Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

  “Thirteen pounds.” Ian wrote on his chart. “I think it’s time you went shopping, Glory, for smaller sizes. Good thing Florence is here. She says she’s an expert shopper.”

  “Glory, he’s right. Your pants are falling off of you. Your butt’s gone.” Brittany hugged me next. “Flo, quit reading that stuff and come see. Glory’s shrinking right before our eyes!”

  I heard a squeal, then I was enveloped in a hug that made my lungs hurt. Trina’s feeding had helped me a lot, but didn’t have the power a healing sleep would have. I still felt my stomach muscles, and every step reminded me I had painful issues with my feet.

  Ian smiled. “You’ve been an excellent client, Glory. Despite a few glitches, your weight loss has been truly remarkable. I should have asked you to do a video diary for me.”

  I shook my head. “No thanks, Ian. From what I saw of Sarah’s, those things are, uh, a little too revealing.”

  He shrugged. “Too late for that now anyway. But look, I have a little gift for you. And you too, Florence.” He walked over and pulled what seemed to be two thin white laptops out of his bag.

  “What are these?” I took one and Flo the other.

  “I don’t like computers, Ian. Since Richard has learned to work with them, that’s all he wants to do. Google, Google, Google.” Flo made a face. “I hate this Google man.”

  I wasn’t too excited about a computer either. I used one for my business. “Flo, Google’s not a man; he’s a search engine.”

  Flo gave me a blank look.

  Ian grinned. “Just push the button and open it, Glory. You’ll see, Florence. You’ll love this.”

  I pushed a button and the thing popped open. It looked like a regular laptop but without the keyboard. “What is this?”

  “Turn it on here.” Ian pushed a red button. “Hold it up like this. Now look into it.”

  “Oh, wow!” It was like looking into a mirror. I showed it to Flo. “Check it out, Flo.”

  “It’s me. Che bella, eh, Glory? Why didn’t you tell me I have lipstick on my teeth?” She began scrubbing with her finger. “You made one of these for me?” She held it up and smiled. “I love it! How you do it?”

  “It’s basically a webcam with a high-resolution color monitor.” Ian popped the other one open and handed it to me since clearly Flo wasn’t letting go of the one she had. She’d pulled out her makeup bag and went to work on her eyeliner.

  I smiled at my video and it smiled back. Cool. This was a serious breakthrough and I was temporarily mesmerized. I’d already realized Ian was brilliant, but he’d just moved up to idol status in my book. I tore myself away from myself and carefully closed the thing.

  “This is an amazing gift. I don’t get it, Ian. First all this personal attention and now this. What’s up?”

  “Come on, Glory. Mr. Caine paid for first-class service. That’s what you’re getting. I’d think you’d be used to it.” Ian just kept smiling.

  “Sure I am.” Yeah, right. “But this”—I hugged my new toy—“is way more than service.”

  “I like you, Glory. And I figure your success is going to bring me more business when your vampire friends see you on TV at the Grammys. Consider this a thank-you gift.” He nodded toward Flo, who’d moved on to renewing her lipstick. “My products are expensive and I cater to an affluent clientele. It’s clear that’s the kind of company you keep. Just spread the word that you were satisfied with my program and I’ll be more than repaid for that bit of nonsense.”

  “You call this nonsense?” Flo finally shut her “mirror” gently. “It’s fantastico! I must have at least two more. No, make that three. Can I order them in colors?” Flo’s eyes glowed as she pulled out a credit card. “Please, signore, tell me you will sell me more.”

  Ian winked at me as if to say his marketing ploy was paying off already, then began to answer Flo’s questions. After taking her order and measuring me (inches gone everywhere—wow!), he and his minions finally left and I went to put my “mirror” in a safe place. I also sighed with relief we’d made it through without Jerry showing up. Where was he, though? Plotting Ian’s takedown? And was he staying away because he was too busy or still furious with me for consorting with his enemy?

  I sat on the side of the bed and stuffed my poor feet into high heels, biting back a scream. I couldn’t let Jerry kill Ian. Not after the MacDonald genius had helped me lose an incredible thirteen pounds! Too bad that once I got off Ian’s stuff, those pounds would be right back where they thought they belonged.

  Damn. Three days until the red carpet and the Grammys. I opened Ian’s “mirror” and tried to see as much of myself as I could. God, I loved this new body. What if I wanted to keep it permanently? Yeah, right.

  I looked at the bottles of supplements Ian had left for me. They scared the hell out of me. Exercise, dangerous nightmares, sleepwalking and who knew what effects from this new brew he’d given me to try. Could I abuse my body like that forever? And how much would a maintenance program cost me? I was an independent working girl who planned to break up with one rich man and had probably already burned her bridge with another one.

  Oh, and if that Campbell guy managed to kill the MacDonald one? Then the vamp magic for weight loss would die with him. Now, there was a reason to end a feud if I ever heard one. I needed to call Jerry and do something to rebuild that bridge. But what? This was one problem that I was afraid even my sexiest moves couldn’t fix.

  Eleven

  “I canceled my workout session with Bill. I decided I don’t need it after that run with Trina.” I headed for the elevators with Flo.

  “So right, girlfriend. It was never a good idea. What’s that kind of thing going to get you?” She punched the down button. “Pain, you said. Ian’s program is working. That’s all you need.” She grinned. “I can’t believe how much weight you lost so fast. We celebrate. Buy you something pretty. My treat.”

  The elevator doors opened and we both jumped back. Jerry and Richard stood there and neither of them wore happy faces.

  “Amante!” Flo moved first, pulling Richard out of the elevator car and into the hallway. “What are you doing here?”

  “I got your message. What the hell are you doing tackling Ian MacDonald on your own?” He looked up and down the hall like he was checking for lurking MacDonald guards to take down.

  “We weren’t on our own, eh, Valdez, Brittany?” Flo waved her hand at my two guards. “And, as you can see, we’re perfectly fine. Glory had her treatment and we’re on our way to shop. Look at her. Isn’t she tiny?”

  Richard did look but didn’t seem overwhelmed.

  “Forget shopping. We need to talk.” Jerry took my arm and pulled me toward the suite.

  “Isn’t that my line?” I jerked free. “No need to get physical. Why don’t we start over? You say, ‘Hi, Glory. How are you?’ I answer, ‘Oh, I’ll live. But, gee, Jerry, last time we saw each other you practically called me an idiot. Then you didn’t bother to call, just showed up here and started throwing your muscle around. What’s the deal?’ ”

  “Sorry if you don’t like my approach, Gloriana.” Jerry glanced at Richard, who’d obviously sent him a mental warning that this approach wasn’t too swift either.

  I just stood there, tapping my aching toe and waiting for him to get a clue.

  Flo studied her nails. “Is this going to take long? Glory needs to try on some things for her new little size.” She grinned at me. “Major fun, eh, mia amica?”

  “A lot more fun than standing here in the hall.” I glanced at Valdez and Brittany, then back at Jerry. “Do I have to ask you again? Guess so. What’s the deal, Jerry?”

  “Okay, okay, look.” He gently put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m worried about you. We have information on MacDonald that you should know. May we come in?”

  “Now that you asked like a gentleman, sure. This had better be good, though. I’ve had a rough night.” I used my key card and we all trooped back inside. Obviously shopping was out
for now. And I really wanted to see what size I could fit into now. One look at Jerry’s firm jaw and serious face, and I knew his information wasn’t going to make me happy.

  “What was rough about it?” Jerry was close beside me. “Did that bastard hurt you?”

  “No, just made me exercise my butt off, literally.” I turned around and showed him. “Totally worth it.” I wanted to scream when he barely glanced at what I’d sweated so hard for. “Fine, so you don’t care. Just sit. Tell us what you found out.”

  I collapsed in a chair on the opposite side of the room from Jerry. I didn’t like his attitude. Maybe because I was afraid he was going to tell me something that would bring me down from my high. Can you blame me? Hey, I was feeling skinny and pumped from Trina’s donation. It had been the best one yet, because we’d both done all that exercise. For a moment I toyed with the idea of getting my own mortal pet. If I could endure a run and stair climb with one every night, I could at least keep off a few pounds . . .

  I realized everyone was staring at me. “What?”

  “I asked you a question. Didn’t you hear me?”

  “No, guess I spaced. I’m still pretty jazzed. I’ve lost a total of thirteen pounds. Damn it, this time really look at me!” I stood and turned around, showing off the way my jeans bagged and almost slid off my hips. I even lifted my T-shirt so he could see my rib cage. Yep, my ribs were almost showing.

  “Enough, Glory. Richard, look away.” Flo waved at me to lower my shirt.

  “Relax, darling. I know Glory is just a friend. This really is a remarkable loss in such a short time.” Richard frowned. “But you know it can’t last. Just like quick losses don’t last for mortals. It’s not safe either.”

  “I don’t want to hear that!” I stomped my foot. Ouch.

  “Whether you want to hear it or not, it’s true.” Jerry leaned forward. “Sit down and listen.”

  “I’ll sit because my feet hurt. Not because you ordered me to.” I sat. The guys sounded achingly like me talking to Trina earlier. She hadn’t wanted to hear bad news either. Shit.

  “I found some of Ian’s success stories. Men and women who were on his supplements and did his program.” Richard pulled a small notebook out of his shirt pocket. “Did Caine ever tell you what he paid for you to do this, Glory?”

  “No, he just put it on a credit card.” I heard Jerry and Valdez make a noise. “I offered to reimburse him! But he wouldn’t allow it. Valdez, you were there. You heard it all. Ray said he just wanted me to be happy.” I arched my brow at Jerry, like maybe this was more than he’d ever done. Which was a lie and mean-spirited but felt good anyway. “Besides, we’ll be on TV worldwide at the Grammys. It’s publicity. Ray can probably take the cost off his income tax.”

  “That’ll be interesting for his accountant to deal with.” Richard shook his head. “Anyway, it’s ridiculously expensive. I know you couldn’t afford it on your own, Gloriana.”

  “My business—”

  “Is successful enough to support you and pay overhead with maybe a little left over.” Richard smiled. “You forget. I helped you with your taxes for the shop last quarter.”

  “Oh, yeah.” I’ve always worked for a living and never had much of a cushion. The fact that my ancient car had recently died meant that had to be my next big financial investment.

  “Get to the point, amante.” Flo pulled out Ian’s brochure. “The man’s a genius. You should see some of the things he advertises. I’m interested in trying some of them myself. Obviously he’s not just, how you say it, blowing smoke. Look at our girlfriend Glory here.”

  “Hand that to me.” Richard grabbed it. “He gave this to you, my heart?” Unspoken was a “How dare he?”

  “Yes.” Flo’s eyes flashed. “And I can get another if I need it.” She snatched it back. “Now, tell us what you have on him.”

  “Fine.” Richard gave his wife a “we’ll deal with this later” look. “His program costs a fortune. Then once clients are hooked, they have to buy his supplements or the weight comes right back on.”

  “I expected that. Just like a mortal weight-loss program.” I got up and walked over to the couch. “Let me see the brochure, Flo. Does it say how much the supplements cost?” I quickly found the price list and gasped. No way could I handle it on my own. I used all my willpower to keep from ripping the paper to shreds.

  “Was he telling the truth when he said I was the only one who had the weird reactions to the supplements?” I tossed the brochure back to Flo.

  “Yes, none of them had a problem with them. Just the price. So now 90 percent of them, except for a few of the very rich, are back to their starting weight.” Richard looked me over. “Ian’s got some bitter enemies out there, Glory. He isn’t exactly up front about the cost of the maintenance program.”

  “No, he wouldn’t be. But it’s pretty much the same way for mortals, isn’t it? If you go on a special program, then go off, you usually gain what you’ve lost right back, sometimes even more. At least vamps can’t do that.” I was defending him. I could see Jerry struggling to keep his mouth shut. But to hear me back a MacDonald had to make him insane.

  “Fine. So you’re okay with the fact that you’ve been sucked into this, will look good for one event, then it’s the old Glory, right back where you started.” Richard turned the page in his notebook.

  “I’m not okay. I’m just realistic. So far all this drama adds up to exactly zilch as far as I’m concerned. Time to go shopping, Flo.” I turned to Jerry. “Unless Jerry’s got something else. Surely you don’t expect me to join in your feud because of my disappointment.”

  “I told you, I’m worried about you. And Richard asked me to come. So I came. Hear him out.” Jerry crossed one leg over his knee and leaned back.

  “We saw that video about Ian’s sunlight drug. I tried to follow up on that too. To see if any vampires have tried it and lived to tell the tale.”

  Jerry and Flo leaned forward. Uh-oh. A lot of interest there. Well, why not? Maybe Ian could make it happen. But I doubted Jerry would ever be able to bring himself to trust a MacDonald’s daylight drug even if a thousand vampires showed Jer their sunburns.

  I glanced at Valdez. “Did you find any?”

  “No. I took that to the Los Angeles Council. They were very interested in Ian’s claims. They’ll be calling on him to check it out.” Richard narrowed his gaze on me. “Tell me about your nightmares, Gloriana. You’re not sleeping when you should. That tells me you might actually wake up during daylight hours.”

  I waved my hand and kept the giant block to my thoughts firmly in place. “Dreams, Richard. It’s kind of cool, even when they’re scary.” I smiled at Jerry. “I dreamed your mother and Mara were burning me at the stake for being a witch. And you couldn’t have cared less.”

  “Nonsense. I’ll always care what happens to you, Gloriana, even when you’re wrongheaded.” Jerry looked at Valdez. “Does she move when she dreams?”

  “I’m not in her bedroom, Blade. I stay out here, guarding the door.” Valdez had effectively avoided the answer without telling an out-and-out lie.

  “Ian said she was sleep deprived.” Flo spoke up. “And during what he calls the ‘death sleep,’ she didn’t heal like she was supposed to. What does that mean, Ricardo?”

  “I don’t know. But I don’t like it.” Richard frowned, pulled out a pen and wrote in his notebook. “How do you feel now, Gloriana?”

  “I feel great. I fed from a mortal who ran twenty miles with me and then we both climbed twenty-two flights of stairs. I’ve lost all this weight and I’m skinny for the first time in my life. Why wouldn’t I feel great? Now, can we forget the third degree? Flo and I are going shopping.” I jumped up. If Jerry wasn’t going to apologize or do something to show me he accepted my decisions, then I was out of here. Instead he just kept frowning at me, like he thought my baggy pants and loose T-shirt were evidence of my disloyalty.

  “I’m with you, girlfriend. We’ll be downstairs in
the lobby shops, Ricardo. You can come with us or wait here or go do your investigating.” Flo stopped in front of Richard, who’d jumped to his feet along with Jerry. She kissed his cheek. “Seriously, amante. We just spent the evening with Ian and his thugs and no one got hurt. Valdez and Brittany? Can you back me up on that?” Clearly Flo had decided to forget the incident with the pencil.

  “I don’t like the man. Just a gut feeling. And his bodyguards are stupid, but no one tried anything we couldn’t handle.” Valdez dropped his leash at my feet, obviously figuring if Flo was all right with the pencil incident, then he wasn’t going to mention it either. “I’m watching her with MacDonald, boss. Brit’s got you on speed dial if we run into a situation where we need you.”

  “You call me immediately then.” Jerry stepped closer and looked down at me. “Your face is thinner, Gloriana. You look tired. Let me taste your blood again.”

  “Fine. But Ray checked it when we woke up and it was okay.” I held out my wrist. “See for yourself.”

  Jerry’s eyes darkened, then he pressed his lips to my skin. Finally, he took a taste, the pressure lasting only a moment. He pulled back and licked his lips.

  “No problem, you’re fine. Better than.” He leaned down as if he couldn’t help himself and kissed me, then pulled me to him and held me tight as he delved deep and laid claim to my mouth.

  I melted against him. I couldn’t help myself either. This was Jerry, my Jerry, and I felt my usual response to his taste and his touch. Richard cleared his throat and we broke apart.

  “I’ll call you later.” Jerry turned and followed Richard out the door.

  I looked at Flo. “Well. I don’t know whether he’s still mad at me or not.”

  “Oh, he’s still mad, but he’ll get over it. Go fix your lipstick, then let’s go shopping. I think you can fit into a six, girlfriend. See if you don’t.” Flo pulled out her own lipstick. “Richard’s mad at me too. I have to work hard to bring him around because I want to buy something from Ian. The man’s a magician, no? Look at you. And in just a few days.”