“We have to monitor everything we say. How we act, or react,” Robert continued. “It is not like we can make a reference to anything we know of history or rather history as we know it here. It can get quite complicated sometimes.”
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“It is not like you can make references to upcoming presidents or elections. The World Wars have not occurred yet. Science, technological advances, let alone Korea or Vietnam, the invention of the automobile…all of it. The vast majority of your world here does not exist in your other life,” Robert explained, gesturing with his hands for emphasis.
I began to understand how tricky this was going to be. “So I have to act naïve in regards to everything?” I shrugged with a smile. “I suppose it’s a good thing that history is my worst subject.”
That statement at least broke the serious tone and got a laugh from all.
“It is allowing the courses of action to unfold as they may. Even though we know of the horrible events that are yet to come. Tragedies, such as Hitler, Pearl Harbor, and the Holocaust or the sinking of the Titanic and thousands of other things. We must never utter a word around anyone under no uncertain terms.” Emily emphasized.
“We are not trying to scare you, Jocelyn. I am sure that it will still be some time before the barrier is completely disintegrated. At least a few weeks or so. Perhaps even longer. But these are things that you must know and follow by the letter.” Robert’s voice mimicked Emily’s.
I suddenly got very uneasy. Jackson reached across the table and placed his hand over mine with a loving expression. “I know this is a lot to comprehend. But you need to know that we will all be here for you, to help you get through it.”
All I could do was nod stupidly back. I stared at the three faces looking at me and felt like I was drowning in something that I couldn’t find my way out of. I placed my napkin down on the table. “I’m sorry. I am not feeling very well. Thank you so much for dinner, but I believe that I need to head home.”
Jackson rose from the table while Robert and Emily exchanged puzzled looks.
“I will walk you.” He placed his napkin on the table and started to push his chair under the table, but I interrupted.
“No…thank you. I will be fine. I just want to go home.”
His face looked hurt, but I couldn’t help it. I had to get out of there as quickly as possible.
“Please call me before you go to bed.”
Jackson walked me to the front door. He reached out to hug me, but I quickly backed away from him and left before his hurt look could imprint fully in my consciousness.
I ran across the yard, feeling like screaming. I threw open the front door and ran straight to the bathroom and got sick. I was so mentally exhausted. I hadn’t even noticed the hysterical sobs escaping from my chest.
I climbed into my old flannel pajama bottoms and a long-sleeved thermal shirt. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I wrapped my arms around my extra pillow. I was terrified to fall asleep, but my head was throbbing so badly that despite my fears, I relaxed and let sleep overcome me.
CHAPTER 2
Wednesday, November 06, 1878
THE WEEK PASSED EVER SO SLOWLY. Each night before I drifted away, I would hold onto Jackson’s birthday gift, the elegant pocket watch, anxiously awaiting a world that was so incredibly foreign to anything I had ever experienced before. I longed to be the woman I was in that place. Her independence, her strength, the opportunities that lay before her were everything I had ever dreamed of. I saw glimpses of her life and the jealousy I felt towards her was unbearable. She lived in a world where she could express herself freely, receive the education she desired and had the choice to choose who she wanted to become. Nowhere in anything I had thus far witnessed did marriage or children factor into her decision-making. I envied her to the extent that I almost hated her.
I still wasn’t sleeping well. I tossed and turned each night and woke every morning feeling as if sleep had never found me. Our housekeeper, Mimi, had taken to staying close by my room each night after I retired since apparently I was now transitioning back from my imaginary world into mine with screaming hysterics. She would then rush to my bedside and hold me until the sobbing subsided and I exhausted myself out. I loved her for doing so, but also felt incredibly guilty since I knew she was already worn out by the end of the day and my antics were only making her life more difficult. However, the passion I felt for this imaginary world compelled me to continue pushing forward each night to see what else it had to show me.
I walked home from school with Elizabeth, one of my dearest friends. It was shortly after three and the sun was already falling from the sky. By five o’clock it would be dark. The days were getting increasingly shorter as winter crept up on our doorstep. The air was cold and crisp, full of moisture. The autumn smells had all disappeared with the festival. Now, moist smog filled with musk consumed the air. The transition period between Halloween and Christmas was always filled with rain and darkness, a lonely state of being when nature hibernated before the full grasp of the upcoming winter took its hold upon us.
We pulled our caplets tighter around us as the bitter wind whipped around our bodies. I suddenly regretted telling our houseman, Eddie, this morning that I would rather walk than have him pick me up.
“How is your beau doing?” I inquired, trying to take my mind off the cold.
“Mr. Lee is well. His career is really taking off, so he is busy until late in the evenings, but he comes by every night after dinner to spend some time with me.”
“He seems like a wonderful man. I am truly happy for you.”
“Are you all right?” She glanced over at me with her eyebrows wrinkled towards the center of her brow.
“Yes, of course. Why?” I was curious as to why she would ask such a question.
“You seem tired.”
“Not really.”
“Wedding jitters?” She gave me a coy smile and relief flooded through me.
“Yes. Most likely.”
“I thought all the plans had been taken care of. What are you concerned about?”
“I let Miss Olivia wear my wedding gown when she married my brother, William.”
I glanced over at her face. I could see she was truly shocked by my gesture.
“That was very thoughtful of you, but why? With your wedding so close, you will never have enough time to have another gown made.”
“She needed the gown more than I. She was having such a difficult time. I knew that her wearing my gown would mean a great deal to her. She needed to feel that we were all behind her no matter what,” I explained as best I could.
“You love that dress.” Elizabeth commented more to herself then to me.
“True. But I love her more,” I shrugged.
“What are you going to do now?”
“Can you keep a secret?”
Elizabeth nodded.
“After their wedding, Mrs. Chandler took me aside and invited me over to her house for a surprise. The next day she showed me the gown that she married Mr. Chandler in.” I couldn’t contain my excitement just recalling the magnificent wedding gown. “I have to tell you, it is the most amazing gown I have ever seen in my life.”
“That was a very kind gesture. Is your mother all right with it?”
“I have not told her yet. We are keeping it quiet. Besides, there is no way possible that I could wear my mother’s gown. She is taller and more petite than I. Plus, as close as she and Mrs. Chandler are I am sure she will be as thrilled as I am.”
“What about Mr. Jackson?”
“He has no idea either. His mother wants to surprise him.”
I was practically bouncing with excitement despite the fact that I was chilled to the bone.
“You are truly lucky to be getting such an incredible mother-in-law. I am so worried about meeting Mr. Lee’s family at Thanksgiving, especially his mother.”
“I am sure his family is going to love you. I
t would be impossible for them not to.” I grinned, trying to reassure her. “Also, we need to get together soon to figure out your dress for my wedding.” I wanted to brighten her mood. “How about Saturday afternoon?”
“Saturday afternoon would be wonderful.”
We stopped in front of my house. I opened the front gate and saw that the front door was open slightly and Jackson was waiting to welcome me home. Elizabeth hugged me briefly before departing for home herself. I rushed up the walkway and into the arms of my soon, but not soon enough, to be husband.
The intoxicating aroma of his skin flowed through me as I wrapped my arms around him. For the first time in days I felt safe and no longer cared about the other world consuming every thought that passed through me. That other woman in my visions may have everything else in this world, but she lacked the single most important thing that I wouldn’t trade for every opportunity that she had: my Jackson.
“Hello, darling. How was your day?” Jackson leaned down holding me tightly in his arms and gently kissed the top of my head.
“Better now that you are home. I have missed you so much.” I rested my head against his chest and listened carefully to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. The sound filled me instantly with comfort and security.
I took off my caplet and scarf and handed them both to Eddie. We retreated to the parlor to warm me by the hearth while our housekeeper Missy brought in some hot tea. We sat down on the lounge and I snuggled back into Jackson’s arms, letting the heat from the fire flow over me.
“So, tell me. How are you really feeling?” He gave me an odd look that told me William had informed him about what happened last Sunday evening.
“My brother has a big mouth.”
“He is concerned about you, as is Mimi,” Jackson added, turning my face upward with his hand so I had to look him in the eye. “Be honest. What is going on that has you waking up screaming?”
“Really, it is nothing. Simply wedding jitters.” I clung to the excuse that Elizabeth had come up with.
Jackson narrowed his eyes as he stared at my face for a few moments. “No. I do not believe that. There is something else bothering you. It has been for a while, and apparently, it is getting more discerning if it is now waking you up screaming in the middle of the night. Why will you not tell me what it is?”
“It is nothing. I have an overactive imagination.”
“Explain please.”
“I honestly do not know how.”
It was impossible to explain what his birthday gift was doing to me. How can I possibly tell him that this ordinary trinket is causing me to have visions of a world I so desperately want to be a part of? How can I tell him that I am not waking in horror of what I am witnessing, I am screaming in horror of the fact that I am returning to this world where I feel trapped by societal rules of who I have to be?
I gently pulled away from him and stood up, walking over to the fire. I stared down at the flames and wondered how I could possibly feel so torn between the two worlds. Especially when one, I knew, was only a figment of my overactive imagination, and the other was real.
Jackson came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and rested his head down upon mine.
“You know there is nothing you cannot share with me. No matter how silly it may seem. It worries me when something is troubling you so.” The sincerity of his words touched my heart, but I knew this was something I had to keep to myself.
“I know, my love.” I turned to face him. His bright green eyes looked so sad and I hated that I was the one who put that sadness there. “I promise. It is nothing for you to concern yourself with.”
“Jocelyn, you can be so difficult sometimes.”
He took a deep breath and let me go. He paced around the room for several paces before he stopped and confronted me again.
“You truly aggravate me when you get like this. How can I ease your pain if you refuse to be honest about what is troubling your mind?”
The harshness of his tone annoyed me. I couldn’t understand why this was bothering him so much. “Jackson, if I believed this was something you could help me with then yes, I would share it with you. But this is something that I need to work through on my own. Please try and understand that.” I could not think of a better way to explain it to him or ease his conscious.
“How do you know that I cannot help you unless you let me try?”
“I just do. You have to trust me. A few nightmares are nothing you need to concern yourself with,” I tried to reassure him, but the look on his face told me that nothing I could say short of the entire truth was going to ease his concern.
Missy came in and announced that dinner was ready just in time to save me before the conversation became even more intense. We retreated to the dining room and joined our families around the large table. Although everyone obviously knew about my nightmares, no one mentioned the subject outright. However, their constant odd glances in my direction throughout the meal were quite unsettling.
I did my best to ignore the looks and concentrate on the conversations instead. William was discussing his classes with Jackson and Robert. He seemed excited about the upcoming break that Thanksgiving was going to give him and commented on how it was becoming increasingly difficult to spend so much time away from his new wife.
The ladies listened almost silently as the men shifted the subject to politics. My mind drifted back to the visions I had witnessed recently. I stared off into the distance, barely touching my food, thinking about walking down the crowded strange hallway of what appeared to be the school I was attending. The other students were all dressed in a bizarre array of fashions with strange looking accessories. The metal boxes slammed open and shut, people shouted greetings to other peers. Many talked into, or were pushing buttons on, funny looking hand-held devices. Others remained silent with weird wires from their ears that led into a pocket on their person while nodding their heads aimlessly. It was an incredible sight to behold.
The three girls I had seen previously in the musty room with the iron cages came bouncing up to me as I stood beside a tall metal box that I mindlessly turned the combination on and opened. Without thought, I exchanged several books and listened intently as the tall blond rattled on about something. I got the distinct feeling she really angry about something, but I had no idea as to why.
“Jocelyn?” I vaguely heard someone call my name. “Jocelyn!” I blinked and refocused my attention back to the boring reality of the table at which I was seated.
“Jocelyn? Are you feeling all right this evening?” My father’s voice rang in my ears causing me to look over in his direction.
“Excuse me. I am sorry. I guess my mind was elsewhere.” I could feel the blood rushing to my face.
“What was distracting you so much?” My mother inquired.
“I was recalling the lecture from Mr. Grahame’s history class today. I was thinking about the essay I need to write this evening.”
“Oh. That is nice dear.” She stated brightly.
“We have been concerned about you lately with the reoccurring nightmares and the screaming.” My father continued eyeing me.
“There is nothing to worry about. I‘ve had a lot on my mind lately.”
“Understandable. However, when it causes me to bolt upright in my bed in the middle of the night, then I believe I have a right to inquire about the problem.” His tone joined his look.
“Honestly, it’s nothing. I am sorry that I awakened you,” I apologized.
“I am more concerned with you than my sleep, sweetheart.” My father’s face softened.
“Everything will be fine. I am working through some things and they are starting to work themselves out.”
***
After Missy brought in the tray of saucers and coffee to the front room, I excused myself from the group claiming that I still needed to work on my history essay. I was secretly grateful that Olivia was no longer attending classes and wouldn’t know I was bluffing a
bout the assignment.
Jackson followed me over to the staircase and took a seat on the second step. I stood in front of him holding his hands in mine.
“I will be so happy when this semester is finally over,” I pouted.
“You only have a couple weeks more. I will be done before Thanksgiving break. Unfortunately, even though I will be home, I will be consumed with studying for the bar. I have to take and pass it before Christmas and our wedding. But I do promise you, after that, I am all yours.”
“I know. But it is going to be difficult having you so close and not getting to spend any time with you.” I continued my playful childish pouting with a sly grin.
“You will be so occupied with the final details for the wedding with our mothers that you will not even want me around to be in your way,” he laughed and pulled me down beside him.
“Probably because you will drive me insane with your comments on how things should be done.” I rolled my eyes with a smirk that only made him laugh harder.
Then his expression got serious. “Are you sure everything is all right?”
“For the millionth time, yes! Everything is fine. Will you please let it go?” I shook my head in frustration. I was so sick of having to constantly reassure everyone.
“It really scared me when William told me what happened on Sunday night. I believe you gave him a good scare also. And when I got here today, Mimi told me that you had repeated episodes the last two nights as well.” Jackson shifted sideways to face me. “I am very worried about you, Jocelyn. You have been acting so differently lately and are being very elusive.”
“Don’t be silly. Nothing has changed, including me.”
“I am being serious.” Jackson’s tone shifted just enough to make me look back up into his eyes.
“You need to worry about finishing your classes and passing the bar. These trivial little nightmares are nothing for you to concern yourself with. I promise.” I quickly leaned over and kissed him passionately before he had the opportunity to retort.
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