by Janet Gover
‘Justin, there’s something I have to tell you,’ she said, slipping into a chair across the table from where he had been sitting.
He didn’t say anything. He simply put the coffee in front of her, sat back down and looked at her with his lovely green eyes, waiting with the same patience he would show a frightened foal.
‘I …’ Carrie took a deep breath. This was hard. Harder even than she had imagined. But she had to be honest with Justin. She knew she would regret it if she wasn’t. ‘I shouldn’t be here.’
‘Of course you should.’
‘No. No. I shouldn’t.’ She turned her eyes down to the scrubbed wood of the table. A single grain of sugar, missed from someone’s coffee, lay near her finger. She focussed on that, pushing it along the grain of the wood, as the words she hated slowly welled up from her soul. ‘I have been lying to you, Justin. I can’t help you with the brumbies. Because … I can’t ride anymore.’
Once the words were out, it was as if a dam had broken. Still staring at her hands, the words flowed from her to lie exposed in the air between her and Justin. ‘I have lost my nerve. After the accident last year at the Birdsville Races, I was hurt and it took a long time to recover. Doctor Adam says I am fine, but I can’t … I just can’t ride. I did try once. I went back to the racing stables. They were so glad to have me back, but as soon as one of the horses came near me, I burst into tears. I felt such a fool and I never went back. I know I am a coward, but there is nothing I can do about it. You’ll need to find someone else to help you muster the brumbies. I lied to you and I am so very sorry.’
Only then did she look up, expecting to see disgust and anger on his face. She deserved it. But he was smiling at her gently. He reached out to touch her hand, stilling the fingers that were pushing the sugar grain back and forth. In a voice as soft as the first rain of a spring morning, he said, ‘I know.’
Justin watched her face change. An expression of disbelief which was quickly replaced by something else. Confusion. He wanted to keep holding her hand, but he let go. Right now, he had to be what Carrie needed him to be. She needed more than just a friend to hold her hand. She needed someone who understood about horses. About loving them and about being afraid.
‘You know?’ Her voice revealed her shock.
He nodded. He had lain awake during the night, thinking about Carrie asleep in the next room, and wondering what to do. At some point, her fears would be revealed. The day of the brumby muster, if not before. In that moment should he tell her that he already knew? Would that destroy the friendship growing between them? In the early hours of the morning, he’d decided that he wouldn’t lie to her. He valued her as a person, as a friend and just maybe as something more than a friend. He wouldn’t betray her secret. He wouldn’t even tell Quinn or Dan. But whenever she chose to confide in him, he would be honest with her and say that he knew. He didn’t want there to be any lies or even half-truths between them. He just hadn’t expected it to be this soon.
‘I saw you the day before yesterday. When you tried to lunge Beckett.’
‘Oh.’ It was so soft he could only just hear the break in her voice.
‘It’s okay, Carrie.’
‘No. It’s not. I’ve lost my nerve. I can’t ride any more. I’ve lost everything that was important to me. I have lost myself.’
The last words were an anguished cry, and Justin wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her until all the pain washed away.
‘You haven’t lost anything, Carrie,’ he said. ‘It’s all still there inside you. All of it. It will come back. When you need it, you’ll find it.’
She looked up at him, so lost it broke his heart. ‘Do you really think so?’
‘I know so,’ he said, filling his voice with confidence.
She took a deep breath and brushed away the traces of the tears in her eyes. ‘You’re right,’ she said, nodding with some signs of confidence.
Her voice betrayed her. The confidence was forced. That didn’t matter one iota to Justin. Even pretending confidence took courage. Maybe that was a small step, but it was in the right direction. An idea began to form in the back of his mind. The more he thought about it, the better it looked. It would help them with the brumbies, but more importantly, it would help Carrie.
‘So,’ he said in a firm voice, ‘we had best get started. We’ve a busy day ahead.’
‘I’ll muck out while you ride,’ Carrie said.
‘All right.’ He wasn’t going to push her too hard. But at the same time … ‘We need to load one of the spare aluminium bathtubs into the ute today. To use as a water trough at the park.’
‘Today? But we haven’t even finished building the yard yet.’
‘We will have to finish today because we’re taking a couple of my horses to the park today too.’
‘So soon?’
‘Not soon enough really. If this crazy plan is going to succeed, and it has to, Dan Mitchell needs to learn how to ride a horse. And you are going to teach him.’
Chapter Nineteen
‘I guess I’m as ready as I am ever going to be,’ said Dan.
I wish I was, Carrie thought to herself as she pushed her clenched hands deeper into the pockets of her jeans and carefully composed a smile on her face. ‘Well, let’s get started.’
‘Just tell me again why I’m doing this?’
‘Because we need another rider,’ Carrie said carefully.
Dan looked at her thoughtfully and she saw his eyes narrow. Did he suspect something? Not that it mattered. They would all know soon enough. Now that Justin knew, it didn’t seem that important to keep the secret from the others. Justin was the horseman. If he understood, the others would probably simply accept it.
The stockyard was as good as finished. Both front and rear fences were in place, the timber posts and rails making a solid barrier that would stop even the racing brumby herd. There were a few places on the side walls that still needed some work, but that wouldn’t take long. Right now, Justin was stringing wire on a secondary fence line; a smaller, less imposing yard was needed to house the saddle horses that he’d brought to the site that morning.
There were two geldings; Justin’s big bay and a slightly smaller, lighter chestnut with a big white blaze lying slightly askew across his nose. Both horses carried some of the same bloodline as the stallion they were here to catch. The chestnut was a slightly older horse, and Justin had assured her that he was perfect for a novice rider. He hadn’t said a nervous rider – but Carrie knew that was what he’d meant. He might have suggested she teach Dan to ride, but she could tell he still hoped she’d be riding with him when they went to muster the brumbies.
She wished the same thing, but she was a long way from being ready to ride. It was as much as she could do to teach Dan what he needed to know. But teach him she would. It was the least she could do.
‘Okay, Dan,’ she said, forcing confidence into her voice. ‘You’re going to be riding the chestnut. So, why don’t you go and get him.’ She tossed a bridle towards Dan, who caught it easily in one hand. He held it up and a frown creased his forehead as lengths of leather fell in a tangled mess from his fist, the heavy metal bit dangling at the end.
‘I’ve got no idea how to put this on a horse.’
‘Luckily for you, the horse does,’ Carrie countered. ‘It’s no good me doing it, I already know how. You’re the one who has to learn.’
Carrie heard a chuckle as Quinn eased into a spot next to her on the rails. Her camera was in her hands and Carrie guessed that Quinn was going to enjoy this far more than either she or Dan would.
‘All right,’ Carrie said feigning reluctance. ‘Give it here.’
She took the bridle and quickly sorted out the tangled leather.
‘This piece you slide up and over his ears,’ she said, holding the bridle up. ‘The metal bit goes in his mouth.’
‘And how the hell do I get a horse to open its mouth?’ Dan asked. ‘Say open sesame?�
�
This evoked another chuckle from Quinn.
‘He’ll just do it,’ Carrie assured Dan. ‘Try not to whack the bit against his teeth. He won’t like you for that. He’s bigger and stronger than you are. You want him to like you.’
‘Yes, ma’am.’ Dan reset his hat squarely on his head and opened the wide metal gate.
No sooner had he stepped through the gate and latched it behind him, than both horses turned to look at him. Both took a step forward and halted, waiting for him.
‘See what I mean,’ Carrie said. ‘They know how this is supposed to work.’
‘I’m glad one of us does,’ Dan muttered as he approached the animals.
‘Just talk to them,’ Carrie suggested. ‘You could loop the reins around his neck to hold him while you get the bridle on, but I doubt he’ll need it. Fraser horses are well-trained.’
She was right. Despite Dan’s small fumbles, it wasn’t long before the chestnut was wearing the bridle, and tied to a rail.
‘You need to take Justin’s horse out of the yard,’ Carrie told him as she handed him another bridle. ‘You don’t want him in the way during your lesson. And the practice will be good for you.’
With both horses caught and tied up, Dan was ready for the next step.
‘You need to learn how to saddle him too,’ Carrie said.
‘But you could do it for me.’
‘I could, but if your saddle comes loose when you are out there somewhere, you need to know how to fix it,’ Carrie pointed out. She meant it too. It wasn’t just a way for her to avoid getting too close to the horses.
Dan looked up at her. His blue eyes held hers for a long minute. It seemed as if he could see straight through her bravado to the damaged soul underneath. He nodded almost imperceptibly, and something changed. Carrie knew he had once been in the military. Now, for the first time, she began to understand what that meant. Once he had decided to do this thing, he went about it calmly and with an enviable efficiency.
Following her instructions, he calmly and effortlessly swung the saddle onto the horse’s back. With very little hesitation, he had the girth pulled tight and the animal ready to ride. When he swung into the saddle, Carrie caught her breath. It was hard to believe this was the first time he’d ever ridden a horse. He settled quickly into the right place on the saddle, his body held taut, but not stiff. He was totally under control of every part of his body. The hands on the reins were steady. His legs firm around the horse’s ribs. There wasn’t the smallest trace of uncertainty or fear on his face.
‘Hands and legs,’ she told him. ‘You have to keep them steady and controlled. That’s how you talk to the horse. You can use your voice too, but hands and legs are the most important. No sudden movements. Don’t jar his mouth. Keep your back firm but not stiff and let your body feel the movement of the horse.’
Dan and the chestnut were moving around the yard now. Following Carrie’s instructions, Dan turned the horse this way and that and then urged it into a slow trot. A few laps of the large yard and Carrie called for a canter.
Beside her, Quinn had the camera glued to her eye.
‘I know nothing about all this,’ Quinn said without lowering the camera. ‘But it seems to me he is doing well.’
Well? That wasn’t the half of it. Carrie had never seen anyone take to riding so easily. It was, in part, his fitness and the great control he had over his muscular body. It was in part a natural sense of balance and rhythm. Confidence and intelligence had a lot to do with it too. But there was something else as well – the willingness to understand and work with another living creature on its own terms.
Carrie fought down a wave of jealousy and self-pity. He made it look so easy, this thing that she had once loved. This thing that had brought her so much joy and was now lost to her. Possibly forever.
‘He’ll do,’ she said to Quinn.
At that moment their attention was diverted by the sound of an engine. Carrie glanced back towards the campsite to see Ellen and Jack emerge from the car he’d just parked under a shady tree. Ellen was moving a little slowly because of her pregnancy. Not so her kids, who took one look at the horses and raced towards the yard, excited yells preceding them.
Carrie felt her heart clench for a moment and looked back to where Dan and the chestnut gelding were circling at a slow canter. The horse’s ears flickered and he tossed his head to get a better look at whatever was approaching with such noise. As if responding to an instinct, Dan closed his legs around the horse’s side and forced it forward a few more strides until its attention was back where it should be. On him. Only then did Dan bring the animal to a halt and turn it so it could see the cluster of people by the stockyard gate.
Carrie put up a hand to try to calm the children. ‘Whoa there,’ she said as they slid to a stop. ‘The first thing you have to learn about horses is that you don’t run and yell around them. Got it?’
Two blonde heads nodded earnestly, identical blue eyes wide and serious.
‘Good.’
‘Sorry about that,’ Ellen said as she caught up to her children. ‘How are you, Carrie?’
‘Fine thanks.’
‘Trish wanted us to bring some more food out,’ Jack said as he approached laden with a box.
‘And I think she wanted a report too,’ Ellen added with a grin. ‘She hates it when she doesn’t know if her plans are working out.’ Ellen raised her eyebrows and cast a sideways glance at Justin as he approached, fencing pliers in hand.
‘Can we ride the horse? Please?’ Harry asked not to be deterred.
Carrie’s heart clenched at the childish plea. Even these two had more courage than she did. She was trying to find a way to say no when a voice spoke close beside her.
‘Of course you can. If your mum says it’s all right.’ Justin dropped his fencing tools in the dirt beside the gate.
‘Mum. Pleeease!’
The little boy’s heartfelt request was very hard to resist. Ellen hesitated, and then looked at Justin. ‘If you are sure it’s—’
‘Carrie and I will take good care of them,’ Justin said.
Ellen hesitated then nodded. ‘Well, Harry, I guess if Justin says it’s all right.’
Carrie glanced at Justin. The eagerness and hope in his eyes put that on the faces of the children to shame. Carrie took a deep breath. If the kids weren’t afraid, she shouldn’t be either. And if Justin was beside her …
‘That sounds okay,’ she said.
A loud cheer greeted her words.
‘What did I say about being quiet?’ she said with mock severity.
The children fell silent, but their faces were split by the widest grins.
Justin caught her eye, and Carrie felt a tiny thrill at the approval she saw in his eyes. She signalled Dan to bring the horse over, and took the reins from him without the slightest hesitation.
‘Well, if you guys are stealing my horse,’ Dan said as he ruffled a blond head, ‘I guess I probably have to go and do some work.’
‘I’ll help,’ said Jack. ‘Just tell me where to leave the food and I’ll grab my tools.’
As Dan stepped back, Justin led first Harry, then his sister forward.
‘This is Finbarr,’ he said. ‘Say hello.’
‘Hello, Finbarr,’ the children chorused. The gelding reached out to snort gently in their hair, evoking more childish squeals.
‘All right, now that you are acquainted …’ Justin lifted Harry then his sister onto the back of the big chestnut horse. Her heart in her mouth, Carrie stepped closer to the horse’s head and took a firm grip on the reins, very aware that her hands were shaking.
‘Let’s go,’ Justin said.
Carrie took a deep breath and began to lead the chestnut forward. Finbarr followed her without hesitation or complaint. They circled the yard with Justin walking beside the children, one hand on the saddle. The horse was totally relaxed; its head held low as it flicked its ears back and forth, listening to the steady stre
am of instructions and advice Justin was giving the children.
By the gate, Ellen was watching, her face glowing with pride. Quinn was, as always, taking photographs.
One full circuit of the yard went without a hitch, and Carrie’s breathing was returning to normal.
‘Can we do it again?’ Harry begged, almost in a whisper.
‘I think so,’ Justin replied. ‘What do you think, Carrie?’
‘I think so too.’
Carrie was instantly rewarded with a whispered childish cheer, but more important to her was the nod of approval she got from Justin. The smile on his face was for her alone. As she set off on the second round of the yard, she looked down at her hands.
They were no longer shaking.
Chapter Twenty
The rich meaty stew bubbled in the pot, sending rich smells wafting on the night air. Quinn wondered what the local wildlife, out there in the dark, thought of that. The smell of smoke from the camp fire was probably more disturbing, she decided.
The stock horses didn’t seem bothered. They were hobbled in the almost completed stockyard, dozing after a busy day. Ellen’s kids were nothing if not energetic. They had ridden that poor horse in circles for what seemed like hours. Quinn was certain they would still be riding, had not Justin eventually decided the horse deserved a rest.
The kids had then turned their attention to the campsite, which involved a detailed examination of the tents and cooking arrangements and some far too detailed questions about how the campers went to the bathroom.
They were good kids. Intelligent and energetic and as well behaved as could be expected at their age. But the little girl with the big blue eyes had disturbed Quinn more than she liked. It had been such a long time—