by Judy Corry
"So, did you end up impressing everyone with your Gollum voice? I never knew you were good at different voices."
He seemed to grow uncomfortable under my stare. He looked to the side briefly before saying, "It's a weird talent. Not one I like to use very often. It's more embarrassing than anything, really."
"Does this mean you're not gonna show me your Gollum impersonation?"
"Yeah, probably not. I don't typically do that one in front of cute girls."
Cute girls? Did he just say I was cute? I didn't know how I felt about that. Sure, Luke was obviously good-looking himself. But I never really thought of him in that way. I'd never thought he'd think anything of my looks either. He was the football captain after all. He had all kinds of girls trying to date him. It was strange to think he might have noticed anything about me.
16
Luke
I didn't know what I had expected Ashlyn's reaction to be after I said she was cute. I guess I hadn't expected any kind of a reaction at all, since I hadn't planned to say that. It slipped out. I could have tried talking my way out of it, but I decided to let it sit. She was cute, and even though British Boy was initially trying to get Ashlyn to fall in love with him, I was the one who was actually having feelings. And that was unsettling. I hadn't liked a girl for a really long time, and I probably wouldn't even know what to do anymore.
"Wanna get out of here?" I asked when the silence had stretched on long enough to make me feel awkward.
She looked at me with question in her eyes. "Don't you want to stay? Aren't you, like, the life of the party?"
"Not anymore. That was the old Luke. New Luke doesn't really fit in with his friends now."
"And why is that?"
I didn't know if I wanted to get into it. But, maybe it would be good if I did.
"I guess the new Luke has changed a lot since his mom died. So it's harder to joke around and be the life of the party when no one seems to understand what I'm going through." I pinched my lips shut. Why did I say that? Way to be a downer, Luke. Now she's totally going to want to hang out with you.
"Your mom died?" she asked in a soft voice.
I had assumed she didn't know, from the way she'd acted with Mom’s photos at my house. But her response confirmed it.
"It happened this summer. She had cancer."
She swallowed. "I'm so sorry, Luke. If I'd known, I would've never done half the things I did to you. I feel like such a jerk."
"Nah, it's okay. I actually liked having the pranks for a distraction. They gave me something to do." I turned to her with a guilty expression. "Though it probably wasn't very nice of me."
"What kind of cancer did she have?"
"Breast cancer. This was the second time around and her body was just too weak to fight it off for much longer."
"That's terrible. I can't even imagine." Ashlyn leaned against my shoulder and looped her arm through mine. The gesture was so simple but meant more to me than she could ever know. Someone cared about me. She cared.
It took me a moment to speak, but when I could, I said, "Thanks. It's been a long couple of months."
"Will you tell me about her?"
I hadn't talked to anyone about my mom for a long time. I didn't know if I could. But I wanted to. I missed her so much, and maybe telling Ashlyn about her would help her stay alive in my heart a little better.
"She was awesome," I started carefully. "She worked part time at my dad's law office and did everything you'd expect a mom to do. When she was well, she came to all my football games. She was my biggest fan and sometimes even argued with the refs when they made a bad call. She loved to cook and sing and dance." I gave Ashlyn a sideways glance. "Which is another reason why I couldn't say no when Max asked me to do the dancing thing."
"She sounds wonderful."
"She was." I winced, hating that I was talking about her in the past tense.
"Is your dad home much?"
I shook my head. "No, he works a lot. I think that's his way of coping."
"Does that mean you spend most evenings alone then?"
"Yep. At least the ones when I don't have a game or dance practice." I gave her a half smile.
She frowned. "That's a lot of time alone. I'd go crazy."
Yep. That about summed it up, though I'd noticed that since I'd been messaging her as British Boy and spending more time with her, my crazy moments hadn't been surfacing as much. It was like Ashlyn was some secret ingredient to my sanity.
"Does your dad know how much time you spend alone?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know. He probably thinks I'm hanging out with my buddies, goofing around like I used to. I was always a lot closer to my mom than to him."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's okay most of the time." And when it wasn't, I went running. "Sorry, I was supposed to be cheering you up, not telling you my sob story."
Which was probably my cue that things would get awkward between us from now on. Instead of seeing me as this aloof prankster, I was now this sad lost puppy who was always on the verge of having a panic attack.
She studied me for a moment. "I can see what you're thinking," she said. "And no, I'm not going to treat you any differently, so don't think you get to tell me all this and have me feel permanently sad for you." Her lips lifted up into a smile, and I knew she was joking. Just the fact that she could joke with me right now made me feel immensely better. "In all seriousness though, Luke. If you ever want to talk about it, you can talk to me. I’m a pretty good listener, and I know what it's like to think you have no one to talk to. Maybe we can both do that for each other."
I nodded, and the anxiety that had built up in my chest dissipated. "I think I'd like that."
I probably liked that too much.
"Do you still want to get out of here?" I asked Ashlyn. It was dark now and there was a slight chill in the late September air.
"Yeah, let me just text Eliana and Jess so they aren't worried."
We got in the Jeep and ended up at Emrie's Frozen Treats, a new ice cream shop that I hadn't been to before.
As we were walking in, I realized how we probably looked to onlookers. We were a couple of high school students, wearing nice clothes, walking into an ice cream shop on a Saturday night. It was like we were on a date. Did I want it to look like we were on a date?
Probably.
Emrie's was decorated in the typical 50's style, complete with black-and-white checked tile flooring. The waitress seated us in the back corner booth that was fire-engine red. I immediately felt like I'd gone back in time. Instead of TVs everywhere, there were black-and-white photos on the walls and a sign that said, "No WiFi. Try talking to your date for a change."
"My mom would have loved this place," I whispered.
Ashlyn gave me an understanding smile, and I was once again so happy that I'd told her about my mom.
When the waitress came by again, I ordered a chocolate shake and Ashlyn ordered a vanilla.
"I never pegged you for the vanilla type," I told her after the waitress had left our table.
"I only pretend to be wild." She winked.
I laughed. That was definitely not true in my experience with her so far. Ashlyn was anything but plain old boring vanilla.
"So tell me more about yourself, Luke. We've been at Ridgewater High together for a couple of years, but other than our epic Food's class last year, I really don't know much about you."
She had no idea just how wrong she was. She knew practically everything about me.
"I'm not that interesting. Just a regular guy, going to school, playing football. Dancing in a competition." I laughed at that last part. Definitely not normal. At least not for me.
"What are your plans after this year? Are you going to college?"
"Yeah, I'm hoping to play football somewhere. Coach has scouts lined up to watch me play in a couple of weeks."
"If you could choose any school to go to, where would it be?" she asked.
"Cortland State is my top choice, too!" She smiled. "Jess and Eliana both want to go to Cornell, so I figure it's close enough that we could still hang out on the weekends."
"You and your brother seem to get along well for being so close in age."
The waitress brought our shakes to the table. Once she was gone again, Ashlyn spoke, "We get along most of the time. But we do have our moments. What about you and your brother? Are you close?"
"As close as we can be. He's in the Army right now so we mostly Skype and talk about football." The Skype calls had become much less frequent since Mom passed away. It was like she was the glue that had held our family together, and now that she was gone nothing seemed to fit anymore.
"Wow, I really admire anyone who can do that. Your family must be so proud of him."
I nodded. "Yeah. He's the selfless service man. I'm the blockheaded football player."
She frowned. "Why do you say it like that? You're in high school. You're doing what you're supposed to. Plus, you're really good at football…not that I’ve watched you that closely on the field," she hurried to add. Was she actually blushing? I'd never believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
"I understand if you couldn't keep your eyes off me two weeks ago. I was looking really hot out there."
She snorted. "I'm pretty sure most people would describe it as icy-hot."
"You know that's an old joke now, right?"
"Whatever. I still have guys texting me over those boyfriend-wanted posters you put everywhere, so I might as well say as much as I can about that. I still don't think we're quite even."
"You've obviously never had Icy Hot put on a jockstrap before."
Her eyes twinkled. "Can't say that I have. And I don't think I'll be trying it out anytime soon."
"So you say you still have guys messaging you, thanks to my awesome posters. Anyone you're interested in?"
Was it obvious that I hoped her answer was no?
Her face flushed again. She looked down at the table. "There's this one guy. But I can't really give you credit for matching us up even if we did meet that day."
Uh, oh. She was about to tell me about British Boy. This was dangerous.
Just play it cool, Luke. "Who is it? Is he going to be mad that we're together?" My knee bounced under the table as I waited for her answer.
"No. At least I don't think so." She blinked her eyes shut briefly before looking back at me with an embarrassed expression. "I actually don't know who he is."
I tried to act surprised, but I was totally freaking out inside. Alert. Alert. Do not proceed with this conversation, my sense of self-preservation told me. But my curiosity didn't care about self-preservation. If she was going to talk about British Boy, I wanted to hear about him.
"Are you, like, online friends?"
"Something like that. We actually, um, met in the dark Chem lab on the first day of school. I was having a really bad day."
"No thanks to me." Why had I ever thought those "boyfriend wanted" posters would be a great way to start off the school year?
"Not just you. Noah, too. Anyway, he was really nice, and we sort of bonded in the dark. Now we just message each other, but I don't know…he's amazing." She sighed. "I've never met anyone like him before."
Her words warmed my insides, but they also worried me. If she was this smitten by my invisible persona, how would she ever see past him to the real me? After getting to know her better, I wanted her to want the real me. Not a guy with an accent. I could obviously just come out and tell her that I was British Boy. But I doubted our new friendship was strong enough to survive the possible betrayal she'd feel. She might say she's totally vanilla, but I could tell that she was full of fire, and I didn't want to risk getting burned.
So I just smiled and nodded. "He sounds great." Then I took a sip of my shake before I could say anything that would mess everything up. I needed time to think and figure out a plan. I'd gotten myself into this mess and it would take time and a lot of luck to get myself out of it.
17
Ashlyn
The next morning, I woke up and remembered that I'd never responded back to British Boy last night. Hopefully he wasn't worried about me—I had ended our conversation with talk of me wanting to be swallowed up into the earth. Thanks to Luke, I no longer felt like that.
I pulled out my phone and sent him a quick message.
MysteryGirl: Sorry I didn't get back with you last night. Something came up.
More like someone. But I didn't want British Boy to be worried about nothing. Luke and I were just friends…right? But it was getting more and more confusing the more time we spent together. He was turning out to be a lot different than I'd thought, and if I didn't already like British Boy I might have found myself texting him instead of British Boy this morning.
BritishBoy: Did you stay at your party?
MysteryGirl: No.
I hesitated to tell him about what actually happened. I didn't want to make him jealous. But it wasn't like British Boy and I were dating. I still didn't know what he looked like. In fact, maybe telling him that I was hanging out with another guy would actually help our relationship move forward. People always liked the chase, so maybe if I suddenly wasn't as available to British Boy, he might want to meet again. And I needed to meet him. I needed to figure out if there was anything between us besides a bunch of conversations.
So I messaged him back.
MysteryGirl: Remember the guy I was working on that school project with? He came to my rescue and we hung out. He's pretty cool.
BritishBoy: Sounds like a nice guy.
I wished I could tell what those words really meant. Were they supposed to be encouraging, or was there a slightly jealous tone to them?
MysteryGirl: He is really nice. Pretty cute, too.
I giggled to myself. Hopefully, British Boy would react the way I was hoping.
BritishBoy: Cute, huh? Do you like him?
I could interpret that as jealousy, right? But then again, maybe not. I wished I could hear his tone when he said that. Was this even going the way I wanted? Should I make it sound like Luke and I were more than friends?
My shoulders dropped as I blew out a frustrated breath.
Maybe this was a dumb idea.
MysteryGirl: We're just friends.
BritishBoy: But do you want to be more than friends with him?
Was this his way of testing me somehow? What was the answer that would make British Boy want to meet me again?
MysteryGirl: I don't know.
Did British Boy want me to be more than friends with Luke? Was he trying to tell me to go after him so that he didn't have to worry about me liking him anymore? Had I scared him when I told him I liked him, and now he was desperate to push me onto someone else? I really had said that super quickly. We did just barely meet a few weeks ago. He probably thought I was crazy!
I read over the messages again, but I still couldn't figure him out. So much got lost in translation between our phones. This would be so much easier if we were having this conversation face to face. Then I could gauge his facial reaction or listen to the tone of his voice.
Maybe I should just change the subject.
MysteryGirl: What did you do last night?
It took a moment for him to respond.
BritishBoy: Hung out with a good friend.
Good friend? What did that mean? Was his good friend a girl, or was his good friend a guy? I wanted to ask him but knew that it would just make me sound jealous. So I tried to go for the cool approach.
MysteryGirl: That's fun. It's always great to hang out with friends.
BritishBoy: It is. She's great.
She?
She!
MysteryGirl: Your friend is a girl?
Breathe. Don't panic.
I wiped my h
ands on my pants as I waited for his response.
He'd just said good friend. Not girlfriend. There was a big difference between the two. No need to get worried.
After a few agonizing moments, my phone beeped.
BritishBoy: Yeah.
I threw my phone on my bed.
This wasn't fair. British Boy shouldn't be able to meet other girls and make friends with them. He was supposed to only want to spend time messaging me.
But that was exactly what was wrong with our friendship. We had a barrier between us, keeping us from becoming more than just pen pals.
I needed to figure out a way to fix that. Soon.
I picked up my phone and shoved it in my pocket, deciding not to message him back right now.
To get my mind off British Boy and his possible future girlfriend, I decided to be productive and spend the rest of the day choreographing the dance Luke and I would do together, using my little sister as a stand-in for Luke. I picked the song A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. I'd already taught Luke the basic waltz step, so hopefully he'd catch on to the choreography quickly enough. A month wasn't a lot of time to learn a dance, especially since we were both really busy with school and our extracurricular activities. But I picked the slow song with hopes that it would be simple enough, while still looking elegant.
I tried to relax that evening, but I couldn't stop thinking about who British Boy's good friend might be. What if she was really cute? What if their friendship turned into something more? I knew from my own brother's friendship with Eliana that it was extremely possible for British Boy's friend to want more from their relationship…especially since he was so amazing. I hadn't even seen him and had already fallen fast and hard.
But sitting around and worrying wouldn't do me any good, so I decided to give my brain a break and watch a movie instead. I texted Eliana to see if she wanted to join me.
Eliana: My grades are gonna die if I don't do my homework tonight. Watch one of those BBC movies you love just for me?
Me: Ok, I'll totally daydream that Persuasion is really about British Boy and me. I think someone wrote a letter in that movie. It's kind of the same.