Before I could even say anything, I felt myself being guided up towards towards my room. The cream walls and beige carpets passed by in a blur. The photos hanging on the walls of my family through the stages of life morphed and warped into aliens from horror films in my eyes as I followed Casper’s blob of black hair bobbing in front of me. I bumped against the banister and walls several times before the thud of the bedroom door closed behind me.
“You’re terrible,” I grunted as I felt my shirt being plucked over my head. I felt awkward and swayed on my feet. I wanted to throw up as I felt the softness of the mattress catch me and cradle me softly.
Fucking tablets.
“Why is that?” Casper’s distorted voice murmured.
“Baiting my mum … Being sarcastic and sexy …” He snorted with laughter as my belt and jeans vanished and I was left splayed in a shirt and boxers. I felt so cold. Curling my legs up to my chest I let out a whimper. “Don’t do it anymore! You had your fun just stop … Please?”
He sighed. At least I think he sighed. It could have been the wind for all I knew. The duvet draped over me and I reached out and tugged the hem of his shirt. The mattress dipped with his weight as he fell over me. “Woah Fletcher be careful.”
“Don’t antag –antag –don’t make her mad,” I mumbled softly. I wanted to tell him it was for his benefit. That I didn’t want him thrown out on his arse for no other reason other than kissing me once in a while. Yet, none of these words took shape from my mouth as I let my hand drop and I felt the mattress shift.
He ducked his head before murmuring, “Alright, I’ll be a good little boy. Now go to sleep. You look shattered.”
There was no kiss to my forehead, no hand stroking my hair no nothing that indicated he had stayed with me as I slipped into the black fog and into sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The following day was a Monday. That meant no early starts for us ‘kids’ and no unnecessary church. It also meant I could endure my hangover-like state, thanks to the pills, in relative silence. My duvet fort protected me from the sun and my pillows allowed my aching body to rest. I had no idea what made me feel so exhausted but every muscle throbbed. Down on the floor Casper slept soundly, wrapped in his own cocoon, his messy black hair sticking up in every direction. He was bundled up like a big, powder blue caterpillar. He looked quite cute with his eyelids fluttering in his sleep.
I shifted over to the end of the mattress and peaked out from my cover; the room was dimly lit and I felt miserable just lying there without Casper awake and talking to me. I wanted his voice in my ear. I wanted to know that he was awake and … just there. Groaning I flopped over onto my back. The cool air made me shudder. I could smell my own body. I desperately needed a shower but I wasn’t in the mood to move or stand and wash. Huffing, I opted to wrap up in my dressing gown and at least brush the sour taste from my mouth.
Whilst I was brushing my teeth Katie shuffled into the bathroom looking just as tired as I was and grinned when she saw me. She locked the door behind her before turning to me and leaning back on it.
“Morning hot stuff,” she grinned, ruffling my hair again. “So when did you do this? Is it new?”
“Relatively new; only about forty-eight hours old. Casper did it for me.”
“Oh did he now?” she grinned slyly as she popped her toothbrush in her mouth and scrubbed.
“Go on spit it out,” I groaned as I combed my fringe out of my eyes.
She leaned over and hacked into the sink. Rolling my eyes as she grinned. “So is he your boyfriend or not?” I shook my head and she pouted, “But why? He’s cute! Plus he stood up to mum for you –sort of –that’s like, boyfriend material right there!”
I snickered at her and shrugged, “He doesn’t like labels.”
“Oh God he’s not one of those obviously gay guys who claims to be open-minded or some bullshit, is he?”
I laughed, “No, no! Nothing like that.”
We brushed our teeth in silence. Katie took my brush from me and put it in the cupboard, “Sooo what’s with the no touching thing?”
I glanced at her before shrugging, “I’m not too sure. He doesn’t like being touched.”
“But he touched you when he took you up to bed,” she frowned, cocking her head to the side.
“We’ve spent almost every day together for the last three months. He’s gotten used to me. He … He trusts me now.”
She watched me for a while before nodding. “That makes sense,” she hummed before smiling, “So what are you two doing today?”
Shrugging stiffly, the muscles aching, I yawned, “No clue. I feel a little groggy still. Did you have anything in mind?”
“Could just have a lazy day. Dad said he might take us to the cinema tonight if you’re up for it. Could have dinner at Nando’s or something.”
“What about mum?” I hedged awkwardly.
Katie rolled her eyes. “She said she was going to a neighbour’s house for the afternoon so who knows? I don’t care to be honest, not after what she did last night.”
“She gave me a warning. You can’t blame her, really.”
She glared at me and barred her teeth, “Yes I fucking can! You’re my brother, Aves! I want to spend time with you and she’s already made it awkward. I’ve missed you!” she thumped the cupboard door shut before sighing heavily. “She’s been frustrating since you left.”
“I went to Uni, I didn’t move out.”
“As good as,” she grumbled before turning to me, “I just really don’t want anything bad to happen again.” She twitched her mouth before shrugging again. It was almost like a tick she’d developed. “Anyways, Dad’s taking me to Bromley to see some friends and go shopping. Want to come with?”
My head started spinning as I shook it, “Nah I honestly feel like shit. I’ll be better by tonight but right now I think I just need to read and relax or something.”
She pouted and then cupped my face in her cheeks. I was suddenly transported to that evening during the Christmas holidays, when my hair had been longer and there had been so much blood. My body lurched away with the sudden chill. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me close, the warm softness of her making me want to cry at how comforting it felt. I hugged her back fiercely and only released her when she’d kissed my cheek.
“Alright go and relax with your hot ‘friend’,” she winked before unlocking the door and slipping out, her footsteps retreating to her bedroom.
I glanced into the mirror and stroked my fingers through my hair, making it look somewhat presentable. Dad was right, my hair did look a lot better now and it did frame my face, looking shaggy and stylish at the same time. I retreated from the bathroom without a backwards glance.
Casper was awake when I entered my room. Not only was he awake, but he had clearly gone through my stuff and found a few old scrapbooks that I’d made in my secondary school through to college years. I’d been especially creative during my teen-angst moments and it had helped me to cope. He had them propped around him in a semi-circle, one spread open in his lap. He idly flicked through the thick, brightly coloured pages. “What’re you doing?” I asked as I closed my door with a light kick.
He didn’t look up as he thumbed over another page, “I just wanted to see what you were like before.”
“Before what?” I asked settling down beside him on crossed legs. Glancing over his shoulder I saw that he’d been leafing through one from my last year at college. He had the page open to a sketch I’d done of my ex, in nothing but a pair of jeans lying on the grass. We’d been in the park that day, in the middle of May and lounging around enjoying the Saturday sunshine.
“Before you changed and needed someone to look out for you.” This time he did look up at me, his face stoic but his eyes were calm, almost soft as he idly flicked the page over without breaking eye contact. “At least now I know you were lying about being an ‘okay’ artist.”
“I am only okay,” I insisted.
/> He rolled his eyes before shutting the book and dragging the latest one I’d been working on into his lap. Only the first few pages had any images on them. I’d been working on it over the Christmas holidays but hadn’t gotten very far before my episode. “You’re good. I’m surprised you didn’t take art up.”
“I wanted something else to fall back on,” I stated with a shrug, “Art is great but I don’t want to study it. I’d prefer to just … Do it in my spare time.”
He nodded as he flipped to the first blank page and stared at it before snapping it shut. “You should make another one of these. Start a fresh one.”
I glanced down at the book with only five pages filled. “Yeah maybe I will when I get some spare time. Maybe after graduation, I’ll just collect things until then.”
Casper leaned back against the wardrobe and fiddled with one of the bracelets on his wrist. He dragged his knees up and hung his arms limply between them. “So what’s on the agenda for today?”
Slowly I mirrored his position, “Nothing much really. My dad’s taking us out for dinner and a movie tonight, if you’re up for that?”
His mouth twitched into a small smirk, “Yeah that sounds good. Your mum won’t be there, will she?”
I snorted, “No, don’t worry. She won’t be there. My dad may be passive at the best of times but he’s not an idiot. After last night I think he knows that we need time away from her.”
Cocking his head he asked, “Why does he stay with her if he doesn’t like how she treats you?”
“Like I said, he’s passive at the best of times.”
Casper huffed another smirk. “Yeah well don’t worry. I promise I won’t get sick of you.” He winked at me when he saw my cheeks blush pink. I ducked my head but without the long hair to hide my face it didn’t accomplish much.
I toyed with a frayed thread on my dressing gown before running my eyes over his bare legs and up his t-shirt clad body. “Can I ask you something?” He rolled his eyes before nodding. “Why don’t you touch me?” I breathed out, my voice shaking a little.
“I touch you,” he retorted dryly.
“Not just on the arm or giving my leg a squeeze. You touch me through the blankets or my clothes, sure, but I mean … You never hug me. We barely kiss. There’s even distance between us when we share a bed!”
He frowned but instead of getting angry and distancing himself, he leaned forward a little and pinged one of the bracelets. “You remember I told you that I don’t like touching?” I gave him a deadpan look. “Right well … I sort of have a system of things I can do.”
“What do you mean?”
“There are five stages that I can handle,” he stated.
“Well what are they?” I asked as I readjusted my position against my bedroom door.
He licked his lips and then a teasing look came into his eyes. He grabbed a sketchbook from the pile and flipped open to the first page which was –surprisingly –empty. He fumbled around and grabbed a sharpie marker and started to write in long, cursive letters. I sat patiently and watched his hand move over the top of the book, the tip of his tongue caught between his front teeth. Once he was done with a flourish, he capped the pen and flipped the book around for me to see. My mouth twitched into a wide smile as I gazed at it.
7. Proximity
6. Holding Hands
5. Kissing
4. Touching
3. Hugging
2. Love
1. Sex
Tilting my head to the side I frowned at the list. “Why is it written upside down?”
Snorting he replied, “It’s like a countdown. The more comfortable I am with someone the more things I’m able to do with them.”
“Why is hugging above sex?”
“Because hugging is like … the closest you can be with someone without having sex. There’s no more distance between you. You give all of yourself and accept the other person wholly. You embrace them and protect them and promise them a million and ten things that you know you can never keep. You anchor them to reality and embrace the worst things about them, whilst showing you don’t care about them.”
Swallowing thickly, I kept my voice low as I said, “So what does sex mean to you then?”
His eyes looked a little far-away as he murmured, “Sex is all of that, and more. So much more, because you are letting them become one with your body, almost like you’re merging into one, mind, body and soul. It’s literally the ultimate expression of love.”
“Have you ever … h-had sex?” I asked thickly.
“No,” he blinked and readjusted his gaze to focus on me, “I don’t even masturbate.” He added with a faint blush, “As soppy as it sounds … I want … need my first time to be with someone who I trust and hopefully even love.”
I suddenly felt hollow and peaceful all at the same time. “Do you think you and I would ever get to that final stage?” I murmured, dropping my gaze down to my lap. The entire situation had gone from emotional to stifling awkwardness in the blink of an eye. His eyes bore into the top of my head but I refused to look up.
“I’d like to think we could,” he said gently. He reached over and tugged at the hem of my pant-leg, “Baby-steps, Fletcher, baby-steps.” He leaned back and the weight of his hand left my leg. “So come on, show a guy a good time. Let’s do something.”
Snorting, I glanced up, “Yeah? Like what?”
This time it was his mouth that gently pulled into a smile. “Let’s go for a jog.”
*
By the time Casper and I had gotten out of the early summer heat and into the cool of my kitchen, we both had sweat stains on our shirts. We were either really hot or had caught more sun than I’d realised was possible. I made a beeline for the fridge and gotten two bottles of water out, handed one to Casper, and downed half of mine in one greedy gulp. Casper took his slower and panted through each sip. I shuddered as the cold water clashed inside my steaming body. We’d jogged for the best part of an hour, worked up a sweat and I felt clear-headed for the first time in a while. Not even my morning pill was affecting me.
Casper breathed deeply before swiping his damp fringe out of his eyes. “Well if we do that every day you’ll soon get back into shape,” he grinned as he flicked some condensation in my eye.
I grimaced, wiping a hand down my face, “I’m not that out of shape, Stokes.”
“Oh ho! Using my last name, eh? Naughty boy,” he chided before flicking at my shoulder through my shirt.
Rolling my eyes I flexed my shoulder muscles and sighed softly, letting the cool air cleanse my lungs. “Jeez, I didn’t think I was this out of shape!” I gasped out rubbing the nape of my neck. “So is this going to be a regular thing?”
Casper cocked his head, “It can be if you want it to. Exercise has worked for me.”
“In what way?”
“Venting stress,” he stated as he flicked his damp fringe out of his eyes, “And basically getting me so exhausted that I don’t have the energy to do anything else.”
I watched him for a little while, almost desperate to read his thoughts. Our earlier conversation flashed through my mind as his hand dropped away. I took another long swig before sighing softly. “Touch me.”
“I just did,” he scoffed.
Shaking my head I put my bottle on the side behind me, and stepped closer to him. “Not like that,” I murmured taking his hand in my own and wrapping his long fingers around my forearm, “Like that.”
His hand trembled as he tried to will it to stay in place on my arm. His breath hitched as he focused his gaze on his tense fingers. I didn’t move any closer. I simply studied him for a little while, watching his breathing grow harder, watching his pulse throbbing in his throat and strands of his black hair dropping in front of his eyes.
The sound of a key in the door made us jerk apart.
I grabbed my bottle and started to drink. I needed to keep my hands and mind occupied with menial movements. Casper had tensed up and dropped his gaze to
the floor, giving me a brief, shy once-over before returning his attention to studying his hands. “Hello?” called my mum’s voice from down the hallway.
“We’re in the kitchen!” I called out tightly, wanting any interactions between us to be over with as soon as possible. After last night I didn’t really want to be around her.
She appeared in the doorway and gave me a fairly calm smile before her eyes landed on Casper. The smile tightened almost instantly. “Oh hello Casper,” she said stiffly before turning her back on him and putting her bags on the counter near me, “Where’s your dad and Katelyn gotten to?”
“They went out to Bromley,” I said, “Katie wanted to see some friends and dad went with her.”
She turned to me to snap out a correction. I glared at her fast, daring her to start an argument over something so petty. I must have looked somewhat intimidating, with my damp fringe and flushed cheeks, towering over her. She hesitated before snapping her mouth shut and forcing another smile. “Well, I suspect she’ll be back soon. Your dad will have to sort dinner out tonight, because I’ll be going round to your aunt’s house.”
“Dad said he was taking us out to the cinema,” I replied tartly.
“Good,” she straightened from where she’d been putting some tins into the cupboards, “Then we won’t miss each other, will we?”
Faking a smile I replied, “No we won’t!” before brushing past her and heading towards the door, Casper hot on my heels.
As soon as we were in my room I prepared to turn to Casper and apologise when I felt his hands fisting my shirt and forcing me back up against the door. The wind was knocked out of me as muscle collided with wood. “Hey watch it!” I gasped as his knuckles ground into my chest.
Caspers Ghosts Page 25