He didn’t.
“Aunt Ceci and Dad didn’t want me to discuss it with you. Anyway, what could I have said, Maddie? When you were sixteen, should I have told you we suspected your own father had sexually abused you and asked if it were true? It would’ve been a huge blow to your already fragile self-confidence.”
That pushed me over the edge.
“You will not insult me,” I said, turning on him like a cornered animal. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. You convinced me to agree to a relationship with you. I trusted you! Yet you chose to keep this from me? According to you, that’s the same thing as lying. I’ll never be able to forgive you, or your family, for not telling me everyone knew,” I said vehemently. “You have no idea how humiliating it is to realize that everyone thinks of me as a victim.
“The people I believed sincerely cared about me only felt sorry for the poor little damaged girl,” I ranted. “Don’t you understand how that makes me feel? As if I’m some tragedy that you can change into a happy ending, like a fairy tale? I hate being pathetic. I can’t stand that you all think I’m weak and fragile.” I stopped my tirade, too angry to continue, and turned my back to him. I hugged myself and stared out the window into the sunset.
“I never pitied you,” Zac said fiercely. “Of course my family’s heart went out to you, and it wasn’t because they needed a charity project. For God’s sake, you were ten years old!
“And nothing could keep you down. Back when I started to care for you, I wasn’t aware that your father may have abused you. I liked being around you because you made me feel worthwhile. You were always special to me. You know that back in high school I wanted to be more than friends.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance at me for a response. I refused to give one, so he persisted.
“You told me there were things about yourself you weren’t ready to discuss. I assumed you were referring to the abuse. I was being patient and waiting until you were ready to bring it out in the open.”
Holy Mother of God! Realization slapped me between the eyes. He’d interpreted my refusal to tell him about Angeline’s voice in my head and the resultant fear for my sanity as reluctance to discuss what Father had done. He’d assumed I remembered the abuse and would share it with him eventually. What a clusterfuck.
I had to admit that, from his point of view, he’d drawn a logical conclusion from the fiasco of miscommunication.
Chapter 27
EVEN SO, I DIDN’T THINK I could get past the pain of his betrayal. Why should I even try? So many conflicting emotions roiled around inside that I started to get a headache.
To get him to leave it alone, I said, “I promise I’ll consider what you’ve told me. Right now I’m overwhelmed, and I need some time. Please stop talking about it.”
“All right,” he said begrudgingly. “I won’t bring it up any more tonight.” We drove in silence for a few miles.
“Are you hungry?” he asked. “Do you want to stop for something to eat?”
“No, thank you,” I replied. “I’m going to get some sleep.” I sank back into the comfy leather and forced my eyes closed.
Despite my raging emotions, or maybe because of them, I eventually dropped off.
I woke when Zac turned off the truck engine and tried to get my bearings in the night. He came around and opened my door, picked me up and carried me a few steps. His nearness made me wish I could feel his skin under my fingertips. I inhaled his grassy scent deeply. God, he smelled good. I mentally smacked myself for lusting after him as he set me on my feet. Then I realized we were at his house.
“I‘m not staying here with you! Take me to the hotel.” I was furious all over again. I barely managed to keep my voice down.
He unlocked the front door and went in. “I asked Dad to get all your things from the hotel and bring them here. I wa—”
He couldn’t get another word out because I was yelling. “How dare you! You have no right to dictate where I stay.” He continued toward the kitchen as though he hadn’t heard. I followed, my temper rising even more. “Damn it! You will not control me. I’m calling Jennifer to come pick me up.”
“No, you’re not,” he thundered, whipping around. “You need to stop being selfish and think about someone else for a change. We were all worried sick about you.” His eyes were dark with anger as he bellowed at me. “For God’s sake, we didn’t even know if your wound was life-threatening! The hospital refused to tell us your status because we aren’t blood relatives. You wouldn’t let me, Dad, or Aunt Marie and Uncle José see you. What about Carlos and Linda Marie? Teresa and Josh? They’ve been beside themselves with concern. You shut us all out. No phone call, no message. You could’ve died, had permanent damage, or gotten a serious infection. You couldn’t be bothered to keep the people who love you updated about what was happening.”
He stopped to scowl at me, breathing hard. I was speechless, standing immobile in the living room. I wished I could deny that I’d been that self-centered. Deep down inside, I knew he was right. Tabs would’ve told him what she knew about my condition. Despite that, it was incredibly rude of me not to keep the family informed. I could’ve taken a turn for the worse at any time.
I gaped at him as he walked around me to close the door. Turning, he stepped up to me, stopping three inches away. His lips were so close, I was unnerved. I shut my eyes.
“Look at me please,” he said sternly. At least he was no longer shouting. Defiantly, I ripped my eyes open and stared into his. They sparkled with moisture. “I was afraid I was going to lose you,” he whispered. “I can’t make it without you. I should’ve protected you.”
What the…? Protected me? That didn’t make any sense. I inhaled to dispute his crazy theory. He put two fingers on my mouth.
“I need you close by. I want you near so I know you’re going to be all right and won’t be hurt again. If I have to, I’ll sleep in the other bedroom. I won’t bother you. I can use the air mattress.” When I didn’t answer, he added, “Maddie, give me this. Please.”
He was reduced to begging, and I knew that was a huge hit to his ego. It made me feel truly awful. I was becoming mortified by my poor behavior.
“Fine,” I said without apology, hiding behind my wall of mulishness. I brushed past him and walked toward his bedroom, flinging the words over my shoulder, “You’d better blow up that air bed. I’ll stay for tonight.”
After I washed up and brushed my teeth, I poured myself between the sheets. The linens smelled freshly laundered. I fell into a sound sleep.
I woke to a dark room. It took a minute for me to remember where I was. I glanced over at red glowing numbers that said four twenty-two. I lay still for some time, deciding I needed to go to the bathroom or I wouldn’t be able to drop off again.
Slowly, I began to sit up. I froze. Zac was asleep on the floor. He didn’t have a pillow and looked uncomfortable, lying on his side with his shoulders scrunched up. One of his arms was extended toward the bed. I studied him as he slept. Despite the dim light, I could make out how haggard he looked, with shadows under his eyes and worry lines on his forehead. A gush of regret for my insensitivity to him and his family swept over me. Quietly, I tiptoed around him, used the bathroom, took my medication, and crept back under the covers.
It took a while for me to go back to sleep. Next thing I knew, I was staring at the clock that read ten thirty-six. I looked at the floor and found it was empty.
The yummy smell of coffee pulled me into the kitchen where Zac was filling his cup. He got down a big mug with a car dealership ad on it and filled it with the last of the pot. He handed it to me and reached for the can to start making more.
“How did you sleep?” he asked cautiously.
“It was nice to get a whole night without a nurse waking me, so I slept pretty well. How about you?”
“Great, now I know you’re okay and close by,” he said. I didn’t tell him I’d caught him on the bedroom floor. “I’ll fix you breakfast
. Why don’t you go to the living room and take your antibiotics.” I agreed, glad for a reason to escape. My body wanted badly to be near him.
I grabbed my pill bottles and settled carefully on the sofa with a yawn, turning on the TV. He bustled around the kitchen for a good while. When he came out, he carried two plates heaped with scrambled eggs, wheat toast with real butter, and bacon. He took my cup back to the kitchen to refresh and returned it along with a large glass of orange juice and a bottle of red pepper sauce.
I practically inhaled the food. The eggs with a hint of the spicy sauce tasted great after the flavorless hospital fare I’d been subjected to. I finished the juice, set down the empty glass, and noticed Zac smiling.
“Thank you,” I said self-consciously. “I was hungry.”
“You’re welcome.” He sat back and put his feet on the coffee table as he flipped through the channels. I considered getting up to take a shower. I was stuffed full and decided it wouldn’t hurt to sit back and relax for a little while...
“Why are you mad at Zac and Sheriff Rey?” Angeline asks.
“They lied to me, Angeline. They knew the whole time what Father was doing. They were being nice because they felt sorry for me.” We sit on the pink pansy bedspread in her room. Sun pours through the window. The stain on the carpet where I was sick dampens the bright mood.
She sighs impatiently. “They’re nice to you because they love you. They wouldn’t be that nice for so long if they only felt sorry for you,” she reasons.
“I don’t know,” I say. “How could they have kept it a secret all these years? That isn’t the way you treat someone you love.”
“They wanted you to be happy. They kept you away from Daddy so that he couldn’t hurt you like he did me.”
I chew on this. “If they wanted to protect me, wouldn’t they have warned me?”
She laughs at me. “Of course not, silly. How can they keep you from being afraid if they tell you what to be afraid of? They didn’t want you to be scared all the time. Just like me.”
I woke snuggled against Zac, with my cheek on his chest. His arm was around me, and his chin rested lightly on my head. I almost succumbed to the feel of his body against mine. I jolted upright.
“You okay?” he said softly, dropping his arm.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to take a shower.” I scurried off the couch.
After taping plastic over my wounds to keep them dry, I stood under the hot spray for a long time. Angeline’s words churned in my heart. Just like me.
Angeline. She’d never told me what Father was doing to her, and we’d shared all our secrets. She wanted to protect me from living the nightmare she’d experienced. I didn’t like it, yet I understood she’d prevented me from being in constant fear, not knowing when he would force himself on me.
Losing my twin had been so very difficult. As was growing up with an alcoholic, absent mother and egomaniacal father while the whole town despised me. God knows the terrible anticipation of when Father would rape me would’ve been too much. To my chagrin, I caught myself being grateful that I’d been left in ignorance.
Chapter 28
I WISHED I COULD TAKE a run to think all of this through. Instead, I took my time with my personal grooming. I’d skipped doing my regular waxing because of my hospital stay and decided to take care of it then. With the adhesive hair removal strips I’d packed, I removed everything. I loved being bare, with the sensation of silk and lace panties against my skin. I put on some jeans that had a waistband low enough not to bother my bandages and a soft cotton tank top. I then dried and styled my hair.
It was almost one in the afternoon. I packed everything in my suitcases and prepared for the confrontation I was sure to have with Zac when I demanded he take me back to the hotel.
Marching into the living room as aggressively as I could with my stiff body, I was startled to find Tabs sitting on the sofa watching TV.
“Where’s Zac?” I asked.
“He had to go to work, so I took the afternoon off to sit with you,” she responded without taking her eyes off the screen.
“Good. Now I won’t have to argue with him about going to the hotel,” I said, relieved. My respite was short-lived because, when she looked up, I could see she was irritated.
“Maybe you could’ve counted on your best friend to take you. I guess you don’t need her anymore,” she said, her hurt feelings plainly written on her face. “I suppose you’ll have to be okay with staying here.”
“Aw, Tabs. I’m sorry for not telling you everything. There’s been so much happening lately, I needed some time to adjust to it all myself.”
“The Maddie I used to know always liked to talk things through with me,” she said bitterly. She was right. In addition to running, talking things out with her and Aunt Ceci had been the way I dealt with life’s challenges. I saw there was no other way to appease her. I knew if I didn’t tell her, I risked losing her. God, you’re not ready for this.
I braced myself for the painful explanation.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll tell you. All of it. This is hard, though. I want you to promise you won’t be angry at me for not explaining sooner and won’t judge. I couldn’t handle it if you got upset with me again. And I need to tell the whole story without stopping.” Tabs rolled her eyes, perhaps thinking I was just being histrionic. But she nodded in agreement and turned off the TV.
I took a few deep breaths and started the story, pacing slowly as I did. I couldn’t look at her, so I stared at the carpet in front of the coffee table. I began with my decision to get more information about my twin sister’s murder and my meeting with Sheriff Rey.
I told her everything. Almost everything, that is. Thank God she didn’t interrupt with questions I couldn’t explain without revealing that Angeline’s voice had started in my head again almost the minute I set foot back in the state of Missouri. She didn’t say anything when I confessed I’d lied to her about using her car to drive to Winnser to talk to Bobby Wittford.
I ended by saying, “I’m ashamed. I should’ve protected Angeline from Father. Instead, I locked the knowledge away to protect myself and soon forgot everything after she died.”
I glanced up at Tabs. Her expression reflected a mixture of concern and anguish. Tears ran freely down her cheeks, almost making me cry, too. I sank miserably onto the sofa.
“Oh my God. Maddie, I had no idea! I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry I was hard on you.” She scooted over to hug me, adding, “You have to believe me when I tell you this: you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were abused, too.”
I disagreed with a vehement shake of my head. My experience was nothing compared to what Angeline had gone through. I was about to protest when Tabs spoke again.
“Yes, you were. You were abused both emotionally and sexually. On top of all that you had to bear the brunt of your parents’ shortcomings. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to live through it.” She sniffed. “I wish I could take away your heartache. I understand it’s not something you would want everyone to know about.” She took a long shaky breath. “I’ll always be here for you. I’m family, you can tell me anything. No matter what.”
At that point I hugged her back. I’d half expected her to shun me. I should’ve known she would give me her absolute support. After we sat in silence for a few minutes, she took the conversation to a place I didn’t want to go.
“Is this what your fight with Zac was about? He knew?” she asked.
“Yes. He didn’t know for sure. I’m not certain how the family came to suspect it,” I said, even more dejected. “I can understand not wanting to discuss it right after Angeline died. They shouldn’t have kept it from me forever.”
Tabs was quiet, lost in her thoughts. She turned to me with a look of doubt.
“What?” I asked.
“When would’ve been the right time to tell you about it?” she asked neutrally.
I opened my mouth and shut it again. “
I don’t know. Before I went away to college,” I finally proposed.
“Yes, I remember that summer we graduated Clantonville High,” she reflected. “I’d never seen you so happy and full of hope. Optimistic. You were looking forward to your future, and to getting on with your life.” She eyed at me emphatically. “Of course, after that, you didn’t come back ‘til now.”
“Okay,” I conceded. “I guess they didn’t want to spoil that time for me. They could’ve told me the summer between junior and senior year,” I said.
“When you were depressed because Elaine had pulled that stunt with the dead cat in your locker right before school was finished? You said it was like you were wearing a giant target on your back and everyone hated you. News your father might have sexually abused you certainly wouldn’t have cheered you up any.” Seeing my frustration, she added, “I understand that you’re hurt because they kept it from you. However, I can also see how finding the right time to tell you would’ve been difficult. Your parents’ treatment gave you enough issues. Helping you deal with those must have been a huge challenge for the Redondos.”
We sat in silence again.
“I want to ask you something,” she began slowly, “and I want you to know I would never say anything to cause you more pain. I honestly believe this would be a good thing for you to think about.” Tabs waited for my reaction. I nodded and straightened up. “What would you say to Aunt Ceci if she were sitting here now?”
I was astounded. Without thinking, I’d absolved Aunt Ceci of any blame because she’d died, taking out my hurt and anger on everyone else. No doubt the decision to withhold the suspicions of abuse was hers. Good God. I crossed my arms and sagged dejectedly into the cushions.
“Oh honey,” Tabs said. “I didn’t say that to make things worse. You know we all love you. And love doesn’t come with an instruction book about what’s best for a person. We don’t have a crystal ball to see how our actions will affect someone in the future.”
The Art of Going Home (The Art of Living series Book 1) Page 14