I’ve never needed anyone to believe anything more in my entire life. I need her to believe me. When she starts to resist and push against me, I slip my arm underneath her neck and pull her closer. “Lake, stop this. Please don’t go,” I beg. I realize as I’m speaking that my voice is shaking. I’ve never been so scared I was about to lose something in my entire life, that I completely lose control. I start to cry.
“Will, don’t you see it?” she says. “How do you know? How do you really know? You couldn’t leave me now if you wanted to. Your heart is too good for that, you would never do that to me. So how do I know if you would really be here if our circumstances were different? If our parents were alive and we didn’t have Kel and Caulder, how do you know you would even love me?”
I clasp my hand over her mouth. “No! Stop saying that, Lake. Please.” She closes her eyes and her tears start flowing even faster. I kiss them again. I kiss her cheek and I kiss her forehead and I kiss her lips. I grasp the back of her head and I kiss her with more desperation than I’ve ever kissed her before. She puts her hands on my neck and kisses me back.
She’s kissing me back.
We’re both still crying, frantically trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity between us. She pushes against me. She’s still kissing me, but she wants me to sit up, so I do. I lean back into the couch and she slides onto my lap and strokes my face with her hands. We stop kissing for a brief moment and look at each other. I wipe tears away from her face and she does the same for me. I can still see the heartache in her eyes but she squeezes them shut and brings her lips back to mine. I pull her into me so close that it makes it hard to breathe. We’re both gasping for air as we try to find a constant rhythm amidst our frantic struggle. I have never needed her with more intensity than I need her right now. She pulls at my shirt so I lean forward, allowing her to slip it off over my head. When her lips separate from mine, she crosses her arms and grasps the hem of her shirt and pulls it over her head. I help her. When her shirt is on top of mine in the floor, I wrap my arms around her, placing my hands on the bare skin of her back, and I pull her into me.
“I love you, Lake. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I love you so much.”
She pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “I want you to make love to me, Will.”
I wrap my arms tightly around her back and stand up as she clings to my neck. She wraps her legs around my waist and I carry her to my bedroom and we collapse onto the bed. Her hands find the button of my jeans and she unbuttons them as my mouth slowly moves from her lips to her chin and down her neck. I can't believe this is actually happening. I don't allow myself time to second guess my own actions. I slide my fingers under the straps of her bra and pull them down off of her shoulders. She slides her arms out of the straps and I move my lips along the edge of her bra when she begins to struggle with the button on her own jeans. I lift up to assist her, then I guide her hands as we slide them off and toss them behind me onto the floor. She scoots further up onto the bed until her head meets the pillows. I pull the covers out from beneath her and slide on top of her, then pull the covers back on top of us. When our eyes meet, I see the heartache behind her expression and the tears still streaming down her face. She grasps at the waist of my jeans and begins to slide them down when I pull her hands away. She’s hurting so much. I can't let her do this. She still doesn't trust me.
“Lake, I can’t.” I roll off of her and try to catch my breath. “Not like this. You’re upset. It shouldn’t be like this.”
She doesn’t say anything…she just continues to cry. We both lie next to one another for several minutes without saying a single word. I reach over to put my hand on top of hers but she pulls it away and slides off the bed. She picks her jeans up off the floor and walks back into the living room. I follow her and watch while she puts her shirt and pants back on. She sucks in a couple of breaths in an attempt to hold back her tears.
“Are you leaving?” I ask hesitantly. “I don’t want you to go. Stay with me.”
She doesn’t respond. She goes to the door and slips her shoes on, then her jacket. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her. “You can’t be mad at me for this. You aren’t thinking clearly, Lake. If we do this while you're angry, you’ll regret it tomorrow. Then you’ll be mad at yourself, too. You understand that, don’t you?”
She wipes tears from her eyes and steps away from me. “You’ve had sex with her, Will. How do I get past that? How do I get past the fact that you’ve made love to Vaughn, but you won’t make love to me? You don’t know how it feels to be rejected. It feels like shit. You just made me feel like shit.”
“Lake, that’s absurd! I’m not about to have sex with you for the first time while you’re crying. If we do this now, we’ll both feel like shit.”
She rubs her hands across her eyes again and looks down at the floor, attempting not to cry. We stand quietly in the living room, neither of us sure what happens next. I’ve said all I can say. I just need her to believe me, so I give her time to think.
“Will?” She slowly brings her eyes back up to meet mine. It looks almost like it hurts her to even look at me. “I’m not sure I can do this,” she says.
The look in her eyes makes my heart feel like it's come to a literal stop. I've seen this look in a girl before. She's about to break up with me.
“I mean…I’m not sure I can do us,” she says. “I’m trying so hard, but I don’t know how to get past this. How do I know this life is what you want? How do you know this is what you want? You need time, Will. We need time to think about it. We have to question everything.”
I don’t respond. I can’t. Everything I say comes out wrong.
She’s not crying anymore. “I’m going home now. I need you to let me go. Just let me go, okay?”
It’s the clear headedness behind her voice and the calm, reasonable expression in her eyes that rips the heart right out of my chest. She turns to leave, and all I can do is let her go. I just let her go.
***
After an hour of punching everything I can find to punch, cleaning everything I can find to clean and screaming every cussword I can think to scream, I knock on Sherry’s door. When she opens it, she looks at me and doesn’t say a word. She turns back inside and comes back a moment later and holds out her fist. I open my palm and she drops the pills in my hand and looks at me with pity. I hate pity.
When I’m back inside my house, I swallow the pills and lay on the couch, wishing it all away.
***
“Will.”
I try to open my eyes, to make sense of the voice I’m hearing. I try to move, but my entire body feels like concrete.
“Dude, wake up.”
I'm discombobulated. I sit up on the couch and rub my eyes, attempting to open them…scared of the sunlight. When I finally do open them, it’s not bright at all, it’s still dark. I look around the room and see Gavin sitting on the couch across from me.
“What time is it? What day is it?” I ask him.
“It’s still today. Saturday. It’s after ten I think. How long have you been out?”
I think about that question. It was after seven when Lake and I had basagna. After eight when I let her go. When I just let her go. I lie back on the couch and don’t answer Gavin as the scene from just two hours ago replays in my head.
“You want to talk about it?” Gavin asks.
I shake my head again. I really don’t want to talk about it.
“Eddie’s over at Layken’s house. She seemed pretty upset. It was a little awkward so I thought I’d come hide out here. You want me to leave?”
I shake my head again. “There’s basagna in the fridge if you’re hungry.”
“I am, actually,” he says. He stands up and walks to the kitchen. “You need something to drink?”
I do. I do need a drink. I walk to the kitchen and press my hand against m
y forehead. My head is pounding. I reach above the refrigerator and move the boxes of cereal out of the way to get to the cabinet behind it. I pull out the bottle of tequila and grab a shot glass and pour myself a drink.
“I was thinking more along the lines of a soda,” Gavin says as he sits down at the bar and watches me down a shot.
“Good idea.” I open the refrigerator and pull out a soda. I grab an even bigger glass and mix the soda with the tequila. Not the best mix, but it helps it go down smoother.
“Will? I’ve never seen you like this. You sure you’re okay?”
I tilt my head back and finish the entire drink, then put the glass in the sink. I choose not to answer him. If I say yes, he’ll know I’m lying. If I say no, he’ll ask me why. So I just sit down next to him while he eats, and I don’t say a thing.
“Eddie and I wanted to talk to you and Layken together. I guess right now that’s not going to happen, so…” Gavin’s voice trails off and he takes another bite of basagna.
“Talk to us about what?”
He wipes his mouth with a napkin and sighs. He brings his right arm down to the table, gripping his fork with his hand so tight that his knuckles turn white. “Eddie’s pregnant.”
I don’t trust my own ears at this point. My head is still pounding and the alcohol mixed with the homemade concoction Sherry gave me is causing me to see two of Gavin.
“Pregnant? How pregnant?” I ask.
“Pretty damn pregnant,” he says.
“Shit.” I stand up and grab the tequila off the counter and re-fill the shot glass. I normally don’t promote underage drinking, but there are occasionally times when even I push my boundaries. I place the shot in front of him and he downs it.
“What’s the plan?” I ask.
He walks to the living room and sits back down on the third couch. When did I get a third couch? I swipe the bottle of tequila off the counter and rub my eyes as I make my way into the living room. When I open them, there are only two couches again. I hurry up and sit down before I fall.
“We don’t have a plan. The same plan, anyway. Eddie wants to keep it. It scares the shit out of me, Will. We're only nineteen. We’re not prepared for this at all. “
Unfortunately, I know exactly how it feels to unexpectedly become a parent at nineteen.
“Do you want to keep it?” I ask.
Sunday, January 21st…I think. It might still be Saturday night. Whatever. WTF ever.
Lake...Lake, Lake, Lake, Lake. I’d take a mountain and then I need another drink. But I love you so much. Yeah I think I need more tequila…and more cowbell. I love you I’m so sorry. I’m not thirsty. But I’m not hungry, just thirsty. But I’m never drinking another cheeseburger again I love you so much.
Chapter Eight
Eddie’s pregnant. Gavin’s scared. I let Lake go. That’s all I remember about last night.
The sun is brighter than it’s ever been. I throw the covers off and head to the bathroom. When I make it across the hall, I try to open the door but it’s locked. Why the hell is my bathroom door locked? I knock, which feels extremely odd-knocking on my own bathroom door when I should be the only person in my house.
“Just a sec!” I hear someone yell. It’s a guy. It’s not Gavin. What the hell is going on? I walk to the living room and see a blanket and pillow on the couch. There are shoes by the front door, next to a suitcase. I’m scratching my head when the bathroom door opens, so I turn around.
“Reece?”
“Mornin',” he says.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him.
He shoots me a confused look as he walks to the couch and sits down. “Are you kidding?” he asks.
Why would I be kidding? What would I be kidding about? I haven’t seen him in over a year.
“No. What are you doing here? When did you get here?”
He shakes his head with the same bewildered expression across his face. “Will, do you not remember anything from last night?”
I sit down and try to remember. Eddie’s pregnant. Gavin’s scared. I let Lake go. That’s all I remember. He can see from the struggle in my expression that I need a refresher.
“I got back last Friday. My mom kicked me out? I needed a place to stay last night and you told me I could stay here. You really don’t remember?”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Reece. I don’t.”
He laughs. “Dude, how much did you have to drink last night?”
I think back on the tequila, then remember the medicine Sherry gave me. “I don’t think it was just the alcohol.”
He stands up and looks awkwardly around the room. “Well, if you want me to leave…”
“No. No, I don’t mind you staying here, you know that. I just don’t remember. I’ve never blacked out before.”
“You weren’t making much sense when I got here, that’s for sure. You kept saying something about a star…and a lake. I thought you were cracked out. You’re not cracked out…are you?”
I laugh. “No, I’m not cracked out. I’m just having a really shitty weekend. The worst. And no, I don’t feel like talking about it.”
“Well, since you don’t remember anything about last night…you kind of told me I could live here? For a month or two? Does that ring a bell?” Reece raises his eyebrows and waits for my reaction.
Now I know why I never drink. I always end up agreeing to things that I normally wouldn’t agree to when I’m sober. I can’t really think of a reason not to let him stay here. We do have an extra bedroom. He practically lived here when we were growing up. Although I haven’t seen him since his last break from deployment, I still consider him my best friend.
“Stay as long as you need to,” I say. “Just don't expect me to be much fun. I'm not having a very good week.”
“Obviously.” He grabs his bags and shoes and takes them down the hallway to the spare bedroom. I walk to the window and look across the street at Lake’s house. Her car is gone. Where would she be? She doesn’t really go anywhere on Sunday’s. They’re her movies and junk food days. I’m still watching out the window when Reece walks back into the living room.
“You don’t have shit to eat,” he says. “I’m hungry. You want me to grab you anything at the store?”
I shake my head. “I don’t feel like eating,” I say. “Just get whatever. I’ll probably go later this afternoon, anyway. I need a few things before Caulder gets back tomorrow.”
“Oh yeah, where is that little twerp?”
“Detroit.”
Reece slides his shoes and his jacket on and slips out the front door. I walk to the kitchen to make coffee, but there’s already a full pot. Nice.
***
As soon as I step out of the shower, I hear the front door open. I don’t know if it’s Reece or Lake, so I rush to pull my pants on to see if it’s Lake. When I emerge from the hallway, she’s holding the vase in her hands, making her way to the front door. When she sees me, she speeds up.
“Dammit, Lake!” I cut her off in the living room and don’t let her by. “You aren’t taking it. Don’t make me hide it from you.”
She tries to shove her way past me but I block her again. “You have no right to keep them at your house, Will! It’s just your excuse to make me keep coming over here!”
She’s right. She’s absolutely right…but I don’t care. “No, I want them over here because I don’t trust that you won’t open them all.”
She shoots me a dirty look. “While we’re on the subject of trust, are you sabotaging these? Are you putting fake ones in here, trying to get me to forgive you?”
I laugh. She must be getting some great advice from her mom if she thinks I’m sabotaging the stars. “Maybe you should listen to your mother’s advice, Lake.”
She tries to brush past me again so I grab the vase from her hands. She jerks it aw
ay harder than I expect and the vase slips and lands on the floor, spilling out dozens of tiny stars onto the carpet. She bends down and starts scooping them up. Her hands are full and I can see on her face that she doesn’t know where to put them since her pants don’t have pockets. She pulls the collar of her shirt out and starts shoving them inside by the handful. She’s determined.
I grab her hands and pull them away from her shirt. “Lake, stop it! You’re acting like a ten year old!” I set the vase upright and start throwing the rest of them inside as fast as she’s grabbing them, stuffing them inside her shirt. I do the only thing I can…I reach my hand down her shirt and start grabbing them back. She slaps at my hands and tries to crawl backwards, but I grab the back of her shirt to stop her. She continues to back away as I continue holding onto her shirt until it slips over her head and is resting in my hands. She gathers more stars and stands and heads toward the front door with her hands clasped to her bra, still trying to hold on to them.
“Lake, you aren’t going outside without a shirt on,” I say. She’s relentless.
“Watch me!” she says. I jump up and wrap my arms around her waist and pick her up. Just as I’m about to release her onto the couch, the front door swings open. I look over my shoulder and Reece walks in with a handful of groceries. He pauses and stares at us wide-eyed.
Lake is still trying to struggle to free herself from my grasp, ignoring the fact that someone she doesn't even know has a front row seat to her tantrum. The only thing I can think of is the fact that she’s in her bra in front of another guy. I pick her up higher and toss her over the back of the couch. Just as fast as she’s on the couch, she’s back up again, trying to make her way past me. She finally notices Reece standing in the doorway.
“Who the hell are you?” she yells as she slaps at my arm that’s holding her back.
He responds cautiously. “Reece? I live here?”
Lake stops struggling and folds her arms across her chest with an embarrassed look on her face. I take the opportunity to grab most of the stars out of her hands and toss them back toward the vase. I reach down and pick her shirt up and shove it into her chest. “Put your shirt on!”
Point of Retreat (Slammed Series) Page 10