by C.J Duggan
“How you going to get in?” asked Tess’s mum.
“It’s all right, I’ll go the back way, through the beer garden; it’s always left opened for late-night creepers and, come to think of it, potential murderers.”
“Charming.”
“Thanks for the ride, I’ll see YOU tomorrow,” I said, giving Tess a poignant look before sliding out of the car and trying my best not to slam the door to wake Toby.
“Night,” Tess mouthed through the glass, blowing kisses.
I watched the lights disappear down Coronary Hill before turning to head through the side entrance of the beer garden. Even in the dead of night the beer garden was well lit these days, unlike before where you literally took your life into your own hands when you blindly fumbled your way through the obstacle course in complete darkness. I made my way with ease, taking the back garden staircase up to the second level toward the back door entrance. Considering there were still elements of tonight that worried me, I tried not to dwell on them. Instead, I opened the door and made my way down the darkened hall like I had done many times before. I could always navigate my way to Adam’s room even in the pitch black. I stilled in front of Adam’s room noticing a slither of light escaping underneath the door. I couldn’t hear anything save the beating of my heart in my ears. My hand rested on the handle but I didn’t turn it. For some reason I hesitated, knowing that inside there would only be the two of us, just like we were in the boat, right before he was about to tell me something, something that would change everything, it just had that kind of feeling about it. Now I wished I was drunk, then I could blame my reaction on an altered state instead of what I was likely to come out with.
Oh God, why was this so hard?
I couldn’t avoid him forever; in fact, I thought, squaring my shoulders, regardless of what he had to tell me, it was important for him to know how I felt too. If I was honest about that then I wouldn’t have to be writing soppy ‘what if?’ entries in my diaries for years to come. I had to stop being a coward and lingering at doors; I needed to just put it out there, everything on the table, no more secrecy, even if I was in danger of losing him, straining our friendship. I couldn’t keep going on like this. I had to move on one way or another and the thought of going back to the city tomorrow with all this unresolved and not knowing when I would be back, well, I just didn’t think I could bear it.
Taking in a deep, calming breath, I turned the handle, finding the courage somehow to push it open, only to freeze, stock-still in place as I took in the sight before me.
“Oh, hell, no!”
My blood ran cold, barely believing that there in my bed, passed out, was Megsy Swanston.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
When I had insisted Adam sort this out I didn’t mean for him to put her in my bed; well, his bed but still, after the way she had spoken to me I didn’t want her anywhere near me, and especially nowhere near Adam. Speaking of, where the hell was he? I guess I should have been relieved that he wasn’t in the bed too, but it still didn’t stop my blood from boiling.
Never a bad word to say about precious Megsy.
Well, I was done, I had done my good deed by going to the engagement party, I didn’t have to stand around and be kicked out of my own bed by her. I grabbed my bag, not making any effort to be quiet as I shoved all my clothes back into it, picking up my hair brush, deodorant, makeup off the dresser. Meg stirred in her sleep, her face twisting as she rolled over, mumbling, “Turn off the light.” I swear to God, if there had been a glass of water nearby.
I zipped up my bag, shrugging it onto my shoulder, and headed back out the door, making sure to leave the light on as I made my way back down the hall in the same direction, ready to kiss this night and the weekend goodbye.
***
Bless my parents’ predictability: spare key under pot plant saw me sleeping in my childhood room instead of on a park bench. A childhood room that had been quickly converted into a sewing room. I was glad that they were away for the weekend, I really didn’t need the lecture right now in comparing my life to Tess like they always seemed to do. It was quite clear as a case study that, yes, Tess had her life figured out: a sound further education, that led into a great job as a pharmacist, a stable relationship, even well travelled. And here I was, lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, wiping tears of frustration from my eyes. Tomorrow I would be gone and the way I felt, the burden of the heaviness in my chest had me thinking it couldn’t come soon enough. Despite the rather grim end to my weekend I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, a welcome refuge from the constant overworking of my mind. I was awakened only by the sound of my mobile buzzing next to my bracelet that I took off every night; the combination of vibrating mobile and rattling jewellery had me moving quickly to put a stop to the sound and discover that the name Tess was lit up across my screen and that brunch had well and truly led into lunch.
Oh crap!
“Hello?” I croaked.
“Where the hell are you?”
My mouth felt like cotton, my voice was still crackly from sleep. “I’m at home.”
“Maitland?”
“Hmm? Oh no, no. Home-home, Mum and Dad’s place.” I yawned.
“Well, thanks for telling me, I have been waiting in the bar for the last forty-five minutes.”
I winced. “Sorry, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision.”
“Okay, save the story for when I get there, see you soon.”
“No, Tess wa—”
But it was too late, the phone went dead.
“Craaap!” I threw the phone onto my mattress, rubbing my eyes. I didn’t have time for brunch, or lunch, or whatever this was. I had already missed the afternoon bus, and now wouldn’t be able to leave until the six o’clock bus that would have me arriving back in Maitland even later. I was so annoyed with myself.
Ripping the blankets from myself, I navigated my way past the cane baskets full of material, the exercise machine and boxes of old videos. Wow, it really hadn’t taken them long to work out a use for my room. I guess they really didn’t count on me coming back too often. Unlike Tess’s parents who had kept their daughter’s room like a shrine to her childhood, mine had completely eradicated any evidence of me at all. Maybe it was just because they didn’t know I would be dropping in, that’s all, that if I had come home with their knowledge Mum would have surely stocked the fridge with my favourites and put freshly washed linen on my bed. Alas, no; I sighed, opening the fridge to discover a punnet of cherry tomatoes and some ravioli pasta in a container with a bottle of wine on the shelf. Mum would have done the customary cleanout before they went away. Lunch was looking very bleak indeed; the rumbling in my belly told me as much. Since food was obviously not going to be my traditional start to the day I thought I would at least freshen up my rather insipid mood with a nice hot shower, spruce myself up in the hope that I would ditch the attitude somehow by the time Tess arrived. It didn’t work.
***
“Good morning!” Tess chimed as I opened the door. My hair was all wet and flaccid, my face makeup free, a rare sight reserved only for my nearest and dearest; lucky them.
Tess was holding up a tray of coffee and a paper bag with the very familiar symbol of the lake and hills printed on it, the one anyone would recognise anywhere as her parents’ café in Perry.
Tess lowered the cargo down, her smile falling with it.
“I thought you said you wouldn’t be hung over?”
“I’m not, this is just my natural sunshine goodness exuding from my being,” I deadpanned.
“Oh dear, you and Adam had another fight?”
“What makes you say that?” I asked, perhaps a little bit defensively.
Had he said something?
“Well, for one, you’re here instead of there and two, that natural sunshine goodness is more like I want to climb a bell tower.”
“Geez, dramatic much?” I scoffed, standing aside as Tess walked on in. The smell of apple and cin
namon muffins hit me first, followed by the aromatic coffee that had me salivating. Ever since moving to Maitland I fancied myself as a bit of a coffee connoisseur, walking down to the cafes as a morning ritual. I think I might have developed an addiction, hence why I was feeling so bleh, I told myself.
We made ourselves comfortable on the back step of my house; the view was pretty spectacular from here of the bushland. Our humble abode was only a cedar house, but Mum was blessed with a green thumb so the gardens were established and Dad’s love of birds and his elaborate feeding systems attracted beautiful creatures of all colours. That’s about as much as I knew about them; fortunately Dad wasn’t here to bore me to death with his birdwatching knowledge.
I sipped on my coffee, listening to the calls of the bush, smiling at the sound of a kookaburra mocking us with his laughter.
“So, you’re not going to elaborate on why you stayed here last night.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to tell.”
What could I say? I found Megsy Swanston in Adam’s bed. I really didn’t want to get into what any of that meant. Unlike me, Tess never had a real issue with Megsy; if anything, she had always approved of their relationship.
Tess looked at me with a sceptical curve to her brow. “Riiight.”
“It’s true,” I lied, and as if by some form of fate my phone chimed for what seemed like the hundredth time.
Message
Adam
“Where are you?”
Ignoring it, I put the mobile back on the deck and kept picking at my muffin.
“Aren’t you going to answer him?”
“Nope.”
Tess sighed. “Listen, Ellie, I think you’re being real harsh on Adam, I’m sure he never meant to offend you; I mean, if that’s what he did.”
“Always defending Adam.”
“Look, I just think you need to back off a bit, he has a bit on his plate right now and I just think …”
“What do you mean, he has a bit on his plate?”
Tess fell silent, like she instantly regretted what she had said.
“I just think you should talk to him, is all.”
“I’m tired of talking.”
I’m tired of being left in the dark; two months away and it’s almost like I wasn’t privy to all the private jokes, all the gossip, all the secrets. It then occurred to me the very reason I had wanted to have brunch with Tess in the first place: it was a means to be a better friend, my vow to try harder and be less self-absorbed. Something I had already failed miserably at, I thought, as I finished the last of my lovely muffin.
I glanced at Tess and her sweet, pleading eyes, the ones that always worried about me.
“Is there something that I should know, Tess, about Adam?”
It took a while for Tess to answer, as if she was thinking of a way to best respond.
“Just talk to him.”
I felt frustration twist my insides. When had we lost this connection? We were always ones to tell each other everything and now we were kind of like strangers; were we growing apart? I don’t think my heart could bear that. In a moment of sheer panic I blurted out the deepest, darkest secret I carried in the hope it would mend the bridge of trust.
“I’m in love with Adam.”
Chapter Twenty-One
It took a moment for my words to register with Tess, to the point that I thought she might not have heard me, but her brows rose and her mouth gaped at the sudden realisation as my words slowly sunk in.
“Oh my God, Ellie?”
“Oh, I know.” I groaned, covering my face with my hands, instantly regretting having told her. My eyes watered with the very frustration, running my fingers through my hair. “I feel so stupid.”
“You feel stupid? I feel stupid.” Tess looked like she was in an intense state of shock. “H-how long?”
It was a simple enough question, one that required a simple enough answer, but in all honesty, aside from the very key moments on our road trip to Point Shank, I feel I loved Adam a long time before then, I just misread the signs or more likely didn’t want to know about it.
I cringed when the answer came to me, because voicing it sounded so cliché. “I don’t think there has been a time where I haven’t loved him.”
Tess’s expression looked grim, definitely not the kind of reaction someone would have just finding out that one of her best friends was in love with her other best friend. This should have been perfect, but just by looking into her eyes I could tell she didn’t think so and I felt sick. It wasn’t jealousy; Tess was the most balanced, loved-up, non-jealous person I knew. No, it was something more, something unsaid, and it instantly made me feel ill.
“You know something,” I said.
Tess broke eye contact, looking out over the garden.
“Tess … you have to tell me,” I urged, my voice panicked.
“It’s not for me to say,” she said lowly.
I couldn’t believe this; I had just opened up to her about the singular biggest secret of my life and she was being all cryptic over something to do with Adam. I could feel a rage brewing inside me.
“Are you serious? You’re going to keep it from me?”
Tess laughed. “Oh my God, you are not going to play that card, are you? The old friends-tell-each-other-everything spiel, because clearly they don’t.”
“Look, I didn’t tell you because I was unsure, confused about whether what I was feeling was real.”
“Does anyone else know?”
Oh shit. Tammy.
My look must have said enough because Tess shook her head.
“Unbelievable.” She grabbed her empty coffee, and muffin bag, moving to stand to leave.
“Tess, wait.” I stood on the back step ready to go after her but she didn’t get far before spinning around to look up at me on the step. I had never seen her this mad before.
“No, you wait! You know why I can’t tell you, why the entire population of Onslow knows except you? Because Adam made us promise him that we wouldn’t, because he knew you were going away and he didn’t want you to be distracted and feel like you needed to come back to Onslow. That’s why friends keep secrets, that’s what has me always defending Adam. Telling you not to give him the silent treatment and play mind games, not with him. You might say you love him, but you have a funny way of showing it.”
“Tess, I’m sorry, how was I to know that …”
“Yeah, it’s not nice being the last to know, is it?”
My mouth gaped, I had nothing.
Tess wasn’t angry anymore; she seemed numb, and that terrified me more than her rage.
My phone sounded again. I was too afraid to look, too ashamed to.
“You might want to answer that,” she said, before turning and walking out of the yard and out of sight.
***
I was consumed by a nervous energy pacing back and forth in my parents’ lounge, waiting for Adam to arrive. I wrung my hands together, thinking of every single message I had ignored, every silent treatment, eye roll I had ever given him. I didn’t know what was worse: not knowing what he was keeping from me or the clear realisation that I was a horrible person.
Oh God.
I sat on the couch burying my head in my hands, feeling my knees trembling. I really just wanted to lose my shit, but I had no time to let down the floodgates; hearing the slamming of the screen door caused my head to snap up. There Adam stood in the doorway, the light shining behind his silhouette, Ray-Bans shielding his eyes as he leant against the door jamb, smiling as if he hadn’t a care in the world.
“For a while I thought you had joined the witness protection program,” he joked, because that’s what he would do, that’s what he always did. I looked at this boy standing before me and nothing else mattered. I stood, moving over to him, trying my hardest to keep my tears at bay. I simply stopped in front of him, wishing that I could see his eyes, and just like he always did he read my mind because he lifted his shades, sitting them b
ack to divide the dark fold of his thick dark hair. His eyes ticked curiously across my face; I hoped he couldn’t tell I was upset, but he read me better than anyone: the tinge of pink in my cheeks, my shiny eyes, dishevelled hair. If he knew something was wrong he never said anything and I loved him for that. I simply stepped into him, wrapping my arms around him, my chin resting in the alcove of his neck. Adam froze for the briefest moment, taken aback by the unexpectedness of it, before slowly and oh so gently circling his arms around me, embracing me in his strength, his warmth. Without saying a word he just held me and that’s when I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I couldn’t disguise my body shaking as I cried in Adam’s arms, not wanting to ever let go as he gently rubbed my back, comforting me more than he could ever understand.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“You didn’t break something in my room, did you? Is that why you ran away?”
Adam was trying to be light-hearted, and it did make me laugh a little as I lowered my hands and stepped back a little, wiping my eyes, as I shook my head.
Adam looked confused. “Then what are you sorry about?”
I was genuinely taken aback; had we been friends for so long he was immune to my wicked ways?
“I’ve been such a bitch to you, and you don’t deserve it.”
“Hmm, I think I give as good as I get.”
“No, no, you don’t, you put up with me and I am nothing but …”
“Ellie.”
Adam cut me off, looking down on me in wonder. “It’s us.”
I blinked, trying to decipher what that exactly meant. Adam broke into a boyish grin before shrugging. “It’s what we do.”
“It is?”
“Sure, we chase each other around in public bars in our undies; it’s what friends do, right?”
My heart skipped a beat. “Only the best of friends.”