Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  Once I was dressed in jeans, trainers and a hoodie I followed Casper down the hallway where we parted ways at his door. My stomach was knotting as I made my way down the café. Isabel’s hair was easy to spot. The café was dotted with a few random stragglers working away on their laptops and sipping coffee. My skin felt itchy. The urge to just turn and run back to my room was over-whelming, but I knew that if I didn’t at least say goodbye to her, I would never hear the end of it. I drew in a deep breath as I neared the bar, reached out and tapped Isabel’s shoulder.

  She spun around on her stool, her straw between her lips. She smiled and hugged me with one arm before patting the stool beside her. “I was wondering where you were,” she grinned as the girl behind the counter came and took my order. It wasn’t like she needed it. I always ordered the same thing every time I was in there. “So, anxious about tomorrow?” she asked.

  I nodded and leaned forward on the counter, “So much so. I’m dreading it all.”

  She nudged my shoulder, “Don’t worry you’ll be alright. Things have been getting better recently, right?”

  Casting a sideways glance over at her, I felt my heart sink. I’d down-played a lot of my ‘bad moments’ to her. I hadn’t wanted her to worry, as selfish as that may be. “I guess. I’m still not looking forward to it though. How would you feel if your mum insisted you join her in going to church to ‘pray for my health’? Like talking to the ceiling is going to do me any good.” I stirred some sugar into my coffee.

  Isabel snorted, “Oh yeah I bet that’ll be fun!” she giggled, “When was the last time you actually went to church with her?”

  I pretended to think. The date was engraved into my mind, “At the start of Christmas holidays. Before it all went wrong.”

  Isabel sobered up a little before she stroked her fingers over my arm, “It’ll be alright, sweetie.” She gave a little squeeze, “You’ve been getting better and your grades have improved. They can’t find fault with you this time.”

  I snorted as I took a sip of my coffee and grimaced. Far too sweet it set my teeth on edge. “I don’t even think it’s ‘faults’ they’re looking for,” I shrugged, “They just have this image of the perfect son, and they’d even settle for an ‘okay’ version of me, as long as it meant no episodes and no boyfriends.”

  Isabel chuckled lightly, “Yeah well my mum is all about the boyfriends. Every other time we talk she wants to know if I have someone.”

  “You should just lie.”

  “Tried that, remember?” she grinned, “It didn’t work so well when she came up to visit and there was no boy there.”

  “So ask a friend. Like Ethan. He’s free, good-looking and straight.”

  “What, you think it’s that easy? If that’s all my type is, then I should have a line out the fucking door.”

  We laughed together. It felt good to laugh but the bitterness crept back into my mind. When I glanced over at her, I saw the bright lights from Ethan’s party, the possibility that she had almost seriously injured Casper. I could pray that it wasn’t her but praying had never done me an ounce of good, and I didn’t see God striving to change my mind now. “Some of the heat might be taken off in the first couple of days due to everyone getting to know Casper,” I shrugged noncommittally as I took a long drink from my coffee.

  Silence met my ears. I turned to see Isabel with an incredulous expression on her face. I frowned, “What’s wrong?”

  She shook her head slowly, suddenly fascinated with poking the foam on her drink with the straw, “It’s just strange how close you two have suddenly become.”

  “It’s hardly sudden,” I muttered dryly.

  “It is. Three months ago you didn’t even know his name and now you’re taking him home with you?” she scoffed and rolled her eyes.

  “I needed someone to go with me, Isabel, and you’re busy going to see your own family and taking a week trip to France. I can’t be alone right now.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me but instead of asking what was wrong, she huffed through her nose, “Still. I don’t like it.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Fuck that, she looked insulted, it was funny! “Are you kidding? He’s a nice person! Just because he’s sarcastic sometimes –”

  “HA!”

  “-Doesn’t mean that he’s a complete arsehole!”

  “That’s you’re reasoning? If that’s your logic, Avery, don’t let me stand in your way.” She splayed her hands out through the air, “Fine, ignore what I think! Ignore that this messed-up fucker is ruining your life!”

  “Excuse me,” I snapped, leaning away from her in my chair. Was she deluded? She’d been more absent in my life in the last few weeks than ever, and she had the audacity to judge Casper’s effect on me? “He has been helping me!”

  Her eyes glistened as she whirled around in her stool to face me, “Alright, alright! I get it! He’s perfect!” she slumped over the bar and dropped her head into her hands, “Thanks for making me sound like a bitch.”

  “I didn’t really need to point that out,” I snapped under my breath as I drained the last of my coffee.

  She glared at me before sniffing loudly. Raking her hair back from her face she huffed, “I’m just concerned. I don’t like him and I think he’s a bad influence on you.”

  “Isabel,” I tried to keep my voice level and calm as I reached out and took her hand in my own. “Can’t you just let me make my own mistakes?”

  She gave me a sympathetic expression before stroking her finger along my jaw. It tingled a little. She looked into my eyes for a while, the soft music flooding my ears and making me feel calmer. I’d barely registered the smell of her sweet perfume –the one I’d bought her for her birthday last year –when I felt her mouth press against mine. My heart wanted to leap out of my mouth. My stomach dropped out through my shoes and my brain was screaming and throbbing in my skull. As soon as I registered what was happening, I jerked away.

  “What the fuck!” I spat out as I cuffed my sleeve against my mouth.

  Her expression was fraught with worry and offence. “Thanks,” she snapped turning to grab her bag off the stool, “Thanks for making me feel even more worthless than I already am!” She turned to get of the stool but my hand jerked out and snatched her sleeve.

  “You kiss an obviously gay guy who is also your best friend and suddenly it’s all about you?” I snapped. People were starting to look but I didn’t care. How dare she act as though she’s the one suffering! “What the fuck were you thinking?”

  Instead of replying, she swung her bag over her shoulder and quickly stormed out of the café. I hastened to follow. The wind was like a cold slap and burned my lungs as I chased after her. She had only made it half a block before I’d caught up to her, grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. Tears had streaked down her pink cheeks. She looked up at me, fresh tears dripping down through as she shook her head, “I’m sorry Avery!” she wept as she raised a hand and choked into it.

  “Sorry?” I snapped, “You kiss me, run off and think ‘sorry’ covers it!” She raked her hair away as the wind whipped it into her face. Her nose was red and damp and she couldn’t look me in the eye. I tried to move into her line of sight, but she whimpered and stepped away. “Isabel, just look at me!”

  “NO!” she screamed out, whipping around to face me her eyes and fists clenched tightly. Her voice had been like a force shoving me backwards. “I can’t DO THIS ANYMORE!”

  “Do what?” I asked, forcing my voice to stay calm as much as I wanted to shout at her. I could feel fire burning through me, a tireless energy strumming away inside my veins. Everything was starting to buzz with anxiety. The instinct to hurry off to my bedroom and lock the door was over-whelming.

  Panting heavily, she strained to control her voice, “I can’t do this anymore Avery. I love you. I’m sorry but I do! I love you as a brother, I love you as a friend, but most of all I’ve loved you more than that for years and it breaks me up inside to see you wa
ste your attention on someone like him!” she spat the word as though even Casper’s name was poison to her. She inhaled shakily and took a step back when I tried to reach for her. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

  The brotherly part of me wanted to comfort her and tell her she’d be alright. The friend part of me wanted to hug her and take her back for coffee and ice cream and talk things through a little more rationally. Then there was the other part of me; the part of me that was broken, the part of me that couldn’t sleep properly at night and didn’t eat enough. The part of me that had fallen in love with Casper Stokes was the part of me that broke the silence chilling the air between us. “I know you brought drugs to Ethan’s party.”

  Isabel blinked hard, her eyes wide and her mouth falling open a little. She frowned and tried to work words out, “I … What’re you talking about?”

  “You brought pills to Ethan’s party and they somehow found their way into Casper’s mouth.” I felt sick just saying the words.

  She shook her head, “Seriously? You’d think I’d do that? I may not like him, Avery, but I’m not about to kill him!”

  “Then how do you explain the pills?” I snapped.

  “I don’t know! Maybe it was someone else! I promise you, I didn’t bring drugs to the party!”

  I narrowed my eyes, “So was there another person there who had blue hair?”

  “I don’t know, I didn’t really leave the sofa area,” she sniffed and cuffed her nose, “Look, I don’t know who told you this crap, but I didn’t bring drugs. I may have had a small pack of anadin in my purse but that was for my revision session.”

  I sighed and ran a hand down my face. It was true that something as controversial as painkillers and energy tablets would have a negative effect, especially when combined with alcohol but I wasn’t sure if it was the reason why Casper had flipped. Regardless, I couldn’t be around her. Not with that knowledge in my head. She seemed to understand my train of thought, because she shook her head and cleared her throat, “Look if you think that low of me right now, then I think it’s best if we don’t talk for a while.”

  I fixed her with a hard look, “Sounds good to me.”

  For a split second, we were both naked to one another; stripped down of our insecurities and anger. We were bared to one another and for a moment, I wanted to try and get back to how we were, when one another’s company was more than enough for either of us. Perhaps some time apart would be good. We both had a lot of thinking to do. All of a sudden, going home to see my family seemed the lesser of two evils. Sighing heavily, she shuffled awkwardly, “Alright well … I’ll see you around, I guess.”

  “Yeah,” I breathed, “See you.”

  My trainers squeaked on the floor. Anger swelled and burned inside my head and words screamed in my ears. ‘YOU’RE SUCH A PUSSY!’, ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?’ and ‘YOU DID THIS TO HIM!’ echoed dully as I forced myself into my room and slammed the door closed. The voices wouldn’t drown out. They rang true; if Casper and I hadn’t become friends, he wouldn’t have known about the party or at the very least wouldn’t have gone there to look for me. He wouldn’t have taken the tablets and he wouldn’t have had an episode. The logic was there, glaring at me every time I closed my eyes. There was no escaping it. I’d done this to him. He would have been fine, in his room and safely tucked away in his bed if it hadn’t been for me.

  I crashed through my bathroom door and ripped my jumper off. The neck-hole tugged at my ears and threatened to choke me. After tossing it into the corner behind the door, I reached over the sink to the small cabinet.

  Where were they? Where were they?

  I felt panic rise inside my throat as I hastily shuffled the shelves, looking for them. My fingers found something cold and hard. I pulled them out and felt my stomach knot as they gleamed in my hands.

  A pair of sheering scissors.

  My eyes darted up to my reflection. My throat suddenly felt tight as a chill ran down my spine. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up on end. I clawed my hand through my hair, my fingers trembling as I curled them around a thick strand. Holding it away from my face I raised the scissors. The squeak of hairs breaking against steel resounded in my ears as I dropped the handful into the sink. Staring at that one shorn strand made me feel cold and sickly all over. There was too much hair on my head. It had to go. Grabbing hold of another thick strand of hair, I sliced the scissors through them a little quicker, my hand still trembling, making the length uneven. Not that it mattered. I started cutting chunks out erratically, the sink flooding with red hair. Out of the corner of my eye it looked like blood. I tried not to think on how easily I could slip and cut down my throat with the blades. The metallic rasping of the scissors irked me but I continued on as my body grew hot and trembled violently. My head was burning up and ached badly. I just wanted to go to sleep and be left alone. I wanted nothing but softness and darkness. I hadn’t realised tears were streaming down my raw, red cheeks until a clump of hair glued itself to my skin.

  “AVERY?”

  The sudden pounding on my bedroom door made me jump, almost cutting the blade across my forehead. I braced my scissor-hand against the sink and drew in deep, shuddering breaths. I swallowed a few times, trying to calm myself. There was barely any time for my heart to stop racing before my bathroom door flinched in its frame. “AVERY?” Casper’s voice boomed out, echoing through the door and making my body feel brittle, as though the very volume of his voice would shatter me. “Avery, open this goddamn door now!”

  Was he worried? Why would he be worried? Had I made that much noise when I’d stormed inside? His knocking continued until I managed to squeak out, “Go away!”

  He hesitated, “I’m not leaving until you open this door.” Another pause, “You know it’s pointless. We’re heading out on a train tomorrow morning. I can be patient and wait all night, break the fucking door down, or you can open the door now and get it over with.”

  My hands were clammy. I could smell my own sweat. My anxiety flared and the tears ran down my cheeks once again. Squeezing the scissors tightly in my hands, I clenched my eyes and fought the impulse to whimper out. With a quaking hand, I slid the lock out of place and the door creaked open. Casper stood there, leaning idly on the doorframe with his usual unreadable expression on his face. As soon as he saw me, I saw anger flash in those eyes as he straightened up and reached out to me. I flinched and turned from him. As soon as his fingers slipped through my short hair, I let out a small croak. I was choking on all the knowledge that was pent up inside me. His fingers were patient as they stroked. My head started to tingle and I felt the heat of his body creep up behind me. Within moments he had me turned around and was holding both my wrists down in between our bodies. The scissors dangled like a pendulum, back and forth. His forehead nudged against my own.

  “What did you do?” he breathed.

  I shook my head, rubbing our skin together. I let out a wet breath, “Didn’t like it anymore.”

  “Is that all?” he urged calmly. I shook my head. “I’m guessing your talk with Isabel didn’t go too well.” It wasn’t a question, and that fact left me feeling vulnerable. “Want to tell me about it?”

  That was the last thing I wanted to do! Fear spiked through me but I tried to keep my voice level as I rasped out, “Not really.”

  We stood that way for a little while, neither of us speaking. His fingers stroked my knuckles softly, before working the scissors out of my hold. Nudging my shoulder for me to sit down on the rim of the bathtub, he straightened up and ran his fingers through my hair. “I’m just going to try and neaten this a little. Don’t flinch.”

  I tried my best to sit still as the blades rasped near my ears. His fingers threaded through my shorn hair, getting the length symmetrical. A shiver ran through me as he blew hair away from the back of my neck. He didn’t take too much off my fringe; he simply trimmed the split ends away and made it rest down just under my eyebrow. When he finally let me look in the mirror for
the final results I had to admit he’d done a good job of neatening the mess I’d made. I ran my fingers through it a couple of times, transfixed by the sudden drastic length, and let out a choked little laugh as I turned my head from side to side.

  “Your artistic talents know no bounds,” I muttered weakly. After a few moments Casper reached up and ran his fingers over the nape of my neck. My body shivered. “I’m sorry,” I finally breathed, letting my eyes flutter closed.

  “What for?”

  I turned around so that I was leaning with my back against the sink. He looked at me, his features softening as he waited patiently for me to talk. Yet another thing I loved about him. “I … I’m just sorry. For everything.”

  That’s when the floodgates opened again, despite how exhausted I already was from crying. Casper’s strong hands came up and squeezed my shoulders as I sank down to the cold floor. He guided my head to rest against his own and he rubbed his thumbs in firm, soothing circles into my muscles as I shook.

  “There’s no reason to be sorry,” his voice rasped in my ear. The sound alone calmed the nerves that were going crazy inside me.

  I wanted to believe him but the dull whispers inside my head kept telling me that I was to blame. Sighing heavily, I let exhaustion over-whelm me so much so that I barely felt him easing the scissors out of my limp fingers. Not that I cared about them anymore. I just wanted the calm of the darkness that only sleep could bring. “Will you stay tonight?” I asked quietly, trying to gauge his reaction.

  He gave my wrist a gentle squeeze. “I can even bring my book so I can read to you.”

  As stupid as I knew I looked, I couldn’t help but feel delighted at the thought of Casper’s low voice lulling me to sleep. It had comforted me greatly the last time he’d done it. “Really?” I asked disbelievingly.