Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

  “I’m sorry, Ray. I guess I can’t blame you for wanting someone to, uh, take care of your needs.” I covered his hands with mine.

  “And DeeDee’s all right. She won’t tell a soul. That’s why we hang out together. She’s got the same issues with the gossip rags that I’ve got. Her room is two floors up. It was easy for her to sneak down here.” He rested his chin on my shoulder.

  “How convenient.” I heard myself go snarky and took a breath. Stupid. Ray could screw every woman in Los Angeles for all I cared. “I didn’t rip open her throat, but I put on a pretty scary show. Valdez too.” I turned to face Ray.

  “I’ll just bet you did, vamp girl.” Ray bumped against me, his hands on the dresser on either side of me so that I was trapped, or not. My choice. “I’ve seen you in action against some serious bad guys, remember? A mere mortal female wouldn’t stand a chance.”

  “Exactly. I was actually holding back, but your ‘friend’ might not see it that way. So you may have to do some fast talking to get her to give you another shot.” I smiled and caught a drop of water that slid down one of his lean cheeks. He was flaunting himself again, standing close in nothing but a towel. Ray was beautiful, from his broad shoulders to his narrow hips and everywhere in between. Thanks to a bitch who’d decided that turning him vampire would be the perfect payback for a man who’d loved playing in the sun, Ray would look like this forever—tanned, toned and 100 percent every woman’s fantasy.

  I licked my lips, a reflex I immediately regretted when Ray grinned and bumped against me again. I glanced down at the invitation under the towel and felt a flush warm my cheeks.

  “I like you jealous. It’s hot. And you’d better block your thoughts, Glory girl.” His sapphire eyes sparkled. “You’re looking like you want to take up where DeeDee left off.”

  “Get over yourself, Caine. I was playing a part earlier. Outraged fiancée. Now that we’re alone, forget it.” I put my hand on his bare chest and gave him a gentle shove to give me some space. “I’ve been more than satisfied tonight. Maybe you’d better see if DeeDee will give you another chance, though I wouldn’t drink from her again. She needs some recovery time.” I yawned and stretched. “I feel the sunrise coming, though.”

  “So do I and I don’t do quickies. I like to take my time.” He grinned, a wicked twinkle in his eyes. “I imagine I can talk DeeDee back into bed eventually. She and I have a really good time together. You and I could too if you just let me show you my moves.” He slid one finger along my collar-bone.

  I smiled and grabbed his hand. “Give Blade some credit. I am a woman well loved. Very well loved.” I yawned again. “Now I’m going to throw on my gown and crawl into bed. Would you let in Valdez? I want to say something to him before I conk out.”

  “Only to tell him to stay the hell in the living room during the day. He’s supposed to guard the door, but I think he climbs in right between us as soon as we close our eyes. I swear these pillows smell like dog when I wake up. I haven’t forgotten that he’s really a man, you know.” Ray walked over to the bedroom door.

  “Hey, he’s protecting both of us. Something happens during the day? We’re golden. He’d die before he’d let harm come to either of us.” I had to admit, I’d thought V was staying in the living room. Weird if he was actually in the bed with us. I didn’t doubt that he could open and close doors, even in dog form. The shifter has some mad skills, not just shape-shifting either.

  “Yeah, yeah. I get it. But he can do that job just as well outside the door as in.” Ray threw open the bedroom door. “Okay, dog breath. Come in. I want to go over the rules with you.”

  “Listen, a-hole, you don’t make the rules. Glory does. And next time you want some nookie, take it upstairs. Glory doesn’t need to walk in on a scene like that, you hear me?” Valdez growled as he walked by Ray’s knees.

  “You’re right about that anyway. I wasn’t thinking.” Ray dropped his towel, grabbed a pair of silk boxers and stepped into them.

  “Not with the brain in your head anyway.”

  I left them bickering and headed for the bathroom where I’d hung my shapeless nightgown. I still had a queasy feeling in my stomach after realizing Ray had spent a night making love to another woman. And now I’d have to sleep on the same sheets. Yuck. And ouch. This was cruel and unusual. You know?

  “My schedule’s pretty full, Glory. Who is this guy anyway?” Ray polished off a bottle of CrimsonCrush, our latest find in the synthetic blood brands, while I paced the living room.

  I was embarrassed to admit it, but if Ian wanted to meet Ray, then I was going to have to drag my “fiancé” along. A call to the diet guru to set up the meeting had made it clear: no rocker, no interest in helping a Campbell’s woman. Damn.

  “He’s a vampire who has a special product I need. I really want to do this, Ray, but he won’t deal with me unless he gets to meet you. He’s a big fan.” I glanced at my watch. I had a pretty full schedule too. First, I was meeting with designers who were making a dress for me to wear on the red carpet at the Grammys. I was nervous. This was a big deal and I wasn’t a size zero.

  Ray’s publicist, Barry Donaldson, had arranged for me to be a guest judge for a segment on the design reality show Designed to Kill. The competitors would meet with me today to measure me and ask questions. All of this would be on camera, of course. If a vamp could dream, I would have been having nightmares about this. Imagine your measurements televised to millions. Somehow my waist, hip and thigh measurements were not going to be aired. Maybe there was a contract clause that Nathan could insist on. I looked around for Ray’s best friend and business manager and saw him coming out of his bedroom.

  “Nate, please, I need your help.”

  “Sure, Glory, but make it quick. I’ve got Grammy stuff to do tonight. They made an album of hits and Ray’s duet with Sienna Star was on it. It’s gone platinum and I want to make sure our cut of the money’s right on it.” Nathan was dressed in his usual Italian suit, silk tie and white shirt. Against his dark skin, it was a hot look and he usually had a beautiful woman on his arm. Oops, guess I got that right because here came one out of his bedroom, hopping on one foot while she stuck her other foot into a Louboutin pump. She grabbed Nathan’s arm to steady herself, kissed his cheek, then headed out without waiting to be introduced to the rest of us.

  Nate and Ray knocked fists while I just shook my head.

  “Who was that? She was gorgeous.” I really didn’t have time for idle chitchat, but Nathan, who grinned and paced in front of the big-screen TV, was obviously bursting to share.

  “Niki’s the coordinator for the cable network we talked about, Ray. I may have a deal for you, if you’re still interested in a music special.” Nate grabbed a bottle of water. “Now, Glory, what did you need?”

  “The designers are coming for this reality show. What rights do I have?” I hated how insecure I sounded. I mean, I’m a vampire. I could lay waste to the entire crew and just disappear and forget the whole thing. I glanced at Ray and Valdez when they both laughed.

  “Hey! This isn’t funny. I don’t want to be made to look ridiculous. This will be seen by millions of people. And it’s publicity for you, Israel Caine. Help me out here.”

  “Glory’s right. And tearing out the throats of an entire cast and crew of a major cable network show would make headlines, but maybe not the kind you’re looking for.” Ray threw his arm around my shoulders.

  Nathan looked alarmed. “Calm down, Glory. What’s got you so worked up?”

  “Look at me. These designers are going to come in and measure me. I don’t want those numbers blasted over the TV. I’m not stupid. Ray’s last hookup had a waist measurement smaller than that of my right thigh.” Valdez and Ray nodded and I gave them both “Go to hell” mental messages.

  “I’m sure that can’t be right.” Nate glanced at his friend, but Ray wisely kept his mouth shut.

  “I know how these shows operate, Nate.” I stopped just short of grabbing him
by the lapels and shaking him. “Don’t I have some kind of creative control?”

  Nate frowned and moved back a step. “Barry’s handling this. He didn’t bring me a contract other than a standard release form. I never realized you’d have”—he looked me over—“issues.”

  “You look great. Worse comes to worst, you and Ray whammy everyone here and plant new numbers in their pointy heads. Give you a waist like Scarlett O’Hara’s in Gone with the Wind if that’ll make you happy.” Valdez bumped against me.

  “Get a clue, Valdez. Then the dresses won’t fit.” I looked longingly at the bedroom and wondered if I could just lock myself in. Valdez planted himself in the doorway.

  “Caine, you’ve got to back up Glory on this. Stay here while this circus is going on. Make sure they treat her right.”

  “Sure, I’ll do what I can, but I don’t have all night. I’ve got rehearsals.” Ray jumped back when I glared at him. “Hey, babe, I get it. This is for me. As long as it takes. I’m here. But it will all be on tape. That might be a problem.”

  “Fix it so there were technical difficulties. Use your vampire skills. Just don’t kill anybody with them.” Nathan glanced at his watch. “Hell, you two can work this out. And these shows are run by professionals. Just speak up, Glory. Let them know up front how you want it to be or threaten to walk. I’ll deal with any legal fallout later if it comes to that.”

  “Those would be fun headlines: ‘Thighs Matter. Grammy Gown Used as Awning after Glory Waddles Away in Outrage. ’” I collapsed on the couch, ignoring Valdez, who’d buried his nose in a cushion to stifle his howls of laughter. Ray’s snort turned into a cough when he saw my stare in his direction.

  “As usual, you’re too hard on yourself. Am I right, Ray?” Nate smiled and patted my shoulder.

  Ray pulled himself together and nodded vigorously. “You’re perfect, Glory. I’ve never seen you waddle.” That gaffe earned him a gesture and sent Valdez into a roll across the floor.

  Nate gave my bodyguard a hard look. “Seriously. These people want to make you look good so they can win. The prize is a contract for a clothing line. I personally can’t wait to see the winning dress. I’m sure it’ll make you look hot. One warning, though. Make sure you and Ray are aware when they’re filming. There’s nothing these shows like more than to catch you off guard. You and Ray need to be 100 percent together, if you know what I mean.” Nate stared at Valdez. “And the dog needs to keep his trap shut.”

  “Hey, I know how to do my thing in public.” Valdez followed him to the door. “You should have done yours. What kind of manager doesn’t check the contracts? Glory should have had some say in how this was going down.”

  I heard the door close and sank down on the couch. Had I even dressed right for this? I wore what I considered slimming black jeans and an Ed Hardy tee. I wanted to look like a rocker’s woman. Not easy to do without a single piercing or tattoo. Been there, done that. Woke up after a day of healing sleep without either one. Bummer.

  “You look great, Glory. And I’ll do what I can to make sure they treat you right.” Ray sat beside me, then jumped up and gathered the CrimsonCrush bottles and tossed them in the trash in our bathroom before closing the door. Housekeeping had been in during the day and cleaned the suite’s living room, so we were ready when the knock came on the door.

  When Barry ushered in a cast of thousands (okay, slight exaggeration), I wanted to retreat to that bathroom and never come out. Not that Barry would have hesitated to call in the Jaws of Life to pull me out of there. All of it sure to be caught on film.

  First, we were introduced to Zia, a former model and hostess of the show. She was obviously a lot more than set decoration, though it didn’t take mind reading to see that Ray was admiring her perfect body and gorgeous face. We were both blond and blue-eyed with a generous bustline. I liked to think she was me, only six inches taller, twenty pounds lighter and with the blessings of the gods as far as beauty was concerned. Okay, so she wasn’t even close to being me.

  “Listen, people, let’s not waste Ray’s valuable time.” Of course she and Ray were already on a first-name basis. And my time? Not on her radar. She got us organized with the help of a pack of assistants and soon the contestants were firing questions at me.

  Valdez managed to be an immediate hit with the cast and crew, posing shamelessly for the camera as they bickered the way they do on these reality shows. The three finalists, two guys and a girl, were really into winning.

  “Glory, what’s your favorite color?” Melanie asked. She looked like she belonged with Ray more than I did. I admired her dragon tattoos. She had a hard time focusing on me and kept glancing at Ray and licking her pierced lip with her pierced tongue.

  “Red. And blue to go with my eyes, but I wear a lot of black. Because I think it’s slimming.” I ran my hands down my sides and hips in case the group missed the area I wanted to slim. We hadn’t measured yet. I was sick with dread.

  “Can we see your closet, Glory?” This from Butch, who wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

  “I didn’t bring a lot with me.” I glanced at Ray. The housekeepers had been allowed in to change the sheets fairly soon after sunset, so the bedroom was presentable. “Sure, come on.”

  This got everyone all excited and the gang trooped into the bedroom. My paltry offerings were brought out and examined.

  “You seem to like short skirts and low-cut tops.” Darren, the third finalist, was busy writing in a notebook. He seemed the most intense and had a no-nonsense vibe I liked.

  “She’s got great assets and knows how to use them.” Ray pulled me close to his side. “Glory always looks good. She’s an expert on fashion herself. You should see her store in Austin, Texas. Vintage Vamp’s Emporium. If you’re ever there, it’s on Sixth Street, a cool area surrounded by clubs and other funky shops. A great place to hang out and buy vintage clothes.”

  I gave Ray a kiss on the cheek. Could I have asked for a better commercial? Valdez pushed between us and I reached down to pat him on the head. We were the picture of one big happy family.

  Zia smiled and managed to pull Ray to her side. “And what would you like to see Glory wear, Israel Caine? This will be a big night for you.” She went on and on about Ray’s duet and the award he was up for. I could practically see his head grow three sizes.

  Finally he had a chance to answer. “Like I said, Glory looks good in anything.” He tucked me against him again. “But I really like it when she wears stuff that’s cut low in front.” He grinned into the camera. “My girl’s got great—”

  “Ray!” I put my hand over his mouth. “I think we’d better let the contestants and the audience figure that one out for themselves.” I felt him lick my palm and had to laugh. Zia’s smile looked painted on when Ray pulled my hand away.

  “I’m just sayin’. Anyone can see I’m a lucky man, darlin’.”

  “Well, thanks.” I kissed his cheek, then turned to the contestants. They were all writing in their notebooks. “Now, about the dress. I guess I should wear something long. But I’m anxious to see what you guys come up with.” I smiled at them. “I want to look fabulous, of course.” My smile froze when I saw a yellow measuring tape appear in each contestant’s hand.

  “Can we turn off the cameras for a moment?” Ray held up both hands, then pulled Zia to the side and began whispering to her. She frowned, but finally nodded.

  “Okay, people, we’re all going to wait in the living room while the contestants measure Glory in here. Off camera.” There were gasps from the crowd. “Ray’s going to give us an interview. We can use some of it for our promos for the show.” There was some murmuring, but the room cleared while I shot Ray a grateful look. Valdez stayed behind, of course. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to blast him out of there when I was surrounded by mortals he didn’t know.

  Melanie was first. She was brisk and efficient. I didn’t even see the numbers she wrote in her little notebook, but she measured everything, even my wrist
s. At least she didn’t gasp in horror but she did shake her head once and even clucked, I swear it. She caught herself and smiled, obviously remembering too late who was the judge here.

  “You have tiny wrists.” The suck-up smiled, her piercing clanking against her teeth. “Why no tats?”

  “I’m allergic to the dyes.” I’d prepared the story years ago. This wasn’t the first time the question had come up. “Tried it once.” I pointed to my bikini line. “You should see the scar. Never again.”

  “Too bad. Rockers dig tattoos.” Melanie wrote something in her notebook.

  I pulled a face. “Don’t I know it. Ray’s are awesome.”

  Melanie looked thoughtful as she slipped out of the bedroom and shut the door. I turned to Darren. “Are we done now? Can’t you people just share the measurements?”

  “No way.” Darren smiled coldly. “You think that bitch would give me the correct ones? Right now she’s copying the numbers and changing them in case I try to look at her notebook. She’ll have the real ones stashed someplace safe.” He whipped out his measuring tape, almost hitting me in the eye. “Hold still, now. I want to get this right. How high a heel can you walk in comfortably, Glory?”

  “Four inch, five in a pinch. I get shoes?” I felt his knuckles brush my nipples and glanced up to catch a gleam in his eyes. Valdez growled and I nudged him with my foot.

  “Of course you get shoes. What’s your favorite brand? You’ll also get an evening bag and jewelry for each outfit.” He reached around me to pull the tape around my waist.

  He was actually a nice-looking guy if you went for the grunge thing. He could use a haircut and shave, but the overall effect was nicely masculine. He also could have benefited from a gym membership. Of course his real appeal was the B positive thrumming through his veins. I slid my tongue over my fangs and ordered them to retreat. I’d had a bottle of synthetic earlier and wasn’t really hungry. But then, fresh . . .