by A M Russell
‘Time travel?’ Davey said suddenly, and much louder, ‘You mean flipping Time travel! I knew you had to be a quiet one for a reason other than shyness.’
‘A quiet one?’ I repeated, ‘I think more like totally invisible. I wasn’t going to tell you both. I’m so sorry. But his is why I’m crazy… yes I know that is actually true. I’m not denying it…’ I thought of Hanson’s sneering at me then. He couldn’t understand the irony of his taunt, and know why I was so dangerous. I had no control. I supposed in a vague kind of way I had to practice from now on… that’s why I had to see Karis if I could; fairly soon. But the barriers were back in place now.
‘You can do all of that stuff that Aiden could and more?’ Marcia was talking with a kind of awed shock. I found it a bit uncomfortable. But she soon looked at me differently.
‘You have been suffering this… all the time. And not been able to tell. That is why you wanted to go to join that secluded order?’ she coloured up then, realising she had let something slip in front of Davey.
‘Yes. It’s true.’ I said, ‘they were the only other people who I could be around and it didn’t torment me all the time.’
‘So why didn’t you go?’ she asked.
‘Because,’ I said, ‘I was running away, and although it gave me some peace to be there. It gave me some faith… even though it’s been a very rocky start, I knew that it was better to try and find an answer elsewhere.’
‘The expedition.’
‘Yes.’
‘But you ended up in it even though you had the accident and were…’
‘Even though I was dying in hospital.’ I finished for her, ‘yes, it’s true.’
‘So you really were going to come on the expedition?’ asked Davey.
‘Yes… and No. it was undecided. I had a meeting with the man from the order. He happened to be in London on a conference, and he said he would meet me and talk. And later the same day… I was to have… I mean I did have the interview for the Sandglass experiment.’
‘Do you remember it now?’ Davey asked.
‘You mean the interview for Sandglass… yes. But it’s just like the déjà vu we all got on the expedition. I remember it… but only by going back from the moment I’m in tracing it back.’
‘Do did you meet you man, you were supposed to meet?’ Asked Marcia.
‘I…. err…’ I found I wasn’t sure. And her question was odd, since it presupposed that in that version I had been on my way to meet him just before the crash. It was early the next day. That’s why Janey and I were going to travel down during the night. He could meet me…. When? I cast my mind back. Davey seemed animated by something.
‘Did you meet anyone on the way?’ he asked me.
‘No. why?’
‘Just a thought.’ He looked puzzled then.
‘I don’t know what happened,’ I said, ‘but like you, I do suspect foul play. Sandglass was not the place for people like me, according to the board.’
‘But you were on the board.’ said Davey, ‘they made you resign.’
‘I was on the board in another version of reality.’ I said, ‘And that way they had a reason for me not to be in a certain place at a certain time. That way I was no trouble; and no influence. It all hinges on that day; late on that day. The board was the next day. I was to go. It was later on the Second of August. I would have had… I mean; I did have, three appointments that day. The man from the order; the Sandglass interview; and then the board meeting as a new member. I had been seconded from the graduate set that Hanson’s mob controlled. It was someone else who put me forward for it. I was informed by phone that I was on, as I had already consented to stand if they voted for me.’
‘So you really did have a say in the matter?’ Marcia stood to go in the kitchen again. I heard her putting the kettle on. I was thinking more slowly now. Not in such a panic, not racing thoughts like I normally had. I head the buzzer go. Davey got up to let Janey in.
She was dancing in the door, upbeat and chatty. She threw herself at Davey.
‘Oh Darling! You look so much better. How is my errant brother? Not giving you too much trouble I hope.’
‘I don’t know what to tell you,’ said Davey cheerfully, ‘he’s about the same as usual. Totally unpredictable…. but there is something; but then how about you? What did our respective Mothers have to say for themselves?’
‘Oh! That is a bit of a mystery. Jules is still there. He and Peter took some of our more… experimental instruments. We found a residue trace as if something has recently been there but had disappeared. It was really odd…. Anyway, George has got the details. Let’s not be boring, he can fill us all in tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’ I said as I leaned against the door jamb that led from the sitting room to my hall way, ‘is it that soon?’
Janey and Davey both turned to me then.
‘Oh Jared! You’re here!’
‘Of course I’m here. It is my flat.’ I laughed then.
‘What is it?’ she said, and put her bag and coat on the chair nearby, ‘you seem so…. Different.’
‘Yes,’ said Davey looking at me, ‘You are different…’ his eyes were speaking to me saying what do we do now?
‘Why don’t you see what Marcia is doing.’ I said to him, and turned back into the now dimly lit room. I switched a nearby lamp on, and took out another cigarette. Janey followed me in. she seemed puzzled by me. I wasn’t sure what to say. We hadn’t talked about these things for so long. I sat back on the settee and lit the black slim cigar, with the small red lighter. I pocketed it then and inhaled deeply. There was that hint of dark earth and a soft hum of the drug. I wanted to replace that thing with something else more suitable. Better for one’s health. We all have our weaknesses. Smoking and drinking were too of mine. The others were cars and women. I blew a stream of smoke into the air. For once Janey didn’t complain.
She came round and sat by me as I put my feet up on the coffee table.
‘You have something to tell me Jared.’ She pushed herself under my free arm. She did this… being feminine and persuasive. She could work a similar charm with our father… but only the times when he was feeling susceptible to her rather sweet guile.
I looked sideways at her through my lashes, ‘What is it Angel?’
‘You’ve done something… recently. I can sense it.’ She said.
‘Yes.’
‘What happened to you tonight Jared? Did you miss me,’ her tone was petulant and girly.
‘Yes.’
‘How much?’
‘This much,’ I pulled her closer, and rubbed noses with her, ‘dear little Angel. Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright.’
‘I have only three now.’ She said quietly, ‘I tried for a long time. But I still need some protection.’
‘From what?’ I said and watched the stream of smoke curl into the dimness of the ceiling.
‘From you Jared…. I know you don’t think so.’ She stared at me eyes luminous in the dim light.
‘What is the problem?’ I said tipping my head back to see the curling stream going into the air above me.
Janey half stood up and leaned her weight on me; her hands pinning my shoulders down, ‘the time back there. Remember. We were in harmony… finding peace. When Davey was still weak, remember.’
‘Yes. I remember.’ I said softly.
‘I Love him.’ She said simply.
‘Then perhaps you better let go of me and go and tell him that.’ I said. I knew what I said was curiously ambivalent. Janey and Me; well it had always been complicated. We were in love with each other in a way neither would admit. She was wonderful, inspiring, intelligent, could dance when the social occasion called for it. She was also like rage and fire, and completely out of control and unpredictable. She was peaceful, or raging and angry; logical and focused… or chaotic and emotional. And I could never find out which beforehand. I wasn’t sure now. I supposed that it was her way of expressing the in
ner argument. I turned inwards; hers blasted outwards. The only other person who really understood was our other sister Karis. Karis knew this peculiar thing from an angle that even our parents could not see.
Janey didn’t seem inclined to stop leaning on me.
‘I’ll throw you off missy!’ I said trying to budge sideways out of her grip.
‘I don’t think so.’ She whispered in my ear.
I blew a stream of smoke in her face. But she just took it out of my hands and stubbed it out.
‘Don’t be mean.’ She said.
‘Janey please get off, you’re hurting me.’
‘You’ve been outside of the hedge haven’t you?’ (This was a way of describing the removal of the locks and keys I described earlier).
‘Yes.’ I put my free hand over her mouth, ‘Stop now Janey. Stop playing with me.’
Her face changed; ‘I’m not playing.’ she said irritably, curling her fingers round mine and pushing my hand to one side.
‘What do you want Janey? Really? I can’t take any more of this confusion.’
‘You don’t want me here?’ she pulled back a little and looked as if she might cry, ‘I haven’t got anyone else who really cares.’
‘What about Davey?’ I said quietly.
‘You never said what happened tonight.’ She put her head on one side.
‘Don’t refuse to answer my question.’ I said firmly.
‘I’m not. I just don’t know…. I really don’t know. What should I do Jared? Tell me what to do….’ She finally slipped sideways and curled herself under my left arm, like a pet cat.
‘I’m tired.’ She said, ‘I want to be free. You understand that…. I was always following in your wake Jared. You were always the golden boy… always the favourite.’
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I didn’t feel she was being fair. But the essential truth of what she was saying was undeniable. It was Mother who was there the most and Janey maybe felt left out. I think that she wouldn’t let our mother love her. She didn’t want to be combed and dressed up like the pretty doll she was. She quite rightly wanted to have interesting conversations about physics and particles and quantum theory. I was the soft compliant one to my Mother. The one who accepted the aesthetic pleasures of being dragged round ancient castles and gardens as a positive experience. Janey was the one who wanted to fiddle with the machinery and see how it all worked. I just watched and looked… Janey wanted to be like me, and I more like her. She wanted to suck some life from me in a way I did not want to do to her. Those elemental forces that were at work inside her made her dangerous. The only person who seemed able to calm this vexed woman was Davey. And it was for reasons that I had no notion of. I hoped that she would just calm down so we could all have some supper, and I hoped some more cups of tea. I was really gagging for a cuppa now.
‘I’m sorry.’ She said, all contrite and reasonable again.
I leaned over and picked up the half smoked end, and then relit it. Janey stayed curled under my arm. She seemed to be falling asleep as Marcia and Davey came back in.
‘Thank you for well stocked cupboards!’ Davey grinned, ‘we’ve been having fun raiding them! I hope you don’t mind.’
‘No… err would you.’ I indicated the vacant seat next to Janey.
Davey sat down there, as Marcia stirred my tea pot sending wreathes of stream into the hazy air; we gently tipped the dozing Janey from me to Davey. I picked up a plate.
‘Are you ready for this?’ said Marcia.
‘Looks great.’ I said, ‘are these fresh baked?’
‘That what I was doing earlier, when Violette was still here. We were making samosas. Davey’s were a bit wonky though!’
‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘we ate the evidence. You get the best ones that Marcia did for you.’
‘Thanks.’ I looked up at her. She was happy and animated. I knew she knew all about Me, Janey, and everything else. Yet somehow, it didn’t matter. Of if it did, whatever weirdness there was, she had the capacity to overcome it all with her acceptance. That strange thing, an inclination not to judge all those weaknesses in others, was one of the many things that made me love her so deeply. Marcia didn’t make me feel anguished or pained. If it was intense, it had only been my own fear of being found out that stopped us from being closer all that time ago. I was told squarely by Davey, Violette; and even Janey to stop keeping Marcia at arm’s length.
I took one of her wonderful Samosas and was thankful for someone who wasn’t afraid of the truth about all things. She was wonderful and simply lovely. And she accepted Janey’s crazy and erratic behaviour with an equanimity that I was quite in admiration of. I thought then that Marcia and Davey had come into both our lives at the right time. We were both in need of something that had to be found outside of ourselves. Davey was smiling at me. ‘You have the magic touch,’ he said, ‘she’s not normally this relaxed. Too much going on.’
‘The anomaly thingy?’ I asked.
‘Yeah… she said it was quite small but measurable. But it might be nothing that we can get anything from for the group.
‘What are we looking for exactly?’
‘Indicators of other activity by Project Bank.’ said Marcia with a radish between her teeth.
‘Do you think it is?’ I asked him.
‘Uh huh?’ he shrugged. ‘The person to get a clear picture of it is our dear Jules.’
‘Is he better now?’ I had an image or him from George’s house going absolutely giddy after the debrief, because he was just so over-whelmed to see us both.
‘Talking in geek speak again.’ said Davey, ‘He’s back on form. But goes really quiet if anyone mentions the expedition now.’
‘Still smarting from being sacked as a chief scientist.’ said Marcia, ‘he’s still got the job in lecturing for the physics department. But the rest is just a pain to him.’
‘I think that Jules might be one of the people that Lorraine knew back when I was at college.’ I said.
‘Really?’ Marcia looks suddenly serious.
‘What is she?’ asks Davey.
‘Well….’ I began, ‘there is just no explaining some people.’
‘There’s no excuse for them either.’ said Marcia, ‘she is the original bitch. Total Man-eater. Manipulator is the other name she should have. And there isn’t a man with a pulse who is totally resistant to her charms…. that is until after she’s had a go with you.’
‘Well, I don’t see what’s so good about her.’ said Davey.
‘Unusual.’ I said, ‘perhaps her pitchfork got mangled in the dishwasher.’
‘Oh!’ said Davey, getting what I meant all at once, ‘she was your girlfriend?’
‘Yeah. Certainly was…. As well as Hanson’s and some other poor sod…all at the same time.’
‘You surprize me Jared,’ Davey looked serious, ‘I thought you were more the type to hang back and wait.
‘I am! I just let the women persuade me.’
‘So I need only my noble qualities of terror of the opposite sex to protect me?’ he was laughing now.
‘Yeah…. well, there is that. But she really is scary, and not only for that reason.’
‘Very good point…’ Janey mumbled next to me.
‘Janey?’ Davey got her a plate, ‘do you want some supper now?’
‘Yes… in a few Nano-seconds…. just recalling what I would like to say to Lorraine if the occasion called for it.’
‘The fact is,’ I said, ‘that when we said she was a witch; it was not metaphorical.’
*****
Two
I stood in the early sun. She was leaning against the wall. We waited for Sam Wright. It was odd, until I realised that the self-assured Sam was the same Sam who had been on the edge of Hanson’s crowd. His hair was longer then too, and he wasn’t as clean looking. Back then he smoked joints and played the guitar. He had done the most incredible reinvention ever. The thing was that he didn’t really see who I was either. Act
ing Expedition Leader…. After being the silent and gloomy art student. He had rung me earlier with a kind of shock in his voice. How could we not realise? Connections were springing up all over the place.
Sam was wearing sunglasses. He had the car keys dangling by one finger.
‘You really ought to look a little less suspicious.’ He said to me while looking at Marcia.
‘I’m on a spring break,’ I said, ‘and what’s wrong with me?’
‘You still look like and art student.’ said Sam, tapping me on the chest and then getting out a cigarette. He offered me one, but I shook my head. ‘Not my brand Sam.’
‘Indeed,’ he said out of the corner of his mouth, ‘you are very particular about many things. You could perhaps be a little less rigid?’
‘About smoking?’ I joked as Marcia joined us.
‘No. about your personal habits… don’t take that the wrong way. I think you could do to be a little less conspicuous.’
‘What’s wrong with purple?’ I asked him.
‘Nothing,’ Sam started off round the corner, ‘It goes with your eyes. But we are trying to be discrete here.’
I looked at Marcia’s pink dress. Sam nodded to Marcia; ‘but you are just fine.’ He said.
‘What?’ I was wishing I hadn’t had that tequila last night now.
‘Now you sound like Davey!’ said Sam as we got near the car. Marcia just smiled sweetly and got into the passenger seat as Sam opened the door for her.
We were bowling along with the windows open. I sat in the back. I absently scraped at the nail on my right thumb. Drawing ink. At least everything matched. Marcia was looking at the map and Sam drove with one hand on the wheel. I think she was initiating him into the strangeness of the roads “Up North”. He was not from our part of the world. In fact, I wasn’t sure where he was from. There was something to be said for being inconspicuous. I sank back and let the miles take me. By the time we stopped for a break it had clouded over, and started to quietly drizzle. Sam got out frowning.