by Sam Taylor
I side to go an ask Will to put the rabbit out its misry so I tell it ahm sorry an run thru the grass. Its hot in the sun an swets poring out my skin wen I rive at the rocks. I scramble cross em an run into the spinny calling His name. His head comes out the door of the shelter an He blinks at me smiling.
Hey Finn your erly. Wats up.
I splain bout the rabbit wile He crawls out the shelter an rubs his eyes in the sun light.
Will you come I ask. Will you put it out its misry.
Sure Finn he calms.
We run side by side our long shadows spearing into the shade of the Afterwoods. I stop wen we get to the trap with the flattend grass an Will stands beside me looking down at the rabbit but its eyes gon dull. I stare breth held an wait for it to thrash an squeal a gen but its.
Finn He gentles. I think.
I no I say. Weare too late.
He reaches a hand down an touches the rabbits throat.
Yeh ahm fraid so. It musta died wile you wer a way.
I swallow. Ahm so sorry lil rabbit.
Ahm shure it dint suffer long Finn. You ran fast as you cud.
I shudve kild it wen it askt me. I shudve put it out its misry. But I was too weak too.
Will puts a hand on my shoulder an says Dont be so hard on yer self Finn Ikerd never have don that wen I wer yer age.
Truely I ask. I look in His eyes. He dont look a way like Pa some times does.
Truely He plies. Your way stronger an more mature than I wer. Youll be a fine man one day.
The berflys normous inside me.
He bends down an leases the mouth of the trap. Then He lifts the rabbits body up by its ears. Its jus dead now. Its jus a dead rabbit.
An at least weve got our meat for the day He says. We wont need to go out hunting this after noon.
Whatll we do then I ask an straighter way start magining new splorations of the I-land showing Will all the secret places I no. Or maybe we cud go to the lake an He cud teach me how to swim.
Finn listen. His voices strange.
Wat.
Ahm not coming with you this after noon.
Wy.
Cus I told Alice ahd spend some time with her.
Alice. A gen.
Wy I peat.
Cus I promist.
I shrug Okay an He puts an arm round my neck. Your not mad with me he asks.
Course not I say but my voices cold an emty. I dont mean to hurt Him but I cant help it ahm so spointed. Hes been with Alice half our after noons lately.
*
Pa cuts the rabbit up an lets it stew on the range wile we dig a new field. We wash in the lake an eat the stew an then go to our beds. Wen the suns over head its too hot to do any thing but sleep. Lying in the warm thick dim ness of our room I ask Alice wy she keeps taking Will a way from me. She dint even like Him befor.
Weare going for a walk thats all she plies in a bord sleepy voice.
Can I come.
No.
Wy cant I.
Cus we want to spend some time to gether. A lone to gether.
You do you mean.
We both do.
I dont be leave you I hiss. Hed rather splore the I-land with me Hes jus be-ing kind to you.
She laffs quitely in her throat an sighs Oh Finn.
Wats that sposed to mean.
Such innocents. You have no I-dear.
I dont be leave you I mutter into the pillow. An lie there breathing the bluegrey air till I fall a sleep.
I wake up befor her an drink some water in the kitchen then I go outside. The heats like a wall. Sluggish an weary I go to the river an fill the emty boll. Then I carry it back to the ark. On my way back I see Alice go-ing the other way. Her hair looks difrant an shes wearing a clean wite dress. Theres like red paint or blood on her lips. She looks nice.
I keep on walking to the ark but wen I get there I dont go inside. I stay hidden behind the corner an watch her grow smaller thru the gardens an venturely spear into the corn. I take a mouth full from the boll and follow her.
Inside the corn its dark an the grounds pitted where the plows been. I keep tripping up an the corn leaves scratch my face. Wen I come out I blink in the dazzle then I see her up a head go-ing round the lake. I guess she must be walking to Wills shelter so I side to take the short cut an beat her there.
A long the river bank I run. Past the wood pile an on till I reach the rocks. Wen I get level with the long grass near the Afterwoods I look to see if shes there but the views emty. On I go till I reach the spinny an then silently slide in tween the trees. Waiting. Watching. After a wile I hold my breth an creep tords Wills shelter. Lissning.
Duum duum. Birdsong. Cadanoise.
I open the door of the shelter an look inside. Dark emty ness. I make a V with my brow. If theyre not here where are they.
I rush back out the spinny an clamber back over the rocks till I reach the long grass. No thing on the rising.
I walk tords the lake but half way past Alices field I hear a strange sound that makes me stop an listen. Wat wer it. I close my eyes an hold my breth.
Lafter. Thats wat it wer. I hear it a gen from some where to my right. Lafter an. Like breathing or moaning. Like some body whos tasted nice food. Saying Mmmm.
I turn to my right an see the sun flowers. They all stare back at me like Who are you. Like Wat are you looking at. Maybe its cus theyre Alices I dont no but I kinda feel like theyre guarding the field like they dont want to let me in.
I stand there for a wile lissning to the lafter an quite talk an Mmmm-ing and then I side wat to do.
I walk round the sun flowers till I get to the wood pile an climb up on top. From there I can see the long grass at the other side where Ive jus been standing an I can see tween the rows of sun flowers I can see the dry erth an I can see.
Them.
Him an her.
Wat are they do-ing.
Ther faces keep moving close to gether like they want to whisper to each other but they dont put ther lips to each others ears they put em to each others lips. Like theyre talking into each others mouths. Like theyre kissing good night but the kisses last too long ther lips stay to gether for duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum duum. An then ther lips part an they laf an I let my breth out.
Wat are they do-ing.
Its some thing bad I think. Its some thing they shunt be do-ing.
Theyre kissing a gen now I lose count of the duum duums. An now Hes sliding the straps of her dress down her arms an I can see her chest that I used to see all the time but now she gets barrast if ahm there wen shes dressing. It used to be flat an brown like mine but now its like two wite lil udders an Hes touching it with his hands. Is he milking her. She says Mmmm. Theyre eating each others mouths now an theyre lying on the ground. Her dressll get dirty. He takes off his T-shirt an his backs brown you can see the muscles under the skin. Watching em I keep having to mind my self to breath. I feel guilty an look a way but then I want to see wat theyre do-ing so I look a gen an His mouths on her chest. Its weird is he sucking her milk or wat are they wat are they do-ing.
Some thing bad.
Some thing they shunt be do-ing.
Maybe its the Devil thats temted em.
I side to stop em. Maybe I can save em from the bad thing an theyll say thank you to me wen theyre free of the Devils spell. I climb down off the wood pile an walk tords the sun flowers. I cant see em now but I no where they are. An I can hear em. Breathing. Going Mmmm.
Sunly I start running ahm angry an sad an even thru the heat I run fast as I can. I need to put em out ther misry.
The sun flowers are looking the other way so they cant stop me now. I run thru two rows of em an see Will an Alice in front of me an I scream Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Nex thing I no Alices standing in front of me. Her hands are pulling up her dress an her faces red shes staring at me with I-scold hate. Shes talking hissing at me I listen to the words w
ats she saying.
the hell you think your do-ing Finn. Wy did you follow us. Say some thing.
I wanted to no wat you wer do-ing.
An now you no.
Yeh. An its rong.
No its not.
Its bad wat your do-ing.
How wud you no. You dont no any thing.
You dint even like Him befor.
Well I do now so go.
He wer my friend I say.
The tears are coming up my throat now an trying to squeeze in the backs of my eyes. I can hear em in my voice.
He wer my friend not yours. Wyd you have to steal Him from me.
I dint steal Him. He likes me too thats all.
You all ways have to ruin things for me. All ways. Wy cant you let me be happy. Wy
But the tears have scaped now an theyre poring out my eyes. I put my hands over my eyes so all I sees red an black. The harder I press the blacker it goes. I feel like ahm swaying.
Go away Finn I hear her say.
I gin to walk tho I dont no where ahm go-ing.
XV
Walking in the garden in the cool of the shade, here by the edge of the lake. It’s late afternoon, and I’ve just woken up. Over the water the heat haze flickers, but here between birch trees a breeze blows across my face. I hear birdsong and the river, His voice as the sound of many waters …
Everything’s too good to be true. Ergo it must be false. I know this, and it is why I guard my suspicions tight and dark inside me, always smiling and pretending, like he does.
Yesterday was a moonday, so it has been twenty-nine days since Will landed on our island, and during that time it has rained almost every night. The lake is full, the river high, the horizon invisible. Since he came, Alice has been kind, cheerful and polite towards me; she is a changed girl. Finn and Daisy love him, of course. And the work he does, the respect he shows … And yet I know I must stay vigilant. Will is a charmer, he’s a snake. I must not let him hypnotise me with his words, smiles, actions. There are hours, whole days, when I wish I could just relax and enjoy these moments, this sense of security, like my children do. But I am here to protect them, and I must not let my guard down. What is he up to? What does he WANT?
Only once that I know of has he spoken a word out of place, back on the second day. Finn was asking him about televisions and telephones, and Will took out his mobile. This was outside, under the branch roof, and I was tending the vines, watching from the corner of my eye. When I saw Finn take that evil instrument in his hands, I yelled ‘No’ and ran towards them as Finn put the tiny plastic Devil to his ear. Will saw the look on my face and took his Devil away from Finn, who cried out. ‘It doesn’t work,’ said Will, to me, fear in his voice. ‘There’s no signal up here. Listen.’ He handed It to me and I let It fall to the hard ground. There, like a shiny beetle, I crushed it beneath the heel of my boot. Finn shouted ‘Why?’ and I told him about the microwaves, the toxins, the radiation pouring from the Devil into his ear. Finn stared at Will, who said ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.’ Finn didn’t speak for the rest of that day.
On I walk, round the edge of the lake. I left Daisy playing with Goldie in the shade behind the ark. Finn, I guess, is somewhere with Will, as always. As for Alice … down by the beach? I don’t know. Not so long ago, the dark emptiness of that not knowing would have bred horrors in my mind; I would have visioned her entering the Afterwoods, seeking out secrets, but now she seems to have forgotten those obsessions. I have followed her several times, unknown to her, but she never even went near the forest, only dreamily drew symbols in the sand or read Shakespeare or stared out to sea, her eyes filled not with longing but with tranquillity. Sometimes, to my astonishment, she watered her field of sunflowers, in the evening, when she was free to do as she wished and her work for the day was done. I have never known Alice like this before. It is as if, before my very eyes, she is turning from a girl into a woman.
I do not trust him as far as I can spit. And yet, I cannot deny the harmony that exists now between me and my children. O Lord, I am grateful for that small mercy.
I walk slowly towards the river, past the huge woodpile that Will sawed and stacked, and along the riverbank to the southern shore, where he has built his shelter. There’s something I want to talk to him about. I clamber over the rocks, thinking about how I will begin this conversation. Then, drawing near to the spinny of trees, I hear sobbing. The sound of a small child.
I tense. ‘Daisy? Finn?’
I enter the spinny and see my son sitting in the shade by Snowy’s gravestone, elbows on knees and face in hands, tears rolling between his fingers.
‘Finn, what’s the matter?’
He looks up, then covers his eyes again.
‘Why are you crying?’
I put my arms round his shoulders and feel them heave as another gust of sobs pours out of him.
‘Finn … please. Tell me what’s wrong. Are you hurt?’
‘N-no. I’m …’
I pull his hands from his face and wipe his tears with the hem of my T-shirt. And I shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain. His sobbing slows down, grows quieter. I rub his back. ‘It’s all right, Finn. Now tell me. What’s happened? Why are you upset?’
‘It’s Alice,’ he says dully, staring at the ground. ‘She’s stolen him from me.’
‘I don’t understand. Stolen who?’
‘Will, of course. He was my friend, and now he’s hers. Just because she’s …’
‘Finn, Finn, calm down. Why can’t you both be friends with Will?’
‘He doesn’t care about me any more, and it’s her fault. All he cares about is her because she’s …’
Thy sister came with subtilty, and hath taken away thy blessing.
He goes silent. I frown. ‘Because she’s what?’
He looks up at me with something like guilt on his face.
‘Because she’s a girl,’ he mumbles.
A tightening in my chest. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You know. They’re kissing and wrestling and laughing and … breathing funny all the time.’
Finn’s face has gone red.
‘Kissing? You mean … on the mouth?’
‘Like they’re eating each other’s faces.’
And to think I almost trusted that snake. Almost believed his lies.
‘Are they kissing now, Finn?’
He shrugs. ‘Probably. They were before. Rolling around naked on the ground.’
Naked.
‘WHERE ARE THEY?’
Finn looks very small and frightened suddenly.
I lower my voice, ask again, ‘Where are they? Do you know where they are?’
‘In the sunflowers,’ he replies in a small voice.
I stand up. ‘Thank you, Finn.’
You are my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.
A nervous smile flickers across his face. ‘What are you going to do … to them?’
‘Nothing. Go back to the ark.’
I begin to walk away.
‘Pa … is it bad, what they’re doing?’
I turn around – ‘The ark, Finn’ – and start running towards the sunflower field.
Kissing and wrestling and breathing funny. He might be wrong. He might not have seen what he thinks he’s seen. Kissing and laughing and rolling around naked. Finn might be making it up because he’s jealous. He could be lying exaggerating I must stay calm. Wait and see what. The edges of my vision are reddening as I run. I slow down, take deep breaths, and the crimson fades. I stop, close my eyes, open them again, look around: green trees, blue sky, yellow and black sunflowers. Calm, stay calm, you know what happens when you. At an easy pace I move forward. And they heard the voice of the Father walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Will and Alice hid themselves from the presence of the Father amongst the trees of the garden. And the Father called unto. But no, I keep s
ilent, and walk on, until I reach the sunflowers. I stand at the edge of Alice’s field and stare at the identical faces. The black circles at the centre of each look suddenly like mouths open screaming in horror. Calm down, calm. Innocent till proven guilty. I hear muffled laughter from somewhere among the screaming flowers, and walk along the rows, staring down each in turn. Innocent till proven GUILTY. And I shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers, even as I received of my Father. Along the rows, one by one: empty, empty, empty, empty, stop. A pair of feet, naked? I move to the next row and see a tangle of flesh in the baking hazing shadowy distance. I blink, squint, sweat stings my eye. Maybe I’m just imagining the edges of the field turn red like blood and I calm down, calm. Revenge is best served cold. I close my eyes, breathe slowly, but my heart won’t listen to reason. CONTAMINATED. And first I will recompense their iniquity and their sin double, because they have defiled my land, they have filled mine inheritance with the carcasses of their abominable deeds. I move through the sunflowers, their silent screaming heads. Walking in the garden in the heat of the day. I hear laughter again, and then Mmmm. BETRAYED. I will cause them to know mine hand and my might, and they shall know my name is. Touch my daughter and I’ll fucking kill you you fucking. Calm. But the red at the edges is growing inward, like a bloodstain spreading, blotting out all other colours. The sunflowers like screaming bloodheads. I shade my eyes and look at their bodies half-naked entangled in the dry soil, black lines on their skin from the sunflowers’ shadows. I can’t see their heads or feet only their torsos and their thighs and. RUINED. Barren hate, sour-eyed disdain and discord shall bestrew the union of your bed with weeds so loathly that you shall hate it both. I stand, frozen, in the broiling sunlight. I cannot move or speak. Their bodies are turning red, their skin glazed with blood. Let mine eyes run down with tears night and day, and let them not cease, for my virgin daughter is broken with a great breach, O with a very grievous blow. And the Father said to Alice, WHAT IS THIS THAT THOU HAST DONE? I take another step forward I am going to fucking kill you and then I can feel it. That weird flutter in my chest like I’ve disturbed a nest of wasps. And their bodies slick with blood with sweat with writhing. I want to shout out but my voice is weak as a dreamer’s in my throat and the red earth’s spinning my legs melt I fall. And the soil dry in my fingers on my face in my mouth the taste of it.