by C.J Duggan
“Night, Mum. Night, Dad,” I mumbled.
Chris laughed. “Bloody hell.” His footsteps made their way out of the room and down the hall.
I sighed, feeling the weight of the cover engulf me, lovingly adjusted over me, with the corners tucked in to ward off a wayward chill. I felt the bed dip next to me, and a cool hand sweep away the hair from my brow. I could barely make out Tammy’s face, but I knew the look anyway. A sad smile and kind eyes, pity. I was grateful for the poor lighting.
“You know what? You are going to feel so much better tomorrow, I promise.”
“Breakfast in bed?” I croaked.
Tammy laughed. “A million times better than that.”
I frowned. “What could be better than that?” I yawned.
Tammy rubbed my shoulder. “Surprising Tess.”
The bed creaked as Tammy stood, her light footsteps making their way toward the door. “Night, Ellie.”
“Mmm hmm,” I managed, snuggling into Adam’s doona, taking in a deep breath. I was disappointed they didn’t smell like him. Still, with the aid of a belly full of booze and the familiarity of Adam’s room, I had little doubt that despite wherever Adam was and whoever Adam was with, I would slip into a deep, comfortable sleep. That was the only benefit of being drunk. Senses are dulled, so pain I should be experiencing was softened. Megsy Fucking Who?
Chapter Eleven
I never heard him come to bed. I assumed he was sleeping at his parents’ house. I stirred from my slumber the moment Adam kicked the bed by accident.
“Shit. Fuck.”
The mattress bounced as he fell onto the edge of the bed, swearing and whimpering about his stubbed toe. I was wide awake now, but ever so still in my little blanketed cocoon. It was safe to say he knew I was here, seeing he was trying so hard to be quiet. I spied the darkened outline of his silhouette in the room and smiled. The shadow limped over toward the direction of the dresser; he was trying to feel his way across the room, his palms skimming along the wall, then the dresser itself, based on the sound of crashing objects.
“Fuck. Shit,” he whispered.
I started to giggle, trying to muffle the sound under the blanket, if not rather unsuccessfully.
“Where the hell am I?” Adam complained, lost in his own room.
I scooted up straight, leaning over to click the bedside light on, casting the room in an eerie, yellowy glow. Adam was in the far corner of his room, hands splayed against his cupboard door. He turned around, squinting against the light.
“I would be a crap homing pigeon,” he said sheepishly, looking around at his foreign placement in his room.
“What are you doing?” I said, glancing at the clock and feeling utterly relieved to know that by basic calculation Adam had obviously just dropped Meg off and come straight back. What could have happened as a part of a goodbye though was something I didn’t want to think about right now.
“I am trying to go to bed,” he said, opening his cupboard like it was exactly where he wanted to be. He glanced inside, and then shut the doors, before coughing and making his way across the other side to the tall boy. “As you were.” He nodded with a little smirk.
“I think I’ll wait,” I said, sitting against the bedhead, crossing my arms.
Adam opened up the top drawer, grabbing some boxers out like I knew he would. I knew pretty much all of Adam’s movements before he did: he would go to the bathroom, have a shower, brush his teeth and then hop into bed, hair all damp, smelling of mint and Lynx deodorant, ready to go to sleep like a good boy scout. It had me suddenly realising how I hadn’t exactly behaved like a girl scout. I probably had raccoon eyes and matted hair; I was still fully clothed having merely been dumped here. I still felt a little foggy, but I sure as hell wasn’t staying this way.
“Um, hang on, can I use the bathroom first?” I asked, pulling back the blankets and moving toward my bag to grab my nightie and toiletry bag. Too bad, the terms was non-negotiable, I didn’t want Adam seeing me like this, being reminded with how awful I had behaved tonight.
“Ugh, seriously?”
“In and out, I swear.”
“Yeah, well, don’t be three hours,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed already losing patience.
I did what the old Ellie would do, I flipped him the bird while I exited the room. Adam merely caught it and clutched it to his heart as if I had blown him a kiss. He was such an idiot, I thought, walking down the hall with a big goofy grin on my face.
***
After rubbing, scrubbing, lathering, soaping my skin to pinkness—I mean, I had been sitting on the ladies’ toilet floor, after all—I quickly blow-dried my hair; if it was the one thing I had been taught by my mum, it was not to go to bed with wet hair. I could just imagine Adam rolling his eyes at the sound of the blow-dryer coming to life. It gave me a sick kind of pleasure thinking about annoying him a little. Hair dried, I would usually pull it up into a messy bun, but I left it down instead. I began my normal nightly ritual of moisturising my legs, brushing my teeth, and then spraying my Tommy Girl perfume in the air before doing a pirouette into the mist; okay, so I didn’t exactly wear perfume to bed, but hey.
Looking at my reflection, satisfied with the result, I turned, then whipped open the bathroom door. A cloud of steam escaping into the hall, I was about to step through it—much like a magician would—but was stilled by Adam leaning on the other side of the doorjamb looking bored.
“You done?” he deadpanned.
“In a sec, I just forgot to …” I went to double back into the bathroom, but Adam quickly grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the hall.
“Hey,” I said, incredulous of his manhandling, but secretly loving it. Without a word, Adam saluted me from his brow and closed the door. It didn’t take long for the shower to be running, and for Adam’s voice to echo against the tiles as he sung ‘Heard it through the Grapevine’ at the top of his lungs.
Again, much like I had only moments before, I found myself walking down the hall with a big ol’ grin spread across my face. I tried to remember the last time I had ever smiled so much. It had been a long time. As much as I kind of dreaded coming home this weekend, I actually couldn’t think of anywhere else I would rather be; only then did my smile dip a little. Once again, uncertainty flooded me, allowing myself to feel this way. Lost in my thoughts I hadn’t even realised I had come to a standstill until the door next to me flew open, causing me to jump at the unexpectedness of it.
There Max stood, hair all dishevelled, wearing only a sheet wrapped around his narrow hips. I think he was giving me a filthy look, although it was hard to tell because his face was all twisted, as his eyes adjusted to the light in the hall.
“What are you doing?” he croaked, rubbing his hair.
“Just heading to bed.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, well, can you and Romeo keep it down, some of us have got to get up early.”
I breathed out a laugh; Max called every couple Romeo and Juliet, it was his thing, scoffing at the loved-up couples from the bar. Even though Adam and I weren’t a loved-up couple we were still not immune to his scorn.
“Oh, and where are you off to then?”
A high-pitched note Adam attempted from his shower concert delayed Max’s answer. We both cringed before he answered.
“I’m headed back to Moira Station in the morning for the weekend.”
I broke into a broad, knowing smile, one that instantly put Max on edge.
“Well, well, well, for someone who doesn’t like going home, you’re sure making a few trips of late.”
“Shut up.”
“Well, say hi to Juliet for me; oh, I mean, Mel-in-da.” I had great pleasure, along with everyone else in Onslow, in giving Max shit about his new girlfriend. The very man who had made it his life’s mission to escape his dusty hometown and forge a new life elsewhere had gone and done something rather foolish. He’d fallen in love with a girl from back home: oh, the irony.
�
�So, just out of interest, how does the long-distance love thing fare?” I asked, crossing my arms.
Max smirked. “Why? Looking at starting one up?”
“No!” I replied, perhaps a bit too quickly. Maybe it was my paranoia but I didn’t want him alluding to Adam and me; any other time anyone ever teased us I could roll my eyes, or come back with a quick “he wishes” comment. Now, I wasn’t so sure I could fake it.
My awkwardness was not lost on Max as he studied my face for a long moment. “I don’t recommend it,” he said, surprisingly candid.
“Not a fan of early mornings?” I joked.
Max shrugged one shoulder. “If you love someone, you never want to leave them behind.”
And in that very brief moment I knew exactly what he was saying. That feeling that twisted the pit of your stomach anytime you had to say goodbye; that heart-aching moment standing on the edge of the driveway waiting for Adam, only for him not to show, was like driving a dagger into my heart. These were all foreign emotions for me; admittedly I was the kind of person to fall in love with the newest boy in my vision, but nothing measured those feelings, nothing had ever come close and it scared the shit out of me. I blinked, trying to shake away the sickening feeling.
“So, wait, you’re not going to the party?”
Max shifted, readjusting his sheet around his waist. “Nah, I can’t. Why the hell are they having a surprise engagement party anyway?” Max asked the same question everyone was.
“You know Sean and Amy, always an overkill on the party scene.”
Max breathed out a laugh; it was enough to know he completely agreed. Our attention snapped to the groaning of the water pipes in the wall; it was always a clear sign that the shower had been turned off.
“Thank fuck for that.” Max sighed.
“The perks of having a room next to the bathroom; at least you can get some sleep now,” I said, edging my way to Adam’s room.
“Ha! That’s just the start of it; you should hear him whistle while he shaves, hum while he brushes his teeth. The boy needs gagging.”
I laughed, knowing every single thing Max had just described was the absolute truth. Sadly, that was Adam in a nutshell and I knew every one of those signature moves. It’s kind of what I loved about him the most; mind you, my room wasn’t near the bathroom.
“Well, sweet dreams, Romeo,” I called out, darting into the room and closing my door before Max had a chance to respond.
Chapter Twelve
I crawled back into bed, having left the lamp on for Adam to avoid a repeat of his rather disastrous earlier entrance. I snuggled down under the covers. My heart was pounding, which was ridiculous; I couldn’t count all the times I had stayed in this room, in this bed. Crashing here because I was too drunk to navigate my way home. No one even questioned it. My parents never worried if I stayed at the Onslow, no one even blinked an eye. It was just Adam and Ellie, and it had been that way all our lives. The only thing that changed now was my heart was beating faster, and I was extremely aware I was in Adam’s bed, his double bed that suddenly felt really small. Never had I so much as flinched or overthought the feel of him pressed up against me, but now I was terrified, terrified by the unpredictable emotions that were warring inside me. My thoughts were interrupted by Adam’s whistling down the hall; I couldn’t help but laugh, envisioning Max tossing and turning in his bed, cursing him.
Adam twisted the door handle, stepping inside dressed in only his boxers and a towel draped around his shoulders. His hair was damp and messy. My heart did a funny little backflip anytime I saw it that way. Adam pottered around like I wasn’t there; after all, I was here so often I was almost like an integral piece of furniture. He placed his watch on his dresser, rubbed at his damp tendrils vigorously before flicking the towel from his shoulders onto the back of the chair. I watched each and every predictable movement, knowing what was going to happen before he even did. The last ritual was to dive onto the bed, deliberately bouncing it to annoy me before ripping the covers from me.
“You quite right?”
Adam only grinned, leaning over me to click the light off. My eyes were wide, his chest crushed against my face. I had to think ugly thoughts.
Think ugly thoughts.
Rolling back onto his side I let out a breath I didn’t even realise I was holding. Now in the dark and the bed not overly big enough for the both of us, Adam’s body lay right next to mine, skin to skin. It was something so natural for ‘us’ but at the same time not natural at all, not for me.
The darkness we were swallowed up in only intensified the silence, which was usually comfortable but tonight it seemed strained and drawn out.
“So, Megsy Swanston, huh?” The words fell out before I had a chance to stop them. I couldn’t just leave well enough alone.
“Yeah, blast from the past,” he yawned out.
I was cursing myself on so many levels to bring this up now. It was something I really wanted to be able to read in Adam’s face, in his reactions. Not lying here in the dark, on the edge of sleep.
I twisted onto my side toward Adam, resting my head on my hand.
“Where did you run into her?” I tried to keep my voice light, matter of fact, when I felt anything but.
“Her mum’s pretty good friends with my mum, so that’s how I found out she was back in town.”
Strike that, it was probably just as well that we were in the dark; it would hide the scowl plastered across my face.
“Cool,” I managed. I thought if I kept my replies brief it would be less aggressive.
“Yeah, she’s a good egg.”
Yeah, a good egg that broke your heart, Adam Henderson.
I kind of wished I had a quick access and reference point to my old diaries, flipping to the day Adam was a heartbroken sixteen-year-old. It had been the one very rare moment I’d seen a different Adam walk toward me in the schoolyard—his downcast figure had made his way toward me with shoulders hunched, absentmindedly kicking the dirt as he walked as though he bore the whole weight of the world on his shoulders. I had instantly known there was something wrong. The Adam I knew walked as if bouncing on his toes—he had such a spring in his step—he was always grinning, or whistling or giving cheek to anyone that passed him within earshot, but that day, the day Megsy Swanston broke up with him, was a day my heart had broken too. If I hadn’t disliked her already, I damn well hated her then. Having seen Adam’s spirit crushed and shininess reflected in his eyes, I took it upon myself to march through the yard after school, toward where I knew she would be, waiting for the bus to take her to her little hippy commune of a home. I was going to give her a piece of my mind, tear shreds off her for being such a heartless bitch. But by the time I got there she was gone, and I never saw her again until tonight, never got to be the true friend to Adam I had wanted to be, even though I knew he would have hated me getting involved. Infuriatingly, he never said a bad word about her, always defended her anytime I had something snide to say. I was so frustrated by his attitude I quickly learnt not to bother, to just be happy she was out of our lives for good.
Until now.
I wanted to ask a million questions; my nervous, rambling thoughts kept me occupied from thinking too deeply about other things, but when my incessant talking about how much I couldn’t wait to see Tess’s face, and how good it felt to be home, and some things just never change and did he think that …
Wait.
I paused, listening to the deep draw in and out of Adam’s breathing, the sound of complete and utter contented sleeping. I smiled, a calmness settling over me listening to the sound. I snuggled in deeper, feeling the heat of Adam next to me, so close I could almost feel his breath, and I wondered how I could ever have been anything other than happy to be here, next to him. Megsy might be back on the scene but I was the girl in his bed; sure, the platonic, best friend in his bed, but if this weekend was a time to change that, to lay down the challenge and come to realise that the secrets I had been keeping
about my feelings had to stop, then so be it. Maybe it was the darkness that was lending me the bravery to turn my thoughts around, but there was something that went off inside my mind like a light switch. If there were to be another Megsy, things would change. There would be no more of this, and the very reality of that filled me with such horror, because for the life of me I couldn’t imagine an existence without this impossible boy by my side. I stared at Adam’s sleeping profile, barely visible in the shadows, and I could feel tears form in my eyes.
I love you, Adam Henderson.
And just like that, I was reminded of his words from last night. “This weekend you belong to me.” Well, Adam Henderson, we belong to each other, but you just don’t know it yet.
***
I awoke with a new determination, a new fire in my belly, aided by the fact that Adam’s arm was slung over my shoulder, pinning me in place. It was a nice arm, smattered with hair, leading up to his muscles, something that Adam had returned home with before Christmas. The army had been good to him, gave him the discipline and training he needed, plus sweet, sweet abs that were not lost on me. I really didn’t want to move, I could have stayed there forever. Then it occurred to me: the Ellie of old would have pushed his arm off and elbowed him and abused him for being a bed hog, but last night I hadn’t said a word, I’d welcomed all invasion of space, I may have even invaded his and he’d never once pushed me away. Aside from a zinger of a headache from the devil’s brew I had guzzled last night, I had never felt more alive. I slowly peeled Adam’s arm off me, sliding out of bed not for any other necessity than really needing the bathroom. I tiptoed to the door, biting my bottom lip, wincing at the unoiled hinges that seemed to haunt every single doorway of the old hotel. Tentatively opening it and sliding out into the hall, I continued my tiptoeing along the seventies-swirled carpet to the bathroom, twisting the handle and pushing, only to thud against the thick wooden door.