by Janet Gover
Quinn raised an eyebrow at the wine glasses. ‘We have wine?’
‘I don’t keep much alcohol in the house. The doctors thought it was a bad idea for someone like me – especially as I live alone. For once I agreed with them. However, I do keep a couple of bottles here. In case of guests.’ He opened a corner cupboard and reaching into the back produced a bottle of red wine. He frowned as he looked at it. ‘It’s been there a while.’
‘Well aged then,’ Quinn said. ‘Come on. Let’s eat.’
The meal was everything Quinn no longer had. She and Dan sat at the table, talking easily – about books and places, about the brumbies and Coorah Creek. In some ways they were like some old married couple. Comfortable together. But when Dan’s eyes met hers, Quinn felt that stirring deep inside brought on by the promise of the night to come.
Before that, though, Quinn had to tell Dan why she was leaving. She owed him that. She hated the thought of spoiling their last few hours together. But she had to do it. If only she could gather the nerve …
‘So,’ Dan said at last. ‘Tell me whatever it is you have to tell me.’
‘How do you know I have something to tell you?’
Dan reached across the table to take her hand. ‘I just do.’
Quinn swallowed and gathered all her courage. ‘I want you to know that all this has really been special for me. The brumbies. Working like this to save them, with Justin and Carrie …’ She paused and held his eyes for a very long time. ‘You.’
‘I know.’
She nodded, hearing the words he hadn’t spoken. It had been special for him too. And now …
‘I have to go tomorrow,’ she said. ‘I can’t be what you want me to be. Do what you want me to do.’
‘And what do you think I want you to do or to be?’
‘This.’ Quinn motioned with her hand to encompass the room, the table with the remains of the meal. The whole house. ‘I tried this once. It all went terribly wrong.’
There the words were out.
Dan said nothing. He simply sat, holding her hand. Waiting for her to continue.
‘I was married.’
His eyes registered his surprise, but his gaze never wavered. Nor did he release her hand.
‘We were very young and so very much in love. I was still working in the fashion industry. He was a teacher. We met through friends and fell in love. We were going to have it all. A beautiful home. A family. Everything …’ Her voice trailed off as the memories surfaced. A little girl with blue eyes like her father.
‘What happened?’
‘We bought our dream house. It was a stretch to afford it, but we did it anyway. Then I found out I was pregnant. I kept working as long as possible. We needed the money … The baby came early. Too early. She was so beautiful but so weak. We called her Kim. She had blue eyes. And she died.’
Dan squeezed her hand so tightly it hurt. Quinn welcomed the pain. At least that would end.
‘She was only a few days old. And it was my fault.’
‘How was it your fault?’
‘If I hadn’t been working so hard … she wouldn’t have been premature. She would have been strong enough to survive.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘Yes. Yes I do.’ Quinn wrenched her hand away from Dan. ‘My husband knew it too. He blamed me and eventually he left. My parents blamed me too. I couldn’t stand the accusation in their eyes, so I left. Even now, when I go back, I can feel them blaming me. I know they love me, but they loved their granddaughter too. I’m better on my own. This is the life I have chosen. That’s why I have to leave. I cannot risk another relationship. A marriage. Another child. It would destroy me if that happened again.’
Fighting back the tears Quinn thrust back her chair, grabbed their dirty plates and almost ran through into the kitchen.
Dan watched her go, his heart aching for her. He understood Quinn’s pain. It was the sort of pain that could haunt a person their entire life. Unless someone helped them, as she had helped him.
He stood up and followed her. She was standing by the sink, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Dan thought it might be a very long time since she had allowed herself to cry like that.
He crossed the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back against him, still sobbing.
‘That’s why you knit those little baby things, isn’t it?’ he said softly.
She nodded. ‘I knitted her a little pink jacket. When I was pregnant. It took such a long time to knit, but I just loved doing it. She was going to look so beautiful in it. But she died before—’ Her voice trailed away.
He slowly turned her towards him, and with one finger tilted her chin so she was looking at him.
‘Sometimes terrible things happen, Quinn. They happen to people who don’t deserve them, but there’s nothing we can do to stop them. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just happened.’
As he spoke, he realised he was talking about and to himself too.
‘Your life is more than just this one thing. Mourn your little girl, but let go of the guilt. Life is too precious a gift to waste it in guilt and anger. You taught me that.’
‘She was my daughter.’ A world of grief poured into four words.
He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead, in the hope that if he loved her enough he could take away some of her pain, as she had done for him. And maybe, if he loved her enough, she wouldn’t leave.
Chapter Thirty-Two
‘Where are they?’ Carrie turned slowly around. The campsite was deserted. The horses moved restlessly around the yard, but otherwise the gorge was silent and still. There was no trace of smoke or heat in the campfire and no cars to be seen.
‘It looks like they didn’t spend the night here,’ Justin said.
‘I hope that’s a good thing,’ Carrie said. ‘I hate the thought of Quinn leaving.’
Justin put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. ‘I know. But we can’t keep her if she doesn’t want to stay.’
‘I don’t think she wants to leave,’ Carrie said. ‘I just don’t think she knows how to stay.’
‘If Dan hasn’t been able to show her that, no one can.’
Carrie nodded. There was nothing she could do, but she didn’t want to lose a friend. Quinn had done so much for all of them. Because of Quinn, Justin had reclaimed his father’s heritage. Dan had escaped the nightmare of shooting the wild horses. And Carrie herself had found, not just her love of horses and riding again, but she had also found Justin. She would always be grateful to Quinn for that. The four of them had shared so much in such a short time that it felt as if they had been friends forever.
‘Come on,’ Justin said taking her hand. ‘We’ve got a big day ahead. We need to get those brumbies feeling well-fed and lazy before we try to load them.’
‘All right.’
They set about opening two bales of hay to distribute to the brumbies. The branded mares who had escaped from their owners had quickly come to terms with their capture. They were crowding close to the fence, waiting for their breakfast. The foals were more than happy to take their mothers’ lead and accept there was no danger in the humans. They were even a little bit curious about these two-legged creatures who provided food and water. The stallion was standing a little to one side. He was no longer careering wildly around the yard, but he was keeping himself aloof, tossing his head as he watched Carrie approach.
‘So, you’re going to be a tough guy, are you?’ Carrie said to him. She moved quickly to an empty place on the fence and dipped her hand into her pocket. The carrot she produced was bright orange and very crisp. She broke it in half with a snap and placed the two halves on her open palm. She held it out, crooning softly. The stallion started moving towards her. He was still wary, but much of his fear and hesitation had vanished. She felt his lips touch her hand, his whiskers tickling as they
touched the sensitive skin at her wrist. His lips curled around once piece of the carrot. In a trice it was gone. There were a few loud crunching sounds and then the second piece of carrot followed the first.
‘See, I told you he’d be eating out of your hand,’ Justin said as he moved quietly to her side. The stallion squealed and danced away.
‘He doesn’t like me,’ Justin said with feigned sadness.
‘He’s just jealous.’ Carrie winked broadly and chuckled.
‘He should be.’ Justin grabbed her and pulled her close for a quick, powerful kiss.
Carrie felt her heart skip in her chest as she responded to the kiss with all the emotion surging through her. When Justin would have pulled away, she wrapped her fingers through his hair and pulled him back to her.
When they finally broke apart, they were no longer alone.
Quinn was at the campsite. She raised an arm in salute, and then turned her attention to her tent. She bent over and with a sudden heave pulled up a peg, the guy rope still hanging from it. Dan was walking towards them the look on his face told Carrie everything she needed to know. She glanced at Justin and saw from the tight line of his mouth that he too had read the signs.
‘I guess we should get this done,’ Dan said in a clipped voice that suggested he was struggling to keep a tight hold on his emotions.
‘I guess so. I’ll bring the truck over now.’ Justin laid a hand on Dan’s shoulder briefly as he moved away.
‘She really is leaving?’ Carrie asked Dan in a hushed voice. ‘You couldn’t convince her to stay.’
‘She has her own reasons.’
‘Maybe she’ll change her mind and come back,’ Carrie said, forcing a hopeful note into her voice.
‘Maybe.’ He didn’t sound at all like he believed it.
Further conversation was stalled by the arrival of Justin and the truck. He backed it towards the yard and the newly constructed loading ramp. As he did, two more trucks appeared on the dirt track. Yesterday’s helpers had returned.
Some of the horses milled wildly about as the truck grew closer, but a certain calm was maintained by the branded mares who’d no doubt seen many trucks before. The stallion stood back, eyeing the vehicles with suspicion.
Justin leaped out and began checking the back of the truck. It was firmly wedged against the loading ramp. He opened the sliding gate to expose the interior of the truck.
‘So, how do you get them on board?’ Quinn joined them. She stood close to Dan’s side. Carrie saw them exchange a glance that almost broke her heart.
‘We push them into the race. Once there, the horses at the rear will push those in front of them forward. There’s nowhere for them to go but into the truck. Hopefully a couple of the older more sensible mares will lead the way and just step on board. They must have done it before.’
‘They won’t all fit in one load, will they?’ Dan asked, although his mind was clearly elsewhere.
‘That’s where we come in,’ one of the others said. Carrie knew him as the owner of one of the branded mares. ‘There are four of us coming today with trucks. That should be plenty to shift them all.’
‘We’ll take them all to my place,’ Justin said. ‘Give them a few days to settle down then you can cut out your own stock and take them home.’
‘That works for me.’
‘I’d like the stallion to go in the first load,’ Justin added. ‘If he’s left behind he’ll only get more worked up and stressed. That’ll make him even harder to deal with.’
As they gathered by the gate, ready to start manoeuvring the horses, Carrie noticed something strange about Quinn. It was a few seconds before she realised what it was. Quinn was not carrying a camera. She was not photographing this final act of the story. Somehow that was more upsetting than anything else. Carrie tried to think of something she could say or do to change what was going to happen. But there wasn’t anything. Quinn had obviously made up her mind.
‘Let’s go,’ Justin called her back to the job at hand. ‘I think four of us inside the yard will be enough. Dan, can you stand by to slide the truck gate shut when I give you the signal.’
‘Sure.’
‘Carrie, the stallion knows you, so I need you in the yard.’
Carrie nodded, thrilled that she didn’t feel the slightest fear or hesitation.
Justin gave instructions to two of the other men, then turned to open the gate into the yard.
The mares began milling about.
‘Try not to stir them too much,’ Justin said in a low voice. ‘But we have to keep pushing forwards.’
Their arms spread wide, the four of them advanced. The stallion pushed his way through the bunch of horses until he was at the front, staring up the ramp into the dark entrance to the truck.
‘Push them,’ Justin instructed. He gave a sharp yell. Carrie followed suit, flapping her hands. A small group of the mares shied away.
‘Leave them,’ Justin instructed. ‘Push the rest.’
Waving their arms and making loud noises, they moved forward another few yards. The stallion glanced about one final time, wild-eyed and uncertain. He lunged up the ramp, two huge leaps that carried him into the back of the truck.
‘Quickly,’ Dan shouted.
Three of the mares gave way before the human pressure and bounded up the ramp, effectively blocking the stallion’s retreat. Some others followed, their foals close behind. At a shout from Justin, Dan darted forward and slammed the gate of the truck.
‘Yes.’ Justin punched the air. He grabbed Carrie and spun her in a wide circle. She was almost lost for breath when he put her down again. ‘We’ve done it!’
This declaration was accompanied by some hugging and back-slapping. Inside the truck, the horses moved restlessly, but there was nowhere for them to go. The stallion roared in frustration, and several loud bangs suggested he was venting his anger in other ways too.
‘This was the hard one,’ Justin said. ‘We better get moving before he kicks my truck to pieces.’
‘With him gone, the mares and foals should be easy,’ the other men agreed. ‘We should be right behind you with the rest of them.’
Dan watched the truck leave, wishing he could tell Justin to stop. The horses were not the only thing he was taking away.
Quinn turned and walked silently back to the campsite where she continued to pack her things into the back of the Hummer.
Dan simply watched her. He could not bring himself to help her leave. Instead, he maintained his place at the yard, helping where he could as the rest of the horses were loaded.
As the last truck drove away, with assurances that the men would return the next day to help dismantle the yard and ramp, the gorge became terribly quiet.
Dan watched as Quinn carried the last of her things to her Hummer. He tried to imprint everything about her on his mind. The way her hair shone as the sun hit it. The strong lines of her body. The way she moved with such energy and confidence. The care with which she stowed everything in the back of her vehicle – that well-designed and organised part of the vehicle where she stowed her whole life and all her memories. Did she have anything there that would remind her of him?
Quinn locked the back door of her vehicle, it was as if she was locking away her heart as well. For a heartbeat she stood with her back to him, staring at the door lock.
‘You don’t have to go,’ he said.
She didn’t turn. It was as if she couldn’t bear to look at him. ‘Yes. I do.’
‘You say you can’t be what I want. But you can. You are. I want you, Quinn. Not some formula dictated by convention. I don’t need a house and a white picket fence. I don’t even need children, if that’s how it turns out.’
She was shaking her head. Dan took her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. There were tears in her eyes.
‘I just need you, Quinn. Nothing else. Just you.’
‘She was my daughter, Dan. Surely you, of all people understand. She was my daughter.
I cannot forgive myself for that.’
He knew then there was nothing he could do.
‘Yes, you can,’ he said softly. ‘And you will. One day.’
He kissed her one last time. A long slow soft kiss that would have to last him a lifetime. Then he let her go.
Her shoulders were shaking slightly as she turned away. She opened the door of the car and got behind the wheel. The engine roared and slowly the Humvee began to move away. Dan kept his eyes fixed on the driver’s side window. But she didn’t wave. She didn’t look back.
‘Some day you will forgive yourself, Quinn,’ he said to the retreating car. ‘And when you do, I’ll be waiting here for you.’
The gold Hummer vanished, leaving only a trail of dust in its wake. Dan stood silently watching until the last of the dust had settled back to the earth, leaving no trace of her passing.
Chapter Thirty-Three
‘What are you going to call him?’ Carrie asked as a loud crash emanated from the back of the truck. The stallion was not enjoying his journey. ‘Were there any famous Irish boxers? That would work.’
‘You’ve already named him,’ Justin said.
‘I have. When?’
‘That first day when you came here with Quinn and Dan you said you had found Mariah’s son. That’s his name. Mariah’s Son.’
There was another crash from the back of the truck.
‘See, he approves,’ Carrie said.
They were halfway to their destination travelling slowly because of the horses, when Carrie happened to glance in the truck’s side mirror.
‘Justin,’ she said, interrupting his buoyant outlining of his plans to re-launch the Fraser Stud. ‘Isn’t that Quinn’s car behind us?’
Justin checked his mirror. ‘Yes. I guess she decided she wanted some more photos after all.’
When they pulled up at Justin’s yard, Quinn emerged from the Hummer, camera in hand. And alone.
Carrie jumped down from the cab of the truck, leaving Justin to back it into position to unload the horses.
‘Dan didn’t come?’ Carrie asked Quinn.
‘No.’