Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

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Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs Page 22

by Gerry Bartlett


  “I’m sorry, Melanie, but I’ve been dieting. Obviously you’re going to have to take it in a few inches.” I hid a smile, not a bit sorry, as I held the front together enough for modesty.

  The crew grinned when they realized they were going to have to bleep some of Melanie’s comments.

  “I can’t believe you lost so much weight in four days. What kind of shit have you been smokin’, lady?” She flushed when she remembered I was the judge. “Uh, I mean, you look great. Wish I could lose that fast.” She whipped out a pin cushion and started pinning. “No problem, I can fix this.” More muttering. “What do you think about the shoulder pads? I took a risk there.”

  “Yes, they’re, uh, different.” I reached up and felt them. They crunched. What had she stuffed them with? Foam peanuts?

  Tears filled her eyes. “You hate them.”

  “I didn’t say that. I think they probably make my waist look smaller. And Ray will appreciate the star motif.” I winced when she jabbed me with a pin under one arm. “Uh, I’ll be letting him help me decide the winner.”

  “Oh, wow, Israel Caine. Maybe I need more stars.” Jab, jab. Melanie wiped her eyes. “Does he like football? This was kind of an homage to the game.” She pointed to the shoulders in case I didn’t get it.

  “Loves it. Never misses a game on TV. He and the band are addicted.” I smiled into the camera, then realized how that could be taken out of context and show up on a tabloid cover. “To football. Sports of all kinds, but they love football. We had a great Super Bowl party back in Austin.”

  “Yeah, well, bigger shoulders and your waist will look freakin’ tiny by comparison.” Melanie held out the shoulders and squinted at me. “But might be too much.”

  “You’re the designer.” I had visions of having to turn sideways to get through doors. “Thanks, Melanie. Guess I’d better get out of this and see what Butch has come up with now. Good luck.” I picked up the skirt.

  “Wait!” Melanie darted around in front of me. “When the sleeves and bodice are tight, you’ll see what I was trying to do with the sheer printed fabric.” She sighed. “Oh well, just wait till tomorrow night. It’ll be a surprise.”

  “Great. Can’t wait.” I walked carefully to the bedroom, pins stabbing me every step of the way. I did love the silver sandals that had a designer label and fit like a dream. The earrings and necklace were great too. I should have mentioned those things. Oh, well, I’d do better for designer number two on the accessories. I got back into my clothes, my wonderful size-six skinny jeans, and headed back to the club chair.

  Butch came in next. He was practically skipping, he was so excited, and I suspected he was on something other than just adrenaline.

  “Glory, oh, stand up, lady. Look at you. What have you done?” He turned me around so the camera could get a good shot. “You’ve been dieting, you bad girl. I’ll have to take in this fabulous dress.”

  I couldn’t stop grinning. “Afraid so. But this is a big event for me, Butch, so I’ve been working hard to get in shape.”

  “I can see that, girlfriend. So I won’t mind taking a tuck here and there one little bit.” He whipped the cover off his dress, then let me look my fill while he pulled out shoes, bag and accessories.

  “Wow.” I was almost speechless. Butch had chosen black for me, my favorite color when I’m trying to look skinny. Now that I was a six, I’d look positively waiflike in it. Hmm. Not a bad thought. This black dress was made of a sheer chiffon over nude lace that plunged front and back. The thin straps were rhinestone. Too bad the whole thing looked like a naughty nightie for a circus elephant. My new, slim body would be lost in the yards and yards of fabric.

  “Black is good. I have a lot of black in my wardrobe.” I turned. Uh-oh. My lack of enthusiasm had crushed his spirit. “Let me try it on. I want to feel how it moves.”

  “Thanks, Glory. Give it a chance. I believe it will make you feel like the beautiful woman you are.” He carried the dress to the bedroom where he had a brief discussion with the assistant because apparently it was hard to tell the front from the back of his creation. I did like the way the dress felt. The fabric floated away from my body and rhinestone tassels dangled from the deep vee at the neckline and moved when I walked.

  “Love the shoes.” I stepped outside and walked over to the windows. They were rhinestone sandals. “And the bag.” A vintage silver clutch that I would have liked to sell in my shop.

  “But it’s huge on you.” He sniffled and wiped his eyes, then pulled out some jewelry. “I hope you like what I arranged for you to have from a famous Hollywood jeweler to go with the dress.” Butch put a fabulous sapphire and diamond drop around my neck and matching sapphire earrings in my ears.

  “Oh, wow!” I felt like a princess. I really, really wished for Ian’s “mirror.” “I’ll definitely keep all this in mind. But, you’re right—it’s too big, Butch.” I held the blousy fabric away from my body. “Uh, everywhere.”

  “I can take it in.” He started rooting around in his bag.

  “I’ll be honest, Butch. I’m just not sure it’s new. Something I haven’t seen before.”

  “No!” He turned around, a giant pair of scissors in his hand, and aimed them straight at my heart.

  A blur of fur flew through the air and knocked him on his butt. The scissors landed on the carpet a few feet away.

  “Help!” Butch screamed when Valdez sat on his chest, growling and snapping an inch from his nose.

  I held my breath, afraid my bodyguard was going to start asking questions. I grabbed the scissors.

  “Butch, are you okay?” Stupid question. The designer sobbed and had covered his face with both hands. “Valdez, no!”

  No one else in the room moved. Well, except for Zia, who’d hopped on the couch and had pushed three assistants in front of her like a human fence. She held two of them by their hair.

  “This is why I have a cat, Glory.” She wobbled and almost went over the back of the couch.

  I ignored her and her poor assistants’ screeches of pain and pulled on Valdez’s collar, but he wasn’t ready to move. “Animal instinct, Butch. Valdez must have thought you were threatening me with these scissors. What were you going to do with them?”

  Butch finally peeked between two fingers. “Can’t . . . breathe.”

  Of course no one else had the nerve to get near Valdez, not when he barked and snapped again, this time drawing blood when his teeth grazed Butch’s fingers. I felt my fangs swell and had to fight the feeling. So not the time for that. Too bad Butch had a tasty type. Down, Glory.

  “Oh, my God!” Butch wailed from behind his hands. “He’s going to eat me.”

  “Someone call 911!” Zia clearly was antidog. “Or animal control.”

  I wanted to give her a look that should have melted the lacquer off her manicured nails but had to admit my guy was overreacting. Please. Butch as vampire slayer? I don’t think so.

  “Calm down, Zia. I’m handling this. Seriously, do not call anyone. Or this show will not go on.” I swept the room with an icy stare and heard several cell phones snap shut. “Thank you.” I turned back to my problem child. I’d already sent him a mental message to back off, which he’d ignored. Apparently he wanted his TV moment.

  “Damn it, Valdez, get off of him!” I gave his collar a serious jerk.

  “Ooo!” The crowd was impressed when V stepped back. Of course he just had to put his foot down where it would inflict maximum pain and Butch shrieked, rolling to his side and into the fetal position as soon as he was free.

  “Butch, the scissors?” I finally noticed the red light that meant the camera was on. Of course this was too good to miss.

  “C-c-culottes.” Butch whimpered.

  “What?” I shoved Valdez behind me and knelt beside the designer.

  “I thought if I cut the skirt and t-t-turned it into culottes it would be f-f-fresh.” Sob. “And added a belt.” More sobbing.

  “Culottes! Brilliant. Yes, I could go
for those.” I patted his shoulder and eventually got him up and on his feet. Camera still rolling. But someone would have to do some serious editing or this would end up a two-hour special instead of the usual hour show. It took two assistants to get Butch out to the hallway. Especially when he finally calmed down enough to ask for his scissors back. That request sent Valdez into another barking frenzy.

  I passed them to a woman, obviously one of Zia’s victims, whose ponytail looked a lot worse for wear. “Tell Butch to leave them at home when he comes back.” I glanced at Valdez, who’d managed to keep one of Butch’s shoes and was ripping the sole off of it. “Please tell Butch to send me a bill for a new pair of shoes.” I grimaced for the ever-present camera. “Valdez is usually so well behaved. I’m thinking it must be something he ate.” I frowned at V. “We’ve been spoiling him. Ordering from room service. He needs a more restricted diet.”

  “I’m thinking a muzzle.” Zia eased behind the couch when Valdez growled. “Now, let’s get a move on people. Where’s the next victim—er, I mean designer?”

  Darren strode in with his garment bag and a small suitcase. “You know, I’m kind of scared to come in here. Butch is out there crying and carrying on about how the dog ate his shoe and nearly took his arm off.” He stopped dead when he saw me and frowned. “Whoa, Glory. Didn’t anyone tell you you’re not allowed to change during the production of this show?”

  “No.” I grinned because he looked so serious. “And, relax. Unless you plan to attack me, Valdez won’t bother you.”

  He grinned back. “No, I’m not that stupid. I know who’s doing the judging. You’re looking great, by the way. But you just blew my design all to hell. I’m going to be up all night fixing this thing because the fit is very important.” He sighed and hung up his bag. “Take a look.”

  I really wanted to like it because I liked Darren. But he’d picked red. Now, I love red. But it had two strikes against it. First, I’d had that nightmare and Mara and I’d both been in red dresses. Second, and the real reason not to pick red, it’s a red carpet. Hello? I do not want to disappear into the carpet. Or worse, be just a shade off. You know? You have to be contrasting or complementing the carpet, not part of the stupid thing.

  The dress was beautiful. Red silk, again cut low because Ray had made a big deal about showing off my assets. The shimmer and shine almost made up for the color choice. And the way the dress would hug my new smaller curves would be a thing of beauty. Too bad I simply couldn’t see myself in that dress. I said nice things, though. Loved the shoes and bag he’d picked. And laughed when I found out that Butch wasn’t the only one with the genuine jewels from a Hollywood jeweler. It was a deal with all the designers that they were on loan for the event.

  Finally, we were done and the designers hurried back to their studio to do the alterations. The film crew was packing up when the curtains parted and a production assistant screamed.

  “Who the hell is that and where did he come from?” The producer picked up a light stand like he was prepared to defend me from a cat burglar. “Why isn’t the dog attacking him?”

  “Relax, folks. This is a friend of ours. We have adjoining balconies.” I walked over and smiled at a glowering Jerry. Valdez was right beside me as he’d been most of the night.

  “I didn’t think—”

  “You’re not paid to think, Daphne. Just finish packing and let’s get out of here. We’re already over budget with all this night shooting. No more overtime this month. Got it?” The producer shooed the group to the door. “Thanks, Ms. St. Clair. We’ll see you tomorrow night for the big finish. Be sure Mr. Caine is here. Eight o’clock sharp.”

  “Right.” I crossed my fingers. I’d have to make sure that happened. I hadn’t even checked Ray’s schedule yet. Finally the last of them left and I shut the door.

  “Well, Jerry, that was a dramatic entrance. You scared that poor girl to death.”

  “Your cell phone was off.” Jerry looked around. I had a feeling that any stray mortal would be sorry.

  “Had no choice. We were filming.” I sighed and sat again, then kicked off my shoes.

  “Still hurting?” He squatted down and picked up my foot. “Need a foot rub?”

  “I wouldn’t turn one down. But I actually healed last night. I’m okay.” I smiled when he massaged the ball of my foot. “Mmm, that’s wonderful. Do the other one too.”

  “It’s those damned high heels.” He switched feet.

  “Yes, but they’re sexy, aren’t they?” I wiggled my toes.

  “Yes, but so are your bare feet.” He dropped my foot and stood. “Are you seeing MacDonald tonight?”

  So much for the niceties. “No, just his mortal. She should be here in”—I glanced at my watch—“about half an hour.”

  “Are you still drinking MacDonald’s swill?” Jerry paced around the piano, then walked over to pull open the drapes.

  “I drank the bedtime stuff, but not the new one he gave me for when I wake up. I was thinking of drinking it now.”

  He turned around and looked at me. “Don’t. Brittany gave Flo that syringe that Ian tried to use on you last night. Richard’s having it analyzed.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine, Jerry.” I slipped on my shoes and stood.

  “You are? Why? Because everything he’s given you has made you feel so fine?” Jerry frowned at me. “Richard took it to the Council here. They have excellent facilities on call and they’re very interested now in MacDonald’s operation.”

  “Just because he’s a MacDonald ...”

  “He might have killed you, Glory. You have no idea what the syringe might have held.”

  “Are you listening to yourself, Jerry? If Ian wanted me dead, I’d be dead. Valdez knocked it out of his hand but, FYI, I wasn’t going to let him give me a shot anyway.” I sat down and stared at my bodyguard. “Appreciated the gesture, though.”

  “I should have killed him when I had the chance. All these reactions you’ve been having to his shit, it’s only going one way, Glory. Maybe MacDonald wants your death to look like an accident. You’re heading for suicide by sunlight, lady. You know it and I know it.” Valdez looked up at me.

  “What the hell do you mean?” Jerry sat beside me.

  “Yes, I’d like to know the answer to that.” Ray stood inside the hall door. “Brittany told me you’ve been waking up during the day. How is that happening, Glory?”

  I looked from Jerry to Ray and back again. Obviously I was going to have to tell them both about my sleepwalking or whatever you wanted to call it. One of them was going to start his “Kill Ian” campaign and the other would rush out there and pay Ian a fortune for a chance at his own suicide by sunlight.

  Oh, God, if ever there was a lose-lose situation, this was it.

  Thirteen

  “It has to do with the bedtime supplement I take, I guess.” I looked everywhere but at the men in my life. I was tired and my feet still ached. Jerry and Ray had opened bottles of synthetic blood. I’d turned it down. Trina was coming. The fact that she’d been my only source for the last few days made me feel rotten. I normally didn’t drink from mortals, even willing ones. And I still had the problem of saving her from Ian. Treating mortals as disposable commodities didn’t necessarily make Ian any worse than most vampires, though. Unfortunately.

  “Glory, are you going to talk or do you want me to just go on out there and see what MacDonald’s selling?” Ray was practically jumping out of his skin. Of course he was desperate to see the sun again. He’d only been a vampire for a few months. Jerry and I had had centuries to get used to life after dark.

  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Caine.” Jerry sounded like he was talking to an unruly schoolboy.

  “I don’t follow your orders, Blade.” Ray pulled me up to stand beside him. “And neither does Glory.” He squeezed my hand. “Look at her. Ian’s formula works. She’s lost the weight she wanted in record time. I’d say he delivers on his promises.”

  Jerry gave
Ray a condescending look. “There’s a hell of a lot of difference between losing weight and walking into daylight. Valdez, tell us what Glory did yesterday afternoon.”

  Valdez risked his job by looking at me before he answered.

  “Go ahead, V, tell him. Tell him all the stuff I did when I was supposed to be dead to the world.” I held Ray’s hand because Jerry looked as approachable as a thorny hedge.

  “You know she was having those nightmares. They led to sleepwalking. The first night I caught her as she was heading into the living room, eyes closed, obviously out of it. I shifted and carried her back to bed. She didn’t wake up until her head hit the pillow.”

  “You shifted.” Jerry frowned.

  “How else was he going to carry me, Jerry?” This pissed me off. “It’s about time you got over this dog fetish you’ve had for centuries. If you don’t trust me around hot guys, then tough.” I smiled at Valdez. “Yes, my friend, you’re hot. Don’t pretend you don’t know that, the way Brittany hangs around you.”

  “Can we get back to this sleepwalking?” Jerry looked like he wanted to smash the bottle he’d just drained over someone’s head—there were several likely candidates, me included. Instead he set it on the bar, demonstrating admirable self-control.

  “Yeah. I want to hear about yesterday. When Brittany saw you wide-awake after sunrise.” Ray dropped my hand.

  “I can tell this part. I was awake, you know.” I cleared my throat, wishing I could drink something. No, couldn’t do it, calories. So I faced the men, Jerry looking disapproving and Ray, eager, like I was about to launch into the tale of the century.

  “I watched you lie down, Ray, then I headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I took my time until I noticed some light coming in around the curtains in the bathroom. I checked and saw you conked out per usual.” I glanced at Valdez. “Rafe’s right. When we’re asleep during the day, we’re as good as dead. First time I’ve seen that. Guess I never stuck around to watch you sleep before you made me vampire, Jerry.” I shook my head. Stupid of me, to make the decision to become vamp without full disclosure. Hindsight. Not worth anything, was it?

 

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