by Dima Zales
"To learn the cause of his death?"
"Yes," I said, but it wasn't the whole reason. I hoped locating his body would mean Jacob could finally cross over to the Otherworld.
The thought opened up a hollow pit in my stomach. Jacob crossing over would mean he'd be out of my life.
Forever.
11
For the second time that day, Celia had me change out of my soggy clothes and dry myself in front of a roaring fire. This time she insisted I remain in my room, dressed in my nightgown and a shawl, a hot cup of tea in my hands as I sat up in bed.
"I am not an invalid," I said as she placed another pillow behind my back.
"You could be if you don't warm up."
"I am warm. And dry. I took an umbrella with me."
"And yet you still managed to get wet."
"Only my bottom half. My hair is dry."
She frowned at my hair, splayed over my shoulders like a black, wavy waterfall. "A small miracle."
I sighed. "Celia, the deed is done, there is no need to remain cross with me."
"There is every reason to remain cross! If I do not then you'll not understand the seriousness of your actions."
"My actions? I got a little wet, that's all! Good Lord, Sis, you'd think I'd committed a crime the way you're treating me."
"You are a stubborn, obstinate girl."
"Stubborn and obstinate mean the same thing. Perhaps you'd like to say out-spoken instead," I said, recalling my earlier conversation with Adelaide. "Oh, and a little vain too." I sipped my tea and watched her over the rim of the cup.
Her face grew redder and redder until I was afraid it might explode. "This is no laughing matter, Emily."
"I'm not laughing."
"You could have been killed."
I snorted. "That is overly dramatic even for you, Celia."
Her lips locked together and tiny white lines ringed her mouth. I'd never seen her so angry. I wouldn't have been surprised to see steam billowing from her nose and ears. "This is all that ghost's fault!"
I choked on my tea. "Jacob?" I spluttered. "Why?"
"His influence over you is obvious."
"His influence?" I shook my head. "No, I truly don’t understand you."
"He can walk about and not care if he gets wet. You cannot." Her gaze wandered around the room and she leaned closer to me. "He should not be encouraging you to go out in the rain," she added, voice low.
"He is not encouraging me to do anything! I happen to have thoughts of my own, Celia. I am not a puppet with Jacob holding the strings." Of all people, my sister should know I was not easily influenced by anyone. Which was why I was not going to concede the point she was making, even if she was right and I could have caught a chill. There was a different point at stake—she could not order me about. I was seventeen! Other seventeen year-old girls were married, or caring for elderly parents or going to the market on their own. I usually enjoyed the same level of freedom, so why was she getting so upset now?
"Well." Celia strode to the door but didn’t open it. She turned back to me and the anger was gone, however the coolness remained. "That is not how it seems. Before he came you and I did everything together, went everywhere together."
Was that the real problem? My sister thought I'd abandoned her? "I didn't think you minded," I said. "Indeed, you seemed quite happy for me to go with Jacob to George Culvert's. I thought you were happy I was meeting new people."
"I was. I am." She shivered and rubbed a hand down her arm. "But I did not expect you to jeopardize your health in the process. It's not like you to be so cavalier about … " She looked down at the door handle and her hand resting upon it.
"Catching a chill?" I offered when she said nothing more.
"About death." She glanced at me and a stab of sympathy pierced my heart. My sister blinked away tears but the fear in her eyes remained. "That is the influence I'm talking about."
I climbed out of bed and went to her. "Celia, I am not dying."
"Continue to walk around in the rain on a cool day and you might."
I hugged her. She was as stiff as a plank of wood. "Oh Celia, don't fret. It won't happen again, I promise."
She relaxed a little in my arms then kissed the top of my head. "Good." She opened the door. "Nevertheless, you will dine up here tonight then go to bed early. I'll see you in the morning."
I sighed and watched her go then returned to bed. I read a book until the light faded and Lucy brought up my dinner and lit the lamps. She stoked the fire and added more coal until I asked her to stop. The room was warm enough. She bobbed a curtsy and left.
A moment later, Jacob appeared. "It's not an awkward time, is it?" he asked.
"If it is then it would be too late for you to leave and allow me to retain my modesty."
He chuckled but did not apologize for popping in uninvited. I went to put my tray aside but he stopped me and sat on the bed. "Eat." When I hesitated he picked up the fork and stabbed a slice of beef. He put it to my lips and my stomach growled. I was starving. He gave me a crooked smile as I opened my mouth and bit off the meat. "That's better." He fed me another piece and another. At first he found it amusing but then he grew more serious with each bite.
He watched my mouth as I chewed and my throat as I swallowed as if he'd never seen someone eating before. If it had been anyone else staring at me with such curious intensity I would have felt self-conscious, but not with Jacob. He had a way of making me feel special, not strange.
He reached out to my throat but pulled back without touching me. "May I?" he asked. I nodded. His fingertips lightly grazed down my throat and, as I swallowed, he gently pressed his palm against my skin. Tingles raced across my body as he caressed my throat with his thumb, his hooded eyes riveted to the spot.
"So beautiful," he whispered.
His words startled me. He'd said I was beautiful to Aunt Catherine but part of me assumed that was in defiance and he hadn't really meant it. But here he was using that word to describe me again, and this time he wasn't trying to convince anyone.
I swallowed once more because a lump seemed to have formed in my throat. The movement made him smile, but he pulled away nevertheless. "I'm sorry. That must have been disconcerting."
"Not at all."
"I like to watch you eat."
I'm sure there was a witty response to that if only I thought about it, but my mind wasn't working properly. It seemed to be filled with a fuzziness that made thinking slow. "I like it when you watch me," I said in a voice that sounded breathy and nothing like my own.
"You shouldn't," he said then added, "You shouldn't like me at all." He stood and removed himself to my dressing table stool where he stretched out his long legs, crossed his ankles and crossed his arms over his chest. He regarded me as if I'd been a threat and he was safer because he was further away from me.
I was too confused by his behavior to think clearly. "I'll like who I want to like," I said lamely. "Now stop sounding like my sister and, and … " I waved my hand. There really was nothing in my head worth saying.
He raised an eyebrow. "Your sister?" He grunted. "I see she thinks as I do. That would explain why you're in bed so early."
What in the world was he talking about? "Stop speaking in riddles. You and she are not alike at all, in thoughts or otherwise. You would not have confined me to my room after I got a little wet."
That brow forked again. "Wouldn't I? And what do you mean, 'got a little wet'? I told you to take an umbrella with you."
"I did. But it had to cover both myself and your sister at one point so—."
"Adelaide!" In a lightning quick move, he was at my side again. He must have done his vanishing and reappearing trick in order to be that fast. "You spoke to her? Alone?"
"Yes. She followed me out to the street after I left your parents' house."
"How is she?"
"In good health but concerned for them."
He sat down on the bed and took my hand in his al
though he seemed unaware he'd done so. "And how were they?"
I drew in a deep breath. "Exactly as you said they would be. Your mother doesn't believe you're dead, even after I told her about the song."
He squeezed my hand and gave me a sympathetic smile. "Were they very awful?"
"They were upset, Jacob. That was the awful part."
He lowered his gaze to our linked hands. "Yes, of course. But even when I was alive my father could be…domineering."
"You didn't get along, did you?"
He looked up, startled. "Not really. You learned that from a brief meeting?"
I laughed. "No, Adelaide told me."
He chuckled. "Yes, of course. My sister likes to gossip so I'm not surprised. She never did know when to hold her tongue." He said it without a hint of irritation and I got the feeling he would give anything to hear his sister talk just one more time.
"She wants to meet with you," I said.
"When?"
"When she can get away. It's not easy for her."
He nodded. "What else did she have to say? Tell me everything."
I rubbed his knuckles with my thumb. "We got to talking about your death and how it might have occurred."
His hand shifted in mine but I held it tighter, not letting him go. "I've told you not to concern yourself with my death," he said. "It happened and that fact cannot be altered."
"And I've told you we must learn more. It might be the key to why you can't cross."
He tore his hand from mine and stood up. "What makes you think I want to cross over?"
I stared at him but he was pacing back and forth, not looking at me. "But you must—."
"Why must I?" He stopped pacing and I recoiled at the anger in his eyes. Anger directed at me. "Why do you want me to go?"
My stomach knotted at the thread of pain through his voice. I climbed out of the covers and kneeled up on the bed but did not reach for him like I wanted to. "You think I want you to leave?" I shook my head over and over and fought against the tears threatening to spill. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Jacob. You tell me I'm beautiful, you look at me as if I'm more precious than the stars in the sky, and your very touch leaves me aching for more. I've known you two and a half days and yet it feels like forever. How can you think I want you to leave?"
His breathing came heavy and fast. The muscles in his jaw pulsed rapidly and it took him a long time to speak. "I didn't know," he murmured. "You talk about me crossing over … I didn't know the extent of your feelings." He stepped closer, closer, until there was nothing between us but an inch of air.
I reached up and placed both my hands on either side of his face. "I only want what's best for you," I whispered. "What's right."
"This is right. You are right for me. Emily." He lowered his head and his lips brushed my forehead, the touch as gentle as feathers. "I don't want to cross. I don't want to leave you."
He didn't say "however" but I heard it nevertheless. My heart opened up and began to bleed, or so it seemed. It hurt so much. "Go on," I said, even though I didn't want to know any more. Didn't want to hear the awful words, the ones where he said he had to go because staying was too hard. Watching me grow old when he stayed the same was unnatural.
But instead of speaking, he lowered his lips to mine. His kiss was as light as air as he tasted and teased again and again until finally I could stand it no more and I pressed my hands to the back of his head and pulled him closer, locking him against me. A deep growl rumbled low in his chest and he put his arms around me and held me tight. I melted into him, conscious of nothing but the strength in his body, the tenderness of his mouth on mine, and the desire consuming me.
I don't know how long we explored each other but we became utterly lost as we did so. Eventually, too soon, we parted.
Jacob rested his forehead against mine. "Why is it that something that's so wrong feels so good?" he asked.
"Is it wrong?"
He kissed the end of my nose. "A ghost and a girl as full of life as you?" He nodded sadly. "Very wrong."
I'd not thought my heart could hurt any more than it already did, but it felt like someone was trying to pull it out of my body through the eye of a needle. "Are you going to tell me we must stop this?" It was too hard to keep the hurt from my voice so I didn't try. "Stop feeling what we feel?"
"Can you?"
"No more than I could tear my own arm off."
He smiled sadly. "Me too."
"Then what?"
He let go of my hands and I almost toppled off the bed as I'd been using him for support. He went to the fireplace and watched me from there, as if it were safer with more space between us. I wasn't so sure about that.
"I cannot watch you live half a life, Emily."
I shook my head. "What do you mean?"
"Either you will find another man in time—."
"I won't. There's no one else for me." Stupid, stupid ghost. How could he think that?
"Or you will spend your remaining years waiting to join me. That is not the sort of life you deserve."
I sat back on my haunches. "But if you are here with me, the waiting won't be so terrible." Except that I would grow old and he would not. Of course it would be easier for me, looking at the handsome young man everyday, but for him to see the woman he'd stayed for turn into an old hag … I couldn't imagine how distressing that would be.
"And how long can you wait?" he asked, challenging now. "How many years? You would not have children, not have a family of your own—."
"I would have you."
"Is that enough?" He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
I went to him and drew his hands away. "Yes. It is." I traced the contours of his cheeks with my fingertip, down to his lips. They were still full and soft from when he'd kissed me.
"I cannot allow you to do it," he said, taking my wrists and gently drawing my hands away. "I cannot allow you to give up on living for me."
"I'm not asking you to allow it."
"You are. And what if … " He turned his face to the side and shook his head.
"What?"
He closed his eyes and the dark lashes cast long shadows on his high cheekbones. "What if I grow weary of watching you wait?"
What did he mean? That he would grow tired of me in years to come? I could never grow tired of him. Never.
And yet he was not the one who'd turn gray-haired or wrinkly, his body would not sag and his eyesight or hearing fail him. That would be my fate alone. Of course he wouldn't want to remain here and watch me age. I really couldn't blame him for it either.
And yet it hurt knowing his love for me wasn't strong enough to survive the ravages of time.
I let go of his hands and as if that was a signal, he opened his eyes and faced me.
"I'm not strong enough, Emily."
"Not strong enough?" Didn't he mean not in love with me enough to watch me age?
"It doesn't matter," he said and rubbed both hands through his hair. "I don't want to discuss it. All that matters is that you were right before. I must cross over."
"No," I said weakly. "I was wrong. I don't want—."
"Please, don't do this to me! I cannot stay. It'll be … torture."
Hot tears poured down my face. I couldn't stop them any more than I could stop loving him. I began sobbing, the sort where you can't breathe or barely make a noise but when you do your entire body shudders with the effort.
He put his arms around my waist and drew me to him as gently as if I was made of glass. He kissed my tears and caressed my hair. At some point he pulled my head against his chest. I listened for the heartbeat that wasn't there and held him. He rocked me and I stopped crying but the pain inside was so immense I didn't think I would ever feel normal again.
"Please," he said after a long time. He didn't need to say anything else. I knew it was a continuation of the same plea without having to hear the words.
"If it's what you want," I said through
my raw throat.
He touched my chin and tilted my face up. His face, while still handsome, was distorted as if he were in pain. "It's not what I want. But it's what has to be. Do you understand the difference?"
I nodded. I understood. He could not stand to see me grow old. Could not look upon an ugly, toothless crone.
"Good." He kissed the top of my head again then held me at arm's length. So that was how it would be from now on—at arm's length.
I returned to the bed where I wanted to curl up and go to sleep then wake up from this nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. It was real and Jacob was in earnest now. I sat on the bed and rested my chin on my drawn up knees. I couldn't bear to look at him.
"After we've sent the demon back to the Otherworld," he said, "we'll search for my body. And my killer."
Body. Killer. Oh God, it was all so awful, so hopeless, so horrible.
At that moment I realized with startling clarity that I would do what was best for Jacob, and it was the best thing for him to cross over. It's what spirits are supposed to do. No matter how much I wanted to keep Jacob with me, I could not let the injustice done to him go unpunished. Whoever had taken his life should not be allowed to get away with it. Right then I set my mind on catching his killer. The man I loved deserved nothing less.
"Your sister told me something that might help us," I said.
His fists curled into balls at his sides and those blue eyes, duller than usual, stared unblinking at me for an inordinately long time. I could see he wasn't entirely convinced he wanted to follow through on his new resolution to cross over. We both knew that this was just the first step on what could be a long road, but it was still the first step to an end neither of us really wanted.
"You'd better tell me what it is," he finally said.
"Do you remember a boy called Frederick?"
I could have sworn he paled, something that wasn't possible considering he was dead. "Yes." He recounted the same story that Adelaide had told me about Frederick coming to their Belgravia home and accusing her and the butler of lying about Jacob's whereabouts. "It upset her greatly at the time but I'd thought she would have forgotten about it by now."