed again.
‘Stop looking confused. You look stupid that way. You gave me your number, obviously.’
I blinked as the memories slowly resurfaced through my mind and slotted together like a large jigsaw puzzle. That was right; how could I have forgotten something I’d willingly done not too long ago? With a shaking thumb I quickly tapped out a reply;
‘You know we can talk like normal human-beings?’
I looked up at he opened the text on his phone. There was barely any change in his outward exterior. His deft fingers were quick and agile over the touch-screen. I’d expected to see some form of reaction, if only in his eyes, but there was nothing. My phone vibrated against the table top.
‘I don’t want to.’
‘Why not? Does my voice offend you?’
I had really been hoping to get a reaction out of him with that one. Nothing. It was like cracking jokes at a statue. I wanted to sigh but the breath got caught in my throat. I looked down at my phone and before he could say anything else I tapped out;
‘Do you want to go out with me tonight and see a movie?’
That did get a reaction from him; he sucked in a breath and his pale eyes darted up to mine. A muscle ticked in his jaw when he caught me looking at him through my thick red fringe. I could hear the whistling from his breathing through his dry lips.
All of a sudden, I felt something raw and warm stirring around in my stomach. I had the sudden urge to lean over and kiss him, to see how those lips tasted. The only real thing that stopped me was the desire to not have my face punched in the middle of the library. I didn’t fancy a black eye on top of everything else, mostly because I didn’t want to explain just how eccentric Casper was to Isabel. She’d throw so many questions at me, most of them asking me as to why I suddenly wanted to spend time with the guy. I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. We needed to work with him and I was more than intrigued to get to know him on a personal level.
My gaze refocused on Casper as he leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. Was it a nervous habit? I sort of wanted to reach out and card my own fingers through his hair to see if it really was as soft to touch as it looked. His eyes burned into my skull like ice against my skin. I felt so cold from his gaze that I was convinced I’d soon see my breath rising up in front of me. My phone buzzed against my book once again.
‘Why would you want to do that? I already told you, it’s not going to happen between us. It can’t and there’s no point in experimenting with it.’
His text left a bitter taste at the back of my mouth as I quickly typed out a reply, my fingers feeling shaky as they flew over the buttons.
‘I’m not saying we rush into anything. Just come out with me. I promise you won’t regret it.’
As I waited for his reply I couldn’t help but feel my stomach flip uncomfortably. I hadn’t realised until that moment just how much I wanted him to say ‘yes’. Even if nothing happened and we just crossed another barrier between towards becoming more comfortable with one another. My phone buzzed, almost making me jump out of my skin.
‘Fine. I’ll meet you at your room at 7pm.’
Before I could look up and gauge his reaction, I heard him scoop his bag up and hurry out of the library without so much as a backwards glance. I was so tempted to text and ask what was wrong but I stopped myself. I didn’t want to freak him out more than he already appeared to be.
After a few moments of slowly trying to refocus my brain on my work I couldn’t help but feel a slow smile creep over my mouth. A boring day was suddenly improving; I was going out later with Casper Stokes and –oddly enough –I was looking forward to it. I knew I was trying to delude myself into thinking it wasn’t a big deal but I was intrigued by him. I couldn’t deny that.
I shifted in my seat and clicked my tongue; ever since that dream the other night I couldn’t get the black-haired boy out of my mind and I really wanted to spend more time with him. My breath caught in my throat as realisation dawned on me. I was developing a crush. I slumped lower in my seat and groaned; of all the times to get a crush, it had to be now and to someone as unbearably unattainable as Casper. I winced at the events unfolding around me all because of a couple of texts.
I sighed and started to shift my books into my bag. I needed to have a word with Camilla to see if this really was a good idea. She might try and talk me out of it or perhaps she would encourage it. I didn’t know what to expect but either way I felt it was best to let her know.
*
“So do you think this is a good idea?” I asked as I wrung my hands awaiting Camilla’s reaction. I’d hurried to her office as soon as I was out of the library, my hands clenched and my face lowered so that only the floor and my shoes were in my line of sight. I’d told her what had happened in the library and now it seemed as though I was veering on the verge of a self-imposed panic attack.
She watched me with her steady eyes for a while before leaning back in her chair, “You know what? I think this is a good idea. It would be good for both of you. Casper doesn’t have a lot of people he can hang out with and he keeps himself to himself for the most part. The fact that he even willingly sought you out is a sign that you’re in his good books.”
I frowned over at her. “I know he doesn’t have many –if any –friends. I think that’s why I want to reach out to him a little. Make him feel more included in the project instead of just the grade,” I sighed. “I guess he’s sort of … intriguing … in his own standoffish sort of way.”
“So you finally have a crush on someone again? After what Chris had done to you, I am a little surprised it’s taken you this long.” I frowned up at her and was about to protest when the look she threw me made me bite my tongue. I gave her a reluctant nod. She chuckled over at me, “That’s not a bad thing, Avery. It means that you’re finally getting over the hurt that man put you through. Now, I am going to advise you not to rush anything. That boy is –delicate –so you may want to go slow with him, okay?”
I nodded my head, “I just want to get to know him a little. I don’t want him to freak out whenever I’m close to him. I know he has issues but those can be worked around, right?”
She seemed to hesitate, contemplating her answer, “Yes,” she said slowly, “Maybe getting him a little out of his comfort zone would be a good thing.”
“Really?”
She nodded, “Yes and don’t worry. You’ll both be fine tonight. Just make sure to stop by for your medication before you leave, okay?
“So you don’t think that this is a bad idea then?”
She waved at me dismissively, “Don’t be silly. You both need to branch out a little more. I think you could be good for one another.”
As soon as I was in my room I managed to shower and went about warming up before I sat at my desk. I was tempted to have a cigarette and ease my frayed nerves, but I couldn’t simply give-in to every impulse I had. I clenched my fingers into a fist and pressed it against my mouth as my internet booted up and I typed in ‘Touch Phobia’ into Google.
As the pages loaded, I bit the inside of my cheek and clawed a hand through my damp hair. I was sure that there was something that could be done to put Casper at ease. Perhaps I could simply think of ways to interact with him without physical contact. A movie alone was a good start and possibly something to eat afterwards. We didn’t need to touch during those times if no one wanted to. It was safe by all means that I could think of.
‘Most people with haphephobia fear being touched by anyone, although some people are afraid only of being touched by those of the opposite gender. Haphephobia is sometimes triggered by sexual assault or another trauma, but more often, it seems to develop without any known cause.’
I couldn’t help but frown at that; was it possible that Casper had had a traumatic childhood? Had he been sexually abused by a guardian or someone he trusted? Or perhaps it hadn’t been an adult –could it have been one of his friends? I bit down on my lip and scrolled through another page.
‘The symptoms of haphephobia vary in severity depending on the level of fear. Some people are able to tolerate touch that they initiate or give express permission for the other person to initiate. Some are able, over a long period of time, to build enough trust to overcome their reactions with one or two specific people. Others are uncomfortable with any form of touch at all.’
At least, judging from the information, it was possible that Casper may eventually trust me enough to allow a pat on the shoulder. There was hope and in that moment that was all I really wanted.
As I scored over the numerous issues and bullet points the web pages offered, my mind racing, I was unaware of how much time had gone by until my alarm bleeped a quarter to seven, meaning I only had fifteen minutes to get ready.
My chest grew tight.
Despite the fact that it wasn’t technically a date, and I shouldn’t have been panicking about my appearance, I suddenly found myself rejecting every shirt and jacket I had in my wardrobe. I started to feel flustered as the minutes ticked by. I was in front of my mirror and running my fingers through my dark red hair, the ends still damp despite my dryer, when the knock on my dorm door made me whip around and almost trip over myself to answer it.
Despite knowing who was on the other side, I felt my stomach flip when I opened it to see Casper standing before me. His pale eyes stared up at me through the thick black strands of his fringe that were so glossy it made my fingers itch. I dug them into the door out of sight as he shifted awkwardly. He looked dark and forbidding in a white long sleeved shirt under a black denim jacket, which seemed inappropriate given the brutal weather outside and his dark jeans over black combat boots. A chain hung loosely around his neck and disappeared under the neckline of his shirt. His skin was pale and looked so flawless and fresh I wanted to reach out and smooth my fingertips over him.
I dug my nails into my palm.
“Hey,” his low voice washed over me like a wave crashing down onto the shore and I felt the breath escape my lungs.
“H-Hi,” I managed. Why on earth was I sounding nervous? It wasn’t a date! I hastily cleared my throat. “Are you ready to go?”
He narrowed his eyes at me but nodded, slipping his hands into his pocket, “Yeah I’m ready.”
He turned and started to walk down the corridor. I quickly dashed back inside to grab my thick coat, a scarf and my wallet and keys off my desk before hurrying after him.
The wind carried a brutal frost, like icy teeth grazing at my skin, my mouth and chin barely protected by my scarf. The detour to Camilla had taken a little longer than I’d expected, but there wasn’t anything I could’ve done. The pills needed to be taken. Casper had simply hung back a little and waited for me.
Glancing sideways as frost flurries rained down around us, I saw that Casper seemed impervious to the cold; he was only hunched over a little but other than that, nothing about him shifted. His gaze remained glued to the pavement as we walked down the main street to the cinema. My hands were numb even buried deep inside my pockets. Soon enough we reached the high street.
I relaxed a little at the sight of those bright lights and the dazzling, if empty, shop windows. Beside me Casper seemed to unfurl as he looked up at the black night sky looming high over our heads. I looked down to see the smallest upward turn of Casper’s lips. The urge to just pull him against me and kiss him, was so fierce that I felt my heart ache. Instead, I settled for watching the small snowflakes twirl and dance through the wind and settle into his black hair. His nose and cheeks were tinged pink and I saw the faintest tremor run through him. I stepped a little closer so that I was in his line of vision, not missing his shift backwards.
I offered him my best smile despite how my lips trembled and my teeth chattered. “Come on, we can just about make it to the eight o’clock showing.”
He nodded. His bright eyes narrowed a fraction as I fell in step beside him. We made our way down the block to the cinema. “What movie are we going to see?” he asked.
“Whichever one you want that’s showing in the next twenty minutes!” I called back as I held the door open for him.
He frowned at the gesture, cutting his sharp eyes to glare up at me, before he squared his shoulders and marched inside.
As soon as I was inside and shaking snowflakes out of my hair, I glanced up to see the few that had settled in Casper’s black hair, melt with the sudden shift in temperature. He turned to me with his impassive face and nodded his head towards the counter. “Might as well see ‘The Hobbit’ since it seems to be the only one on right now.”
I glanced up at the projected screens and cocked an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure? I don’t mind waiting if you don’t.”
Casper turned his head back to the boards. “No, ‘The Hobbit’ is good. I’ve wanted to see it for ages, but everyone was busy over Christmas.”
The subtle note of awe and eagerness in his voice was enough to make me stride off into the queue to get the tickets.
“Want me to get snacks?” he asked.
“Sure that’s sounds good.”
I reached into my back pocket but he held up his hands and shook his head. “Oh don’t worry about it. I’ll pay for the snacks. You like popcorn, right?” he asked, his voice sounding stiff as though he wasn’t used to talking to people about the likes of movie-snacks.
He stilled seemed tense around me. Perhaps after the movie he would feel a little more relaxed in my presence. I watched as he went to get the snacks and drinks. By the time I’d gotten our tickets, Casper had been waiting off to one side with the assorted goodies the notion of impatience seemed lost on him. He was so impassive. He shot me a deadpan look as I made my way over, “What screen?”
“Oh um …” I checked the ticket, “Screen Four.”
He nodded and turned on his heel to make his way towards the double doors. I followed being careful to keep at least a foot between us. There was still some tension in his shoulders but as soon as the darkness of the theatre covered us, his posture relaxed even more in the dim lights. I couldn’t help but feel my stomach sink; he liked the darkness and the protection it provided. The light seemed to be hi
s enemy.
I slumped down into the seat beside him.
As the lights dimmed all the way down and the usual adverts started up on the big screen, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Casper’s profile; the curve of his jaw, the sweet button nose and the wide eyes with his heavy eyelids and the deep circles beneath them. Just as the main trailers were starting he raised the drink to his lips and as he sipped his eyes flickered to mine. He seemed shocked and offended that I’d been staring. He narrowed his eyes at me and shook his head as though to ask ‘What are you looking at?’
I flinched and shook my head before forcing my attention back to the screen, a hot flush creeping up my neck and making my palms clammy.
I forced myself to focus on the gritty special effects, the stomach-flipping instrumentals and the awe-inspiring battle scenes for the next few hours. I didn’t sneak a look over at Casper until the credits started to roll. I was about to get up out of my seat and shift along the row when I collided with something firm. I glanced down to see Casper’s leg blocking my way. When I turned to frown at him, he looked at me with the same impassive expression, took a deliberately long slurp of his drink and slowly shook his head. When I shrugged he used his toe to tap my knee. “Sit,” he practically commanded, “There are cut-scenes at the end.”
I dropped back down into my seat and watched his mouth twitch slightly in –dare I believe –amusement. We stayed in our seats until the final credits and the dim lights slowly came back on, casting an unnatural glow on the few of us who had stayed behind. Popcorn and sweet shards crunched underfoot as we made our way down to the exit. More people were crowded in the lobby to see the late night showings. I watched as Casper’s shoulder’s tensed up a little.
Caspers Ghosts Page 6