by Bianca Vix
I went a little overboard with the disclaimers when we spoke. I wanted to make sure she knew there was absolutely no pressure. And that if she said no, it wouldn’t be a problem at all. I can understand why there’s a need for so many rules about workplace conduct. And I’ve never broken them before.
I’m not totally sure why I broke them now. I was going to wait. See how everything works out with my new clinic. I really want Sarah to work there with me. But I got to thinking. It’s still pretty far out in the future. She’s a great woman. I don’t want to take the chance that some other guy could scoop her up first.
Honestly I’m a little surprised she said yes. She’s really mindful of keeping things professional too. That’s what really convinced me that I don’t need to wait any longer.
So tonight, we’re going out for drinks. I’m ready early, so I turn back to the real estate listings. Time goes fast as I locate a couple of appropriate sites that are real possibilities for my clinic.
Now I need to get going. As I climb into my car, I try to picture what it would be like to work with Sarah if things go well between us. That’s another issue. I don’t want to think about it, but my mind goes there anyway. There’s always the chance that even if she and I hit it off now, things could go south in the future. That’s really the main problem.
Could we manage after that? I hope so. We’re both adults. Except that during my training, I saw more than one couple who worked together fail hard. For one thing, they couldn’t keep their arguments at home. I vowed back then that I’ never get into a situation like that. That kind of thing can be so disruptive in a medical environment. I don’t think any of them ever realized just how much of an impact their behavior and problems had on the other staff. And then that can easily spill over to the patients.
By the time I reach Sarah’s place, I’ve almost talked myself out of going out with her. Not that I’d stand her up, of course. But maybe this wasn’t a great idea after all.
When she opens the door, all of my misgivings go out the window. She looks incredible. And I realize I haven’t ever seen her outside of work, or outside of her uniform. Maybe once or twice when she changed before leaving the clinic. Most people don’t usually bother to do that. She doesn’t usually either. But when I saw her those times, it was only a quick glimpse.
Now I can see her full-on. She looks so different. I’ve never seen her this way before. Hair down. Dressed in something other than jeans or her work uniform.
She’s gazing at me too. Of course, she’s never seen me out of my white coat either.
“Dr. Ash.”
“Sarah. Call me Ash. We aren’t at work now.”
She breaks into the smile that I like so much. “Sorry. That’s going to be a hard habit to break.”
“There’s no need to apologize.”
She’s ready to go, purse in hand and a light sweater draped over her arm. “So, where are we going?”
“Cinq. Have you been there?”
“No. I don’t know it.”
Once Sarah told me where she lived, I chose a bar that wasn’t far away from her place. “We can walk. It’s only a few blocks away. If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Not at all. I like walking. It’s something I like to do to relax.”
It’s a perfect evening for a short walk. It doesn’t take long at all to get there. Sarah pauses to check it out before we head inside.
“I don’t usually walk this way. I remember going by this place when I first moved into the neighborhood. I always meant to come here and check it out, but it slipped my mind.”
“I’ve been here a couple of times. It’s quite nice.”
It’s early enough that it’s easy to find a nice spot to sit. “Are you in the mood for wine?” I ask her.
“Always.” And then she blushes. As if she’s admitted something she didn’t want me to know. It’s kind of sweet.
“I mean, not always. I enjoy a glass now and then.”
“Nothing wrong with that. There’s a nice Merlot that I’ve been meaning to try. What do you think?”
“Sounds great. I like trying new things.”
“That sounds promising.”
We start chatting easily enough, but I get the sense that she’s holding something back. “Is everything okay, Sarah? You seem a little uncomfortable.”
She flashes me her pretty smile. “I’m not uncomfortable. Not at all, I’m having a nice time. It’s just that it’s a little strange. Being out with you like this. It’s not against the rules, is it? Because I had a look and I couldn’t find anything. But I don’t want to do anything wrong.”
“Dating in the workplace is a minefield these days, that’s for sure. But there’s no rule at our clinic stating that we can’t go out. The only issue would be is if you felt pressured to go out with me. You didn’t, did you? Because I wouldn’t want that.”
Sarah shakes her head vigorously. “Not at all. I have to say, I’ve been interested in you for a while now.”
That’s very good to hear. She’s friendly to everyone. I didn’t get a strong sense that she had an interest in me. At least, not at first. Then there were some signs I started to notice. If there hadn’t been anything at all, I wouldn’t pursued anything. “Is that right? Then I’m glad I asked you out.”
The waiter arrives with the wine. After he leaves, I lift my glass. “To the future.”
“The future.” Sarah clinks her glass to mine.
I sample the wine. Very nice. “It’s quite good. What do you think?”
“It is. It’s very nice. I don’t usually drink red, but I may start now.”
“Just to get back to what we were talking about before for a moment. I’d never want you to be uncomfortable at work, Sarah. And not to presume anything, but if we do begin dating regularly and it didn’t work out, nothing would change at the clinic. I want you to know that. No matter what happens tonight or at any point in the future, everything would be fine between us at work. I want to make sure that you stay happy there.”
She takes another drink of wine. “I appreciate you saying that. I mean, I don’t know how long I’ll be there after I graduate. But whatever happens in the future, I do really like my job. I’d like to keep it for the foreseeable future.”
“Do you have plans for after you graduate?”
“No, no plans. I have tons of ideas. But I haven’t narrowed anything down into an actual plan yet. There are so many choices out there. I haven’t picked anything so far.” She turns her glass around in her hand. “I expect that sounds unfocused.”
“No. Not at all. You do have a lot of options. Being able to explore at the beginning of your career is a great thing. There’s no need to rush. Besides, you never know what could happen, what kind of opportunities could open up for you.”
In this moment, I almost tell her about my clinic plans. But I catch myself just in time. It’s too soon. Too soon to know where either one of us will be in a year. And even though she’s the kind of nurse I absolutely want on my team, I’m conflicted.
I also want her for myself. We’ve barely started our date, and I’m even more interested in her than I was before. And I can’t get around the thought that it would be a truly bad idea to work with someone you’re involved with. I’ve never seen that work out well.
Maybe I’ll change my mind. Maybe Sarah will. Maybe there’s no possibility of us. Thinking about that now is really jumping the gun, I know. But I’m drawn to her in ways that I haven’t been drawn to another woman for quite some time.
No, not sometime. Never.
I finally have the time for a relationship. It was impossible to have anything worthwhile when I was going through being a med student and then into residency. The time commitment involved in studying to become a doctor is huge.
The rewards are huge too. Eventually. At the time, I gave up on dating after a few failed attempts. Every other woman I tried to date was just as busy as I was. I got into the habit of quick, casual sex. Fri
ends with benefits was pretty much the norm back then. Emphasis on the benefits, because new friendships were hard to form too. There simply wasn’t enough time.
I ended up with hookups in between studying and exams and courses and training. That worked out well for everyone involved. Every other med student I knew was in the same position. We all had needs and we met them for each other. It was pretty normal then, in that situation. For all of us.
And when there weren’t women available, I had no problem hooking up with men. That was just as common, although no one ever acknowledged it or talked about it. At all. It was just done and never spoken about.
I know a lot of the guys were flexible enough to do it just to get off. It was something else for me. Sex with men or women was just as fulfilling. Frankly, I enjoyed the hell out of it. Sometimes I’d even choose to be with a guy over a woman. I shocked myself the first time I did that.
I suppose that makes me bisexual. Although I haven’t been with a guy since I became a doctor, and residency ended. It was never about having a relationship with anyone back then though, let alone a guy. I always figured I’d get married eventually and settle down.
I just never did anything to make that happen. Now with Sarah, maybe there’s a chance this could go somewhere.
That thought is exciting. And yet at the same time, it makes me miss those days back in college. Not the enormous, crushing work load, of course. Or the endless amount of time it seemed to take before I could get out there and practice medicine. But the sexual opportunities.
Yes. I have to admit it.
I miss having sex with men. As much as I’m interested in where things could go with Sarah, maybe I should take advantage of being single for a little longer. Before I give up that side of myself completely.
I haven’t thought about that time in awhile. It was a lot of fun. Really intense. And great.
There wouldn’t be anything wrong with having a little more fun before I settle into the life I was always expecting to have. I want Sarah to be part of that life.
But I want some more time first too.
Chapter 9
Sarah
The sun feels great on my face as I relax on the bench. The park is tiny, but I like it a lot. It’s close to the clinic and I really like eating lunch here whenever I can. I picked up a quick take-out order and here I am. There’s a small group of kids playing in one corner. They’re fun to watch as I try to balance my sandwich in one hand and my phone in the other.
But today, I’m here on a mission and I can’t keep my mind on kids playing. I have to figure something out. I have to think about what’s going on. My date with Dr. Ash went really well. I still can’t believe that he asked me out at all. My crush on him in going into overdrive.
I thought maybe going out with the doctor would help me get over him. But it’s only made me like him more. He’s still the same good-looking, successful man that I work with. Now I know he’s also really interesting, funny and nice.
And even though I thought it would be awkward once it came down to going out with Ash for real, it wasn’t. He put me at ease right away. It didn’t feel in anyway like we were at work. Or doctor and nurse. We were just two people out on a date. And that was great.
The only thing that surprised me was when he took me home and dropped me off. He didn’t even try to invite himself up to my place. And he didn’t offer for us to go back to his place either.
He walked me to my door like a gentleman. I was just about to invite him to come up for another drink. And to see what might happen. Before I could say anything when we reached my door, he had his arms around me.
His hands were in my hair and we were kissing. By the time we were done, I was breathless.
Dr. Sexy sure knows how to kiss. Not that I ever doubted that he would. But that kiss was something else. My knees were weak by the time we stopped.
And just as suddenly as it began, it was over. He kissed my earlobe and said good night.
Then he turned on his heel and left.
Well, that wasn’t what I expected at all.
By the time I got up to my place, I was convinced that he wasn’t that into me. Or maybe he was still concerned about dating me, since we work together. Whatever the reason, I had to figure that our date was a one-time thing.
I was locking the door behind me when the text came in. I settled onto the sofa with my phone to read it. It was from Ash. Telling me how much of a good time he had. And asking me out again.
Now that, I wasn’t expecting. Although his kiss definitely showed interest. No question. Maybe he likes to take things slow. I’m trying to do the same. So I decided to see what happens.
But the thing is, I’ve been out with Cory a couple times now. Each time has been better than the last. I thought it’d be fun to juggle two guys at once. But it’s not for me. I just can’t do it. It’s also too early to decide which man I want yet. I mean, I’ll give them both a couple more chances before I do.
But I need to at least have an idea of the direction I’m leaning in. I’ve got exams coming up soon. There’s no way I can keep two men going at the same time then. Hell, one will be hard enough. But if he understands where I’m at with my course, surely the right guy will be patient enough to wait for me.
At least I hope so.
So I’m spending my lunch break sitting in the park, eating as fast as I can and trying to come up with a list at the same time. The list. The pluses and minuses of each guy. I’ve never done anything like this before.
Of course I’ve never been involved with two guys at the same time either.
I’m taking notes on my phone as best I can. The problem is, I can’t come up with any minuses.
At least, not any real ones. The only one I can figure out for Ash is that we work together. I know that’s a concern for him too. But since he figures it’s okay, then I know I have no worries about my job. So it’s not really a big deal. We both agreed to keep things quiet and not let anyone else at the clinic know about us. At least not for awhile.
It was a nice thing for him to say. Letting me know that he thinks that we might have a future together. That someday, we will get to a point where we let our coworkers know about us. Between that and him not trying to sleep with me yet, I feel like he’s serious about seeing where things go between us. That’s a great feeling to have, especially upfront.
On the downside, it also means we haven’t slept together yet. So I don’t know what he’ll be like in that area. However if he’s as good at other stuff as he is at kissing, then there’ll be no problem with sex.
Not at all.
The pros are easier, that’s for sure. Both Ash and Cory are really good-looking men. Major plus. They both have great jobs. They’re both nice and friendly.
I know Ash better than Cory. Of course I do, since we work together. But even though I’ve known him longer, I don’t know Ash super-well. I only know how he is at work. But that’s not a small thing. I get to see how he treats his patients, and all of us who work for him. He’s really great with people. And he always keeps his cool. No matter how busy it gets or how urgent some of the patients we see are, he keeps it together. He’s really organized and can juggle so much at once without getting flustered. A real take-charge man.
He’s an inspiration to me. I struggle to be like him sometimes. But it’s how I want to be in my job too. I respect him so much as a person. As well as a boss.
And yet. Sometimes he’s a little too cool, a little too calm. He can be hard to read because of this. Of course as a doctor, he would be. He can’t let the patients know everything he’s thinking. But sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t know how to let his guard down. He was certainly very smooth with me when we went out.
Cory’s a lot more laid-back. He’s definitely a guy who likes to have a good time. He’s fun and he doesn’t take anything too seriously. Or that’s what it seems like to me so far. He’s kind of the opposite of Ash in that way.
Not that As
h isn’t fun. But he’s got this way about him. One that’s a bit more serious. Maybe not serious, but like he’s thinking about a lot all the time.
My big problem is that I like both types of guys. If I had to choose one, I honestly don’t know which side I’d come down on. Both kinds of man appeal to me. I think because I have both sides to myself too.
Of course there’s no ‘if’ about it. I do have to choose. That’s why I’m making this list. But it’s too soon. I don’t know any of the real negatives about either man. That’ll come in time. I know they’re not perfect. I just don’t know in what ways yet.
I check the time and find I have to get back. My list is equally long for both men. Damn. Not even the numbers can tip the scale, at least not yet. I was hoping to come out of this with at least an idea of which way I’m leaning. I don’t know how long I can go on seeing both of them. I’m going to have to choose sooner rather than later.
How I’m going to do that, I have no idea.
Chapter 10
Ash
“I’ve never been here before. It’s so beautiful.”
Yes. That’s the reaction I was going for. Sarah and I both have the same day off, and I had a feeling she’d like it here. It’s Friday too, so the gardens aren’t very busy. I haven’t been here in awhile and now I remember why I used to come here every chance I could.
It wasn’t just a way for me to get away from the grind of interning in a busy emergency room. Just the total change is what was appealing. By taking me away from all the blood and injury and pain I encountered in the hospital, these gardens were something of a lifesaver. Being here is a totally opposite experience. It’s tranquil, peaceful and beautiful. So calm.
I can tell already that Sarah’s appreciating it for that too.
“Roses. My favorite.” She curls her hand around the stem of a rose carefully, leaning in close to inhale its scent. I lean down to, breathing deeply.
“So pretty. Don’t you think? Sarah asks me.
“Yes. Very.” But I’m not looking at the rosebushes. I’m looking into her eyes. She outshines any of the exotic flowers that can be found here.