~~~
Under the sapphire sky, I snuggled against Zac’s shoulder. The clean air at our impromptu breakfast picnic by the lake had soothed my jangled nerves caused by Elaine’s unexpected visit. She’d finally given up after half an hour of shouting, pounding and kicking.
“Are you going to call her?” I asked.
“Call who?” he responded, nuzzling my hair.
Duh. “Elaine.”
“Why on earth would I do that?”
“To find out what she wanted,” I said. “And to tell her not to drop by your house anymore.”
“Nah. What’s the point?” he asked.
How could he be so obtuse? “The point would be,” I said, “to let her know she needs to leave you alone. Tabs said she was desperate to get back together with you.”
“Why, Madisen Chandler,” he said mischievously as he played with my hair. “Have you been gossiping about me? Are you jealous?”
I rose to my elbow and rolled my eyes. “Not jealous. Frustrated. She seems to think you two are involved in a romantic relationship.” I imitated Elaine’s piercing tone, “Sweetheart.” I saw him grimace and smirked with satisfaction.
“She knows nothing’s going on between me and her.” He sounded exasperated.
“Somehow I think she missed that memo.”
He turned me on my back and, with a hand on each side of my head, rose over me to stare down with those bottomless pools of chocolate.
“A public display of my affection for you will get the message across.” He slowly lowered his lips. My heart dissolved as our kiss deepened and our tongues entwined. I was quickly lost in him. I put my arms around his back and pulled him down so his weight would anchor me. His fingers crept under my shirt, working their way up to slide against my nipple. I arched against his touch.
As he was about to move my bra aside, I sensed a change in our surroundings. I broke our kiss and saw that a shadow had fallen over us. I turned my head to see miniature sneakers standing not two feet away. They were attached to the ankles of a little boy.
“Whatcha doin’?” he asked with a quizzical tilt of his head.
“Cody,” a voice yelled from across the park. “Get back over here and finish your milk.”
“Gotta go. Bye-bye!” He waved over his shoulder as he chugged away, pumping his small fists.
“He got an eyeful,” I giggled, pushing Zac away. “Somehow, I get the impression Elaine won’t hear about it from him.” He growled regretfully and lay back on the blanket, rolling me with him. I sagged happily onto his chest...
“Ask Mommy, Maddie. Ask her.”
I jounced out of sleep. Zac squeezed my shoulder and stroked his hand down my side to my waist. With the warm sunshine on my arms and legs, I remembered where I was and relaxed again.
Ask Mommy. It took a moment to remember the context of Angeline’s words. It was when we’d talked about what Father had done to her. I was disgusted by the idea that Mother might have known what was going on.
I knew better than to avoid doing what Angeline wanted. I couldn’t risk her voice following me back to Texas. I resigned myself to seeing Mother and immediately began to dread it.
“You’re thinking so hard, I can hear the wheels spinning,” Zac muttered, tapping my temple.
“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
“You’ll never be a disturbance to me. Don’t ever think that,” he scolded mildly. “You want to talk about it?”
“It’s Mother,” I said after a while. “I should see her before I go back to San Antonio.”
“I’ll support you in anything you want.” He lifted his head and raised my chin to study my face. “Is it a good idea to add another straw to the camel’s back?”
I bristled at his insinuation, leaving the circle of his arms to sit up.
“What are you saying?” I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice.
“I’m saying that anyone else would’ve easily been overcome by everything that’s happened. You haven’t seen your mom since her suicide attempt. It might be troubling to see her the way she is now.”
“You mean see her insanity?” I responded heatedly.
“If you want to call it that, yes.”
“You think I can’t handle it? That I’ll go insane, too?” I asked shrilly. What a bastard.
“No, I don’t think that,” he said. “But a lot has been thrown at you in a short time. If you think you need professional help to cope with it, I’ll stand behind you.”
God damn him! He actually believed I was mentally unstable. His words struck me harder than a physical blow. I turned away, unable to accept how low his opinion of me had fallen. And to hide how much it upset me.
After the silence had drawn out, he said, “Baby? What is it?”
“If you think I’m that broken,” I said, keeping my back to him and wiping the dampness from my cheeks, “I don’t understand why you want to be in a relationship with me.”
He scooted around to face me and took my hands in his. I stared down at the blanket. “I do not think you’re broken. All the same, you’ve been subjected to some bad experiences that would leave anyone scarred. There’s no shame in getting counseling to help you with the healing process. Actually, it takes more strength to let someone help you deal with your issues than to run away from them.”
I still wouldn’t look at him. He gently slipped his hand to the back of my neck and drew my forehead up to his. “I’m not giving up on us because your childhood wasn’t perfect. Mine wasn’t, either. And I think you’re as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. I want to be with you on the day you discover that for yourself. And every day after.”
I puffed out a breath. “Okay, Dr. Know-It-All. I won’t rule it out.” When he chuckled at my stubbornness, his eyes crinkled in that way of his I’d grown to love.
~~~
Driving northwest the next afternoon, we saw black-bellied clouds hovering in the distance. They were supported by wide columns of rain that stretched to the horizon. Far away, flicks of lightning lanced the air. My dark mood imitated the heavy atmosphere.
“Maddie?” The grim tone of Zac’s voice immediately sent up red flags. I dragged my eyes away from the storm on the horizon to the interior of the truck.
“Yes?” I answered above the low purr of tires on the interstate.
“I have to ask you something. And I know you may not want to talk about it.” My nerves went into overdrive. “I thought it was your father’s abuse that you were holding back, scared to discuss with me. But you didn’t remember it until we found the pictures in his house. What is it that you’re afraid of?”
“You’re right,” I replied behind a false barrier of calmness. “I don’t want to discuss it.”
“Is it because you don’t trust me?” he asked.
I turned to him. “No. I do trust you, and I want you to believe that. I trust you with my life.” That got a small smile out of him. “Think of it this way.” I chose my words carefully so he would understand. “I have personal demons that are very ugly. If I see myself as ugly, I believe everyone else will too.” He started to speak. “Wait. It’s not about you. I just need more time to let go of my insecurities.”
After letting the quiet settle in, he said, “The most important thing to me is that you trust me. And that you promise you’ll tell me someday.”
“I promise,” I said. I almost convinced myself it was true.
Chapter 34
HE CHANGED THE SUBJECT with his subsequent question. “So, you nervous about seeing your mother?”
“Would you be?”
“Yes, I would if I were you,” Zac replied. His admission surprised me.
“I guess seeing her won’t be any worse than it was to see Father after ten years. Hopefully she doesn’t have access to firearms,” I said flippantly.
He actually laughed at my sarcasm. “That’s one way to look at it.”
“Seriously, the worst thing she
could do is admit she knew Father was abusing Angeline and turn it around so I’m somehow to blame. She’s always blamed me for everything. It won’t be anything I haven’t already heard.” I knew I was trying to convince myself as much as him.
“Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.”
“Only because it’s true,” I said under my breath.
“You’ve got to stop holding yourself responsible,” Zac said in that tone. The one he used when I was being obstinate. “It’s illogical to believe that you could’ve stopped him.”
“Logic doesn’t have anything to do with it. I should’ve tried harder.”
“If you had, he would’ve found a way to silence you. And when you were a child, you might not have been as lucky as you were ten days ago.”
Good God Almighty! It was sobering to think that Father wouldn’t have hesitated to permanently shut me up when I was a defenseless nine or ten year old. All the more reason I should’ve protected Angeline. She was just as defenseless, and I was all she had.
~~~
In the waiting room of the doctor’s office, Zac kept me distracted with conversation and lighthearted teasing. He seemed to know that my nerves were stretched to their limit by the impending meeting with Mother. It was forty-five minutes past my appointment when we went in to see Dr. Ellis. After checking me over thoroughly and asking lots of questions, he said he was extremely pleased with my recovery. He released me to return home to San Antonio.
Having lost so much time, we grabbed a quick lunch at a nearby sandwich shop and then climbed back into Zac’s truck.
Every second that brought me closer to seeing Mother made the air denser until I found myself struggling to pull oxygen into my lungs.
It took almost half an hour to reach the nursing facility in Shawnee Mission, Kansas. Tucked back from the street behind an expansive lawn, the large building looked pleasant enough on the outside. It was made of yellow brick, with wings extending from the guest entrance in a large central structure.
Unable to absorb many details as I walked up to the curved counter in the lobby, I was vaguely aware that everything was brightly polished and cheerily sinister in its fake optimism.
“Hello. I called yesterday,” I explained to the older woman with dyed red hair at the desk. She wore a tag that read Dolores in large letters. She listened with the exaggerated patience of someone who routinely dealt with the petulant elderly. “I’m here to see my mother, Jacqueline Chandler.”
“Yes,” she said. “I saw the note in her file. She’s doing better this afternoon. We’re very pleased she has a visitor.” I flinched at the censure her comment carried.
As we signed in, I had a disturbing thought. With Father in hiding, would he continue to pay the facility for her care? The place was probably very expensive, and I doubted I would be able to manage the bill. Thinking that further emotional strain would break me, I decided to deal with it later and pressed it out of my mind.
Dolores led us down a quiet corridor to an open lounge area. Soda machines droned softly in an alcove. One gnarled and wrinkled man sat alone at a sturdy table in a corner, waiting with a vacant gaze. A woman sat at the other end of the room in an overstuffed chair with her back to us. Her head was barely visible.
Hesitating briefly, I summoned all the strength I had left and walked over to sit in the chair facing her. The first thing that hit me was how much she’d aged. Her hair was sparse and interwoven with white. Her skin was dull and sagged at her jawline. Wrinkles radiated out from her thin lips. Noticeable bags under her eyes were tinted bluish beneath transparent skin. There was nothing left of her former attractiveness. She eyed me with an expression both calculating and wary.
“Hello, Madisen,” she said without inflection.
“Hello, Mother...”
~~~
To my chagrin, the day I returned to San Antonio had arrived.
After staying in bed as long as possible to postpone my departure, I’d scrambled to get ready and had to gather up my things in a hurry.
As Zac drove to the airport, I clutched my coffee cup as if it were a lifeline. I counted down our seconds together until my flight, growing more and more depressed. I never would have dreamed I could be so sad to leave someone behind.
In an attempt to reassure myself of his feelings for me, I reran the scenes of our lovemaking from the past few days: in the shower on my knees in front of Zac, using my mouth to drive him crazy; Zac standing behind me, buried deep and teasing me with his talented fingers as I begged; with my knees on either side of his head as he took me further and higher, lying back and lapping to his heart’s content.
Each time we made love, I felt our link grow stronger until the bond became indestructible. That morning, however, he’d appeared to be oblivious to my despair over our rapidly approaching separation. He was usually in tune to my moods. I didn’t want to let my insecurities overpower me, yet I truly feared he was indifferent to us being apart. Maybe he’d changed his mind about wanting a relationship after all, and this would be our final goodbye. You should’ve known better than to get involved, Madisen. You’re such an idiot.
My attention wandered to our visit with my mother the day before, and I firmly squashed the memory. Zac and I had reached an implicit agreement that we wouldn’t discuss it.
What she’d revealed was locked in a vault that would never be unsealed or recounted to anyone.
The hum of the engine seemed to mock me. My spirits sank lower and lower until I almost unraveled with concern. I was miserable by the time we drove into the airport complex.
“You took a wrong turn,” I said. “This is the long-term parking lot.” He didn’t say anything, throwing me a rascally grin as he rolled down the window and grabbed the ticket that allowed the automatic gate to swing up. “What are you doing?” He still wouldn’t speak. I resigned myself to waiting until he was ready to offer an explanation.
He guided the truck into a space and hopped out to open my door. When he reached into the bed, he pulled out my suitcases along with one I didn’t recognize.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“My duffle bag,” he said. “I’m taking a trip. Going to San Antonio. As a matter of fact, I got a ticket on your flight.”
I was rendered completely incapable of speech. I must have worn a totally incredulous look, because Zac laughed at my astonishment.
“I’ve got some job interviews,” he offered.
“What…? I don’t und—. I mean…,” I faltered. “You would do that? Leave your home…? Your family? Leave everything behind? For me?” I couldn’t get my brain to reboot.
“Yep.” He smiled.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I shrieked.
“I wasn’t sure how you’d take it. You didn’t seem to want to talk about leaving, so I took matters into my own hands. I hope you’re not upset with me.”
I launched myself at him and almost knocked him over. He dropped the bags and caught me with a stumble as I wrapped my legs around his waist and clasped him in a hug. He chuckled as I kissed him all over his face.
“By the way,” he said, “I have a friend I could stay with. I don’t want to impose. She recently spent a few weeks in her hometown and might be tired of dealing with the people who live there. I’m not sure I would be welcome.”
“Oh,” I replied, still kissing him with glee. “I think she’d be very happy to see someone from the place she grew up. Especially if that someone comes with certain benefits.” I beamed.
He flashed a wicked smile. “Are you a member of the mile-high club?” he asked in a sexy voice, as he set me on my feet.
“No, as a matter of fact I’m not,” I said.
“That’s something we’ll have to remedy right away.” We picked up the scattered luggage, and he grabbed my fingers. I trotted to keep up with his purposeful strides toward the shelter where we’d catch a van to the terminal.
“Yes, we will,” I agreed. “Yes, we will.”
Chapter 35
“HELLO, MADISEN.”
“Hello, Mother. How are you?”
She nodded in answer to my question, then glanced at Zac. “Good afternoon, Zac.” I hadn’t told the staff he was coming. He couldn’t conceal his curiosity that she seemed to be expecting him.
“Hello, Mrs. Chandler,” he answered.
“They told me you were coming today, Madisen,” she said calmly. “But I already knew both of you would be here. Angeline told me.”
Wow.
I didn’t know how to respond to that, so didn’t address it. “I wanted to see you while I was back. I came for Cecilia’s funeral,” I explained lamely. “She had cancer.”
“I always liked Cecilia. She was good with you girls.”
We lapsed into silence. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves.
“I wanted to say that I’m very sorry Angeline was taken from you. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for a mother to lose her favorite child.” I hadn’t planned to say that; the phrases dropped ready-made out of my mouth.
Her eyes softened in gratitude as if she’d waited all these years for me to recognize her pain. She gave me a look filled with more love and tenderness than I’d ever received from her.
Joy poured through me. I felt like a child at Christmas whose biggest wish had been granted. The rare gift filled me with dizzy optimism.
“I should’ve told you sooner,” I said. I leaned forward and put my hand over hers.
“I tried not to, you know I did,” she said. “I couldn’t help it. I did love her more. She was so beautiful. You were plain and boyish. Graceless and clumsy.” She frowned.
Her comment stung me deeply. My elation dispersed as suddenly as it had arrived. I mentally shook off my disappointment. Time to get to the reason I was here.
“Mother,” I went on as gently as I could, “I know Father loved Angeline, too. Did you ever think it was too much?” She didn’t respond, so I pushed on. “Did he go too far? Was he inappropriate sometimes?”
The Art of Going Home (The Art of Living series Book 1) Page 17