The smile quickly faded however, as I remembered just how long it had been since I’d seen him, not counting the previous night. I wanted to erase it, or at least go back and make amends instead of make the rift between us even bigger, but apparently being ill made me do insanely idiotic things, like touching Casper.
I wondered what he was doing right now; did he miss me? Did he miss the sound of my laughter the way I missed the sound of his? Did he miss looking over at me and relaxing, knowing that I was there? Did he want to come and knock on my door but was held back by the grief and frustration inside his own head? Was he sitting along in his room and running his fingers over the bow-strings of his violin, slowly drawing out long notes and wishing I was there to listen to them? I shivered and ducked lower into the cooling water, loathing how the temperature of it dropped drastically. I was tempted to climb out but I didn’t want to go and face Isabel, not yet, not now that I had Casper on my mind. There was a heavy weight in my chest that I couldn’t explain away with my family issue.
With a sigh, I sat up and washed my hair.
As I watched the soap run down my chin and the warmer water making my skin break out into goosepimples, I couldn’t help but swallow against the onslaught of tears that threatened to fall. I tried to take deep, calming breaths and focus on watching the red dye in my hair drip out in pale pink rivets. I grimaced at the sight. I didn’t have the energy to go out and buy the dye. It was so bothersome but I’d rather dye it than walk around with the same hair colour as my mum. Isabel knocked on the bathroom door, making me jump.
“Aves?” she called into the room, her voice tinted with concern, “Are you alright in there?”
“I’m fine,” I tried to keep my voice neutral, “I’m just about to get out now.”
“Alright well food’s almost ready so hurry it up!”
As I dried myself off and climbed into the clean clothes, I listened to her shuffling about getting our lunch ready. I towel-dried my hair, grimacing at my reflection; my natural brunette hair was peeking through the red dye and my skin still looked pale, with red blotches on my cheeks from the heat in the room. Closing my eyes, I calmed my breathing before heading out.
The food was simple but smelled good enough to make my stomach wriggle with hunger. She smiled and fiddled with the laptop on my desk-chair before a movie started playing, filling the silence with a comfortable murmur of plot, people and music. It was nice and soothing and drew me out of my musings for a while. By the time the food had been eaten and the movie had ended, Isabel sighed and stacked the plates together, before she grabbed my linen sack of washing and swatted my legs. “Alright you, time to wash this lot.”
I groaned and rolled my eyes before sliding off the end of the bed and grabbed the satchel from her hands, whilst Isabel picked up the small basket with detergent tablets in it. I followed her down to the laundry room and with her help I managed to separate my colours from my whites and used two machines for my stuff, popping in two pound coins into each, before sighing softly with relief. “Thanks for doing this,” I said softly as I looked over at Isabel as she sat on top of the dryer.
“For what?” she asked with bright eyes, picking off a chipped length of nail and flicking it behind the machine.
“You know what.”
“You’re welcome,” she gave me a sweet, cheeky smile, before sobering slightly, “I’m glad you’re feeling better, though. It’s awful to see you so run down.”
I gave her a wan smile before raking both hands through my hair, “Oh, if only I knew what the hell to do about my parents.”
“Pity you can’t trade them in for a better model,” Isabel joked lightly as she tapped her nails on the lip of the dryer. “Look they freaked out last time, I’ll admit, but you’re better now. I honestly think it could be good for you, going to see them.”
I hummed in thought before I was interrupted by the alarm on her phone. She jumped off the machine and dug the phone out of her pocket before turning the bleeping sound off. I frowned at her, wondering why she needed an alarm, “What’s that for?”
She groaned as she pocketed her phone again, “Revision,” she stated before rolling her eyes, “I have that mock exam next Wednesday and I really need to revise my notes. If I start in the next half hour I should get enough done.”
I grimaced sympathetically before opening my arms out for a hug. She slipped against my chest, looping her arms around my waist and squeezed, inhaling deeply as she snuggled her head against my chest. We stood like that for a few moments before she tiptoed up and pressed a kiss to my cheek, “I’ll text you in the morning to see how you’re doing, okay?”
I nodded. She quickly hurried out of the laundry room, her ankle boots echoing up the stairwell. I was left to wait for another hour for my clothes to wash and then tumble dry. I dragged a chair out from the corner of the room and settled down into it.
Somehow, I drifted off, my head resting at an awkward angle on my shoulder before the bleeping of the washing machine woke me up. I busied myself with emptying my clothes into two separate dryers through the fog that was clouding my mind. After another half an hour my clothes were hot and virtually dry, so I occupied myself in folding them all neatly together on the bench across the room. I normally didn’t bother with it, but I couldn’t find the energy to drag myself up the stairs to my dorm room. Mostly because I needed to go past Casper’s room and I didn’t trust myself in that moment to walk past his door and not knock on it. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t not see him, I couldn’t not talk to him, laugh with him, just be near him! I needed all of these things –I snapped upright, my skin flushing in a sickly manner. I was sure my fever was spiking again –at least that’s what I wanted to blame it on, because I refused to let it be the other thing. His note, however, still burned through me. It was like this boy was suddenly becoming something I needed like –oxygen. That damnable boy was becoming my oxygen. I groaned out loud and dropped my head against the brick wall.
I really did have it bad –and the fever wasn’t helping.
Chapter Thirteen
Leaving my room was like a voyage into the unknown. Every time I walked past his door I felt my heart skip a beat and the bottom drop out of my stomach. I wanted to knock on his door or text him but I refused to give into this emotion inside me. Isabel realised something was still a little off with me. I tried to play it off as still feeling under the weather from my latest phone call with my parents. Thankfully, it was my dad who had picked up the house phone.
“Hello?” he’d answered in the usual upbeat way when he didn’t recognize the number. It was no surprise to me that my number wasn’t saved into the home phone. Mum was probably scared that Katelyn would scroll through the address book and call me up.
“Hey dad,” my voice sounded strained and the word ‘dad’ tasted weird in my mouth. “I was just calling to let you know that … I will be coming home for the Easter holidays.”
“Okay that sounds good,” he trailed off, unanswered questions hanging in the air.
The silence was thick and heavy and before I could stop myself I licked my lips and hastily added, “And I’ll be bringing a friend, if that’s alright?”
“Oh right –that’s fine. The more the merrier. I’ll just let your mum know when she gets back.”
I’d almost asked where mum had been before realising that I really didn’t care. Instead, I swallowed and said, “Okay then. Well I will see you on the 24th then.”
“Sounds good to me,” he said with such forced cheerfulness my teeth ached.
“Okay well … Bye then.”
I’d ended the call before any more awkward silences could follow. I drew in deep, calming breaths before grabbing my jacket off the back of my chair. Slipping my key-card into my back pocket. I had some studio time and was determined to do a decent recording of each piece we’d all written together, along with something else I’d created for myself. Well, it wasn’t technically for me; I’d completed the sorry excuse f
or a piece the previous evening after my little epiphany in regards to Casper. As soon as I’d gotten back to my room I’d sat down at my desk and hummed various notes and sorted through old rifts and scattered chords that I’d thought were useless. Finally, I had something I thought was decent, I just needed to see how it sounded when it was played out on the piano.
The door to the music studio opened on my third knock and I was greeted by Ethan, the technician who usually organized everything and helped work the demo’s into something resembling ‘sound’. Ethan was a fairly tall guy with a blonde buzz-cut that was tucked away under a khaki green beanie. His usual vest shirt was under a checked t-shirt and his jeans hung a little too low on his hips, but he smiled easily as he saw me and clapped me on the shoulder. “I was wondering when you’d be stopping by, Avery,” he grinned as he steered me in through the door.
I rolled my eyes, “Well I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. Besides, I wanted these to be perfect before I let you see or hear any of them.”
Ethan let out a loud laugh and shook his head, “Ever the perfectionist, eh?”
I shrugged my shoulders and shifted the folder in my arms. “I was just working on something that I needed to finish. I prefer to do it all in bulks and I didn’t want it to be a waste of your time,” I smiled good-naturedly at him and he grinned back. He was used to my antics and behaviour towards music by this point. It was one of the few things I was serious about.
As I slipped into the recording booth and clamped the headphones down over my ears, I couldn’t help but feel nervous. I shuffled through my sheet music and tried to mentally prepare myself. I placed the sheets on the stand, cracked my knuckles –a bad habit I needed to get out of –and flexed my fingers over the sleek white keys of the keyboard. A metallic squeak echoed through my ears.
“Ready when you are, Avery,” Ethan called out through the headset.
I looked down at the paper, memorizing the first few chords so I could play them flawlessly before I placed my fingertips against the cool keys. I didn’t realise I’d been holding my breath until I played the first two chords and exhaled, the tension in my shoulders ebbing away as I eased into the rhythm of the music. I felt my eyelids drift shut, the music falling freely through my fingertips and twinkled out through the air. I felt shivers running through me as I moved my hands over the keys, my music coming to life exactly as I dreamed it would.
As soon as I got down to the last piece I felt my stomach drop out and my body became weightless. The rhythm slowed down and the excitable energy inside me dripped out through my fingertips and filled the air with soft, melancholy notes. My heart strings trembled as I played. At the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think of Casper and wonder what he was up to at that moment; would he care that I’d written a piece based solely on him? Would he ever want to speak to me normally, again? If I ever got the chance to play this piece for him, I hoped to get everything across to him that I hadn’t been able to say via text or emails or even in a rare surge of bravery in the hallway between classes.
‘I want to be there for you, even if you don’t want me.
I want you to be happy with me even without telling me.
I want you to know how sorry I am …
I never meant to hurt you …
I never wanted to make you scared …
I miss you …
I want you …
I need you …
I’m sorry …’
I took a deep gasp of air, my nose hot, as I felt my eyes brim and overflow with a few tears. Letting out another shaking breath, I drew the piece to its end, letting the last few notes carry on for a little longer than usual before releasing the keys. My shoulders shook as I dropped my head to my chest and let out a small, strangled sob.
‘Jesus Christ! I’m pathetic!’
I quickly rubbed at my eyes and wiped the tears away. I couldn’t believe I was actually crying in a recording studio, of all places! Scrubbing my cheeks dry I slipped the earphones down around my neck.
“Avery?” Ethan’s voice crackled over the intercom system. I let out a soft, shaky breath, “You okay in there mate?”
“Yeah –I’m alright just … thinking too much.” I tried to let out a shaking laugh.
Ethan didn’t say anything else and I was granted some false sense of privacy as I wiped my eyes. I turned my back to the window and neatly packed my sheet music away; trying to collect myself, as I clicked my folder shut and tucked it under my arm. I straightened up and squared my shoulders; time to leave.
Ethan turned in his swivel chair as I entered the studio and stopped short just as the door clicked shut behind me. He fixed me with a heavy frown. “Are you sure you’re okay Avery?” he asked in a concerned voice.
“Honestly? I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me.” I forced a smile before jerking my head at the door, “I’ll be off then.”
“Okay,” he hedged softly before clapping a hand on my shoulder, “Are you sure you’re alright?”
I nodded my head a little stiffly, “I just didn’t sleep as much as I thought I did, that’s all.”
Ethan hummed in a disapproving manner and I could tell by the way he turned to his laptop that he didn’t believe me. I suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable, like I needed to get out and breathe some different air. “Alright well make sure you rest tonight then,” he hedged before turning in his chair to look up at me, “Do you want me to email this session to you or should I burn it onto a CD?”
“Um …” throat was dry and I was gagging for air. “E-mail is fine.”
“Alright,” Ethan clicked a few things and over his shoulder I watched as the file officially saved and transferred to me. He swivelled around lazily in his chair and regarded me for a moment before letting a small smile grace his lips, giving him a softer appearance, “Take care of yourself mate. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be back here before you know it.”
He held my gaze for a moment before raising his hand and waving ‘goodbye’ to me as I ducked outside of the studio and into the main body of the Music Building. I breathed deeply before pushing myself off of the wall and focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
*
Three hours later found me curled up in my desk chair hunched over my laptop with my hood pulled down low over my eyes. I’d forced myself to have a boiling hot shower but even the effects of that were wearing thin. I couldn’t stomach any food, and water made my insides wriggle around like a bowl of worms. I had my earphones in and had played my pieces over and over again on my laptop. Despite trying to figure out what had triggered my crying earlier, I couldn’t bring the same result to the surface. My fingers were itching to reach for something; I flexed and clenched them until they started to sweat and slip over the keys as I typed a web address into my browser and waited for the page to load.
‘Hello, and welcome to OpenDiary.com!’
As I scrolled through the entries, my insides twisted. Some of them had been trivial little things, like the delay of a movie release or a book I’d been really looking forward to. The others had been rough-worded accounts of what was bothering me, especially in regard to my family and how they reacted to each piece of news that I gave them. Some were worded so roughly and harshly that it made me feel angry just reading over them again.
‘17th October 2010
Today was the day that I finally told my parents I was gay. Suffice to say it could have gone down a lot better. I think for the most part my Dad could grow to be okay with it, but you know different generation, different rules etc. However, my mum was less understanding; she told me to go and stay with my Nan for a couple of days while she could tell my little sister K what was happening. She thought I was a bad influence on my little sister and didn’t want her getting any ideas. She was acting as though my gay-ness was suddenly contagious now that it was being brought to their attention. It’s not like I’ve got fucking TB or
anything! I like men, ironically something I DO have in common with mother dearest. *Sigh* I had to storm up here as soon as I got to nan’s house and vent … But I don’t know what that stupid bitch wants from me; I lie, I’m a bad person, I tell the truth, I’m a bad person. I literally cannot win with that woman! Should I even bother with her anymore? I don’t know. At the end of the day she’s still my mum … But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be taking her shit lying down. If she doesn’t like me then that’s her prerogative. For now I think I need to sleep.
A.’
Looking back on it, I could see how my venom had seeped through my fingertips. Not much had really changed, only my mother and I were more aggressive towards one another in our spitting replies of sarcasm, on my part anyway. I scanned through a few more of the other posts. Some were just typed-outrage and it made my stomach coil in disgust at my vocabulary. Others were just late-night or early-morning delusions about how my life could be better in so many ways along with the comparisons to how my life actually WAS.
‘8th December 2013
I suppose my best just isn’t good enough anymore; it’s been three days since I found out what C.J. has done to me and yet I still feel numb. Am I angry? Of course I am but there was nothing I could do. It was too obvious by the end of it all that he was a grade-A C*** and I refuse to let him get inside my head –the only problem is, that dickhead is IN. MY. HEAD! I want him out and I want him gone, erased, but there’s nothing I can do. I just can’t wait to go back to Uni and just drown myself in my work.
Who knows if that’ll work?
Who cares?
A.’
Dropping back against my desk chair, I dragged my hands down my face and inhaled deeply, trying to ease the throbbing in my chest. I felt cold and clammy all at the same time and the air in my room started to smell stale. I needed to get out; I couldn’t be thinking about Chris, not tonight of all nights. Not after my emotional outburst in Ethan’s recording studio. My cheeks still burned with the humiliation of it all.
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