by Lainey Davis
I grit my teeth, but return her handshake. “Tim.”
I try my best to hold an open mind while she chats with Alice about being present for her birth. Ok, so it’s obvious this woman has been around awhile. She catches me staring at her and says, “We get a lot of nervous dads here, Tim. What questions can I answer for you today?” I shake my head and stare away toward the wall. “Let me see if I can guess.” She puts the clipboard on the desk and stands, rummages through a filing cabinet and sits back down on the padded chair. “You’re thinking we’re a bunch of witches with cauldrons cackling over herbs and smoke. Am I getting close?”
I scoff at her. “Your words, not mine.”
She laughs. “You hate that this isn’t some sterile examining room and you’re thinking your baby would be better off under the care of a skilled surgeon. Am I there yet?” I shrug. She throws me a pamphlet. Midwifery 101: A Guide for Nervous Partners
“Is this a joke?”
She turns serious. “No, Mr. Stag. Prenatal care is serious work. For the record, I, and many of my colleagues, received advanced training from Yale and the University of Pennsylvania. I’ve caught over 4,000 babies, including your partner. I’m happy to discuss the advantages of midwifery care for healthy women with normal pregnancies. You clearly have reservations about our facility, and I’m offering you an opportunity to discuss them before we begin Alice’s examination.”
I’m taken aback by her tone, overwhelmed by all of this. I’m not sure what possesses me, but before I’ve made a conscious decision, I stand and storm out of the office. I stomp down the stairs toward the street, trying not to notice the photographs along the wall.
Until I see it.
Near the middle of the staircase, beaming in a black and white photograph, is my mother. She holds a tiny child, face contorted in its first wail. My mother. My mother was a patient here, too.
Twenty-Nine
ALICE
I try not to cry after Tim storms out of the midwife’s office. She pulls me into a hug and asks me to talk about how I’m feeling. She has such a warm personality and I love knowing that she’s hugged my mother with these same arms. That she knew me as an infant. I might not be able to ask my own mom any questions about pregnancy, but it helps knowing I can ask this woman who cared for my mom during that time. I tell her how this pregnancy was unplanned, that my relationship with Tim is still new and we are clearly on rocky ground.
“Unplanned does not mean unwanted, Alice. I want to make sure you know that.” Carol makes some notes in her file. She reviews some of the information with me about the do’s and don’ts of a healthy pregnancy and hands me a prescription for some bloodwork. We talk about my cycle and she estimates I’m about six weeks pregnant. We make a plan for my next few visits and then she gets ready to give me a tour of the center.
They’ve got a number of nature-themed birthing rooms with regular beds, rocking chairs, and whirlpool baths. Carol even shows me the nitrous oxide I can use if I feel like I need pain management. She takes my arm. “Would you like to see the room where you were born?”
Would I? “I’d love that!” I tell her, and she walks me to the staircase. I’m stunned to see Tim standing there, staring at the wall.
“Mr. Stag?” Carol says, her voice kind and calm. “May we help you with anything?”
He points to a picture of a woman and baby. She’s radiant, glowing, smiling down at her precious child. “This is my mother,” he says. “Laurel.”
Carol smiles and drapes an arm over his shoulder. “It appears your family shares Miss Peterson’s history with our practice,” she says. “Laurel Stag was one of our first patients here nearly 30 years ago. We were about to show Alice the Desert Room where she was born. Would you like to join us?”
“She’s beautiful, Tim,” I say to him. “Look how happy she was to be a mother.” I reach for his hand, and am glad he accepts mine in his. We walk around the birthing room, with its soft colors and peaceful decorations. Carol shows us how the dresser drawers contain medical equipment for various situations that are unlikely to come up.
“Most likely, your midwife will need little more than a pair of rubber gloves, if your birth goes anything like your mother’s or your sister’s!” Carol smiles warmly and says we can take all the time we need to explore before we head out. She heads off to greet her next client and leaves me with Tim and all of our baggage.
“Want to sit,” I ask him, gesturing toward the upholstered bench in one corner. I lean my head on his shoulder, still feeling the thrill and spark when our skin connects. I have feelings for him. I want to be with him. But I can’t let him call all the shots like he’s been trying to do.
“I messed up, Alice,” he says.
“I know,” is my reply. “Want to tell me what you’re thinking about?”
He takes a deep breath, and tells me about Sunday pancakes with his grandmother. “She’s been adding cinnamon lately, ever since she talked with you about it,” he says. And he talks about going running with his brothers, nearly keeping up with Ty even though he’s a professional athlete and Tim and Thatcher are just your average fitness fanatics.
“I like hearing about your family, Tim. I’d like to spend more time getting to know them.”
He nods. We sit together a while longer, and he asks--his voice apprehensive--”Did I ruin everything, Alice?”
“No, Tim! It’s all just...heavy. You know?” I lean in to softly kiss his cheek, relishing the smell of him close by. “Let’s just take things slowly, ok? We have 8 months before anything needs to change.”
He wraps his arms around me and I can feel him relax as I let him hold me. “What comes next?” His voice is soft, his fingers in my hair. He feels safe and warm and his vulnerability right now, the way he’s trusting me to see this soft side of him--I realize this is what I want more than anything else. Just to be open and raw and real with him and to hold each other.
“How about you take me out to buy some prenatal vitamins and we’ll go from there.”
Thirty
TIM
T he next few weeks are probably more stressful than prepping for the bar exam after only 2 years of law school. Every day, I have to drum up the courage to tell Alice what I’m afraid might happen and talk with her about how we both think we should respond to everything from breastfeeding to circumcision.
I never imagined I’d enjoy reading about the female reproductive system, but I’m finding all the pregnancy information to be fascinating. Alice and I look at those “pregnancy week by week” websites and she bases each week’s menu around whatever food they’ve said our baby is supposed to be that week. Of course she does. Once it got out at work that we are together, Alice has told anyone who will listen how excited she is to have a nursery here at Stag Law. Alice and Juniper have a plan to make this the most family-friendly workspace in Pittsburgh.
I do like that she's making plans, but I still feel strongly that financial planning is crucial. I’ve got Alice on board to start a college fund immediately and we’ve got life insurance policies in place for each of us, but she isn’t ready to get married yet and refuses to move into my penthouse with me. I feel like it’s reasonable to live five miles from her family, but she says if our child can’t walk over to visit Grandpa, we live too far away. And, she insists, my place is too barren. I’ve offered to paint and remodel, but she says we need to agree to disagree that the penthouse is an acceptable home.
At least I got her to agree that we should all live together. I can’t bear the thought of sleeping apart from her and it kills me to do so now. She’s so tired after work that I usually drive her to her family's house and she goes right to bed. The pamphlets say this is normal for the first trimester, that she’s working so hard growing a brain and organs for our child that she’s exhausted.
I don’t have to hold myself back from kissing her when I see her, but I have to say, after a month, I’m wild with desire for her. I can see her body changing subtly
and she looks sexier than ever to me. I want to tell every single person I see that this woman is growing my child inside of her. And then I want to ravage her.
I glance up at the clock. I’ve got about a half hour before we need to leave for Alice’s next midwife appointment. We’re going to try to hear the heartbeat today and I’m so eager for that sound, it feels like the seconds are scraping by. I take a last look at the papers on my desk, comb over everything one final time, and hand the stack to Donna to have them delivered. “Donna, I’ll be out the rest of the afternoon. Would you be able to overnight these? I trust you implicitly.”
“It took you long enough, Tim Stag,” she says, laughing.
“Truly, Donna, you’re excellent at your job. I’m thankful to have you by my side.” Donna blushes and I rap the side of her desk with my knuckles as I walk down the hall.
Alice’s face lights up when she sees me. She hangs her chef coat on a hook and I admire her as she heads toward me. This beautiful woman is mine. Sort of. She’s carrying my baby and I intend to keep working until she’s mine officially, legally, and all ways there are to belong to someone. “I made a decision about the Cavs account,” I tell her as we wait for the elevator.
“Tell me.”
“I declined to take the contract. I don’t want to do all that travel and Juniper declined it, too. There isn’t anyone else at Stag Law I’d want on that specific client and…” I shrug. “It just didn’t seem important to the big picture.
Alice stands on tiptoe to kiss me. Her mouth is soft and warm and I take a minute to just savor how she feels. “I’m glad, Tim.”
“If I would have known you’d kiss me like that I would have declined clients earlier.” Alice punches my shoulder playfully. I really like how things are between us right now.
The whole way to the Midwife Center we talk about how excited we are to hear the baby’s heartbeat, but the truth is I am anxious. I think once I hear that sound, I will feel more comfortable that everything is safe. For now. Alice rushes through Carol’s questions, eager to get to the finale. She tucks her shirt up and wriggles her pants down her hips just a little. I try to control my dick when I see the creamy white skin of Alice's still-flat stomach. When Carol asks if I want to direct the Doppler I’m terrified, but Alice smiles at me and I squirt the goo on the wand. I aim where Carol suggests, right below Alice’s naval. The room fills with a swirling static sound that pulses until…there it is. The steady, strong beat of my child’s heart. The ticking music brings me to tears and I drop the wand, overwhelmed by this proof of life in Alice's body.
Here is this tiny force, a piece of me and of Alice, outside my control yet depending on my protection. “Everything sounds perfect, Alice. Just perfect.” Carol helps Alice wipe off and sit up. “Baby’s heartbeat is strong!” She makes a note in Alice's chart and tells us to take our time leaving.
I crawl up on the table with her and pull her into my arms. “That was magical,” I say, kissing each of her knuckles, splaying my hand across her stomach. She nods. She looks so satisfied, so happy. I want to tell her what I've been thinking about this week, but I'm worried she will think I am being too controlling. I really am trying hard, but I have been taking charge for so long. I am not used to consulting someone. “Could I take you somewhere, Alice? I’d like to show you someplace I think you could be happy raising our baby.”
“Tim…”
“I haven’t signed anything or done anything. I just had this idea the other day and I’d really like to share it with you if you’d let me.”
She nods. I leap down from the table and scoop her into my arms. “I was hoping you’d say yes. I’ve done so much today I never thought I’d do and all of it just feels so right.”
“Put me down, you crazy fool.” Alice has laughter behind her voice and once again I’m giddy with anticipation of showing her my idea. I help her into the Volvo and head toward the neighborhood where we grew up. Her eyes question my actions as we drive closer until I finally park in front of my grandmother’s house. The house where I grew up. “Tim, what is this?” She asks.
Alice has only been here once or twice since we got together, but it occurred to me the other day that it’s a lot of house for one old lady to live in alone. “Hear me out.” We walk to the front door and I fish for my keys. “You know Ty finally moved out. I was standing in his empty room the other day and I got an idea.”
I guide her up the stairs into Ty’s room, which faces south. Two huge windows look out upon the neighborhood. Light streams into the room, with its built in bookshelves and beautiful floors original to the house. “I kept imagining a little boy playing cars there in the square of light from the window. Or a girl reading books on a carpet here.”
Her eyes are wide as she stares at me, but she doesn’t speak. Not yet.
I pull her down the hall to the next room. “This was my room as a kid.” My grandmother has been using it as a guest room, so there are twin beds and a dresser in here, but not much else. “There’s room here for a king sized bed and there is just space for a crib here in the turret. I know you want the baby to sleep in our room for a while because of breastfeeding.” I can’t get a read on Alice's face. Now it’s my turn to babble. “I mentioned to my grandmother that you wanted to raise the baby close enough to your family that he could walk over for a hug.”
I walk to the window and beckon Alice to follow. We lean forward. The leaves are just starting to show signs of changing. “Once the leaves fall, we have a clear view of the Peterson house,” I tell her. “But for now you just have to squint a bit and you can see it. Your dad could be waving at us from the window for all I know.”
“Tim.” Her voice is a whisper. My heart races with anticipation. I want her to want this, to want me. “This is perfect.” And then Alice is kissing me the way I’ve wanted to be kissing her for weeks. Her tongue parts my lips and I accept her gratefully, moaning as I taste her. She leans back against the window for support and I press my weight into her small body, loving the curves and warmth against my chest. “Is your grandmother home now?” I can feel Alice’s apprehension mixed with desire. I hope I’m not misreading her desire.
I shake my head. “She’s out playing cards this evening. She’ll be gone for hours.”
Alice is a woman transformed. She places two hands flat on my chest and shoves me across the room until I land on the small bed. I pull her down onto me and just enjoy making out with her, slowly and hungrily, until I feel like I might burst. “Alice, I’ve missed this so much,” I tell her, shifting our bodies so I’m on top of her, nestled between her legs.
“I love that you want us to live here, Tim,” she says. “I love you.” Her words cause my blood to race.
“I love you, too, baby,” I say, breathless with emotion. “I’ve loved you for so long now. I just didn’t know what to do with that before now.” She smiles and those violet eyes meet mine. Her hands reach for the tails of my shirt, pulling and fumbling. I quickly unbutton it and toss it across the room while Alice lifts her own shirt over her head. “Holy shit, Alice!” Her breasts are huge, heaving as she breathes in the fading light of sunset. “Can I…” she pulls my hand against her chest, and my fingers knead the soft flesh, thumb circling the hard, hard point of her nipple.
I dip my tongue against the other breast, sucking through the thin material of her bra. She arches her back against me and I reach behind her to pull off this barrier between our naked chests. “God, you feel so good,” she says, as her hands explore the skin of my back. I’ve missed the feel of her soft palms against me, her curious fingers that work such magic with food. As I suck each swollen teat, Alice groans and reaches for my waist. I lift my hips so she can slide down my trousers, kicking them off as they get past my knees.
“Your body has changed so much, Alice, already.” I pepper kisses all along her stomach, circling her naval, feeling the firm fullness of her lower belly. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” I ease myself down her body, taking he
r pants and panties with me until I’m kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed.
I reach for her ass and tug her toward the edge of the bed, draping each beautiful leg over my shoulders. “Oh, Tim! Please!” she moans as I reach between her legs, parting her soft curls and finding her slick with wanting.
I tease her folds with my fingers, one hand massaging her nipples, enjoying the look of pleasure on her face. She bucks her hips against my hand and begs. “Please, Tim. I need you.” I spread her pink center and dip my tongue against her, and she begins to moan like I’ve never heard her. I love that I brought this out in her, that I can take her to this place. Deep, animal groans escape her mouth as I lave her with my tongue. I don’t stop until she’s screaming, her pussy pulsing around my fingers, practically pulling me inside her body.
“I love to watch you come, Alice.” I hold my hand flat against her center until she stills. Easing out of my boxers, I crawl back onto the bed. She parts her legs for me, wraps them around my hips, and I slide inside her with one smooth thrust.
I have never felt more at home. She reaches for my head, pulling me against her mouth, the taste of her on both our tongues. Slowly, I move with her, sheathed fully inside her beautiful body. I adjust my weight so I’m supported on my forearms and Alice runs her hands along my pecs as she lifts her hips to meet mine. She grinds against my pelvis, circling to find the friction she needs to come again.
“I love you, Tim Stag,” she says, breathlessly, and then she erupts. She screams my name again and again until I can’t hold back anymore. I burst inside her, groaning, feeling our wet heat combining, and we both sink slowly into blissful silence.
“I love you, Alice.” I roll to my side, still joined with her, not ready to separate, and hold her close. “I’m never going to let you go."