“Did you get any revision done?” he asked as we moved across the roof and started to descend the ladder.
Focusing on the sting of cold metal in my palms I coughed. “Not a whole lot. It was just … too difficult to focus.”
“Want to do some tonight?”
“You want me in your bed?” I asked incredulously as he dropped down onto the ground beside me.
He stood still for a moment, observing me with quiet fascination. “That opinion hasn’t changed. Despite this blip, none of that has changed. What I said earlier is still true. I want all of those things and I want them to be with you.” He stepped closer and smoothed his hands up my arms before linking them behind my neck. He leaned closer and rubbed our noses together. It was so affectionate of him that I found myself breathless before I placed my hands on his hips.
“You really want me to be your first?” I asked in a hushed voice, too scared to speak aloud in case I scared the idea away.
As if reading my mind, he smiled and nodded, stroking my fringe out of my eyes. “Yeah, I really do.”
“Good.”
I bent down and kissed him, gasping into his mouth as he tightened his hold on my neck. My eyes burned with happy tears as I buried my hands in his dark, silky hair. We were stronger together and I’d do anything to keep it that way.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The next two weeks seemed to go by relatively drama-free. I don’t know if that was because Casper and I were practically glued at the hip, my strict sessions with Camilla every few days or the fact that my pills were making me too tired to do much after each exam. I only had three exams, but the anticipation had my mind panicking. The first two went okay. However, it was the final one that had broken the camel’s back. I don’t know what it was the triggered the panic attack, all I know is that all of a sudden the white noise built up to a crescendo in my ears, drowning out even the sound of the football team playing just beyond the brick wall. I vaguely remembered seeing the floor rush up to meet me.
I came to in the sterile brightness of the medical room with Camilla dabbing my forehead. My skin still felt clammy. Trying to move didn’t work too well either as a wave of dizziness overcame me and I was forced back down.
“Don’t get up,” a soft faraway voice murmured in my ear, “Just lie down and relax.”
My body collapsed onto the bed. Everything still sounded muffled and distorted, like I was trying to listen through cotton wool. Cracking my eyes open, I managed to make out Casper’s blurred visage.
“What did you do to yourself?” Casper’s voice mumbled roughly against my ear.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t know any more than he did. All I was able to do was turned my cheek against his palm and closed my eyes against the lights. I was sweating through my shirt and boxers. Either Casper or Camilla had stripped me whilst I was in my semi-conscious state before drawing the sheet over my legs. I just wanted to go home. My head was swimming with the blurred nonsense of what I could remember since fainting in the exam hall. I burrowed down deeper and tried not to let the tears burn my eyes.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright there’s no need to cry,” his voice murmured in my ear.
“Sorry …”
“There’s no need to be sorry,” Casper soothed, his hands gently stroking my fist.
“Stupid …”
“You are not stupid, Avery.”
“Sick …”
“Can you only say words starting with ‘S’?” he griped before softening his tone and squeezing my hand, “Avery, you had a panic attack and fainted. I’m not leaving you alone so just relax and concentrate on my voice okay?”
I hummed, “Soft …”
I was vaguely aware of Casper’s strong fingers combing through my hair. “Go on, go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up. Just go to sleep, darling. I’m not leaving you.”
When I woke up later I felt like I had a hangover. Camilla shuffled in and was instantly into her mothering mode; she dabbed my face with a damp cloth and popped two painkillers into my cotton-wool mouth before lifting a glass of water.
“Go on, put them in your mouth,” she urged.
I lifted my hand, despite how heavy my arms felt as I put the chalky tablets in my mouth and sipped the water Camilla held for me. It felt stiff and awkward as I forced them down and shifted upright on the pillows, my entire body aching as though I’d run a marathon.
Frowning I glanced around the room and when I saw that it was just us, I asked, “Where did Casper go?”
“He just went to finalize his exhibition for his art presentation tomorrow evening. He said he’d be back afterwards.”
“Oh right,” I murmured. I felt guilty at having forgotten about Casper’s art project. I wanted to see it, but twenty-four hours wasn’t that long a time after collapsing. I felt my headache trying to push through. “Do you think I’d be able to see it?” I asked, my heart sinking as she turned and frowned a little.
“I’m not entirely sure. You need to rest as much as possible. That exhibition will tire you out.”
“It’s not like I’d be talking to people,” I choked out, “I’d just be walking a little bit and looking at things.”
She took my hand and squeezed. “Look, just take it an hour at a time, alright? Casper will be back soon. Talk it through with him. He’d understand, he won’t be upset that you can’t make it.”
“But I want to be there, that’s the difference. I need to see his work!”
My chest was tight and airless. I drew in deep breaths and shuddered as goosepimples broke out over my naked arms. Camilla took my temperature. She didn’t tell me whether I’d improved or not and I didn’t ask. There wasn’t a need to know at this point. I just hoped I was well enough to see Casper’s work; he’d been so secretive about it all this time that I’d barely glimpsed any of it.
Letting out a soft mewl, I curled the up inside the blanket and peered across the room. There was nothing to see but I needed something to do, something to focus on. I must have been staring for a long time because all too soon the door opened and Casper’s heavy-soled boots walked in over the linoleum. Dumping his bag on the floor, he settled down next to me. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a tight green t-shirt stretched over his muscles. The top button was undone, letting me see the pale column of his throat and my stomach ached as I wriggled upright.
His fingers ran through my greasy hair and I winced. “How’re you feeling?” he asked, his thumb rubbing down along my jaw.
“A little groggy,” I mumbled as I drank in the kohl around his eyes, the feathery texture of his hair and the cool, softness of his skin. Leaning my cheek against his palm I immediately relaxed. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“I wasn’t gone that long,” he stated before running his finger down my nose. “You’re looking a lot better,” he folded his arms on the bed and laid his head down, facing me with a smile. “Did you sleep?”
I nodded before clenching my eyes shut, “A little –feels like I’ve got my head in a vice.”
“Where?” he asked as he ran his fingertips over my forehead. “There?” He pressed on where the pain was hurting. I whimpered. “Shh, shh, it’s alright,” he soothed as he started to gently massage my temples. The pressure immediately loosened in my head. “Feeling better?”
“You have magic fingers.”
Snorting he said, “Shh, none of that here! You could get us into trouble!”
Sniggering was exhausting but it felt good to feel something again. “Thanks for stopping by,” I mumbled.
“What, you’re throwing me out already?”
“No, I mean I’m glad you came to cheer me up. You always know what to say.”
“It’s my job to know,” he stated, his fingers continuing to stroke through my hair. I felt my body melt under his touch. “No one else has come in to see you have they?”
“Like who?”
“Like her royal highness?” The bitter tone in his voice should h
ave made me bristle but I was too weak to care. I didn’t want Isabel anywhere near me either.
“No, she hasn’t been here as far as I know.”
“Good,” he leaned down to rest our foreheads together, “I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.”
A lengthy silence passed between us where I focused on nothing but the sound of Casper’s breathing. Camilla was shuffling about with some paperwork in the next room. My head was feeling out-of-fit every few minutes but I tried to anchor myself to the weight of Casper’s hand. “Will you let me come to your show?” I asked softly.
“My show?”
“Your exhibit,” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, “Can I come to it tonight?”
He hummed softly before squeezing my hand, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You still can’t even sit up without feeling sick.”
“It’s not like I’d be running around,” I argued weakly, “I just really want to see your work.”
“Avery there are more important things than coming to see bits of paint splattered on a canvas.”
“Like what?” I grumbled.
“Like your health; I want you to be well again. We only have a couple of weeks left before we need to leave and you’ll probably need the rest of it to finish your dissertation and relax as much as possible.”
“A few hours looking at your work isn’t going to change that!”
Casper didn’t laugh or get angry like I’d expected him to. Instead, he eased me back down on the pillow and squeezing my shoulders. I caved as the motion cut through the fog in my head. “Look, it isn’t up to me. It’s up to Camilla. I’d love for you to see my work but I also know you’re exhausted just keeping your eyes open.” Damn he could read me like a book. “Have a nap now and see how you feel when you wake up, okay?”
I could only nod stiffly. Casper pressed a tender kiss to my mouth before giving my hand one final squeeze and crossing the room. At the door he turned back, the light from outside making him glow like an angel, before he gave a worried little smile and disappeared into the world, the door shutting firmly behind him.
*
My legs were unstable as I braced myself against the small sink in the bathroom. Camilla wasn’t happy when I all but demanded to go to my room. She was still convinced that I wasn’t well enough to move about but I knew I could do it. I just needed to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and not fall sideways. I shuddered as I washed my face and used three mints after brushing my teeth before tugging at the collar of my shirt. I felt shabby; I knew that a lot of people were going to dress up for this evening; however I was stuck in just jeans and a sweaty t-shirt from the day before. Would I have time to change?
Grimacing at my reflection I grimaced. Yeah, I definitely needed to grab a fresh shirt. After going through my wardrobe I finally found a plain blue and black pinstriped shirt. I blanched as the top button never used to fasten over at the base of my throat whereas now, it did. I’d lost far too much weight. How on earth did Casper still find me attractive when I probably looked like a skeleton?
I didn’t look too bad as I combed my fingers through my hair. The dark colours suited me. I flexed my aching shoulders and looked at the bottle on the sink. My throat ran dry. Camilla told me to take the pills whether I wanted to or not. Dropping my head, I rinsed my face and prayed that I wouldn’t start sweating and shaking during Casper’s exhibit. Patting my jeans to make sure I had my phone, key-card and wallet, I left the room with my heart pounding in my ears.
The way to the sports hall wasn’t as dark and deserted as it usually was. The lights were bright as they shone down from the high ceiling and the large crowd of people. I had to shuffle sideways to squeeze past a large group staring at a series of paintings by the main doors. MDF walls were propped up to create aisles throughout the hall, sculptures and canvases and other forms of media arranged near or on them.
There wasn’t a map or order so it was a while before I came across Casper’s exhibit, completely by surprise. I’d been drawn to it by the savage use of black and red on canvases however it was after a long time of staring at each piece that I realise there was a name propped up off to the side. A hand slipped around my elbow making me jump.
Casper smirked at me, “I knew you’d come.” His voice was amused and at the same time a little relieved. “So what do you think?”
Forcing my eyes back to the large canvases propped up against the walls I couldn’t deny that his works were that of a genius; they inspired so many emotions within me I couldn’t focus on just one. Each image depicted one of two people – an angel and a mortal –captured in various states of bonding. The one that my eyes kept trailing back to, though, was the largest of the pieces; thick, graphic lines depicted the mortal standing on tiptoes in the middle of a grassy knoll a heavy chain around his ankle anchoring him to the floor, all his muscles stretched taut as he tried to anchor the angel. It was strange in the way it was painted; it almost looked as though the angel’s wings had a mind of their own and were forcing him back to Heaven, when all he wanted to do was hang onto the mortal man he loved. It was truly beautiful. The angel had dark red hair and I felt my stomach squirm when I recognised the profile as my own. The weight of his fingers left my arm.
“You truly are gifted,” I murmured in awe. He snorted but I saw the blush on his cheeks. He was flattered. “Seriously,” I said, “I wish I could have that on my wall.”
“You’re my boyfriend; you’re supposed to say that.”
The other canvases were smaller but still depicted hands holding tightly to one another, feet anchored down and a close-up of the men hugging tightly. They were all so beautiful and personal and I was suddenly overwhelmed with how ‘right’ it had been for me to come here tonight.
“You look good in that shirt,” Casper murmured against my ear as he leaned against me.
“So you’re saying I look like shit the rest of the time?”
“Of course,” he stated before smirking, “But I do love the bedhead look.” He reached up and ruffled my hair. I closed my eyes at his touch; it felt nice to have the warm weight keeping me stable. “So now that you’ve seen my doodles, what do you plan on doing with yourself?”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I shrugged my shoulders before my gaze was drawn back to the paintings, “You shouldn’t demean yourself like that.”
“Like what?”
“Undermining your work,” I dropped my gaze just in time to see him pull at his collar, “They’re beautiful, Casper. Seriously, you should be proud.”
He cast a brief glance over his shoulder; his eyes were intense and forced my breath to catch. “I am proud.” I pressed a kiss to his head and he batted me away, his cheeks flushing. “So, what do you plan on doing with the rest of the evening?”
I cocked my head hummed. “I’m not sure. I guess I could read or play in the auditorium for a little while.”
He rolled his eyes, “Well if you go in the auditorium I can come and find you after.”
“Like the library would have stopped you from doing that,” I deadpanned earning a small chuckle from him.
“Go on,” he nudged my arm, “Go and play that abused little piano and when I get there, I’ll see if I can make you smile.” He grinned wickedly at me, my stomach flipping as he pressed a kiss to my mouth.
“You always make me smile!” I called out as I walked backwards, keeping eye contact, my mouth twisting into a bright smile. His cheeks were bright pink as I turned away and continued on out of the hall and down the corridor towards the main building.
It was so surreal playing the short piece I had memorised months ago. The beautiful notes flowed freely through my fingertips. I play it fast and then again at a much slower pace, and then I had a go at playing it backwards which came out extremely clunky but it made me smile. I tried not to check the screen on my phone too often. Casper knew where to find me; he didn’t need to text me to let me know he was on his way. I needed to get lost in the m
usic –his music –I needed to feel it consume me.
Could I play it with my eyes closed?
There was only one way to find out. Keeping my eyes closed I cracked my knuckles. As soon as I pressed down on the first note, my heart soared. I played over and over, my fingers never stalling as I let my mind travel to a far-off land, one Casper had painted on his canvases, and immersed myself in the trees around me, the shield of the black sky dotted with twinkling little stars. I imagined I could feel a breeze brushing over my skin and ruffling through my hair. I was almost sure I could smell the fresh scent of grass. The notes were burning through the darkness in my mind, smoking softly as they drifted up and down; I focused on them and continued to play, my fingers feeling slow as though I was playing in a vat of treacle. Drawing in a deep breath, I played a little faster and let my mind wonder even further …
I could see myself being happy in the future. The feeling was so alien to me; happiness? I’d been without the genuine emotion for so long I wasn’t sure how to react to it. Within my grasp was the potential for a proper life; I could move in with my uncle and Casper, visiting his parents every weekend or so, have proper meals and laugh and look forward to waking up every day. To wake up with Casper in my arms would be sheer bliss. As for the days when I thought I was getting bad again? Uncle Brian was there to help me through it. He’d do his best to help me, I knew that.
The prospect of travelling was a little daunting but I couldn’t let my illness define who I was and how I lived. The world was on my doorstep all I needed to do was to take a step and go outside. I couldn’t let myself be afraid; I’d been too afraid to even consider the idea of a relationship after Kris and now all of a sudden Casper was in my life, loving me and making my warped mind, calm. Every time I thought about him my heart would skip a beat. I loved that man and he gave me the courage and the determination to get out of bed every day, even when the lull of darkness dug its claws in and tried to drag me back down. He was my beacon through the heavy fog, the angelic guide through the Hell in my head. The weight of his voice in my ears alone kept me sane and I honestly didn’t think I’d feel that way again, not after what happened at Christmas.
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